2/08/2006

Riddled with bullets

• My therapy sessions consist of a barren room, a bottle of whiskey, a punching bag and a stack of Playboys.
• Islamic fundamentalists like punching the air. Every time I see them on television, Islamo-fascists are punching the air in unison as if the Spirit of David Hasselhoff hangs in it. It's frightening to watch. But if you mute the television and play some MP3s, it makes them look like they're rocking to a Bon Jovi Concert. Dig that Western pop culture, Habib.
• Sometimes, just for fun, when my wife's approaching an orgasm, I say to her, "Keep it down. Remember, your dead relatives are watching."
• I like to watch the morning news so I can figure out whom to spend the day hating. Sometimes it's people without jobs. Other times it's rebellious teens. Lately it's Barry Manilow, who's reminded me what a big pussy the white male has become.
• I've been thinking about dating and I've realized that at some point during the date every girl asks herself, so am I going to sleep with this guy, or not? I figure the moment immediately preceding this event is the best time to buy her another drink and tell her how you're saving for a really cool sports car. Or make something up. You can regale her with how you fought off two hungry tigers with your bare hands to save orphan children in Kuala Lampur.
• I never understood the Sex Offender Registry. It's not practical. I don't care if my neighbor peeps on me while I'm showering. I want to know who in my neighborhood is stealing car stereos. We should put those little vatos on a list! The Car Stereo and Hubcap Thief Registry. Uh oh, dear. The Escargoza's just moved in. Time to buy The Club!
• Women need to understand that as men age, the price they're willing to pay for sex plummets. We still want sex. We're just have less tolerance for bullshit. An older guy takes a girl on a date and she busts into a Beyonce-inspired quasi rap about how you have to buy her some Gucci before you see her coochie or whatever, and he's likely to say to her, you know what, I think I'll just jerk off tonight. Have a lovely evening, Queen Latifa.

38 comments:

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I've GOT TO try that thing with the Islamic fundamentalists and the MP3 player...that's gotta be worth a laugh or two.

And tell me, how hard is the nutcracker your wife delivers to you when you tell her her "dead relatives" are watching? ;)

Oh great One said...

"Keep it down. Remember, your dead relatives are watching."

That's just icky.

Bennet said...

You've hit the nail square..

Older means less tolerance for bullshit.

Very funny.

Speacking of Muslims, I guess they don't care how much of a bunch of pussies they look like pissed off over that cartoon...

I hope they stay away from my blog, because they'll blow my ass up.

Anti-Blogger said...

Speaking from personal experience, the "two hungry tigers" thing doesn't work.

kari said...

Thanks to you and your 'dead relatives' comment I probably won't cum tonight! And I was looking forward to it too.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Loved the visual, "Keep it down honey, remember your dead relatives are watching." TOO PRECIOUS!!!!

Manilow: Yes, INDEEDY! In addition, doesn't he look a bit sallow to you, lately?

"No thanks honey, I'll just jerk off tonight..."


LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR INSIGHTS!!!

Billy said...

Bug, as always, you crack me up - I love the Car Stereo and Hubcap Thief Registry, that's a damned classic and pertinant too.

The less tolerance for bullshit line is so, so true.

Laurie said...

Dead relatives. Holy fuck that's funny. I'm gonna try it on my man tonight.

Update tomorrow.

migraine boy said...

Damn you man, thinking of dead relatives makes me cum faster!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I never bought a girl a drink because I always knew what the answer was going to be.

actonbell said...

Hey. Barry Manilow's already been picked-on enough. A thief registry? Wow, that'd be really long!

I always hated it when guys started buying me drinks. One of the benefits of being middle-aged and married:)

Miss Sassy said...

I'm up for the new registry. I want a "these jackholes leave your CD cases where Habib dancing used to be" list for my neighborhood.

My therapy room, if I could make one, looks almost the same.
Vodka, no whiskey.

I've been told to keep it down, but if they pull that dead relative crap I'll just say "you were sorry you never got to meet my mom; she says she's glad I'm getting some and to tell you not to even THINK you are catching the beginning of the show by cutting this short." This would make them laugh, then get creeped out, then they would loose wood, and I would get the thrill of killing the moment =)
Fantastic mental pictures today LBB!!

tornwordo said...

That's cruel to do to your wife. Though admittedly amusing. And so true, that last one there, that second to the last line.

poopie said...

I'll never be able to enjoy an orgasm without the dead relatives again. Thanks a bunch LBB.

Elaine said...

"Guccie before you can see her coochie" LBB is your real name Marshall Mathers???

"Keep it down. Remember, your dead relatives are watching."

CLASSIC.

KB said...

OMG LBB you're evil!

You remind your wife of her dead relatives while having sex?!?

LOL

Maybe I'm only outraged because *I* have thought about that! LOL

word verification: migget

Dave Morris said...

When you do that to your wife, doesn't it just cause you to work harder to regain "the moment?" I'd say that would be a great thing to do when she's rubbing one out.

SFChick74 said...

I'd like to see a Jackass Registry.

Riss said...

Women know pretty early on whether or not they're ever going to sleep with you. But the extra drink might close the deal for that night.

I was just thinking the same thing about Barry Manilow, while painfully watching him butched "Unchained Melody" on Dancing With The Stars. I know NO Asian, black, Spanish, Arab or Native American people who like Barry Manilow. So how come you white people haven't figured out he sucks yet?

Bob2837465 said...

You know, that's kind of the same reason I listen to the news in the morning, too. I need to get my morning cynicism along with my cup of coffee in order to really be able to get going!

Smartypants said...

"Keep it down. Remember, your dead relatives are watching."

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Video X said...

you are a smart man...best therapy session ever.

i actually like the thought of my neighbors watching. maybe i should be on the registry.

normiekins said...

the dead relatives.....LMAO
woman KNOW EXACTLY whether or not they are going to sleep with you......and when.!

SugarHigh said...

you are so wrong it's right. i love that. i wish i'd thought of that therapy regime two years ago when i was paying $20 copayment twice a month. bastards!

jules said...

Wow, I never thought therapy could be so cheap. And your part about men being willing as they age, is absolutely the same for women!

StringMan said...

I'll never look at those muslim street rallies the same. Nor Bon Jovi. Nor dead relatives. Nor Barry Manilow. Nor Queen Latifa. I have your excellent post to blame.

Sonic Reducer said...

You rock. This is some funny shit.

Karen said...

Better watch what you say to your wife, she'll find some way to get back at you just as you're coming LOL

Webmiztris said...

forget the sports car...girls, like me at least, could care less. Funny is the key! and you appear to have that one down already... :D

Amandarama said...

I think it is possible that you and I may go to the same place for therapy. Have you figured out a way to make Playboy billable to your HMO yet? And if you do, could you tell me?

nongirlfriend said...

You're fucking hilarious.

But I'm with T - so not nice to do to your wife!

CaCaBoy said...

That is the best damn post I've read since, since, well your last one!

Buy me gucci for coochie........

Sandra said...

hee hee hee...

Nölff said...

I like to see people get pissed off over cartoons. Even if it pisses off part of the globe.

The cartoons are not even funny. That's the funny thing about it.

Nettie said...

See, I don't like barren rooms.

Jill said...

Can I use your therapy room??

Toni said...

Damn...Barry Manilow really sucks.

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