3/14/2006

Willy Wonka and the ________ Factory

I never liked Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. To me, that movie reminds me of those flu-induced hallucinative dreams you have just before you wake up and puke. Too psychedelic. When I watch the original production, I look at Gene Wilder and think, "Dude, why do you have to be such a weirdo?" When I watch the recent remake starring Johnny Depp, I think, "Dude, why do you have to be so queer?" In both movies I Thank God those kids had chaperones.

Of course an entire world constructed of candy appeals to kids. But once you reach adulthood, you fantasize about a factory composed entirely of menu items from The Sizzler (the Ever-Lasting Onion Ring?). I think that fat kid (the one who got stuck in the tube) would have enjoyed either factory with equal rapture. If, however, it were Willy Wonka and the Vegetable Factory, the fat kid would have had Mom call him in sick that day. This is conjecture. But I'll just bet.

I wonder how many takers would have showed at Willy Wonka's Sausage Factory – I mean outside the Bay Area? I don't want to watch sausage being made unless the sausage factory is a front for a mafia-controlled body disposal shop. The Sopranos has one of those, by the way. If the guys the sausage factory were using for meat were evil, I'd enjoy it. Hell, I might even order myself an open-faced Reuben. Excuse me, good sir. I'll take a Tookie Williams on Rye with side of Milosevic soup. They could make it a combo deal and call it a Black Russian (Yeah, I know. He was actually a Yugoslavian Serb. Where were you critics when the page was blank?)

How about Willy Wonka and the Auto Factory – a two-hour film featuring The Man kicking union workers in the ass and out the door? GM could do creative consulting. I'll bet the Japs would laugh their asses off at that movie.

25 comments:

Peter said...

Hi Bugs, I didn't see either of the Willy Wonka movies so I can't make a comparison, in fact now that I'm into it, I find I can't really make a comment either, so here's a non-comment.

tornwordo said...

WW and the Vegetable factory sounds like a skit from MAD TV. I'd like to see that one.

Snooze said...

Ever since I read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory it was my fantasy to visit such a place. I think you're the first person I've ever heard of who wasn't in rapture at the thought. Still, the alternative versions would be interesting.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'd prefer a pizza and beer factory myself...;)

Blonde Bitch said...

Good thoughts, it makes you wonder. And as for Depp, I feel the same way. I have so many friends that think he is so hot, and I am just standing out of the box with a dumb look on my face. What the hell do they see?

Oh great One said...

Gene is a weirdo isn't he? Gotta say that as much as I enjoy Johnny Depp (I admit it!) his creepiosity level was soarin' in this movie.

Becky said...

I haven't watched Charlie and the chocolate factory yet, I fear I may throw up if I do. I just love the classics so much, but Johnny Depp is a great actor in my opinion, I may watch it yet.... We'll see...

SugarHigh said...

yo, that's my sugar pimp you speak of! LOL!
i'm kidding, I love the movies though. I think the re-make was brilliant because it was much more of what I truly believe Dahl intended with his book, but that's just me. I did miss the part where they licked the wall and Wonka said, the raspberries taste like raspberries, and the snozberries taste like snozberries. awesome!
anyhoo, if i had a pimp it would SO be Wonka...preferbly in the Johnny Depp form. :)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"Where were you critics when the page was blank?" Hoo boy, that is the richest ever. How many of us have there been, sitting there, wondering what to write....

NWJR said...

Creepy pale-faced guy invites kids over to his mansion for fun rides and candy.

Sounds like a visit to Neverland Ranch to me.

*shudder*

nongirlfriend said...

Augustus Gloop. That was the fat kid's name.

Sometimes, I still break into song..."I want a feast! I want a bean feast!"

actonbell said...

I cannot mentally get past the vegetable factory idea. What a gas!

Heather said...

I thought the oompa-loompas looked like they were having a grand time.

phlegmfatale said...

Actually, I LURVED the Johnny Depp version - wickedly delicious. Creepy = different = interesting and that goes a mighty long way to holding my attention. Now, if Mr. Wonka had tied Violet's mom to the railroad tracks - well, that would have been pure perfection. Oh, but, my tastes are showing, aren't they?

Anyhoo. Hilarious. Vegetable factory. I'm picturing the cartoon Chip and Dale canning factory antics. Indubitably.

I popped in to tell you I finally got links up last night, and your shiny mug is in on the list.

Junebugg said...

Depp as a pirate - HELL Yeah!
Depp as Wonka - Yuck!

StringMan said...

I was waiting for the truly sick Bug stuff, and then the mafia sausage factory came into view. Yeah. You're sick, and I'm hooked. Nice.

keda said...

fabulous. the belgian beer and smelly cheese factory comes in a close second to the evil sausage for me. i miss pork.
(living in turkey!). my children agree. wicked laughs and sausages are big in our dreams here*
thanks*

Lyvvie said...

The old one used to scare me as a kid.

But your first paragraph got me into an argument with Sassy. "Why you laughing Mommy?" "Someone wrote something funny," "Read it to me," "You wouldn't understand the joke," and a tantrum ensued.

But the first paragraph nearly made me wee.

Webmiztris said...

i loved willy wonka and the chocolate factory, but the sausage factory idea sounds pretty damn kinky, if I do say so myself. ;)

It's Me, Maven... said...

I always felt bad for poor Augustus Gloop... dunno why!

This line is perhaps the funniest big I've read today:

I'll take a Tookie Williams on Rye with side of Milosevic soup.

Spinning Girl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Spinning Girl said...

I always wished it was a pasta factory. I would blow an Oompa Loompa for some homemade fresh tortelloni.

Smitty said...

The Japs don't have time to watch movies...they're too busy working.

Toni said...

Vegetable factory? We've had those things for thousands of years. They're called farms ;)

Ms. M said...

Do you dream this shit up like Stephen King does the stories for his novels? You are truly a creative genius...

Love the sausage factory. I'll take a Tookie Williams too! Sounds delish!