3/15/2006

Bullet the blue blog

  • They say everything's bigger in Texas – except penises and IQ test scores. Those two things tend to commensurate with Rhode Island.
  • Have you seen the commercials for these "Better Sex" videos? They show a young, attractive couple in soft lighting gently stroking each other, giggling and drinking wine. "Enhance your bedroom encounters," the commercials say. Evidently, these are instructional videos for a "hotter, more exciting love-life." Too little, too late. Nowadays, everybody has broadband Internet access. And the Internet is awash in sex videos. They feature all kinds of crazy, new ideas. I just closed a pop-up ad that asked whether I'd care to have virtual sex with a donkey for $1.99 per minute.
  • A positive thinker is somebody who discovers his bread has gone stale and thinks, "Oh, good. Now I don't have to toast it."
  • I think milk gallons should be shaped like a cow teat.
  • Everyone's complaining about the recent drought in the Southwest. This isn't a drought. A drought is when you turn the spigot and sand shoots into your mouth. It's when you hire a crazy African witch doctor to walk around your property with a Y-shaped stick prowling for the water table. We don't have a drought here. We have enough water to drink, to bathe and to refill our 60,000 gallon swimming pools. These are the same people who think a warm summer and a hurricane are proof-positive of global warming.
  • Post-modern art was created for all the aspiring artists out there who can't draw.
  • When you write, you bare your soul. You're metaphorically stripping naked and modeling yourself. This is why bloggers are so sensitive to criticism. When you show your lover your naked body, you don't want them to squint and say something like, "Eeeeesh. Gosh. Is that cellulite or did you just accidentally sit in a vat of oatmeal?" "Have you shown that blemish to your doctor yet?" "You call that a penis?"
  • Investing in the stock market is gambling, only this time, you're the House.
  • Women need to form a Better Boyfriend Bureau. It could work just like the Better Business Bureau. You post complaints. Others reference the Bureau before they date. And if you register a complaint, the boyfriend has the opportunity to negotiate with the filing party and resolve the conflict (usually by finally telling her once and for all why he stopped calling).
  • I think it's great that the sex roles are reversing. Women belong in the workplace. Men need to discover the joys of homemaking. I just hope to Christ we never have to start shaving our legs.

26 comments:

Oh great One said...

I love the better boyfriend bureau idea! I'm surprised your not a billionaire! Maybe you are how the heck would I know?

NWJR said...

The Better Boyfriend Bureau idea already exists, Mr. Butt:

Don't Date Him, Girl!

Seriously.

Smartypants said...

You might be surprised how many boys shave their legs.

Buffy said...

I use to rub lightening bug butt all over my face and dance around under the full moon.

No one said a thing.

kari said...

Hey LBB it's www.dontdatehimgirl.com
I just found out about it myself!

Riss said...

Is it just me or did that donkey sex line sound intruiging?

Pervy Man: Oh baby tell me how you like it.
Donkey: HEE HAAW HEE HAAW.
Pervy Man: Yeah that's it... dirty girl.
Donkey: HEE HAAW HEEEE HAW.
Pervy Man: Does it feel good?
Donkey: HEEE HAW HEE HAWW .

And all of a sudden you're $800 in the hole.

Elaine said...

First. Bwahahah at riss'
comment....

second, a milk gallon shaped like a cow teat! That is GENIUS.

Third: "Eeeeesh. Gosh. Is that cellulite or did you just accidentally sit in a vat of oatmeal?"

OOOH wee. HARSH but NICE. I will work that into my daily insults. Thank you. You truly do a community service with your blog.

Blond Girl said...

If you shave your legs, I want to watch!

Frap Gurl said...

I use my toaster to light my smokes! Are cigs bigger in texas?

nongirlfriend said...

Hey, I can account for my IQ test score.

But not for my penis.

nongirlfriend said...

Oh and we already have the BBB, Bug's Butt. It's a VAST network.

Bennet said...

I've seen that better sex ad.
A spokesman say:" So this guys says to me, I'm unhappy with my sexual perfomance."

Sounds like a car repair ad, and every time I see it I keep want to hear the guy say:" So I told him he's gay, and that his dick is broke."

Toni said...

Hell Bug, I don't shave my legs often- and I *am* a girl!

Weary Hag said...

You're absolutely right. Long ago I was dating this guy who told me my writing sucks. He later produced his penis to me. I said, "So I guess this makes me the early bird?"

We both had to same exact reaction to each other's insults.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Shaving is highly over-rated. I do it as seldom as possible.

Of course, it helps if you know how to braid...;)

Ms. M said...

I don't shave often either. I LOATHE it.

bennet's comment reminds me of something from "The Forty Year Old Virgin" deleted scenes...

"You know how I know you're gay? Because your dick tastes like shit."

Webmiztris said...

there actually is a site out there that is exactly like how you described the Better Boyfriend Bureau to be...damn, I forget the name of it...but it's out there!!

Webmiztris said...

this is it - this is the site!

http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/

Edgy Mama said...

I don't shave either--anywhere. And my lover finds it very sexy.

Please don't tell me you're part of the 5% who diss the science of global warming? Though I know how you love being in the minority.

Video X said...

"Post-modern art was created for all the aspiring artists out there who can't draw."

yup. right on my friend.

Video X said...

oh...and i think dudes who shave their legs are entirely too weird. they frighten me a little. maybe a lot. at any rate, i avoid them. i also could give a crap less if they shave their private areas. i shave...but that's me...it looks stupid in a bathing suit to have pubic hair poking out. guys dont wear bikinis. or i hope not...if they do then they can go right in the same category with the ones who scare me...unless they are doing it to be funny. basically, i think guys are supposed to be hairy.

Lyvvie said...

I'm still a bit shocked by The Weary One...She's just too cool.

You're worried about shaving your legs, when I've just found out that so many men shave their bollocks! I can't understand how men can be sensetive about that area but not think twice about taking a razorblade....hello? Did you just faint? I'll get you some water....

Why is there sand coming out of this fawcet?!!?

Sharon said...

You rock.

And the comment on post-modern art is awesome.

Miss Sassy said...

dear me I shouldn't have checked in at work.
Until now they thought I was the quiet one answering phones and diligently working away... until I shot cappucchino out my nose at the teet comment and gafawed about the artists.
I like the investing idea - that trip to Vegas was very enlightening.
I wanna play house now. Thanks!

Mom of Three said...

C'mon, don't be a wuss. WAX your legs!

StringMan said...

I have a friend in Surprise, AZ who has been bitterly complaining about your recent "drought". I'm going to send her that bullet of yours ...