2/15/2006

Things NOT to say...

Things not to say to...

A policeman

These aren't donuts, dude. They're tires. No go play with your radar gun. And if you really want to catch me doing something naughty, drop by your bedroom one night and say hello to me and your wife.


A feminist

If you put half as much effort into your cooking as you do reading "discover your inner-goddess" paperbacks, I wouldn't have to bang your sister for a ham sandwich.


A 2000 Al Gore voter

Do you want to buy this box of uncounted ballots for a souvenir? They wouldn't fit in the shredder. For an extra $100 I can throw in the "real killers" OJ's been looking for.


Guys with goatees

Doesn't that tickle your boyfriend's balls? Do you have a name for that thing? I've got one. How about "Jism Mop?" You know, on account of all the jism your boyfriend shoots into it.


People with excessive tattoos

I've always wanted a 3-dimensional paint-by-numbers. Get your freaky ass naked and I'll get grab my palette.


Islamic fundamentalists

Yeah, I read about those 72 virgins. The bad news is, they all have the right to vote and most of them have jobs, too.


George Bush

Mr. President, that red button on your telephone summons the Domino's Pizza guy.


Dick Cheney

Tweet, tweet.

33 comments:

tornwordo said...

Couldn't resist the Cheney shot now could you? And goatees are gay? I wouldn't grow one for specifically the reason you describe ; )

And I'm really first? Woo hoo!

Julie said...

I don't think you can play baseball these days w/out a gotee, ha!

I love the al gore one and OJ one and probably very true, along w/ the bush one!! The only Bush I trust is my own of course! I'd say the Dick you trust is your own now!

Snooze said...

I'm a militant feminist and I cook a wicked pepper steak. Wondering too what the women of Islam are offered if they die in battle. The appeal of male virgins for women just ain't the same!

nongirlfriend said...

I have 12 tattoos...but it'd take a big paintbrush to connect them. They're TINY.

Heather said...

Yeah, I read about those 72 virgins. The bad news is, they all have the right to vote and most of them have jobs, too.

You're my hero.

Lance said...

tweet tweet is a bulls eye! Watch out we are wearing orange mr. vice president.

StringMan said...

I'm disappointed. No Brokeback reference? I guess Jism Mop will have to do ...

Peter said...

Is it true Bugs, that the "72" virgins refers to their age?

Frap Gurl said...

And those virgins probably have their clitoris's intact

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Jism mop? How cool is that term??? I gotta remember to use that...:)

And the DJ's at my local radio station keep playing Aerosmiths "Chaneys Got A Gun""...er...I mean "Janies Got A Gun". It's sounds about right, doesn't it?

Webmiztris said...

excellent! lol

I always think that those Islamic men are going to be pretty pissed off when they get to heaven and find out that all 72 of their virgins are virgins because they are LESBIANS and wouldn't fuck their sorry asses with a 10-foot pole...

LaunderLust said...

Damn it, man! You sooo make me wish I had excessive tatoos! Now I'm going to fantasize about you grabbing your palette.

Teaspoon said...

*head bowed in shame*
Alright as soon as I am off from work I am shaving my goatee and making an appointment for tatoo laser removal. Your post wazs harsh but oh so true, thank you for opening my eyes. :-)

poopie said...

tsk tsk..Poor old Dick will never live that one down. *snort*

Smartypants said...

Oh. I can think of a lot of things you shouldn't say to cops.

Like.

"Make me."

Elaine said...

LOL! Jism mop! Thank you for that new term for a goatee!

I always thought it was the "flavor saver" but you actually named "the flavor" that goatees actually save. Very nice.

Spinning Girl said...

Cute.

Miss Sassy said...

The problem with the virgins is... you only get the thrill that first time.
So then you have 72 plain ol women who laugh at your dumb ass for goin all kamakazie just to get laid - and only 72 times! We're talking eternity right??

Oh yeah, and some of us can read AND cook, simultaneously, and you'll STILL have to track down my sister for a sandwich because that second helping is now tomorrows lunch.
Nothing personal... not all guys make a joke of it.

Yeah. Doughnuts. Is that where that tiny tire name came from?? because a cop was trying to boot it and then though it would be better with sprinkles?

"Get your jism mop on my coochysnortcher". I like it. Two of the most fun words that can be used in a sentance together to describe something I want! Brilliant!

DayByDay4-2Day said...

Sometimes I wonder about you and were you get this stuff from.
No then again I don't want to know I really rather not. But keep writing and I'll keep reading.

Bye

Oh great One said...

CCB has a goatee. His saves a different flavor. *blush*

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

GOOD STUFF!!!

Melonie said...

Tweet Tweet, LMAO!

Bennet said...

Ole Dick....Dick Cheney.
Just remember when this guy leaves office he might rejoin his most important task of being CEO for one of the biggest companies in America...

What not to say to his co-workers ass-kissers:" Hey, anybody wanna go hunting this weekend with, Dick Cheney, and Stevie Wonder?"

Riss said...

I laughed out loud at the feminist one. Then got hungry.

Lara said...

rofl @ Dick Cheney. At least he had the common sense to shoot a lawyer. tweet.

Thanks for stopping by my HNT posts... and yeah, I'm 42. :) If I were going to lie, I'd use a way lower number! hehe

Video X said...

man alive. you have no idea how much you just gave me the best thing to say in a couple weeks to one of those tattoo dudes. he might kick my ass after i say it, but it's so going to be worth it!

crestfallendespairacy said...

laughing so hard...i wil lhave to use some of these..
LOVE your writing!!!!! keep it up

http://sempiternallypreternatural.blogspot.com/

popfizz said...

ha ha!

I use my goatee for good, not evil.
I nicknamed it "taint tickler" and get more compliments on it than you can imagine.

I guess it could be used to soak up man-seed. Never tried that. Gives me something to do this weekend. Thank you Bugs Butt!!!

cmhl said...

bang your sister for a ham sandwich! haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Chick said...

I always want to color tattoo'd people in...always.

KB said...

Ahahahaha tweet tweet.

Aahahahhahahahahaha.

NWJR said...

Satan would kick your ass if you picked on his goatee.

Mom of Three said...

Another thing not to say to Islamic Fundamentalists:

"You know those 72 virgins? They're all over the age of nine."

Bummer, dude.