2/13/2006

Drive-by blogging

  • I just figured why we consider rabbits' feet lucky: they have sex like gangbusters. Why do we use the term "getting lucky" to denote "having sex?" It's a bit premature. Isn't it? You don't "get lucky" until a few weeks later when she starts her period -- and when no rashes appear on either party! I've never been so religious as that period before her period. Amen!
  • Given the Holocaust, I'm surprised to see so many Jews in comedy. You'd think more of them would be locksmiths or excavators.
  • Everybody's having a collective conniption fit over ExxonMobile's record profits. Those greedy bastards cleared about 9 cents-per-gallon profit. Say, where's the outrage over Starbucks coffee? They're opening 18000 more stores around the world. They mark up their product (an addictive substance) about 10000 percent. And since tomorrow is Valentine's Day, how about a little outrage over Hallmark who charges $3.25 for a 3-cent piece of cardboard. I know a few tapped-out gentlemen who'd love to kick the crap out of Hallmark executives. I'd rather sterilize myself via blunt force trauma then give those bastards a dime!
  • I think any woman who complains about having a door opened for her should have a chair yanked from underneath her sometime during the date.
  • I heard a commercial on the radio for a licensed sex therapist. Licensed? What are the boards like for sex therapy licensing? All right, candidates. All answers are multiple orgasm. For the clinical component of this exam, you must gobble the entire shaft without disturbing the balls. Teeth are an automatic disqualification. You have 90 minutes. Good luck.
  • When will Cosmopolitan Magazine publish the newly discovered link between blow jobs and burning calories? You read me right, ladies. It's a scientific fact that hummers burn more calories than the elliptical trainer. Next month's issue: Hand-jobs, the New Decathlon.
  • You'd think trees would reproduce in the winter – when they're all naked! All except those prudish evergreens.
  • Tentpole Mountain dis-o-the-day: Do you think when they release the Director's Cut of Brokeback Mountain, the actors will be circumcised?
  • I never understood the appeal of obituaries. Who cares about some 85-year-old war veteran who had a heart attack shoveling shit in Missouri? Roger was a wonderful husband and grandfather who never missed a Sunday at Church. Who gives a shit? Instead, why don't the papers publish deceased relationships? Mike and Cheryl separated this week after 14 years of textbook co-dependence. After a brief prison stint in the late 90s, Mike, a 12-pack per day wife beater, came home to find Cheryl doubling-up on her brother-in-law and an unemployed diesel mechanic she met at the local liquor store. Although gunplay ensued, nobody was seriously injured except for Mike, who blew off his right testicle in the exchange.
  • How ironic that listening to Air Supply can be so suffocating. They're an "air supply" alright – that is if somebody farted a bunch of B-rated elevator music into a tank.
  • I don't mean to be insensitive or anything, but have you ever noticed how retarded kids are fascinated with boogers? It's true. A few boogers to a retarded kid are like a model of the solar system to a normal kid. Both are equally intrigued.
  • After a recent argument, my wife asked me if I took my "prick pills" this morning. I told her that I'm on the patch nowadays.
  • Do you think Indians named their dogs "Sniffs-at-Crotch" or "Craps-on-the-Field?"

36 comments:

Charlie Foxxtrot said...

"Do you think Indians named their dogs "Sniffs-at-Crotch" or "Craps-on-the-Field?""

Why do you ask "two dogs fucking?"

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

Anti-Blogger said...

I saw Air Supply in concert (it was a gift for a girlfriend....really....what?). All was well until that one singer guy said, "Are you ready to ROCK!?" Then they launched into I'm All Outta Love. I had to hum a Motorhead song to get me through the moment.

Melonie said...

So close to being first, Damn!

Too funny, I am sure that Mike and Cheryl may be my neighbors I always wondered why a diesel mechanic made house calls.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

No, but they named their kids "Two Dogs Fucking."

SFChick74 said...

What woman complains about having a door opened for her? I'm always pleasantly surprised when a guy holds a door open for me, date or no.

jules said...

BB=You're the Robin Williams of blogging. You sling 'em out so fast I can't keep up, and laugh my ass off the whole time!

tornwordo said...

I love the "yanking out the chair" from the ungrateful bitch. Made me guffaw.

I think they would have named my dog, " Turd gobbler" or perhaps "Humps the leg".

Rob Seifert said...

Hey where'd you get the patch, that'd be so much easier...

RCS

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh, these were EXCELLENT! Loved the "yankin the chair out from underneath her" bit. That was friggin' brilliant.

And I do belive My Pit Bull is the reincarnation of "Sniffs-At-Crotch"...:)

And...um...can I swipe that "prick pills" thing from your wife? I could REALLY use that...:)

Belle said...

prick pills....lmfao....i was in a relationship with a guy who religiously took prick pills and washed them down with jack and coke....

Lyvvie said...

I'm definitely using the prick pills comment the next time the Hubs gets snarky with me.

And the chair thing - too damn right!! I love having doors opened for me, I'm such a lazy bitch.

But then I became a bit curious about the Cosmopolition pitch - I mean it's superb! AND, I'm sure I've read somewhere that spunk is pure protein.

Happy VD

Webmiztris said...

your blog kills me!

I love the deceased relationships idea....now THAT'S entertainment!!

Bennet said...

Damn , this is funny stuff. Do you write this all in one burst in a day,...or several days?

Funny as hell either way.

The fuel companies are really screwing us even though the price of oil dropped, and gasoline prices remains steady, and climbing...

I can't wait can't wait until we screw them with the hydrogen.

Bob2837465 said...

Although giving an enthusiastic blow job definitely burns calories, that can be compromised by the age old "spit or swallow" debate. All the research I've ever seen says that although 'throat yogurt' (that term compliments of Dave's Window) is high in protein, it is also high in calories. Just something to keep in mind!

mwp said...

I try not to post generic comments like "LBB, a brilliant post as always!", but this one really took the cake. Great stuff from beginning to end...

Blog ho said...

air supply. funny.

Oh great One said...

"gobble the entire shaft " I have never heard it put like that. Mind if I steal that line?

Elaine said...

OH good god.. I barely made it through this post because I was laughing so hard..
...Jews as locksmiths, "Hand Jobs-The New Decathalon"..retarded kids and boogers...and lets not forget the most brilliant idea/observation of all.. Deceased Relationships!

HU-LARIOUS.

Riss said...

Hey I took that test... except there were cameras everywhere.

Hysterical as always.

Migraine Boy said...

When an old dude dies, you should rush over to his house, because his wife will be selling all kinds of useful shit like golf clubs and tools. If he has any vintage porn, she'll get pissed off and throw that out, and you can get it for free. Man, free porn is flippin' sweet!

Miss Sassy said...

Do you come up with these all in one sitting, or do you just type away about Mike and his new life monotesticularly and as you click for the next bullet you think "Air Supply is an ironic title for this group, I'm gonna talk about it"????

However you do it, I thank you for the first hearty anything of the day - laughing counts at 3:30pm =)

Peter said...

Tentpole Mountain director's cut, did it for me Bugs.

Sylvana said...

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Amandarama said...

Brokeback's Director's cut will be all about being "bigger" and "lasting longer". Oh, and something about a Prince Albert piercing.

Junebugg said...

I thought that you guys looked at the obits hunting for a rich widow who needed help spending the insurence money??

As always... Rachael said...

So much to comment on... I'm overheating. I laughed the whole way through! What women complain about the door being opened for them. I apreciate that service, since I usually have a drink in each hand!

nongirlfriend said...

By far one of the very best!

"I think any woman who complains about having a door opened for her should have a chair yanked from underneath her sometime during the date."

I had to laugh. And your wife, I wish she'd start blogging too.

KB said...

O. M. G.

I'm never disappointed when I visit your blog LBB!

Director's cut--circumcized---ahahahahah.

You should write professionally. ;-)

LaunderLust said...

Didn't know if you had received this yet, but thought you might enjoy:

Brokeback Mountain
Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963






WEEK ONE

Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK TWO

Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK THREE

Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y

WEEK FOUR

Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y

WEEK FIVE

Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX

Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk orga ndy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco

Nölff said...

^^^
Thay was gay.
Get it?
Gay

ha! ha! ha!

Good joke

Spanish speakers laugh like this:
JA! JA! JA!

RocksAndChairs said...

SERIOUSLY made me laugh so hard

SugarHigh said...

you took your hilarious pills this morning! whoohoo! Love it.
i'm not a licensed sex therapist, but do have a PhD in the subject. that's good, no?
As a certified personal trainer I can tell you that BJs, if done properly can be both an upper body AND lower body work out. The have stripping aerobics, maybe this should be the next aerobic class!

Spinning Girl said...

Women should love having doors opened; I hate that aspect of feminism. You poor men don't know what's OK or not, anymore.

I prefer a red carpet, but an opened door will do.

p.s. I named my dog Wind in His Face.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I've often wondered why "there are so many starving children in China" but every Chinese restaurant is all you can eat. Why dont we get them some restaurants?

Mom of Three said...

We had a Blackfoot next door neighbor who couldn't drive for shit so we named him Dances with Curbs.

ann illusion said...

i like the gobbling the entire shaft too
+++calling my sex boy to have phone sex++++
i want to gobbke the entire shaft
the entire big pulsating shaft
yum
and u taste good too
*****liar*******