But enough about Robosapien. I'd like to resurrect an old toy from my childhood: the Stretch Armstrong dol... action figure. Stretch Armstrong's super power, other than pulling off the Speedo look, was that his limbs could stretch several times their original length and then retract to their original size and shape. Imagine a toy like this in the hands of a 6-year-old boy. Of course he's going to test Stetch's limits. I know I did. I enlisted the help of a friend and together we pulled Stretch over either side of the family Winnebago. The look on Stretch's face was priceless. If only he could talk, he'd say, "You sadistic little bastards. Don't you have a gerbil to torture? You future serial-killing bastards!"
Yep, I abused ole Stretch. My experiments went beyond linear dimensional analysis. Curious of his mysterious flesh, I tested Armstrong for blunt force trauma, puncture-resistance and flame retardant materials in his Speedos. Parents think toy guns cause violent behavior in children and advocacy groups have all but eliminated them from toy stores. I don't know how Stretch Armstrong flew beneath the radar. We tortured that poor bastard daily. We honed our torturing skills to a fine science. I once ran over his torso with my bicycle just to see if he'd survive. He did. The first few times.
I think they should re-introduce this piece of 1970s kitsch in the form of a foreign POW. I think kids today would love a Stretch Armstrong Prisoner Action Figure. And think what great elementary training these action figures would be for tomorrow's soldiers.
"Tell us where the nerve gas is, you terrorist scum. What's that? You don't feel like talkin', huh? Don't like Barbie's panties pulled over your head, do ya? Well, we'll just see if we can loosen your tongue by stretching your arms across a parking lot and jamming this superball up your ass! How do you like them apples?"