3/30/2006

Taste my time, bitch

Today I went to WalMart and bought myself a sweet-ass Casio G-Shock watch. Try to keep your envy in check, because this is one sweet-ass sweet piece of Morris Day and the Time. WalMart charged me a mere $82. That's a good $15 under retail. How is this possible? Because they pass along Payroll's healthcare savings on to me, the customer. I don't give a damn whether a schmuck in a smock has health insurance for his kids as long as I have a few extra bucks to eat at McDonald's after shopping. I'm the customer. I don't care how they slaughter the pigs as long as I get a cheap pork chop.

Anyway, I bought the G-Shock because it's shock-resistant, atomically synchronized and solar- powered. These are all important features in a watch. First, consider the G-Shock's durability. You never know when you'll need a watch that can pull 22 G's. For example, let's say I get into another gang fight. I want to pop Senor Julio Hubcap Wife-Beater in his shaven head without inhibition. I don't want to worry about breaking my watch off on his gold-capped tooth or in his ass. Wearing a G-Shock, I can pass out the knuckle sandwiches with conviction. And because my G-Shock is atomically synchronized, I'll time-stamp the precise time into Julio's forehead so he knows exactly when he got bitch-slapped. And just before I bitch-slap him, I'll say something really cool like "At the sound of the slap, it will be time to run home like a punk and drink a 40." I'll also use the stopwatch feature to time how long it takes for the laughter to stop. Most people don't realize that gangbangers have great senses of humor.

As the photo depicts, my G-Shock has a rugged, manly look that tempts the ladies. Nothing says "class" like a moderately priced digital watch about the size of a hockey puck Velcro-ed to your wrist. My wife will love the countdown timer on my G-Shock. I will, too. I'll set it to 3-minutes so when the alarm goes off, I'll know to dispense with the foreplay and get to the main course. The best lovers hold to a rigid time schedule and itinerary. With love-making, it's all about efficiency.

Get this. My G-Shock is solar-powered. That means alternative energy. Don't tell me I'm not caring for the environment. In 6 years, when other watch owners are agonizing over a dime-sized battery making its way to the dump, I'll be smugly boasting my eco-friendly timepiece. Plus I'll save $3.99. That's another meal at McD's!

Interesting story: the girl behind the counter was trying to up-sell me to an "eco-drive" watch. According to her, the watch gets it's power from the movement of your hand. She explained that initially I'd have to move my wrist around deliberately until it gets an initial charge. I told her that I'd probably just slap that baby on my wrist and jerk off for 5 minutes or so. Kill two birds. Strangely, the sales girl suddenly remembered it was her break time and called an effeminate clerk named Antwon for relief. Wrap me up one of those G-Shocks, Twon.

Speaking of time: I've been wondering about this. See if you can help me figure this out.
Alright. Imagine that a supernatural force stops the motion of the entire universe. Atoms and molecules seize. Radiation and energy freeze. Planets halt their orbits. Galaxies cease spinning. Michael J. Fox stops trembling and Ted Turner's lips remain pressed together. The entire universe is now motionless. Question: does time still exist? If so, how can you perceive it? How would you measure it?




Answer: My Casio G-Shock watch, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeyooooooooooooch!

51 comments:

"AG" said...

"I told her that I'd probably just slap that baby on my wrist and jerk off for 5 minutes or so."

I can't read your blog while drinking coffee unless I don't mind wet keyboard.

By the way I have a self-winding watch, the same one I've had since 1985. :)

tornwordo said...

Good punch at the end, dude.

What do you need a watch for anyway. Married to time are we? No clock function on the cell?

82 bucks! You're kidding me right? That's the vanity price right?

Frap Gurl said...

I just had to send my son's Fossil watch back to get repaired ... tried a jewelry store here..and they couldn't fix it! At least there is a lifetime warranty on the beotches.. Has to make a pimp look like a pimp...

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

First... LOVE the "kill two birds" story. hahaha

Second... I shouldn't be laughing this hard before 6am!!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Good choice! See, if you would've bought that "eco-drive" watch, you would've had to make sure it was not only shock proof but semen proof too....for when you...um...."wind" it.

You're one smart shopper, LBB...;)

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

"atomically synchronized" is a great option.

It's good when all your atoms are in sync.

Bennet said...

hmmmmmmmmmm...

If all those things stop moving how would I measure time?

I'd sniff the fridge, or some part of my body... Best accurate representation of the passing time that I know.

Smartypants said...

But can it give you your heartrate like my Nike runners watch? Because, for some reason, that shit fascinates me.

bornfool said...

"Eco-Drive" - Didn't they use to call that self-winding?

Monkeypotpie said...

I just bought the Casio G-String Watch. Now everyone knows when it's time to lick my balls.

NWJR said...

"The best lovers hold to a rigid time schedule and itinerary."

Heh, heh. He said "rigid". Heh, heh.

jules said...

So will the G Shock watch help you hit Mrs. Bug's G spot better? Or are ya gonna use it to time her orgasms?

Dave Morris said...

Bug, I own this exact watch. I collect watches, I have a good selection of Citizens and a couple of Breitlings - but perhaps my favorite watch is the G-Shock. I got it for Christmas a year ago, and I freakin' love it, especially how it sets itself to the atomic clock in Colorado.

Greta said...

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA if i was the sales girl i would have asked if i could watch...

PBS said...

A useful watch.

Shannon said...

LOL @ Great... cool watch *Jealous Look* I need a watch myself.

Shannon said...

Greta* even =/

wendi said...

ohhhhhh...you found my g-schpock

Becky said...

LMAO, you are too fucking funny! That's a hell of a watch!

Debi said...

Nice lesson on the space/time continuum. I'm gonna run over to Stephen Hawking's right now... time me.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

Oh your one of those people!
I used to sell watches and I can remember people like you!
:)

Video X said...

i am in total awe. i can't tell you the respect i have for you. anyone who can write all that...with that much excitement...about a watch must be one of the coolest people ALIIIIIIIIIIVE. i'm serious. i want a damn casio g-shock watch now.

Avatar said...

//atomically synchronized//

At first, I thought that said "anatomically synchronized". Anyway, what in the Sam Hill does that mean?

Ms. M said...

I think you should have gotten the eco-watch. Think of all the wang spankin you could do to keep it charged!

Memphis Steve said...

I got me a awesome WalMart wristwatch, too! It ain't a bitchin' G-Shock though. It's just a regular Armitron, which means when I'm bitch-slapping that gangbanger pussy and my watch flies apart and sticks cheap-assed Chinese parts in his bloodshot eyes I don't give a damn, 'cause I'll just go buy another one courtesy of communist Chinese forced abortion, everyone's a workerbee, pay you no fucking wages peasant, slave labor. Yeah baby, that's the only way to go - a watch so cheap you don't mind losing it inside Paco's bunghole when you're reaching up and squeezing his kidneys from the inside 'cause he scratched your ride and didn't say he's sorry.

Edgy Mama said...

O, you pretend to be such a bad boy, don't you?

NWJR said...

I just noticed that this fine timepiece displays the YEAR.

Do you really need a watch to tell you what YEAR it is? OK, I can go for the AM/PM thing. You might be in Alaska experiencing 23 hours of sunlight and get confused or something.

But the YEAR? Dude, if someone needs a watch for that...well, they've got issues I can't begin to comprehend.

nongirlfriend said...

Don't you just love fucking with Wal-Mart employees?

J's Mommy said...

I found your blog checking out "the grass aint greener." funny stuff!

Blonde Bitch said...

My husband beat the hell out of his gshock watch and it still keeps going and going, but since he is such a watch nut he has moved onto Suunto, unfortunately costs about 3 times as much and does the same damn things. LOL

Pirate said...

You're mean of bastard bug and that's why I love you so. I like to go to Walmart and speak in a vocabulary slightly higher then the third grade just to impress them.

phlegmfatale said...

Wow - your wife is so blessed to have you. What a thoughtful, considerate lothario (rhymes with your watch, dunnit - ever the romantic, you are!) you must be in the sack! No 8 seconds for you- 3 full minutes of foreplay. Dude-- you ROCK!

KB said...

Listen--I know I've been absent for a while now, but there's nothing better than coming to your site to see that you are STILL the funniest mother fucker I've encountered!

I laugh until I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I sort of got into the habit of reading your posts to my mother over the phone--GAWD forbid she use the internet--now it seems that she only calls to hear what you've written. What the hell is that about LBB?

Care to explain?

Blond Girl said...

I wonder what the ratings system would do with this post? You are tooo funny. Can I watch you bitch slap Julio? If I get a G-shock, can I try it too? I've always loved the term "bitch slap". I tend to sing it to the tune of "Love Shack" sometimes... "Bitch slap, baby biiitch slap!"

Say, see my question of the day. I have a feeling you'll have an idea or an opinion...

Sherry said...

I'm not sure I can support you on your question of how we would measure time but...
Morris Day!
Akkk...
;)
That was me trying to figure out how to spell that noise he made in the song.

Jenni said...

That watch sounds awesome. I purposely don't wear a watch to skirt the famed pick-up-line "Hey, do you have the time?"

But, with THAT watch I can be like YEAH, IT'S 5:30 BEEEAAAAOOOCCCHHHH! And then ass kicking would ensue and I wouldn't have to worry about walking around dark alleys at night and stuff.

Does it come with night-vision too?

Eddo said...

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Eddo said...

Okay, I am sorry I yelled at you.

Laurie said...

You fucking SLAY me.

Oh...and thanks for making me feel totally worthless because I'm sportin' a Fossil with a purple face and a crack in the glass.

Thanks a lot.

Oh great One said...

I don't know how you do it LBB. Every post is amazing. My well would have run dry by now. (Assuming I could post amazing posts.)

Nölff said...

What time is it?

Caloden said...

Holy Christ, too much! I'm going to run down to Wally World and buy my man the eco drive just so I can view the hand motion. Exercising and saving the world all in one small wrist action. When you have that kind of beauty who the hell cares about the pigs.

Scorpy said...

I bought one because they are the best http://fallenscorpion.blogspot.com/2006/01/my-new-loves.html

Elaine said...

I bow at your hard-core-ess-ness-ness.

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

Oh, they'll have knock-offs at the flea market next year. Then I can wait, save money, count the mullets and camoflauge all in one day. Because the only thing funnier than Walmart employees are the ones working at redneck flea markets.

Astrid said...

Haha .. looks very neat indeed! I bet it makes you happy when people ask you for the time all the time, instead of annoyed, right? Coz it gives you another opportunity to admire that-beautiful-object-YOU-own!!! I just love it when people are passionate about certain things.

chosha said...

Funny. As for the time question, time would still exist and pass, but if energy froze, we wouldn't perceive time, because our brains work by electrical impulse. Mm-kay?

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ppp9872 said...

yeah I like it Casio g shock watch