3/09/2006

Sirius(-ly Sucks) Radio, part 3

Sirius still sucks, seriously. Yesterday I sent them a hotlink to my blog. Today they requested I photocopy the back of my radio and mail it to them, whereupon they'll send me my rebate check. Well, I've photocopied the back of something, alright. And it's in the mail, Sirius, along with a suggestion on where to kiss it!

Did you know Sirius has a Gay and Lesbian station? There's nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but you've got to be one committed homosexual to listen to a radio station dedicated to your sexual orientation! Most people listen to a station because it plays music they enjoy – not because there's a glory hole in the studio console.

Hold up. Don't call the ACLU yet. I'm not claiming gays are bad people. I love them -- especially that one fella, Ellen DeGeneres. Wonderful sense of humor! I love gays and stuff. In fact, I always root for the gay guy in the movie to win the fight. Follow me on this. Usually in the movies, the jerk antagonist gets a kick in the crotch or some kind of genital trauma. It's standard fare. (Attention actors: if you take a role as a bad guy in a movie, you'd better wear a cup to the shoot because your bulge is a bull's eye.) Anyway, wouldn't you like to see a gay anally assault the bad guy after kicking his ass instead? A kick to the groin doesn't teach you a lesson. But a good anal raping will learn ya.

Sirius streams its broadcasts over the Internet. If you have a computer and a hearing deficit, you can enjoy the streaming broadcast from your computer. The problem is, Sirius' streaming technology makes the Chia Pet look like a Pentium. It sucks. How badly? Do you remember signing onto AOL back in 1997 with your 14.4k modem? You know, back when it took a minute and a half for a naked lady image to scroll from her chin to her boobs (I used to make a sandwich. By the time I got back, the pic transmitted down to mid-bush or so). Anyway, that's what Sirius is like. They pipe that crap out at 34k per second. I've had bowel movements with more bandwidth! The first time I logged on, I thought 50-Cent was rappin' through a Puerto Rican girl's cooter. As it turns out, it was just Sirius crappy steaming.

Random Sirius trivia: Rumor has it, if you reverse the polarity on a Sirius radio, you can pick up the mutterings of Nazi soldiers' souls.

In sum, Sirius still sucks.

Go XM!

35 comments:

Spinning Girl said...

You are a freaking riot.
Wish I could improve on this somehow with my wisdom, but I can't. I'm laughing from my mouth to my glory hole.

tornwordo said...

Very funny as usual. I can't understand what a gay/lesbian station would sound like. Is it half Judy Garland and half Melissa Ethridge?

PBS said...

I'm curious about that gay station too. What sort of music do they play Barbara Streisand? I think you're reaching your goal of negative marketing for Sirius. Nobody who's read your postings would want it.

Lyvvie said...

I love a good rant, and you are great at them - a Master I'd say. But, I'm a wee bit confused about this...You bought a special radio that only picks up a certain station and you don't like all the content on that station?

We have something called DAB radio, which picks up satellite stations as well as regular ones, and although the radios cost a bit more, you get lots more than just the one station.

This totally smells of poop. Do you have a TV show that exposed scam businesses?? We have Watchdog
And this is the kind of thing they're keen to exploit.

Can I get a copy of the Something too?

Nölff said...

I got the XM. I fuond the Oppie and Anthony show. Have you heard that yet?

Lara said...

I hear that obsessive-compulsive disorders can sometimes be treated.

Good luck.

Smartypants said...

OK, OK. I'll get Sirius. Oops! I mean XM.

kari said...

So...you don't like Sirius?

NWJR said...

Lara: That's funny as hell.

Mr. Butt: This line, "I've had bowel movements with more bandwidth!" is sheer brilliance. It's stuff like that that keeps me coming back in spite of myself.

Oh great One said...

You are the king! All hail LBB!

Becky said...

I like listening to the gay station and just laughing....

Molicious said...

"I thought 50-Cent was rappin' through a Puerto Rican girl's cooter."

-- Hahahaha! Holy shit that was funny.

Molicious said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Laurie said...

Puerto Rican girl's cooter? Lordy, lordy...I siriusly laughed OUT fucking loud on that.

LaunderLust said...

Anything with a glory hole is worth a visit.

Chris said...

Dude you are funny. And I totally sympathize with you. If this happened to me with Sirius I would be pissed off too. I have listened to XM as well, and I liked them as well. I only got Sirius mostly for the Raw Dog channel.

At the risk of being totally bashed by you and others reading this post I will say I have Sirius and I like it. I don't tune to the gay channel, just like I tune to the gay shows that are on standard TV. But I do completely get your point.

I am the one person who got a receiver for xmas, sent in all the stuff, and actually got my rebate with no hassel, or holdup.

I never listen to Sirius on the net, I have tried and your right, it sucks. But then again, that isn't why I got it.

I know alot of other people are having a hard time with the rebate thing, and I have had rebate troubles with other companies as well. Rebates suck, period. I hate them, everyone I know hates them. Good luck to you on getting something out of it. If I were in your position I would file a complaint as well. And I would most definitely switch to XM, immediately.

-Chris

kellywalters said...

I would have to agree wholeheartedly with you

gusgreeper said...

come listen to ME tonight on shitty blog radio and all of this will float away.....

nongirlfriend said...

I hope to God they send you that fifty bucks soon.

Memphis Steve said...

I like your idea about gay heroes in the movies. Every post I have made complaining about so-called heroes sexually assaulting the bad guys has gotten me attacked. And my post about that little article mentioning the wild concept of men having rights, of which I took no position, did likewise. Maybe I'll just shut down my blog and hang out here from now on? No one seems to be attacking you for saying the same stuff. Anyway, I seem to recall Disney via Miramax using anal rape in some of their movies. Didn't Samuel Jackson take it up the poop shoot so the execs at Disney could masturbate to one of their own films? I'm pretty sure he did. Funny how no one said that was racist.

The Doggy Did It said...

OMG, that was soo funny, where have you been all my life baby, Hysterical!


I am loving it, funny funny stuff!

Cooter...heh

Jam

CaCaBoy said...

A moment of silence for the Nazi souls......

I hope they are being anally raped for all enternity!

blogagog said...

What's funny about the gay and lesbian station is that they advertise it on 'the patriot' and 'talk right'. I mean, there are a few, but that's pretty poor marketing imo.

Amandarama said...

Well, it's not like they didn't say you couldn't soak the copy of the back of the unit in your own shit and piss before you send it to them.

Just saying...

Webmiztris said...

dude, what can I even comment? every fucking sentence you have up there is hysterical!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

So, what kind of sandwich was it?

I'm kinda hungry...can you tell?

;)

Video X said...

a minute and a half? i geuss i wasnt into porn in 1997. it wasn't really until a couple years ago...when i turned 30 (aka much more relaxed)...that i finally got into the porn.

Carrie said...

I'd listen to the gay and lesbian station because common radio sucks and it's better than the no sex I get now....or is it?

poopie said...

Okay, I'm wondering what the gay and lesbian station plays. Is it all Melissa Etheridge????

SugarHigh said...

i wish there was a LBB station. i'd listen all day long. You are one funny muther trucker. awesome post. i love that you sent them a picture of your ass instead. you are seriously brilliant.

Sharon said...

Yes, I want an LBB station too. Seriously dedicated to laughing my butt off.

You're so funny!

Carrie said...

yes dongs.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You know they're not going to pay attention, so you might as well get the rebate.

Blog ho said...

I have a major crush on Ellen DeGeneres

Weary Hag said...

AOL in '97.

That's the kind of nostalgia I like to keep stored in the same place where I keep "being all happy and giddy about getting my very first period."

Let's just try to forget alllll about that stuff ... k?