2/03/2006

Weekend nincompoopery

  • Despise hatred all you please. You can't deny it has the virtue of being a great motivator. After all, what ultimately moves you to start looking for a new job, a new home, or a new spouse?
  • Hate also brings out your creativity. Remember the foods you hated as a kid? I was a regular Houdini with peas and cauliflower. I could hide them in potato skins. I could make them disappear into a napkin. I could teleport them into the bottom of a milk glass!
  • Why are political science classes so noisy and calculus classes so quiet?
  • Why tax fast food for making people fat? Let's tax couches and video games and stretch pants.
  • So I'm watching these guy shower at my gym. Relax. Hold your comments. I wasn't watching in a Brokeback Mountain way, but in an anthropological way. I noticed that most guys take showering more seriously than I do. These guys were scrubbing the hell out of themselves. They were going at themselves like their bodies were one giant penis and they were Pee Wee Hermans in a peep stall. Innuendos aside, I didn't observe anything sexual. These guys meant business. Watching them made me feel remiss. When I shower, I wet it, rub it with some soap, rinse it and move on with my life. I figure I'm clean. My shower lasts 2 minutes and 30 seconds -- 3 minutes if I want a happy ending. Not these guys. They were scrubbing like gangbusters. They were tip-toeing, strecthing, squatting, reaching their arms around, probing crevasses, vibrating like motors as they scrub, scrub, scrub. I wanted to ask them, don't you chafe? Were you just exposed to radiation or something? It's like a re-enactment of Silkwood in here.
  • You'll notice I made another disparaging remark about Brokeback Mountain, above. I warned you several posts ago that I'd be doing that often. I plan to make good on my threat. In fact, I'm going to be poking so much fun at the movie, riding it so hard, giving it such a thorough lather, that I've added "Brokeback" into my MS Word online dictionary. I was tired of seeing it underlined in red.
  • A time will come when we adopt hydrogen cell technology, wind and solar power. At that precise moment, some environmentalist busybody will publish a paper "proving" the damage water vapor, decreased wind current and solar radiation is causing the ecosystem. Count on it.
  • True story: One time I was writing a blog post and I wanted to use the word "nincompoopery." I doubted it was a real word. So I walked over to my dictionary. Lo and behold, the dictionary was already opened to the word "nincompoopery!" Today I wanted to use the word "douchebaggery." No such luck this time.
  • Does anybody else catch the double entendre when Viagra advertises with a pop-up window?
  • Of all the things political correctness has taken from us, I miss most of all the option to call my friends "fag." Remember how useful that word was? "You've asked me to throw the ball to you 4 times now. Quit being a fag." "You crashed my bike, you fag." "Last one in the pool is a fag." "Only a fag couldn't make a shot from that close."
  • On a related note, remember that game "Smear the Queer?" What do they call it now, "Smear the Individual Who's in Possession of the Football?" I'm telling you, people. We've lost something. Political Correctness is culture cancer. I fear for the future of the term "douche bag."
  • I figure about 15,000 blogs have already pointed this out, but let me get this straight. Not only have we had a dick, a bush and a colon in the White House, but now we have a boner leading the majority party in the House of Representatives? What's next? A Secretary of Defense named "General Herpes?"

33 comments:

Oh great One said...

I must not have any of those 15,000 blogs in my faves list. You were the first to point that out to me! Too funny!

Ms. M said...

You make excellent points. PC stuff makes my undies bunch up giving me a wedgie I just can't get rid of!

Riss said...

So... I'm not supposed to be saying things like "Stop being such a fag" to my gay friends? Note to self.

I've cut down on that word too though and I never used it as a gay slur. I really miss it. I would offer myself up to anyone who wanted to call me a "chink" if I could continue to merrily go on my way calling stupid people faggots. It would be worth it. Negative comments have zero effect on me anyway and I'd have a free pass to use my favorite word.

And this cutting down on the word is just for politeness right, because I'm not that worried about getting my ass kicked.

kari said...

Don't you think Boniva is an appropriate name for an erectile dysfunction drug?? I do. Giant penises...heehee.

Anti-Blogger said...

Stop being such a fag.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Were you referring to some specific douchebaggery in Brokeback Mountbatten, or just the whole thing, overall, President Peter?

Edgy Mama said...

Damn, after Hoss, I can't think of anything clever to say. Except I love it when you throw around all these multi-syllabic words, LBB. Like nincompoopery and douchebaggery and herpes.

KB said...

Oh shit LBB--you did it again!

I was rolling on the floor about the gym shower, and you're so right on political correctness.

I love your blog.

Elaine said...

Many a times I've noticed a man scrubby scrub away at his belly,legs and his happy place, as if it was something he was trying to erase... but I never noticed them scrubbing the parts that really count..like their ass. Did you see any vigorous ass scrubbing whilst in the shower with these men? Because of all the men's locker rooms I've snuck into, I've never seen it.

Riss said...

That's what I forgot to say. I came back and re-read this because it made me laugh, the gym shower thing and pretty much everyone else.

Although... I must admit I NEED to use a pouf to feel clean. If I just use a bar of soap I feel as if I'm COATING versus CLEANSING.

SFChick74 said...

I'm going to start watching the news again just to hear them say, "Boner" and see if they don't giggle or smile even a little bit.

Also, I enjoyed the Silkwood reference. Classic!

Junebugg said...

Your way with words overwhelms me!
Damn, you did it again. Perhaps you missed your calling and should have been a speach writter?

tornwordo said...

Brilliant as usual. That last line reminded me of working in a super busy LA cafe. The hostess was an old Swedish lady (not perfectly versed in English) who called out names on the waiting list. For our supreme amusement, we would spike the waiting list with names such as "Dr. Smegma" and "Jack Herpes". My all time favorite was when she called into the microphone, " Patty Vulva party of 2, Patty Vulva"

Video X said...

well hell i'm still hiding vegetables at age 31 when despite the fact that i make it clear i'll eat anywhere as long as there is something other than vegetables they still take me to some monogolian barbecue with nothing but veggies and freeze dried meat. and it would be rude to just not eat them...so i hide them...with my napkin. damn those things. they offend me.

Edgy Mama said...

Interestingly enough, peas and cauliflower are the ONLY veggies my kids will eat. What does that mean?

Spinning Girl said...

I always like a random Silkwood reference.

StringMan said...

Your blog - and posts like this - make my brain hurt sometimes. Too much to think about all at once.

(I was going to say "Your post makes my brain hurt", but it sounded too Brokeback for my tastes)

Used Hack said...

Great post.

I'll never understand the Silkwood scrubbers either. I never spend more than five minutes in the shower unless my wife is in there with me. Oh, yeah. ;)

I feel the same way about the word "fag." It's not necessarily like calling someone a "homosexual," it's just a nice, relatively meaningless putdown for your friends.

God, I miss playing "Smear the Queer." I haven't thought of that in years. What a great game.

poopie said...

Have a good weekend you fag ;)

NWJR said...

On a related note, remember that game "Smear the Queer?"

I bet This Guy would. If he were alive, that is.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

as always, I'm dumb founded!

Peter said...

Damn it Bugs, how do you do that? I have just stood in front of my dictionarl and randomly opened it 116 times, not once did it open anywhere near nincompoopery, (or for that matter any other word that sounded even vaguely interesting) now I think I've strained something with all that repetetive action stuff.

Amandarama said...

Hate does make me more creative. Hate fueled by a whiskey blackout. Or so my friends tell me the next day.

Wenchy said...

Really enjoyed reading ya.... I can't like cauliflower.. not even with cheese sauce.

As always... Rachael said...

I'm not big on exfoliation either. As long as I don't stink, I'm happy.

I DO remember Smear the Queer... we ladies only played hoping for a chance to wind up horizontal with some cute guy.

nongirlfriend said...

Oh my God, Tornwordo makes up the nasty fake names at restaurants, too!

Great post!

Smartypants said...

I exfoliate.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Yanno every time I read the word "douchebaggery," I think for a split second the word was "dubachery."

Great Silkwood reference!

Hmmm, I think it would be great having a Pappy Smear, or Vulvodynia as the Surgeon General!

But ya lost me at the stretch pants tax!! Momma's gotta wear something comfortable, fat or THIN!

If anything, there should be a Camel Toe tax, or a Muffin Top tax for those too heavy, who don't have the good sense to wear clothing that flatters them. The deeper the toe, the higher the tax!

Nölff said...

Dude, Brokebabck Mountain is gay.

SugarHigh said...

I love the word nincompoop in all its forms. thank you for bringing that word back into my life. i will now be trying to scraep the visual you gave me of old men stroking themselves to death in public showers out of my brain. oy.

Bennet said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA....

I'm not blogging as much anymore , but Bug if you weren't here it wouldn't be the same.

Consistently funny.

Still laughing about the Brokeback...

If only as a practical joke you could go for a shower, and rig some sort of blood sqwirting device into you sponge then spray blood everywhere and scream out:" I'VE SCRUBBED MY SKIN OFF!!!..AHHH!!!"

Toni said...

benet said: If only as a practical joke you could go for a shower, and rig some sort of blood sqwirting device into you sponge then spray blood everywhere and scream out:" I'VE SCRUBBED MY SKIN OFF!!!..AHHH!!!"

That's hella brilliant, dude. Bug, you should totally do this next time you're at the gym shower.

Weary Hag said...

And still - he remains magnificent.

I smell another book - please keep me posted.