3/10/2006

Random tidbits of Musingessence

  • Awhile ago, laptops exceeded desktop computer sales. When did computing become so important that we needed to make it portable? "Oh my God! I can't wait until I get home to update my resume in Word. Plus, I have to Photoshop a pecker into my buddy's mouth on this picture and then email it to all our friends. I hope Starbucks has a hotspot."
  • I think this would make a great slogan for a beer commercial: "Grab a 12-pack of (insert name brand here), because reality is always going to suck."
  • I'll never understand the passion for gardening. "You know, I just don't get enough yard work in pulling weeds, mowing grass and raking leaves. I need 200 square feet of delicate, needy plant life prone to the ills of drought, aphids, gophers and dog urine. That'll keep me busy."
  • I'm glad to know there's a pill out there to cure impotence. Now, how about inventing a pill that makes girls want to sleep with you in the first place?
  • Every time NASA launches a space shuttle, something falls off. This time it's a heat shield. Last time it was an O-ring. A couple missions ago, the Polish astronaut left his I-Pod on the dashboard and it fell out the window during stage-two firing. Some shit's always falling off the space shuttle. What the hell do they make space shuttles out of – Jenga cubes? A Mr. Potato Head has more structural integrity than a space shuttle. Maybe Mr. Potato Head should be an astronaut. We can send him up in a Mexican food cart. One small step for man, one giant set of lips and a goofy moustache for mankind.
  • Have you ever wondered whether a guy wearing a hat is bald? Do what I do. Stand next to him and recite the Pledge of Allegiance. If he doesn't remove his hat, stab him because he's a communist (disclaimer: don't actually stab him).
  • The essence of humor, in all of its forms, is to identify folly.
  • Good news: a federal appeals court has found that due to the Separation of Church and State, people who believe in God no longer have to pay income taxes.
  • Some people are really getting into body piercing. What I wonder is, if they tire of the fad and remove the hardware, will they whistle when they stand in the wind? I once knew a girl with so many vaginal piercings that, given a strong breeze and adequate musical training, one could play When the Saints Go Marching In on her cooter in A-flat Major.
  • I think "population control" would make a good euphemism for getting kicked in the junk. Speaking of which, I think we need to apply affirmative action to genital trauma in the movies. From now on, every time a guy takes a blow to the crotch, a woman gets a kick in the cooch. Fair is fair. I know I'd laugh my ass off at that, especially if the person got his/her foot caught in the gash. They'd have to hop around on one foot until the paramedics arrived with a shoehorn.

38 comments:

Margie the Pickle Princess said...

Man, that's some funny stuff! Good job!

Margie the Pickle Princess said...

BTW, sorry my comment wasn't witty and shit. I've got alot going on right now. I can't be on my game ALL the time! So get off my back, dammit!

Heidi said...

Stopped by via Dave...You are fucking hilarious. I will visit often!

nongirlfriend said...

They have that pill already. It's called a ruffie.

Snooze said...

I was thinking the same as nongirlfriend - rohypnol is pretty good for getting a girl in the mood, and you don't even need to worry about satisfying her.

George Larson said...

JAJAJA!

Like we normally worry about satisfying her.

You are such a girl.

carrieparker said...

Bloody hell, I nearly peed myself laughing!

NWJR said...

Mr. Butt, I can't believe Bill Maher beat you to the punch. Last night on his show, he had the single best Brokeback Mountain line EVER (while discussing its Oscar results):

"If Brokeback Mountain taught us anything, it's that it's OK to come in Number Two."

Thoughty you'd like to know.

nongirlfriend said...

Ha Snooze, great minds think alike!

Amandarama said...

There is a pill that makes girls want to sleep with others: Ecstasy. Enough of that and they'll rub up on and dry hump just about everything while telling them that that they love them.

Rave music, strobe lighting and candy suckers not included.

Oh great One said...

As always top notch. Can I be president of your fan club?

Junebugg said...

Damn, all of these are true! Do you have a research assistant or do you think of all this shit by yourself.
BTW-if the assistant job is open, I want to apply.

Edgy Mama said...

Yes, what pill would make girls want to sleep with you? Can you imagine the reaction of the religious right if there were such a pill? That would make it worth it right there.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

None of this is going to happen except for the part about Tinker Toys.

CaCaBoy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
CaCaBoy said...

Apparently someone already said what I said. I'm such a tool.....

But I'm really glad I won't be paying taxes anymore!

Smitty said...

A "sleep with me pill" requires planning. It's so much easier to sneak up from behind with an ether cloth.

jules said...

If Bug's Butt quits smoking crack will his posts be as funny?

Frap Gurl said...

HEYYYYY, I took my 4 facial piercings out! Left me with a cool looking dimple though!!!!!!!!! I have had a billion fuckers fall n love with me over that dimple!!

tornwordo said...

I absolutely love the beer commercial. And laughed appreciatively so. Great stuff once again.

Peter said...

I definitly share your non-passion for gardening Bugs. (that's not garden bugs by the way)

Fuckkit said...

Some of that imagery will remain with me all day. Especially the last one.

Elaine said...

HEY! The sole reason that i got this laptop IS to photoshop peckers into my friend's pictures while I'm showering... sheesh! Way to poo poo on my hobby LBB.

:D

Nettie said...

I suck at Jenga.

As always... Rachael said...

That last one killed me! Is the woman getting kicked naked... or is the man Chuck Norris?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Friggin' excellent! I SO needed the laugh this morning! :)

The Doggy Did It said...

"(disclaimer: don't actually stab him)."

Damn...I got all excited!


Jam

Becky said...

I don't have to pay taxes!

SugarHigh said...

Speaking of Jenga, you ever played the drinking Jenga game? Something about writing embarassing things on the jenga thingies and then having to do them when the shit topples. I can't remember it all but i do remember having to crawl to the bathroom a lot as punishment. ahhh, memories.

i used to have my nose pierced, but haven't mastered the art of whistling out of the hole yet. I can hoot like a morning dove with my tongue though.

Lyvvie said...

What's with all the pill popping?? What ever happened to a good old fashioned bottle of wine? Couple shots of moonshine? I mean, when did getting "beer-goggles" have to come in illegal pocket-sized forms?

I actually ask "Are you really bald under there?" and that goes for hairstyles that may be a dodgy toupee (aside - why does no one ever tell Donald Trump his hair is fucking diabolical?!?! with all that money, he could get himself a decent transplant.), as I hardly see menfolks wearing hats. But isn't it fashionable to be a slaphead now? I mean, Jean-Luc Picard made bald sexy. Makes me think "Curly" Howard could've been happier being Curly in the "Naughties", where bald *is* beautiful.

I wonder if anyone ever pitched the "shoehorn" story for Bugs Bunny - but then who'd he twat?

Blonde Bitch said...

Those are great LBB! I needed a good laugh after my Monday. Keep it up, I have to come to your blog for humor since every commenter on mine is fighting with one another.

Webmiztris said...

lol, a shoehorn...damn, you're bad!

Riss said...

You really are my favorite blogger.

Incidentally, they do make that pill. Except it's in liquid form and called "tequila."

Weary Hag said...

And the best part about sending Mr. Potato Head up in the shuttle would be that if the heat shields failed, the worst that would happen is he'd come back baked. Not such a bad deal. They could call the ship "Spudnik" ... no?

Nice tidbits ... I smell another book in the making.

Dave Morris said...

I believe you are making a concerted effort to use the word "cooter" in each of your posts.

And I APPLAUD your valiant effort, kind sir! Carry on... do it on behalf of cooters everywhere.

In honor, a little song I've written:

Oh... (pitch pipe)... cooters, cooters, cooters, cooters, coo-coo-cah-chooters.

Cooters, cooters, cooters, cooters...

Coo-coo-coo-coo-coo... (sample synth solo) c-c-c-c-c-coooo...

Cooooooooooteeerrrrrsssss!

(this flows much better when you can hear the accompaniment.)

Ari said...

I think the use of the word "cooter" is up 217% in your blog of late.

And I JUST scrolled up to see Dave's identical thought, honest.

Spinning Girl said...

Bravo yet again.
Now I must go dig out my Potato Head family (Mr., Mrs., and all their evil brood) and see if I can play "Flight of the Bumblebee" on THEM after I remove all their acoutrements.

"AG" said...

Eh, why haven't I stopped by your blog sooner? Good stuff...