3/17/2006

What's YOUR law?


First, let me get this out of the way. Regarding the photo on the right ---------------------->


"I hope that's a dictionary because I think it would be cool to look up the word 'fellatio' while she's giving me a blowjob."

OK. Now that I've got that out of my system...

Dear Readers: Have you identified any of life's rules? Do you have any bits of wisdom? Have you discovered a universal law you'd like to share with us? If so, please post it in the comments section. If I get enough of them, I'll make a post featuring all my readers' laws, and we'll all be a little wiser for the rest of our lives. Below are some of mine:

LBB's 16 Laws

1) As religion loses its ability to elicit guilt, environmentalism fills the void. Our enterprises were once an affront to God. Now they're a threat to the ecosystem.

2) The least compelling motive is gratitude.

3) In order to commit a crime, you must first perceive yourself as a victim.

4) As designers make cars more reliable, auto mechanics make repairs more expensive at a rate that the real cost of driving remains constant.

5) The only cost-of-living expense politicians won't decry is the tax burden.

6) Those who make more money than we do are greedy. Those who make less money than we are either lazy or stupid.

7) Kids won't find fun in any activity lacking an element of danger.

8) Luxuries, once attained, become necessities.

9) We wear Spandex to show we're thinner. We drive luxury cars to show we're richer. We join causes to show that we're better. We argue politics to show we're smarter.

10) The human condition: a mind working to mitigate the troubles the body's cravings caused.

11) Diet foods leave us craving an amount of food equal to the calories we spared ourselves. Therefore, we tend to eat until we've consumed as many calories as the non-diet equivalent. For example, we'll eat twice as many half-calorie brownies. Corollary: We can never drink enough zero-calorie soda.

12) Nobody's future is what he had in mind.

13) Cars, women and button-up shirts never look better than they do on the showroom floor.

14) No matter the subject, the contents of a $140 college textbook become completely obsolete every year. Luckily, publishers have a $150 new edition in your syllabus's "required reading" section. Tenured professors never become obsolete.

15) Organized mediocrity often goes further than scattered genius.

16) What the liver is to the body, humor is to the psyche.

So, what's YOUR law?

59 comments:

NWJR said...

"Republicans are people that say 'Government Doesn't Work", and then get elected to prove it.

NWJR said...

The amount of work required to complete a project will always expand to fit the deadline.

Donuts make your pants shrink.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Excellent, NWJR. BTW, I can't comment at your blog. Some weird techno-difficulty.

"AG" said...

Long awaited important phone calls will come at the exact minute you decide to finally "go."

Marissa said...

If you never try, you'll never fail; but if you never try, you'll never succeed, either.

Try and fail; try again, fail better.

LOVE your blog. Will definitely be back for more.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Here are a few of my faves:

1. If anything will go wrong, it will, at the worst possible moment. WITH AN AUDIENCE.

2. Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

3. If in doubt, blow jobs will ALWAYS get a woman out of a jam.

4. "Plumber's Crack" is directly proportional to the final bill. The more buttcrack showin', the more the bill will be.

5. In commerce or love, window shopping is free, it's only when you put things on lay away that you get in trouble.

6. Always say thank you.

7. Always compliment the cook.

8. Always wash your face and ass (in that order), and wear clean undies (you never know who'll see them).

9. Never laugh when your lover disrobes, even if you're thinking of something else. You'll either get in the doghouse for laughing at them, or if you admit it wasn't your lover you were laughing at, you'll be in the doghouse for not being in the moment.

10. Always eat the best you can, even if it's a PB&J or a tuna sandwich.

Esereth said...

"What we call 'freedom' is usually just 'lack of opposition.'"


Hey, in your #3, do you apply that to all crimes? Petty crimes, I can see. But if you set out as a predator, to feel powerful; when Mafia guys and Bloods go out to kill opposition, do they feel like they're victims?

I like your blog.

HAIRYBEARS said...

GREAT BLOG

kathi said...

You can only give real love, respect and honor to others when you have the same for yourself.

Julie said...

Number #8 is so true - damn ole comforts of living get so nice.

I'd like to have a law that I get a house boy who wears a suit like Superman w/ a big H on his chest complete w/ a cape and just appears when I call him and disppears the rest of the time and caters to my EVERY need. Is that under the number 8 law?

Junebugg said...

Anything in life that brings you actual physical joy has to be either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

StringMan said...

He who smelt it dealt it.

phlegmfatale said...

Anything's possible with enough lubrication.

Peter said...

Too soon we get old, Too late we get smart.

Murphy was an optomist.

Coles law, finely chopped cabbage and grated carrot.

Snooze said...

I like the saying, "It's only kinky the first time you do it"

- loved your comment about the photo. I'm still laughing over that. Your list is great too, but obviously you've never lived in northern Ontario if you think spandex is to show how thin you are. I worked with so many people who seemed to think that spandex was a great way of highlighting fat rolls. Which brings me to the other classic law I gleaned from a magazine years ago ' Stretch pants are a privelege not a right'

tornwordo said...

I don't get that one, the least compelling motive is gratitude. You mean to get someone else's gratitude? To explain the motive of a crime? Really, I'm curious.

Laws, hmmmm, you do this so much better than I.

*Only about 10% of the time when you think/say, "That sounds like fun" will it actually turn out to be fun.

*The best answer to the question, "Can I ask you a question" is usually, "No."

See, told you you're better.

nongirlfriend said...

God, Nuggetmaven's # 3 is so right. I know I've done that in a pinch on more than one occasion.

Mine: Your eyes will deceive you, your heart will often send you down the wrong road, but your gut never betrays you. If you feel in your gut something isn't quite right, it isn't.

Not great, I know, but the times I've gone against my law, I've been sorry. And there is something out there I read about a "second brain" being where our stomachs are, etc., and that is where we get the "gut feelings" thing. The enteric nervous system.

P.S. The weirdo-techno thing is Blogger losing a server. I was down for 1.5 days. It sucked.

nongirlfriend said...

Tornwordo - Can I use your answer with my boss? She asks me that at least 20 times a day, usually when I'm in the middle of something that needs my full attention.

Cheryl said...

I feel a book coming on...great blog! Will be back.

keda said...

no matter how early i get up, if the appointments before 11am, i will always be 1hr late, so i might as well stay in bed as long as i want.

your children will always need to use the toilet as soon as you get in the taxi even if they've just been.

no there is not time to just check your email quickly.

no matter what any man might say whilst trying to sound enlightened, uncomfortable but gorgeous shoes do turn him on..... and thats ok with me.

btw, as a massuese i earn my money by your law number 8, and thats ok with me too!

poopie said...

Poopie's piss law: When drinkin' beer, once the bladder is primed with the first four, each subsequent beer must be followed by a trip to the bathroom to make room for the next.

Webmiztris said...

Just as soon as you finally buy that trendy piece of clothing that you wanted, it's listed the next month as a 'Don't' in every magazine!

keda said...

ooh that reminds me.... if it doesnt fit now you will never get slim enough to wear it, DO NOT BUY IT, put it back on the rack and step away from frock.
this goes for yummy shoes too.

Trinette said...

The final words of an idiot are most often: "Hey, watch this!"

Mom of Three said...

No matter how enlightened a parent you might posit to be, if a kid hits your kid, your first reaction will be that the other kid is a little shite. If your kid hits another kid, your first reaction will be that the other kid must have done something to provoke it.

Bank charges are a tax on the poor. If you're rich, you don't overdraw that checking account to keep the lights on, do ya?

People who still believe that the government cares about them are like women who take the man back after he beats her, just because he brings flowers.

My retired USMC husband says that all gas-guzzling vehicles might just as well have a sticker on the gas cap that says "Powered by a dead soldier."

CaCaBoy said...

1. That which doesn't kill you only makes you meaner.

2. When times of trouble are upon you, blame the next youngest sybling.

3. If a bear poops in the woods, some how, some way I WILL step in it.

4. If at first it won't go in, make sure it's the enterance you are trying to use, not the exit!

5. Never attach emotions or feelings to a discussion about an ex, unless your trying to add to your list of ex's!

Anonymous said...

One simple rule:

Switching from beer to shots is NEVER a good idea.

Frap Gurl said...

If you've failed at everything don't go skydiving!

You can NEVER change anyone!

If you call your mother-in-law the "C" word.. you will soon be divorced!

As always... Rachael said...

Alcohol makes funerals more fun.

Spinning Girl said...

The elasticity of the waistband is inversely proprtional to the size of the meal.

Attila The Mom said...

Every time you order a multi-disk series from Netflix, Disk 1 will suddenly become "long wait" and they'll send you Disk 2 first.

So you either have to hang on to the damn thing until 1 becomes available or watch it out of order and wonder "WTF did I miss"?

...Enjoying your blog very much!

Dave Morris said...

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Lyvvie said...

"You can't fix broken people - they have to do that for themselves."

I have this law from many years ago. It used to be "Don't date boys whose parents are divorced; they have too much baggage. Who needs a boyfriend with baggage?!"

also "People are tempted by either sugar, or alcohol. Thin people are a gamble, fat people are easy."

and finally (As I type more come to mind): "Never buy a car you couldn't have sex in comfortably."

Nettie said...

That's a really ugly dress.

Ari said...

1. Sometimes, there's nothing for it but another vodka cherry sour.

2. Adults and children behave in exactly the same ways. Just watch awhile. You'll see.

3. Fuck y'all, we're from Texas. ;)

Ari said...

Oh yeah, I forgot one. ROCK AND ROOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

Pirate said...

excellent points and #5 is right on the head. Speaking of head did you get the girl's number?

Elaine said...

1. The stupider the person, the louder they are

2. Anything fried in bacon grease is a sure winner.

3. you can sitll raed tihs as lnog as the frist and lsat lttres are rghit.

Candace said...

The waitress will always wait until you've just put food in your mouth to come up and ask how you're enjoying your meal.

The instant you sit on the toilet, your services will be urgently required by 1 or more children.

You can't deep fry an ice cube.

SNAKES ON A PLANE!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh I LOVE #'s 8 & 12....so true!

It's Monday...I'm using all my brain cells just to power my fingers into typing....so sadly, I have no laws of my own at the moment.

Sorry...;)

PBS said...

Wow, those are some really good well-thought out laws. Have you been working on this for awhile? My law is a simple one, taken from an old zen story, "everything changes."

Becky said...

I have plenty of these, but let me use my wittiest, "Procrastination is like masturbation, it's all fun and good until you realized you've just fucked yourself!"

Oh great One said...

I heart you LBB! What a great list of laws!

Speaking louder doesn't make you right.

Anonymous said...

"Thin girls spit. Fat girls swallow"

Trust me, this is true.

Smartypants said...

It's Monday and I don't feel very clever.

Alice said...

holy crap... i can't tell you how much i now want to go print up like 3000 stickers that say "Powered by a dead soldier." and slap them on all the SUVs i see....

Nölff said...

http://www.supportourribbons.com/

Monkeypotpie said...

I have only one law... Karma.

What comes around goes around, so don't be an asshole.

Anonymous said...

i'm thin, i swallow, but only if you do the same for me, in multiples*

Edgy Mama said...

Read LBB daily.

Riss said...

Awesome post and so fricken true on every point. I don't need laws, I have yours.

laura said...

#14 made me regret going to college. i'm still sore over that money grab, and it's been 3 years--i guess the bitterness from financial rape takes a while to wear off...

Anonymous said...

the 6 P's: Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Preformance

PlatinumGirl said...

Here's one my husband likes to use: Opinions are like assholes -- everyone has one, and no one wants to hear yours!

The Doggy Did It said...

Hmm, thou shalt not read blog of smartass guy who is way smarter and funnier than me, lest I develop a complex.

Amandarama said...

Here's a law:

"Beer does not make you more handsome; it just makes you fat and less likely to care."

Now, whiskey, on the other hand...

Bennet said...

Spammer companies, should allowed to recieve death threats to their family on and hourly basis...

If a person who works for a spammer company decides to kill him self, the law should allow any assistance needed to complete his or her death quickly with no problems.

Bennet said...

SHOULD BE allowed to reciev...damn it

Memphis Steve said...

The bigger the lie the more power it has, the more support it enjoys from the media and academics, the more funding Congress will give it, the longer it will live, the more "everybody knows" it.