1/16/2006

U-Haul

The guys at U-Haul have a jacked-up business model and an attitude problem. Shouldn't it be "They-Haul?" or "We-Haul?" They've got one huge pair of grapes treating their customers like that. "Hey. Here's a truck. You haul it, 'cause we're not fuckin' doing it for you. And make sure you top off the gas tank when you're done."

Why do I have to haul it? If I'm moving, I want somebody helping me. And when I say "helping," I mean doing all the heavy lifting for me. I want to lie in a lounge chair sipping lemonade while four "undocumented" laborers work themselves to an early grave moving my high-priced plasma TV and other cool shit. I want to pay them minimum wage and tip them with Budweiser. I'll drive the truck. That's the fun part!

And I wouldn't be a nice guy like I am when I'm blogging. I'd get high-handed with those laborers. Between sips of lemonade, I'd shout at them through a bullhorn:
"Get your no-green card having ass back to work. You're laborers. You should be laboring. This is what you get for getting fired from Wal-Mart. Hey, careful with that, ese. That's mahogany!"
What gives with U-Haul's attitude? I hope other companies don't pick up on this. Can you imagine going out to eat at a U-Cook-It? "Alright, Slick. The eggs are in the cooler, and over there is the toaster. Now go cook yourself some breakfast. And don't use too much Spam. You know you hate that shit."

Or an auto mechanic. U-Fix-It. "Tool shed's out back. There's the jack. Good luck fixing your brakes. Remember, power tools and whiskey don't mix."

You know what I say to U-Haul? Fuck-U.

29 comments:

As always... Rachael said...

I wanna know why U-Haul can't afford new transmissions once in a while. Teh last two times I rented a truck, first gear wouldn't do a fucking thing. It's not too easy getting one of those beastly trucks moving in 2nd gear. Luckily, I'm awesome, but I can see where it would be difficult for others.

Spinning Girl said...

I think the best airline would be Wings-U-Flap Airlines. Decked out inside like a viking ship, every passenger has to use their handle to flap the wings of the plane and keep it aloft. It would be labor, but it beats paying out the nose for airline tickets!

JJ said...

OMG there is this restaurant up in Estes Park where U do have to cook your own steak! My friend told me this & about how ticked off she was...she paid her bill by check and made it out to Cook Your Own F-ing Steakhouse! LMAO

jules said...

Ya know what business name bugs me? Condoms to go. Is there another choice? Is there a room in the back you can use it there?

kari said...

Or U-Suck-It...for men. teehee.

Video X said...

uhaul sucks ass. i used them when i was in college...oh my gosh what the hell kind of service is that! what a joke. haha! sipping lemonade....that would be nice!

Bennet said...

hehehehe....Although wasn't that bad with the laborers...Couldn't you say something like:" WORK HARD- that's what the purpose of your existence is for."?...Well actually that wasn't that mean either...hmmm..You'd think living in Louisiana I'd be a better slave driver. I don't know.

Frap Gurl said...

I agree..Fuck U-Haul! What do I need with an empty truck! They are lazy fuckers..had to recruit some drug addicts
with access to a truck..and that was alot cheaper.. Bundles of heroin are alot cheaper than topping off a gas tank!

Anonymous said...

Hey LBB, this is Seven up in Phoenix. I just noticed that your location says California. Have you moved? I tried to send you an e-mail but it was kicked back to me.

If you get this, send me an e-mail to my first and last name as one word at cox.net.

Toom witha Vu said...

That is one damngood U-Rant. I liked Spinning Girls comment too.

tornwordo said...

Nice diatribe. Last week I checked out the new discount supermarket. After the cashier totaled my purchase and collected my money, she went on to the next customer without helping me bag the items. Yes, it was U-bag it service. I was appalled. (wink)

DayByDay4-2Day said...

I see that home depot has a u-rent it truck now.

Anonymous Shannon said...

Actually, they do have a restaurant similar to, "U cook It." It's a fondue restaurant.

Anti-Blogger said...

What about a prostitute who has the business U-Screw?

Teaspoon said...

I blame the gas stations, they were the first, it used to be that you pulled into a gas staion and an atendant cam out and pumped you gas, washed your window and checked your dipstick (this last one was slightly awkward if the atendant as a guy, but when on TENT POLE MOUNTAIN and all). you tipped them a quarter and you were on your way.

Now it's "drive up get your lazy ass out of your own car because I ain't moving my lazy ass from this chair, my stories are on."

It's been down hill ever since.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I bet, though, that if the television set said "Go amuse yourself, LBB," you could manage it.

Shannon said...

LMFAO.. You have a way with words.. that was hilarious!

Sargini said...

Here is a U do it all situation. I waited for a waitress at Dennys so god damn long. I got up went to the waitress station and prepared my coffee, drank it, Left a dollar on the table and left. I never saw a waitress in my section the whole time???

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I've had various bad experiences with U-Haul. Namely, they're tools. One time they bitched at me because I didn't top off the tank (I had driven it one time, 8 blocks, and you couldn't tell by the needle). They INSISTED that I go to the gas station and put in 75 cents in gas. By the time I got back, they had closed.

That put them on The List.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Screw that...if I move, I'm leaving all my shit behind and buying new stuff.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

We may lose it faster. But half of a Twinkie gains it back.

Blog ho said...

orale, cabron!

Heather said...

When we thought we were moving, we were going to use U-Haul. I guess I am glad we didn't now?

StringMan said...

As far as the do-it-yourself companies go, I give my loyalties to U-Whack-It ... although I still think they should at least give you towel or tissue or something.

Toni said...

The last time my dad hired "undocumented" workers to help move our shit, some of our stuff broke and his toolbox mysteriously disappeared. That'll teach my dad a lesson not to be a cheap bastard and hire some REAL movers.

Latigo Flint said...

Somewhere, Raoul Clementine Higuera is scowling and hoping you get a rash.

Elaine said...

What's even worse is they charge different prices to different states... for example, we drove to Ca. to Mo. in a uhaul truck...$600 freakin' dollars... then we came our senses and moved back to Cali. From Mo. to Ca., same truck, same trip.. it was only 100 bucks?? WTF is that about? Can someone explain this?!
U-HAUL blows.

PlatinumGirl said...

Heh - I see part of a quote from "Real Genius" in there. HilariASS.

Michalle said...

Now that was some funny shit. And oh so true as well. Good stuff.