3/01/2006

More random musings and whatnot

  • Preparedness: It's easier to shit a brick if you drink a bucket of cement first.
  • My hospital plays the Lullaby Melody over the PA system each time a child is born in the maternity ward. It's sweet. But I think they should play Kanye West's Gold Digger. "Eighteen years, eighteen years. She's got one of yo kids, got you for eighteen years..."
  • The mark of a sophisticated mind is skepticism. The mark of a simple mind is dismissal.
  • A mere 100 years ago, being a pilot meant owning a big balloon and a large fan. I'll bet blimp pilots didn't get nearly as much cooter as today's do. Just imagine being an airline mechanic. Your tool kit consisted of duct tape an a bicycle pump!
  • You know that comedian, Carrot Top? Do you ever wonder whether he's a Carrot Bottom, too? Thoughts like these prevent me from passing psychological testing.
  • Who moves to Alaska (unless they're dodging a subpoena)? "You know, I want to freeze my balls off this summer, but I still want it to be annoyingly bright 24 hours per day for 3 months. And my neighborhood just doesn't have enough wolverines. I'd sure love to wake up each morning and wrestle one of those cute little bastards to get my trash can back."
  • Do you think God requested a paternity test?
  • George Bush has tapped Congress to write a law requiring Americans to grab their balls while reciting the Pledge instead of that "faggy, hand-over-the-heart stuff." I knew I voted for this guy for a reason!
  • I'm skeptical of criticism over the Iraq war and about American mistreatment of POWs. The way I see it, 60 years ago we nuked – NUKED – two Japanese cities full of women, children, schools, factories and Starbucks cafes because four years prior, they sank a couple of our boats. That's the kind of country we were just 60 years ago! As far as POWs, John McCain sustained himself on a steady diet of vermin and bitch-slaps for 6 years. Saddam Hussein angrily points his manicured, Cheetos-stained(!) finger at the Judge. And doesn't Saddam look sharp in that Armani suit? The Queer-Eye guys must love watching his trial!
  • You can't say we're not making progress. A generation ago, you had to wait until after marriage to have sex with a girl. Nowadays, you have to wait until after dinner. I'll bet in a few years, cooter will come in vending machines. Yay!
  • Why don't we use genetic engineering to mix weeds with flowers. You'd create a new species of plant life with gumption and beauty. No more planting flowers and no more pulling weeds. The whole process would take care of itself. You'd have 10-foot petunias in the backyard. You could plant them in cement and water them with gasoline and battery acid. No matter, they'll still look great come summertime!
  • Why is it so easy to take a nap and so hard to fall asleep for the night? I can take a nap on a wrecking ball crashing through a dynamite factory. But falling asleep at night is impossible. I pop some Nyquil, wrap tinfoil around my head, turn the TV to PBS... nothing helps.
  • Most people know the household remedy for a black eye is applying a frozen steak on it. But few know the remedy for jock itch is warm mashed potatoes on the bean bag.
  • The habanero pepper is the plutonium of the vegetable world.
  • Some days I feel better than others. I'm always willing to start up my car, but every once in a while I'm tempted to leave the garage door closed.

50 comments:

NWJR said...

I'll bet in a few years, cooter will come in vending machines. Yay!

Don't be so quick to celebrate. If it's anything like the stuff in the vending machine in my building, it'll be old, stale, and about two months past its expiration date. Yuck.

NWJR said...

Why don't we use genetic engineering to mix weeds with flowers.

I know I shouldn't comment twice, but when I first read this, I thought you said "WEED" with flowers. As in a Rose/Pot hybrid. Now THERE'S a Glade Plug-In I can get behind!

Ginamonster said...

who moves to alaska?

I consider it every so often. the men to women ratio is like, 5 to one. I could end my long dry spell!

trouble is, it's awfully cold in Alaska. which means the men are probably extra furry.

Laurie said...

This:

I can take a nap on a wrecking ball crashing through a dynamite factory.

made me giggle.

Lovin' on the randomness.

C said...

Just visiting! Great Blog. Your list definitely made me laugh! I really like your style of writing!:) Keep up the awesome blog! :)

kari said...

I once made fajitas with habeneros...it was a choking, sputtering kitchen disaster. I think I even blogged about it. As far as the weeds go...I really think you are onto something. I'll buy your seeds if you buy my COCK SOCK!

tornwordo said...

Hey I never thought of it that way, I mean the nuking and all.

And I can't take naps nor fall asleep at night. I'm starting to see bugs crawling on the ceiling.

(great stuff as always)

nongirlfriend said...

They need to find a way to hybrid weed with flowers. Then you can grow it w/out getting caught.

Migraine Boy said...

Ha...you said "cooter".

Molicious said...

You know I loved the second one. ;o)

StringMan said...

Hey, do think it ever occurred to the musician Ry Cooder that his name phonetically sounds like a 'sarcastic cooter'?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"Floweeds"! "Weedwers"! Whatever. Hurry and patent the best idea since the automatic cotton picker.

Pirate said...

W also proposed a new law allowing anyone from his administration to tell any lefty pinko to fuck off when asked if shotgun Dick told the world that the Plame bitch was a fucking spy.

Webmiztris said...

but the vending machine cooter is never as good as cooter made fresh, ya know.

nongirlfriend said...

Hey, I did an Alice post just for you...

Elaine said...

I was laughing so hard, I sharted.

Bastard.

;D

Bennet said...

Cooter in the can?...Why not spend 6 grand for one of these?....

http://www.realdoll.com/dolls.asp

Because masterbation is still much cheaper.

Bennet said...

Oh yeah, and perhaps you need a softer foam matress cover...Did me wonders.

Carrie said...

dude, i want to leave the garage door closed EVERY DAY...only I don't have a garage...meh.

btw, HOLY CRAP do you ever look EXACTLY like my neighbor....bizaro...cute. ;)

jules said...

Thanks for the laughs...after the day I've had I needed them severely! Oh...and have I mentioned you are one twisted bug? But I like that in a bug!

Amandarama said...

"The habanero pepper is the plutonium of the vegetable world."

Ironically, habaneros often lead me to leave dirty bombs in bathrooms. It's probably in violation of the Geneva Convention.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Nothing more fun than givin' a hummer after a meal full of habaneros...

Thanks! Now I can't get the wondering out of my head... wondering if Carrot Top's carpet matches his drapes... yikes!

Oh great One said...

I love you. No, REALLY love you!

"George Bush has tapped Congress to write a law requiring Americans to grab their balls while reciting the Pledge instead of that "faggy, hand-over-the-heart stuff." I knew I voted for this guy for a reason!"

I don't have any balls. Is it ok to grab CCB's? Or who ever might be next to me at that time?

NWJR said...

Just noticed the link to my blog in your sidebar. Huh...whodathunkit?

Thanks.

Smartypants said...

Hey! Is that you in the picture?

Teaspoon said...

As someone from Alaska, I feel that I should be offended by your comment, but seeing as I got the eff out of there as soon as I can, and I laughed at your post. I decided not to be offened.

Mike R. said...

Total greatness man. I would gladly grab my balls while reciting the pledge. I hear everytime a man grabs his balls four members of Al Qaeda spontaneously combust and don't get their virgins.

normiekins said...

vending machine cooter.....OMG LMAO and sometimes when you're lucky you can get two for the price of one when the coils mess up!

love the mix of flowers and weeds!

Dave Morris said...

What can I say? Pure poetry once again.

Timmy said...

I have no problem sleeping at night, yet I still cant take a nap, ever....or sleep in later than 7am, even on the weekends. So, which is worse?

Avatar said...

You voted for Chimpy? Dude. o_O

The habanero is the best thing to have happened to food, like, ever. Long live spicy food!

SugarHigh said...

yo, who is that hottie on your profile? It couldn't be you, could it??

"My hospital plays the Lullaby Melody over the PA system each time a child is born in the maternity ward. It's sweet. But I think they should play Kanye West's Gold Digger. "Eighteen years, eighteen years. She's got one of yo kids, got you for eighteen years..." "

you had me at hello... to funny.
speaking of Carrot Top, did you see those raunchy picks of him all buffed out. I love my men toned, but he just looked like an Ooompa Loompa on steriods. Really freaked me out. Point being, i don't ever want to know whether he is carrot bottomed. Blech!

Jill said...

So...I don't have balls. Does this mean that all women are excused from reciting the pledge? I REALLY like that idea.

poopie said...

Alrighty then..I'm hittin' up the powers that be to get your tune on our baby PA right away. Sweet ain't sweet about 13 years later.

Nettie said...

Tin foil's for keeping out the aliens.

CaCaBoy said...

Yeah, for Cooter in a can! I hope that comes with a side order of ta-ta's!

Chelle said...

LOL Funny blog!! Just popping in to say hi! Thanks for stopping by mine today :) I think I might just come back again!! :)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Terrific.

I'll have that mental picture of Carrot Tops balls in my head all damn day long now.

Ewwwww.

Jack Mercer said...

Hey Bug,

If you get a chance go to www.neolibs.com and check out the comment string on a Feb 26 post titled "Freedom is on the march, right off the cliff's edge ". It will probably be the most hilarious comment string you will ever read. It is long, but worth the read.

-Jack

Jason said...

I love that once I saw an ad for RLS (restless leg syndrome), my body decided that I should develop this problem. Now getting to sleep is a chore.

Video X said...

i must be the simple minded type. i believe in repression (with the help of alcohol) to the utmost extent. repression is close to dismissal isnt it?

Becky said...

So sad but true, about the cooters that is, they probably will be coming in vending machines soon!

What the hell ever happened to having some pride, these girls egos have been obliterated. No let me take that back, most of them think they're fucking princesses! Only in American you can find a slutty prideless princess.... *sigh*

Memphis Steve said...

"Grrl Power" is just PC-speak for "Whores' Rule!"

Lipgloss said...

LOL! You totally cracked me up. You had me at "shit a brick".

Weary Hag said...

"A--- (brickshittin, rap-playin, brain-callin, jet-flyin, red-headed, eskimo-lovin, DNA-testin, testes-rubbin, POW-slappin, cooterbar-buyin, cross-breedin, insomnia-hatin, spud-sackin, mouth-burnin, suicide-thinkin) --- MEN!"

All that and a new picture to boot ... Well hot diggedy dayum.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

perhaps you should right one of those thought books. The little ones people buy for others...

Wait don't people usually put those things in the back of the closet.???

Oh never mind!

Spinning Girl said...

The one funny thing I ever heard Carrot-Top say was the bit about him looking like Wendy (from the hamburger chain). He'd pull his hair into two ponytails and then go up to the drive up window, and all the employees would panic and start looking busy.

Ari said...

Does that mashed potato thing really work?

Suzie said...

I got mooned by Carrot Top a few years ago. It was a glaringly white bottom.

Peter said...

Great stuff Bugs, I'll get serius when I get home in a couple of days.