1/27/2006

Weekend rubbish

  • I don't understand the SnackMaster grill. Gosh. This peanut butter and baloney sandwich tastes lousy. If only I had a skillet that would quarter it, compress it to the width of a potato chip and sear the Wonder Bread. Then I'd be eatin'.
  • I don't understand the juicer, either. Target has 17 different models of juicers. Two aisles over, you can buy any kind of juice you want already extracted into convenient, half-gallon jugs. Have you seen how much vegetable matter you have to feed into a juicer? Eight ounces of carrot juice requires about 29 carrots! If you wanted to serve fresh juice to a family of 8 at breakfast, you'd have to outsource your juicer and 28 crates of vegetables to Indonesian sweat shop. And you know those ingrate Indonesian children would drink some of it without asking!
  • Here's a one-line review of my vacation to Boston: "Look at all the small, red bricks; ignore the drunken Irish pricks."
  • I can't decide whether self-confidence is faith in one's own abilities or not giving a shit what others think or how things turn out.
  • Many restaurants give police free food. So why choose a donut shop? If I were a policeman I'd hit a Denny's. After a night of night-sticking the civil rights out of some hippie's mind, I'm going to be hungry for a Grand Slam Breakfast.
  • Why do people against Intelligent Design talk about Darwin like he's the Messiah?
  • Highway "rest areas" are misnamed. You won't get any rest there. Too many freaks and weirdos passing by. Have you seen these people up close? They make carnies look like an assembly of Nobel Prize laureates. Once I had to ask a rest area patron to stop his German Shepard from humping my read fender. "Jus let'em finish. Let'em finish, buddy. His head won't be right less'n he does his bus'ness. He won't be long. Hoooooooooweeeeeee. He loves hisself a good Ford Taurus."
  • Rest area urinals don't use water. That unnerves me. I think all toilets should use water. Otherwise, why don't we all take a leak on the ground? And I think they should have a restroom attendant. They can afford to pay a guy with all the money they're saving on water. Instead of cologne and hot towels, he can pass out Skol and spitoons.
  • Nowadays you have to ask the pharmacist for certain over-the-counter cold medicines because kids figured a way to derive crank from cold pills (and educators tell us our kids are falling behind foreigners in science!). I don't know why those kids go to all the trouble. Some OTC's do just fine by themselves! Have you ever taken NyQuil? If not, try some without delay. Make sure you have about 14 hours to recover. Take two shots of NyQuil with a glass of box wine. You'll be high as a kite. It's better than french-kissing Courtney Love. NyQuil makes meth look like candy cigarettes. I double-popped some NyQuil the last time I had a head cold and had a 5-hour conversation with God and Timothy Leary.
  • I'll bet the person who invented the phrase "making love" was a guy. He probably wasn't getting very far with "wanna fuck?"
  • Blacks may forgive whites for slavery, but they'll never stop hating us for introducing Eminem and Vanilla Ice. These two "rappers" ramped up racial tensions back to pre-Reconstructionist levels. I watched a Vanilla Ice video on "Remember the 90's" and afterward I wanted to join the Black Panthers. I was calling friends and family members "crackahs" for two days.
  • Why do birds defecate in mid-flight? After all, humans don't take a crap while they're walking. Most members of the animal kingdom have enough sense to remain motionless while taking a squeege. Birds need to get on-board.
  • Do you think when Mary and Joseph saw the frankincense and myrrh, they asked the Wise Men if they had the receipt? "The Gold is lovely, just lovely. But we just stocked up on frankincense and myrrh. We'd hate to see it go to waste. This way, we could exchange them for some swaddling clothes for Him."
  • Our modern, pampered lifestyles deny us the biological need to be scared shitless. In prehistoric times, this happened every day. But nowadays one can live his entire life seeing nothing more frightening than Nick Nolte's mug-shot. To soothe the urge, we must recreate horrifying moments. This is why people tie themselves to a gigantic rubber-band and jump off a bridge, climb Mt. Everest or skydive. I wonder why we go to such elaborate means to elicit fright. You don't have to bungee jump in South Africa or jet to the Himalayan Mountains. If you want to frighten yourself just to feel alive, have unprotected sex. There's a nail-biter. Run around the house with scissors. Drive drunk through a mountain pass. Go ahead and stand on the top rung of the ladder that the sticker clearly warns you not to use.
  • The only time I want to beat somebody with a stick is when they use the phrase "you can't beat that with a stick!" Don't be so sure.
  • Did you know that you can't buy alcohol on Election Day? This makes no sense to me. Not only should you be able to buy it on Election Day, I think alcohol should be complimentary! You need a drink or two. That's the day you have to hold your nose and enter the ballot box. In 2004, we had to choose between W and John Kerry. I think Sophie had an easier choice to make. I wanted to vote for that guy, Chad, I heard so much about in 2000. But he wasn't on the ballot – just W and JFK. Man, I could have used a drink. Voting for Bush or Kerry is like taking that uncomely girl home from the bar at 2 AM. You need a few drinks first.
  • You know the ultimate, single best thing you can do to improve your sex life? Get a partner.
  • Every night there's some annoying, high-energy douche bag with gel in his hair trying to sell me a system in which I purchase real estate with no money down. It's always "no money down." I want to call the guy and ask him why, if it's such a foolproof idea, he's wasting his time hocking 50-dollar cassette tapes instead of buying real estate. Then I want to pitch MY wealth-enhancing system to him. First, I purchase his tapes "no money down" by using a fraudulent credit card. Then I duplicate his audio cassettes on my computer 15,000 times and get rich selling them to suckers for a 10-dollar discount. How's that for a get-rich-quick scheme, you gel-haired, ADD-having douche bag?

45 comments:

Heather said...

You're on top of your game, LBB. Very funny post!

Elaine said...

A whole bottle of Robitussen can also put in a world of butterflies and rainbows *you'll also be slapping different body parts just to see if they're still there.. not speaking from experience or anything......

Didn't the Wise Men receive Mary and Joseph's registry? You gotta wonder about those three guys. Frankincense and myrrh.. they were probably re-gifting.

Pirate said...

self-confidence has little to do with faith. Its not given arat's ass what other's think.

You lost me on Darwin. That may be the best question asked in the whole debate.

You are an ace my friend.

Calzone said...

Thanks dog, I saw how you name check Jesus and shit so I thought I'd tell a friend about you.

Bill the Apostle said...

Jesus loves you

Chad said...

Jesus may love you, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.

By the way, you can vote for me next time.

As Bartles, of Bartles and James, once said, "Thank you for your support."

Spirit Of Owl said...

Darwin is not the Messiah? I can never remember.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Why do people who are FOR Intelligent Design don't talk about Jesus as if he were the Messiah? And they don't talk about no God either. Just talk about "someone" or "some thing." I love that: An Intelligent Something came by and... Well, you know the rest of the story.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

wow all the things I learn through the internet. Thanks for educating me.

Smartypants said...

I've had a shit week. I really needed the laughs.

Thanks. = )

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

As always, Butt, you give us lots and lots to think about.

You forget to mention the anonymous gay sex at rest areas. Or maybe that's just for people in the Midwest, since we're all so repressed and shit.

Peter said...

Get a partner !! that says it all bugs.

tornwordo said...

Wow, you could have easily split those "genius-ettes" into two. So many good things there. I had 1 cap of Nyquil the other night (my first time) and was buzzed until noon the next day. That shit is gnarly.

And what are you doing hanging out at rest areas?

Amandarama said...

Did you know that you can't buy alcohol on Election Day?

Who the hell decided that? I want to know so I can vote them out of office on the next Election Day.

Plus, Boston has more than just Irish pricks. You must have been in the South End.

phlegmfatale said...

nice list, crackah!

nongirlfriend said...

Jealous of your trip to Boston. When I was there, I was one of those drunken Irish pricks.

NWJR said...

The best argument against Intelligent Design is Congress. Any entity that would design a system that allows for that bunch of crooks can't be very intelligent.

poopie said...

You've been into the NyQuil haven't you?

As always... Rachael said...

Funny as always! Off to buy some Nyquil and find myself a partner...

Ari said...

"Why do people against Intelligent Design talk about Darwin like he's the Messiah?"

Another one for the LBB bumper sticker store!

StringMan said...

Hey, I'm from Boston! I resemble that remark in the third bullet.

I figure the day Darwin died he quickly realized how silly that whole evolution thing was ...

Toni said...

I lost it when I got to the "squeege" part. But don't horses shit while walking? That's why the ones at carnivals have bags strapped to their butt.

Melonie said...

God and Timothy Leary, FUNNY, very funny!

Hey, you may be interested in this page(not all of this page)www.towleroad.typepad.com/towleroad/2005/10/the_towleroad_g_1.html

CaCaBoy said...

I too enjoy a little "sticking" it to the man! The man's head, the man's shoulder, the man's..........

jules said...

"I'll bet the person who invented the phrase "making love" was a guy. He probably wasn't getting very far with "wanna fuck?"
You always make me laugh bugsbutt! Thanks.

Jamie Dawn said...

These tidbits were a great way to end a very busy weekend. Thanks for a good chuckle.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Mmmmm...Grand Slams.

Damn..now I'm all hungry...;)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Here is what I don't understand about the cold pills thing...

Cold medicine is expensive - REAL DRUGS ARE CHEAPER.

These kids today, sheesh.

Teaspoon said...

I tip my hat to you sir.

As always, your wit is on par.

Dave Morris said...

Humans don't take a crap while they're walking?

I mean. Uh. That's SO true about the birds!

Billy said...

You so crack me up.

Oh great One said...

Why do people against Intelligent Design talk about Darwin like he's the Messiah?

You have such a way with putting things into perspective LBB!

As for the juicer, I agree with you that they are a waste of time and veggies, but those late night infomercials have nearly convinced me I need a juicer, a dehydrator and a Ronco chicken roaster!

Video X said...

haha! well i have never understood those crazy grill things...that's just grody.

sadly enough i have a juicer...but not a fancy one or anything...it's just a little hand one...once a year i cook a huge crazy meal...and i have to use fresh sqeezed lemon juice...i dont know that it makes a difference as i dont eat the crazy stuff i make...but i'm scared to deviate from the recipe.

i have never even been able to say the phrase "making love". it's just weird. i'd rather just say lets do it. or do sex or screw or if i'm all into it then fuck me works just fine. anything else...but making love makes me feel funny.

HAHAHA to calling family members "crackahs."

damn those birds. i got shit on by one once.

so many thoughts so little time!

Riss said...

Crackah ass crackah.

A few things.

1. Speaking for all Indonesian facrory workers (I'm actually not Indonesian but I get to speak for them because everyone thinks we're all Chinese anyway)spit is the last thing we put in your bottled drinks. The first is urine.

2. I don't understand why kids need illegal drugs when Thera-Flu is both over the counter and fucks you up. I Thera-Flu dial people at 3am.

3. You know it's YOUR people who usually do that crazy shit right? You don't see non-white people trying to jump out of working airplanes and "hang gliding."

4. You should have been like "And my fender loves himself a good german SHepard" before slamming it into reverse and flooring it.

5. I fucking hate Boston.

6. You rock as always.

Edgy Mama said...

Drunken Irish pricks falling down on tiny reddish bricks...omg, I LIVED there for two fricking years.

Last time I od'ed on Robo, I watched Star Wars, got dizzy, and barfed all over my boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend any more. Of course, that was 20 years ago.

Damn, LBB, I may need to quote you again. As Chad said, you are an asshole, but a brilliant one.

O, and I forgot to tell you. I don't particularly mind porn. But the hood chicks are anti-porn flicks. But you know why your wife had them, don'tcha?

actonbell said...

Yes, I knew about Election Day Prohibition, and don't know what to make of it, except in THIS state, maybe it's an effort to make the state store employees get out and vote. (In PA, liquor stores are controlled by the gov't)

the Monk said...

I'm totally with you on the pampered lifestyle thing...but we got ragged (that'll be hazed, I guess, to you) in first year, so the being scared shitless part was taken care of...

Chewy said...

AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh, HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR!

normiekins said...

these are interesting conundrums.....NYQUIL ought to be banned.....that stuff makes you loopy....on second thought.

SugarHigh said...

I love you man, but that may be the NyQuil talkin'. that shtuff flucks mes up everystime. yous be the cheeseest crakah ass cracker, i evers did reads.

PlatinumGirl said...

That was inspired.

"I was calling friends and family members "crackahs" for two days."

One of my favorite things Chris Rock says: "Cracka-ass-cracka!"

Nettie said...

Peanut butter and bologna? Yukkk.

Laurie said...

All I can say is....

OHMYSHIT.

I don't laugh much. But EVERY FUCKING BULLET POINT had me crying.

I am so gonna fucking link you

KB said...

Ummm, LBB?

I work in a hospital, and trust me, some people DO crap while they're walking.

I'm just saying. ;-)

Ms. M said...

So many men still use "wanna fuck?" Oh yah, I'm turned on.