3/24/2006

Poor Richard's Almanac don't have shit on bloggers!

Dear Readers: Below is perhaps the finest collection of aphorisms one can find. Read and profit from them. And don't forget to visit the contributors. Their blogs are chock-full of the same wit and wisdom you'll read here.

NWJR
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4841713

• Republicans are people that say "Government Doesn't Work", and then get elected to prove it.

• The amount of work required to complete a project will always expand to fit the deadline.

• Donuts make your pants shrink.

...There must be a LOT of Republicans working at the DMV!
...How true! And expenses expand to the limits of a budget.
...Again, how true. Donuts are pharmaceutical-grade fat pills.


AG
http://www.blogger.com/profile/5229040

Long awaited important phone calls will come at the exact minute you decide to finally "go."

...That's why the phone always rings when you're on the crapper.


Marissa
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4332449

If you never try, you'll never fail; but if you never try, you'll never succeed, either. Try and fail; try again, fail better.

...I believe this is the Democrats' motto for national elections.


NuggetMaven
http://www.blogger.com/profile/5816413

1. If anything will go wrong, it will, at the worst possible moment. WITH AN AUDIENCE.

2. Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

3. If in doubt, blow jobs will ALWAYS get a woman out of a jam.

4. "Plumber's Crack" is directly proportional to the final bill. The more buttcrack showin', the more the bill will be.

5. In commerce or love, window shopping is free, it's only when you put things on lay away that you get in trouble.

6. Always say thank you.

7. Always compliment the cook.

8. Always wash your face and ass (in that order), and wear clean undies (you never know who'll see them).

9. Never laugh when your lover disrobes, even if you're thinking of something else. You'll either get in the doghouse for laughing at them, or if you admit it wasn't your lover you were laughing at, you'll be in the doghouse for not being in the moment.

10. Always eat the best you can, even if it's a PB&J or a tuna sandwich.

...My, NuggetMaven. You could rival Lord Chesterfield with such a collection of pithy wisdom! Regarding #1: What is it about an audience that makes one's fly zip open?


Esereth
http://www.blogger.com/profile/13002915

What we call 'freedom' is usually just 'lack of opposition.'

...Indeed, I'm always free to leave parties. Nobody opposes the idea!

Kathi
http://www.blogger.com/profile/10916178

You can only give real love, respect and honor to others when you have the same for yourself.

...I've told my penis that a million times.

Julie
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4077075

I'd like to have a law that I get a house boy who wears a suit like Superman w/ a big H on his chest complete w/ a cape and just appears when I call him and disappears the rest of the time and caters to my EVERY need.

...I've sent you an application. Do you do criminal background checks or drug testing? If so, please disregard.


Junebugg
http://www.blogger.com/profile/2898710

Anything in life that brings you actual physical joy has to be either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

...You must have been raised Catholic, Junebugg.


Stringman
http://www.blogger.com/profile/13891266

He who smelt it, dealt it

...I've found this to be true. I'm usually the "dealer" after a #5 combo from Filiberto's.


Phlegmfatale
http://www.blogger.com/profile/869663

Anything's possible with enough lubrication.

...Indeed. But just because it's possible doesn't mean you should do it.


Peter
http://www.blogger.com/profile/8066984

Too soon we get old, Too late we get smart.

...Too BAD this is true.


Snooze
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4331632

I like the saying, "It's only kinky the first time you do it"

...Blogging is a glaring exception. It only gets hotter with repetition.


Tornwordo
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4551678

• Only about 10% of the time when you think/say, "That sounds like fun" will it actually turn out to be fun.

• The best answer to the question, "Can I ask you a question" is usually, "No."

...So, so true. Disneyland is the best example of this law.
...I know. Especially if the follow-up question is "Have you gained weight?"



Non-Girlfriend
http://www.blogger.com/profile/2681786

Your eyes will deceive you, your heart will often send you down the wrong road, but your gut never betrays you. If you feel in your gut something isn't quite right, it isn't.

...Have you been taking profundity pills, NGF? Because that's the deepest and truest so far. Incidentally, I find one's own genitalia to be spot-on accurate, too.


Keda
http://www.blogger.com/profile/18663467

• no matter how early i get up, if the appointments before 11am, i will always be 1hr late, so i might as well stay in bed as long as i want.

• your children will always need to use the toilet as soon as you get in the taxi even if they've just been.

• no there is not time to just check your email quickly.

• no matter what any man might say whilst trying to sound enlightened, uncomfortable but gorgeous shoes do turn him on..... and thats ok with me.

...Regarding the last: You see right through us, Keda! Also: thongs.


Poopie
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4793591

Poopie's piss law: When drinkin' beer, once the bladder is primed with the first four, each subsequent beer must be followed by a trip to the bathroom to make room for the next.

...I believe Bernoulli demonstrated this back in the 18th century.


Webmiztris
http://www.blogger.com/profile/2792789

Just as soon as you finally buy that trendy piece of clothing that you wanted, it's listed the next month as a 'Don't' in every magazine!

...Hold on to them, Miztris. They'll make a comeback on VH1 in 20 years!


Trinette
http://www.blogger.com/profile/16693240

The final words of an idiot are most often: "Hey, watch this!"

...I shouted that very thing when I began blogging.


Mom of Three
http://www.blogger.com/profile/14158192

• No matter how enlightened a parent you might posit to be, if a kid hits your kid, your first reaction will be that the other kid is a little shite. If your kid hits another kid, your first reaction will be that the other kid must have done something to provoke it.

• Bank charges are a tax on the poor. If you're rich, you don't overdraw that checking account to keep the lights on, do ya?

• People who still believe that the government cares about them are like women who take the man back after he beats her, just because he brings flowers.

• My retired USMC husband says that all gas-guzzling vehicles might just as well have a sticker on the gas cap that says "Powered by a dead soldier."

...So true
...Same with most fees! How many RICH people fret over a traffic ticket, for example?
...This should be in high school government textbooks EVERYWHERE!
...Your husband is a wise man. I hope you're blowing him regularly. "Powered by Cosmo."



CacaBoy
http://www.blogger.com/profile/6199605

1. That which doesn't kill you only makes you meaner.

2. When times of trouble are upon you, blame the next youngest sibling.

3. If a bear poops in the woods, some how, some way I WILL step in it.

4. If at first it won't go in, make sure it's the entrance you are trying to use, not the exit!

5. Never attach emotions or feelings to a discussion about an ex, unless your trying to add to your list of ex's!

...Regarding #4: Where were you on my wedding night, CacaBoy?


Frap Gurl
http://www.blogger.com/profile/16811692

If you've failed at everything don't go skydiving!

You can NEVER change anyone!

If you call your mother-in-law the "C" word.. you will soon be divorced!

...Perhaps skydiving is the very thing you should do, if you're a chronic failure!
...Tell that to a transvestite. You'll get a purse upside your head.
...Still, sometimes it needs to happen.

As Always, Rachel
http://www.blogger.com/profile/8692999

Alcohol makes funerals more fun.

...It also increases the estimate one places on one's odds to win a bar fight, often with dire results.


Spinning Girl
http://www.blogger.com/profile/10417087

The elasticity of the waistband is inversely proportional to the size of the meal.

...I recently proved this law at a Chinese buffet.


Atilla the Mom
http://www.blogger.com/profile/17770315

Every time you order a multi-disk series from Netflix, Disk 1 will suddenly become "long wait" and they'll send you Disk 2 first. So you either have to hang on to the damn thing until 1 becomes available or watch it out of order and wonder "WTF did I miss"?

...Corollary: the more enthralling the scene, the more likely the disk to have a fingerprint smudge.


Dave Morris
http://www.blogger.com/profile/5550505

Always drink upstream from the herd.

...And never piss on a fuse box!


Lyvvie
http://www.blogger.com/profile/6225643

• You can't fix broken people - they have to do that for themselves.

• People are tempted by either sugar, or alcohol. Thin people are a gamble, fat people are easy.

• and finally (As I type more come to mind): Never buy a car you couldn't have sex in comfortably.

...True, but you can have a blast manipulating them.
...I knew we were underestimating the value of fat girls.
...How nice to be YOUR car salesman! You redefine "test-drive."


Ari
http://www.blogger.com/profile/3734964

1. Sometimes, there's nothing for it but another vodka cherry sour.

2. Adults and children behave in exactly the same ways. Just watch awhile. You'll see.

3. Fuck y'all, we're from Texas. ;)

...Only sometimes?
...I can't wait, then, to read my little girl's blog!
...That's it. I'm moving to Texas. So many cool bloggers hail from Texas.


Elaine
http://www.blogger.com/profile/15750598

1. The stupider the person, the louder they are.

2. Anything fried in bacon grease is a sure winner.

3. you can sitll raed tihs as lnog as the frist and lsat lttres are rghit.

...Or, perhaps, the MORE THEY TYPE!
...Bacon grease does just fine all by itself.
...After two martinis, those letters reassemble themselves into satanic messages.


Candace
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4907371

The waitress will always wait until you've just put food in your mouth to come up and ask how you're enjoying your meal.

The instant you sit on the toilet, your services will be urgently required by 1 or more children.

You can't deep fry an ice cube.

...OMG, I've often said that. Bravisimo!
...Corollary: The minute you rip a fart, your family will come walking into the room.
...You haven't been to Louisiana, Candace


PBS
http://www.blogger.com/profile/11300868

My law is a simple one, taken from an old zen story, "everything changes."

...I've always believe in the adage, everything stays the same, except the frequency of blowjobs after marriage.


Becky
http://www.blogger.com/profile/7498475

Procrastination is like masturbation, it's all fun and good until you realized you've just fucked yourself!

...That never stopped me.


Oh Great One
http://www.blogger.com/profile/6187341

Speaking louder doesn't make you right.

...Somebody please tell Bill O'Reilly this!


Monkey Pot Pie
http://www.blogger.com/profile/7820282

I have only one law... Karma. What comes around goes around, so don't be an asshole.

...This one I can only wish were true!


Edgy Mama
http://www.blogger.com/profile/6486262

Read LBB daily.

...You are the wisest blogger known to me, Mama.


PlatinumGirl
http://www.blogger.com/profile/6210078

Here's one my husband likes to use: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone has one, and no one wants to hear yours!

...Your husband's law doesn't hold in the blogworld. But outside of that, it's fine counsel.


The Doggy Did It
http://www.blogger.com/profile/17822947

Hmm, thou shalt not read blog of smartass guy who is way smarter and funnier than me, lest I develop a complex.

...You run no risk of that here, Doggy.

Amandarama
http://www.blogger.com/profile/2197703

Beer does not make you more handsome; it just makes you fat and less likely to care. Now, whiskey, on the other hand...

...So what gives with all those thin, sexy models drinking beer in the commercials? Are you claiming that's a misrepresentation?


Bennet
http://www.blogger.com/profile/4879765

Spammer companies should be allowed to recieve death threats to their family on an hourly basis...If a person who works for a spammer company decides to kill himself, the law should allow any assistance needed to complete his or her death quickly with no problems.

...Bennet, I'm nominating you for US Senator. We need more thinking like this!


Memphis Steve
http://www.blogger.com/profile/3473182

The bigger the lie the more power it has, the more support it enjoys from the media and academics, the more funding Congress will give it, the longer it will live, the more "everybody knows" it.

...My word! That one is heavy. I really, really like that one. Man-made global warming comes to mind!

32 comments:

"AG" said...

Very nice compilation. I like your comments, too, L Bug.

kathi said...

This was great! I'm partial to Ari. :)
I'm going to enjoy checking a lot of these bloggers out, thanks for doing this. And you, friend, will be seeing me daily.

Spinning Girl said...

We all sound so smart & witty when we set our minds to it!

StringMan said...

Bravisimo, Bugg. That was certainly a lot of work to put together, but it came out brilliantly. Some great stuff, including your own comments.

As always... Rachael said...

Your comments are great! Thanks for making us all stars!

tornwordo said...

You're such a great guy, to assemble all those with the links and add your two cents (very funny stuff) Thanks LBB!

Attila The Mom said...

Great collection! Thanks for putting it together!

nongirlfriend said...

Yea! Thanks for putting this together.

A lot of astute people in this collection. Myself excluded. I'm just hanging around, hoping some of it will rub off on me.

NWJR said...

Those bloggers are a wise bunch.

poopie said...

Are we not the wisest bunch of fools in the universe :) Thanks LBB...that was fun.

Snooze said...

What a lot of work you put into this! I've been enjoying the list and your comments.

Edgy Mama said...

Wow, LBB, you have some remarkable commenters--almost as dirty-minded as mine motley crew.

Guess I could have been pithier. Or wittier. But, as you note, I'm always wise.

Oh great One said...

What a terrific list! Thanks LBB!

Pirate said...

Remember the woman are in charge. They control 60% of all the purse strings and 100% of the pussy.

My other favorite is the difference between slut and whore.

A whore is a woman that will sleep with you and all your friends. A slut is a woman that will sleep with all your friends and not you.

Peter said...

A grand finale BB, lots of work for you but a worthwhile result.

CaCaBoy said...

Thanks for the love, man!

The Doggy Did It said...

Wow, I feel so important...Yet still not intelligent.


;p~


Jam

Nettie said...

Who wants to make me rich so I can answer that traffic ticket question...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

My goodness, Bug. How long you been saving up?

Lyvvie said...

Top notch - what a lot of cut and paste! Well done.

I particularly loved the comments back.

Jill said...

Nice job! The human mind never ceases to amaze me. Thanks LBB for the turn on ;)

Peace
Jill

http://jitter.fourpointmoms.com/

Becky said...

Words of wisdom! 8-)

Webmiztris said...

whoa! great list!

SugarHigh said...

wow! i feel so enlightened now. :)

Carrie said...

i like Peter's the best!

it's so true.

Video X said...

"If in doubt, blow jobs will ALWAYS get a woman out of a jam.

yup. i totally believe that.

Frap Gurl said...

Nice LBB... And Bill O'Reilly is such a tard!

Memphis Steve said...

As deep and spiritual as I was, now I wish I had been more of a smartass.

Smartasses have more fun and get more pussy.

Molicious said...

Those were all great, Bug. Thanks for getting them out there. :o)

Riss said...

Awesome laws!!

I only have one. That which does not kill you will only make you drink more :P

Toni said...

Wow, that was some truly brilliant shit from those writers! Your readers kick ass, bug. It's too bad that I didn't get to submit one. I didn't get to read your post until it was too late.

Amandarama said...

Cool! What a great list!