2/17/2006

Grandparents and bumper stickers

You've probably seen the bumper sticker that reads "If I knew grandchildren were so much fun, I would have had them first." When I see that bumper sticker, I drive along side grampa (an easy task as he's driving 15 mph under the posted limit) and shout "On behalf of your children, UP YOUR UNGRATEFUL POOPSHOOT, Grampa."

This attitude makes me thankful for negligent, abusive retirement homes that leave grandma lying in a pool of her own filth for three days with MTV blaring from the television. If my parents ever paste that repulsive bumper sticker on their Cadillac, I'm going to tip the night nurse at their retirement home a little extra just to smother them with pillows. I mean, really! What kind of attitude is that? How can old people like those little booger factories more than their own children?

I'm sure grandkids seem nicer than one's own children, but there's a reason for that. The grandkids didn't put up with 20 years of your bullshit and Naziism. They never had to eat your cauliflower. They never had to turn the music down because they'd "go deaf;" or back up from the television because they'd "go blind." You never stormed in on your grandchildren when they were "becoming familiar with themselves." Thanks a lot, Mom! And by the way, it's just adorable how you called me "Spanky" for 10 years afterward. Let me assure you it didn't affect my psyche in the least. Great burn. Anyway, all grandparents do is spoil grandchildren and when they metamorphose into little hellions, they pass them onto their parents. Of course grandkids compare favorably to your own children.

I don't mean to come off angry. The truth is, I think it's sweet how old people love their grandchildren so much. My grandparents still save the Happy Meal toys they get from McDonald's and send them to me. I'm 34. They don't realize I've outgrown fuzzy dinosaurs and bubble pipes. You'd think they'd take some Social Security money and put it toward a Play Station Portable. But, no! A Rubik's Cube key chain for my birthday? Thanks! What are you getting your own children next Christmas? A stool sample?

Anyway, I hate that bumper sticker.

34 comments:

Frap Gurl said...

For my 21st birthday my Grandparents got me a Teddi Roxpin..er Rox binladen??? Whatever, that scary assed bear that talked..wth ..I got drunk, smoked weed and watched it sing and tell me stories.. I guess it wasn't such a bad gift after all!

NWJR said...

I always liked the one that says, "I'm spending my kids' inheritance". Yeah, that cracks me up. They definitely forget just who gets to make the decision as to which nursing home they wind up in.

Spirit Of Owl said...

My kids are spending my retirement funds. Bastards. And bitches. Lot of 'em.

Miss Sassy said...

I'm abstaining from childbearing just so my dad will spoil me instead of my kids... he remarried for money, why can't I reap some benifits of her dad wanting new stuff for all the kids??

Snooze said...

But tell us how you really feel ;)

newscoma said...

My dad remarried the stepmonster, miss sassy. I wish he had just gone after the sex.
This blog made me laugh.

Mom of Three said...

All I have to say is that my kids have never gone to grandma's for the sleepover she keeps begging for and it's not because of the kids. It's because the minute they fatigue Grandma, she'll complain to OTHER daughter about what little monsters they are, just like she did to ME about the other daughter's kids!

My mom's parents were dreadful when we were growing up. They're not dreadful now because they're dead. We called Grandma Jabba the Hut because she looked just like him. My mom used to force us to kiss Grandma, a feat we only attempted once with my eldest daughter because as she got close to Grandma she screamed, "SHE'S GONNA EAT ME!"

nongirlfriend said...

I'm still laughing at what Mom Of Three's daughter said.

Webmiztris said...

You definitely nailed it! But look at it this way - You'll feel a lot less guilty giving an old hag the finger if she has one of those on her bumper....lol

Anna said...

Me too neither!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

What put the notion in somebody's head that ankle biters are "precious?" Little assholes.

jules said...

Ya know, Bug, every time I'm feeling a little down, I just take a trip over to see you. I'm grandchildless...and grateful. I'm afraid my kids are going to be the ones who want grandma to always babysit. Screw that!

Peter said...

Just make sure you live in a different state to your grandkids and you'll get along great Bugs.

CaCaBoy said...

Wow! I guess you won't need to pay your therapist for this weeks session...........

Oh yeah, I think old people ARE ungrateful. And NO grandpa taking your teeth out to make them talk is just freakin' scary to a 5 year old!

Nettie said...

I bet you could sell some of those mint-condition McDonald's toys on eBay to put towards your PSP.

Amandarama said...

My mother has made it abundantly clear that she refuses to babysit any grandchildren that I spit out. Since I have made it abundantly clear to her that Mr. Scoop and I intend to remain single, childless and living in sin, it hasn't been a problem yet.

As always... Rachael said...

my grandma loes me so much she's willing to share her percosettes...

My mother is a horrible spoiler of my kids... she thinks I'm too hard on them. Hello? Mcfly? Have you really forgotten beating me senseless? My parents raised a car-stealing, pot-smoking, beer bonging, sex machine... and I was 14... so pardon me if I ignore their parenting advice! I think I'd rather just wing it!

Mom of Three said...

Oh! No kidding Rachael! If my mother (who used to do things like throw me against the wall at 4 and knock the wind out of me) even hears me raise my voice to my kids (which is about as bad as it gets, since the pendulum has swung entirely the other way--I figure my kids will raise theirs in some nice middle ground) she moans, "Ohhh! Poor Maddie! You shouldn't raise your voice to her!" At which point I stop, because I'm looking into the phone FREAKIN' SPEECHLESS!

Spinning Girl said...

What's most moving is how well you have healed from the bumps & bruises of your childhood.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I agree with you, whole heartedly, Mr. Bugsbutt... and to that end, I shall add...

Nasty, bitter old people don't "just happen" because they are old; they cultivated their brand of evil on a misspent youth.

PlatinumGirl said...

I can only imagine the kind of advice my mother will try to give me if I ever do finally have a kid. I think her memory of my childhood is much different from my own -- in short, she's apparently conveniently forgotten that I turned out the way that I did in spite of the way things were at home!

tornwordo said...

I haven't seen that sticker, but it will rankle me too if I see it thanks to your illuminating take on it.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hah!!! I purposely didn't have any kids just to spite my parents so they'd never be able to place one of those nefarious bumper stickers on their vehicles.

That'll show 'em!!! ;)

Oh great One said...

I really wish you would stop holding back from us. Tell us how you REALLY feel. *wink*

kari said...

Whew...do you feel better now sweetums?

Bob2837465 said...

personally, i love the grandparents who wear the embroidered sweatshirts proclaiming their status as "Grandma" or "Grandpa" - those are even better than the bumper stickers!

Pirate said...

I think you have stumbled on the same view I have recently cleared of old people (FOPs). Most are not nice gretful lots but rather a bunch of selfish self serving crotches demanding a larger seat at the table then they deserve. By the way Snooze looks like she may be a hottie, you think she'll sign my dance card.

Bennet said...

Have you ever seen that comercial about trying to get the grandfather medication for his alzheimers then at some point while the old guy is standing next to his grandson he says:" Sometimes I don't even remember my own grandson's name."

Then I usually imagine him yelling at his grandson:" KID!! Stop messing with me, WHERE'S MY GRANDSON?"

Elaine said...

Can I have that Rubik's Cube Keychain? And throw in that fuzzy dinosaur into the mix while yer at it! ;D

Forty_Two said...

I'm especially appreciative of my mother's second personality, the one that used to shove her hand through windows, throw things at the walls, and follow everyone around while verbally abusing them. Thanks mom. Having a fucking psychopath as a primary female role model didn't have any effect on me at all in the summer of 1980.

Of course, I do appreciate the fact that I understand the psychology of terrorists and serial killers after coming so close to becoming one myself. Couldn't learn useful stuff like that at Harvard now could I?

How long before someone figures out what I'm talking about?

Toni said...

"Thanks a lot, Mom! And by the way, it's just adorable how you called me "Spanky" for 10 years afterward. Let me assure you it didn't affect my psyche in the least."

Waitaminute...is this just a hypothetical situation, or stemming from real life childhood events? :)

Forty_Two said...

All those jokes about the shrink telling his patient, "Tell me about your mother." aren't really jokes. Don't you wonder why my weblog is so anti-family?

The fact that I function as well as I do amazes me after spending my first two decades with Sybil.

honkeie2 said...

My mom never caught me 'red handed' but she was always find my crank material. No matter where i hid it she would always accidently find my current issue of 'Leg Show' or 'Max Hardcore' ....man i miss those mags haha.

chosha said...

My mother has only one rule for when we have kids: she is NOT BABYSITTING!! I find that a bit slack after all the school holidays I spent at HER parents' house!