3/27/2006

Nine bullets, nobody killed

  • A girl recently posted a question on her blog. She wrote, "Why are men such assholes?" I wrote back, "Because women are so forgiving."
  • I really loved that show, Sex and the City. One thing bothered me, though. It was that word they always used -- fabulous. Everybody was fabulous, just fabulous. In fact, each character's quest was achieving fabulousness. Here's the thing. From what I can tell, fabulous translates to "filthy whore." If you ever watch a SATC and you hear the word "fabulous" (and you will!), think "filthy whore." You'll find it's a perfect one-to-one.
  • I'd love to see a gang fight between The Beastie Boys and Run DMC.
  • Remember that Indian on TV who used to cry? When I was a little kid, I'd watch that commercial and think, no wonder you people lost the continent. You're shedding tears over litter? We Europeans burn people on stakes and eat popped corn while their bodies smolder. Heck, the only Indian I'd expect to cry is that one fella in the Village People, and only if they canceled Lifetime. I don't understand. Indians could make a totem pole out of settlers' heads, but a Baby Ruth wrapper makes them cry? Somebody explain this to me.
  • Every Windows computer should come with a "stop-whatever-the-fuck-you're-doing-and-listen-to-me" button.
  • Whenever The Man rips me off (the auto mechanic, the plumber, Uncle Sam, Sirius Satellite Radio, etc.) I exact my revenge by marching down to the local Chinese buffet and eating 17 times the bill in General Tsao's Chicken. I don't care if it takes me 9 hours and a colostomy bag. Somebody's gonna reimburse this honkey.
  • Kids often wonder who would win in a fight: God or Superman. When I was young, I wondered which would win if I ate both at the same time: Pepto-Bismol or Ex-Lax. I guess it would depend on what I ate for lunch. For example, if it were a #13 from Filiberto's, I'd give the nod to the Ex-Lax.
  • Remember when Domino's Pizza promised delivery in 30 minutes or less, or the pizza was free? I used to slash the delivery driver's tires just before I ordered. Then I'd drive home, wait for him to show, and give him a truck-load of grief. "Where the hell have you been? I'm starving. And why are your hands so damn dirty?"
  • Ideas excite. Thought persuades. But observation proves.

48 comments:

Frap Gurl said...

My Observations..on this post..I am First! What Indian is gonna cry about it.. Bring the tears fuckas!

Latigo Flint said...

Nice bullets Bug.

(Ideas may excite. Thought may persuade. Observation may prove. But it's booze that makes it all tolerable.)

Spinning Girl said...

I was always moved by that Indian. I thought he was so noble. Mostly I just wondered how they got the tear so perfect, and figured it was probably water.

The proper adjectived for "whore" is "skanky," and one should only EVER use the word "fabu."

That's all.

SG, out.

"AG" said...

I will NEVER forgive you, but I like assholes.

I always was saddened by the Indian crying and the littered landscape that was once pristine. I'd always stop what I was doing when that commercial came on. I know it's not possible these days to admit sadness without someone slapping a diagnosis on you like "uncool" or "Restless Tear Syndrome," but it still makes me sad.

Let's talk about the Chinese Buffet. I used to find enlightenment in those places until I saw The Truth. Kids picking their nose and sticking their fingers in your chow and much MUCH worse. I've seen it. But I know that also may be considered a flavor enhancer for some.

jules said...

Genius, as usual, Bug's Butt

tornwordo said...

Well, yeah, except for when someone observes a UFO, right?

Almost bust a gut on the crying Indian.

And Bill Gates needs to see your Windows suggestion.

Bennet said...

Actually that old Indian crying was a complete PR move. It turns out the guy was actually Italian...and the tear was fake..no lie.

As for Windows I wish every time it asks me if I'm sure I want to close something that I could quickly reply with:" YES MOTHER-FUCKER!" in computer lingo.

nongirlfriend said...

Ooh, I like the last one. It's FABULOUS.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Forgiving? And here I thought you knew me, LBB...;)

And am I the only person in the universe that did NOT like "Sex in the City"???

I feel like SUCH weirdo....

Attila The Mom said...

Bahahaha. Brilliant!

Just wondering---how did you know which car belonged to the Domino's driver? ;-)

Oh great One said...

I can picture the poor Chinese restaraunt owner is yelling at you. "You been here 9 hours! You go home now!"

Blogarita said...

Iron Eyes Cody was not a real Indian. He only played one on TV.

Blogarita said...

Still doesn't mean he had to be a cry baby.

Elaine said...

FABULOUS post!
...sorry, I couldn't resist....

Lara said...

Hey, I liked that Indian. He was so touching i almost cried along!

:P

It's Me, Maven... said...

Marry Me?

bornfool said...

The Windows comment was dead on. They either need that button or a self-destruct button.

bornfool said...

BTW, I'm a long-time reader de-lurking.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

Do you remember the domino's noid?

I think all monitors should have a sign that says go away I'm blogging!

Melonie said...

"Why are men such assholes?" "Because women are so forgiving." ...observations prove.

Riss said...

I fricken love you LBB, no I really really do. That Indian thing cinches it. Oh and the Chinese buffet thing. I take any and every opportunity to take out my financial aggravations on them.

Riss said...

P.S. - I also am supremely thankful for the fact that though you get a jillion comments on each post, you don't have word verification.

Debi said...

A) Why are men assholes? Because we taught men to be sensitive and then never gave them ass. Some men are catching on, but haven't found the balance yet.
B) Filiberto's - HELL YEAH!

Elaine said...

I have to agree with Riss on the word verification thingy.

HAHAHA ! I brought Debi ^^^ into LBB's world!

gusgreeper said...

i didn't even get past the first one and i have to comment i'll go back and read.

NO SHIT MAN!! you rule for saying that.
man getting it through to my girlfriends who WANT a relationship but are only putting out SEX SEX SEX and saying they only want a casual relationship but are then suddenly emailing me and calling me and complaining because they emailed him or called him and he isn't calling etc...SO i ask WELLLL did you TELL him you were just down with being casual and EVERY FUCKING TIME (which ever g-f) will say yes and i'll say THERE YOU GO. you CAN NOT tell a man you care cool with casual if you really want a relationship idiot. a. they see right through and run or b. they see right through and run or c. they get the casual sex you said YOU wanted cause you are weak. and d. you aren't dating…. you are doing it WHY WOULD HE CALL YOU UNLESS HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU???
please.

Ms. M said...

Dude, the man rips off women worse. It sucks. But the Chinese Buffet thing is a kick ass idea! Wish I could EAT as much as men. DAMN.

SATC got me stuck on using the word 'Fabulous.' I think Samantha was the only one who really abused the word, but now you've got me paranoid! I won't be using it again so I wont' think 'filthy whore' every time I say it.

Edgy Mama said...

But, but, if that button existed, I'd have to pay more attention to my kids and spouse.

No one delivers in 30 minutes or less anymore. Traffic sucks, and the high school students who work there don't care. Even in Asheville, where the Domino's is literally three blocks from my house, they can't deliver in 30 minutes or less.

Cheryl said...

Just fabulous...

Sharon said...

The Church of Bug's Butt. Hallelujah.

Also, General Tso's chicken ROCKS.

Amandarama said...

I'd love to see a gang fight between The Beastie Boys and Run DMC.

I'd love to see a gang fight between Aerosmith and Run DMC. Because hair pulling is funny.

PlatinumGirl said...

LOL . . . some of that hit awfully close to home. And to think, all this time I've been using code to tell people I'm a filthy whore! Who knew?

Peter said...

Hey BB, I've looked everywhere and I can't find that SWTFYDALTM button.

Lyvvie said...

I never did ask the big questions like "Who would win a fight: God or Superman?" because I was far more pre-occupied with

"If I pour vinegar down this ant hole, will they die, or come out and bite me?"

"If I stick this grasshopper onto the car antenna, can he jump away?"

"I'm sure if I can make my legs go fast enough, my rollerskates will make sparks!" (they had metal wheels)

"Which part of Barbie will melt first?" (it was her hair)

"If I stick pennies in the tires of my dad's truck, will they be all smooshed when he comes back home?"

not to mention (but I will) "how high can I climb that tree?" "Will this make me sick if I eat it?" "I wonder what cigarettes taste like?" and "If I squirt out all the shampoo, I'll have huge bubbles in my shower!" (Prell worked best, Pert a close 2nd.)

I love that you are a fellow glutton - Rar!

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

I would pay to have said "button" on my Windows computer!! That's a FABULOUS idea. (HAD TO!)

The Doggy Did It said...

hmmm, i think i love u...:)

Webmiztris said...

yeah, i do that too with the chinese buffet! except I eat all their crab legs instead of General Tsao's. However, I don't do it just when the Man pisses me off...lots of times I do it simply because I'm a little piggy.

The Doggy Did It said...

If DH reads my blog this week I am going to be in trouble for being in love with you...

Oh, and I know you are not gay, just unusual to find a guy that is funny, smart, humble, good looking, and STRAIGHT.

*kisses*

Jam

SugarHigh said...

damnit, you're right, we are too forgiving! note to self, watch men and take notes...become forgiven asshole.

that Indian always made me said and want to hurt the white man. Honestly, I think he was crying because he was the unlucky bastard that pulled the short straw in cleaning up after those party animals. sucks!

i am now craving Filberto's even though I have no idea what #13 is or Filberto's for that matter. Teach me.

Molicious said...

I'm all for eating "all you can eat" at a Chinese buffet. Especially on Friday nights. Our local Chinese place has all you can eat crab legs on Fridays. I swear, those people hate it when I come in there. They just know they're going to lose money on me that night.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, see, the Baby Ruth wrapper is symbolic of a whole lot of bad shit, but doesn't include that asshole Custer.

Dave Morris said...

I have a friend who was a cop and, anytime he felt like writing a ticket, used to sit near a Domino's. He'd just follow the delivery driver until they drove 10 mph over the limit, then nail them. Not only did the driver have to pay the ticket, the pizza was almost always free for the consumer.

He was a mean fucker, that cop.

StringMan said...

I never realized the problem-solving capabilities of the Chinese buffet. I see a new World Order on the Horizon, and it's founded upon General Tsao's chicken. Fabulous!

Nettie said...

Is that a compliment to women?

Greta said...

had to come check out the hot eye candy that doggy did it was talking about...you are a cutie

Blond Girl said...

yeah, I remember when it was free if it was late. Then it went to a 3.00 coupon in the interest of "safety"... I think they cut it in the interest of not having to pay speeding tickets or hiring new pizza delivery guys every 30 minutes.

Ya gotta wonder... do those guys mapquest before they head out?

Jenni said...

You get ripped off by The Man too? God, that guy is such an asshole.

Oh, and RUN DMC would totally win, especially if they had the help of Steven Tyler. That compilation of "Walk This Way" is most probably the bet compilation in the history of compilations. Seriously.

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