2/10/2006

Vanity is only skin-deep

I want to know why everybody I know always looks the same every time I see them, but when I look in the mirror, it's a craps-shoot. I have no idea what creature will be looking back at me. There's a thousand different things that can go wrong with my appearance. My hair alone can be fucked up in up to 32 ways at one time. My hair is a true-time multitasking embarrassment machine. Once in a while it manages to look cool, but most of the time it looks like Ray Charles molded 100 eggs of brown Play-Doh onto my head -- after hitting the "brown sugar."

My complexion is beginning to frighten me. I'm developing patches of color that haven't made it into the Crayola-128 pack yet. In fluorescent lighting, my face reminds me of a relief map of the Painted Desert -- the part where wildlife goes to die. I used to feel lucky for being a man, largely because women had to bother with makeup. But I'm getting to the age where I'm jealous of women, because I could really use some of that shit! Tell me more about this "foundation" stuff.

Looking into the mirror is a gamble. But at least you're expecting potentially bad news. I hate when you catch a glimpse of your reflection unexpectedly, perhaps in a store-front window, and you don't have time to brace yourself for what a traffic accident your appearance has become. Of course, some days you look so good you can actually feel it and you almost feel sorry for that poor fat bastard with the pasty skin, the goofy shorts, mismatching socks and the hair that looks like his parents were a baboon and Don King, until you realize that poor bastard is your own reflection passing by the Denny's front window. That's a piece of humble pie.

But I'm learning to deal with it. I stay positive. Most of the time it's just unflattering lighting, after all. You need to have flattering lighting! Too much light reveals things that have no business being seen. So as a rule, I avoid well-lit rooms, fluorescent lighting, track lighting, computer monitors, electrical storms, cigarette lighters, heat lamps, sparklers, lightning bugs, penlights and disco balls. I don't mind direct sunlight, though. I can still look pretty good in the sun because everybody has to squint. You just have to watch out for people with sunglasses.

35 comments:

Elaine said...

"Tell me more about this "foundation" stuff."

Hey! If applied just right mister man, no one would ever be the wiser... ;)

I hear ya on unexpectedly catching a glimpse of yourself when you're not prepared. When I was pregnant, I saw another pregnant woman at the mall and I was like.. "OMG. how is THAT woman going to push a baby OUT..what is she, like 2 foot tall???"

yeah. It was my reflection I was talking shit about...

Miss Sassy said...

I've actually been impressed with my reflection on more than one occasion... its when the room is lit with cigarette lighters that I find the real problems, I agree with you on that one. All that orange flame makes anyone look like they lost the fight with the tan-in-a-can ala Paris Hilton.

Thanks for reminding me why I spend the 12 minutes painting my face in the am... I just pulled out a mirror to see if my vanity was in check and WOWIZIE do these fluorescents make my dark circles glow!!
Oh, thats the partial hangover?
Oh. Well, it still sucks in here.

poopie said...

Perhaps your face needs a dose of fetal juice.

StringMan said...

Just a great post, Bug. Man, you are so right: that image you see in the storefront window, when you're not expecting it, can just take your frikken breath away.

No, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about you.

Heather said...

Yes, lighting is key. Flourescent is the worst.

I laughed out loud for a long time over this one, Bug.

Leilouta said...

How old are you?

Peter said...

Have you tried being the one with the dark glasses BB
I mean REALLY dark glasses.

jules said...

Funny as always, Bug Butt

NWJR said...

Go ahead, Mr. Butt. Buy some makeup. You know you want to...

Jill said...

Yes...I stay in the dark. In the dark no one ages. And moonlight is very flattering.

Bob2837465 said...

From about October to May when my skin is the palest, I wear glasses instead of contacts in order to try to disguise the dark circles under my eyes that no amount of foundation or cover-up can hide. I'll wear my contacts in the summer since I have a bit of a tan and I can wear sunglasses to hide the circles. I've tried to pass off the reason of wearing my glasses as laziness and not wanting to have to put forth the effort to wear my contacts, but in reality, it truly is simply vanity.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Beauty is only skin and bones and a few curves and some nipples deep, so quit frettig.

Oh great One said...

I wear my sunglasses at night....

nongirlfriend said...

Get photo facial treatments. They'll get rid of the brown spot. I have my aesthetician working on two patches on my face.

Oh, and Jane Iredale mineral foundation (I like the pressed powder) covers up without looking like you're wearing anything.

I wouldn't worry about it, though. I've seen your picture and you're cute.

chosha said...

I LOVE foundation. 1 min in front of the mirror and I have lovely even skin again. *sigh*

Junebugg said...

GIGGLE GIGGLE Yeah, I'd like to see you with makeup on! I love you, age spots and all {{{HUG}}}

Melonie said...

Foundation? Concealer is the secret weapon!

madman said...

There are bennifts to being a vampire.

Rob Seifert said...

Chuckle... At some point, if you're lucky, you'll have more days out where you just couldn't give a shit what you like than those that you do. I've slipped over that edge, much to the annoyance of my dear wife. I've been growing my hair out since July and, let me tell you, it's fugly atm - still to short to tie it back and too long to look well kept.

RCS

Amandarama said...

At least you have a reflection.

It's the little things...

As always... Rachael said...

Foundation is a god-send for anyone forced to get less than 13 hours of sleep. It's right up there with Visine! Visine takes the hangover away, and foundation fills in all the cracks. It's good stuff. Just be sure to match the shade well. Everyone laughs at those orange face / white neck types!

Wild*Hen said...

Less is more...words to live by.
If you don't agree, take a long hard look at yourself. You just might be that girl we laugh at!

The secret is to look like you don't realy have make-up on. So many people miss that.

We all look the same with the lights out anywayz...

tornwordo said...

I especially like the exploding blood vessels now making scattered appearances on my countenance. As if my bloodshot eyes are directing the decorating.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Okay, so we have "foundation'...but then on the other hand, we have to try on skimpy bathing suits in those horrid little changing rooms with those big huge lights glaring over us...talk about hideous!!! Makes me want to run right to the Sports and Ammo section, grab a gun and "off" myself.

;)

amber lynn said...

Makeup is a love/hate relationship. I love that it helps out tremendously with the whole relief map effect. I hate that it has to come off every night and I look hungover every morning and the one person besides myself who has to see me like that is my husband. The one guy I really don't want seeing me like that because he is my one source of booty calls and the only guy who really has to find me attractive after all.

So a few tips for you this morning:
1. Drink loads of water. Like try to see what happens if you drink 2 gallons in a day.

2. Go get a facial. Getting rid of the dead surface skin will help.

And, if you are really, really concerned, start taking vitamins. After all, beauty comes from within.

Webmiztris said...

hey, jude law uses concealer....I'm serious! if you do it right, no one will know! I'm in the same boat... my complexion is all splotchy and I need to cover that shit up. No wonder I love dark, smokey bars...lol

kari said...

Sweetie Pie. I happen to think that spastic hair is very charming. I want to see a picture! I bet you're just darling.

Edgy Mama said...

Having hair is a good thing at your age--even if it's a mess.

I believe the only photo of yourself you've ever posted cut our your head. Now we know why.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Yanno, I was watching this show last night on TLC re: some Mexican wolfboys in the circus in LA. Their faces were entirely COATED in fur because of some weird hereditary trait. I could see where that could have its advantages in camouflaging too sallow complexion or bags under the eyes.

Video X said...

screw that nonsense! hey i'm one ugly effer half the time. i dont even bother brushing my hair...bedhead crazy hair is cool. the coolEST. i'm disgusting. it's the best way to be. i say embrace it!

Smartypants said...

But, then there's those times where you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror or a window and you think...I'm lookin' good.

Stay out of the sun and make sure you moisturize and all will be well, my brother.

Edgy Mama said...

I meant to type: Cut out your head...

But I also forgot to mention, duh, how great your bod looked in that photo. And how bummed this happily married chick was when you took it down.

O, and I'll have a really good Valentine's Day story for you tomorrow, LBB!

Blog ho said...

like that woman in seinfeld. yes. yes, it is a contagion that is called, the bird flu.

Lyvvie said...

I thought all men did wear cosmetics...

I'm laughing so hard at lungfung's avatar...I'm sorry.

I'm sure it's all in your head, men are supposed to look better with age.

Spinning Girl said...

I am stunning, everyone around me looks like ass.

Just kidding; sometimes I am stunned by the size of my own eyebags. Are they even physically possible?!?