4/06/2006

Bullet-ins

First, let me apologize for my infrequent posts. Home projects have me as busy as John Bobbit's urologist. I'm glad to see you're still dropping by. And now the weekend Bullet-ins:

  • I refuse to argue about religion. What's the point? Every single one of us will learn the truth eventually.
  • Speaking of religion, I recently had to sell my soul to avoid spiritual bankruptcy. It's ironic. But I get a really cool sports car and I'll look 10 years younger than I really am.
  • My 9-year-old daughter, Larva Bug's Butt, lamented about home developers deleting natural deserts from the landscape. I explained that in the past, people surely complained about our home being built, but thank Goodness they built it anyway. I then explained that land development is a necessity. She replied, "Having a Walgreen's on every corner isn't a necessity."
  • Public Relations: The reason Starbucks is the Great American Company for charging you $5 for coffee and why Exxon is the scourge of the earth for charging you $2.50 for gas.
  • How's this for a movie sequel: Brokeback Mountain 2, Electric Boogaloo?
  • Did you know that earlier interpretations of Aristotle's Ethics include the maxim, "Nature compels those of the female persuasion to purse the real jerky guys?"
  • If somebody throws food in the trash, and that parcel of food remains safely inside of its container – isolated from all other trash – then I submit it is OK to retrieve the food from the trash and eat it.
  • Remember that band, Tears for Fears? I think they were queers who shopped at Sears.
  • How come in mattress commercials, they show people sleeping. But in toilet commercials...
  • If you can have a tile roof, why can't you have shingle flooring?
  • Every time I hear a Jewel song, I can't resist shouting at the radio "Go wipe your ass with some tree bark, hippie." Jewel was proud of the fact that she grew up without indoor plumbing. That explains her brown-stained palms.
  • If you pray, you'd better step into the 21st Century. God can be reached via email at LordGod@Heaven.org. Please include religious denomination in the subject line.
  • Remember all the 1980s Hair Bands? I can't believe with all that Spandex that not one Hair Band named itself The Bulge. How about those Girl Hair Bands? They had some big hair! I wonder if they at least shaved their cooters.
  • I'm suspicious of Born-Again Christians. First, how does a 230-pound diesel mechanic fit through a birth canal? Look, BACs: You don't need to go through the birthing process. Just stop being a jerkoff. Ease up on the booze and bar fights. Spend a few nights per week at home.
  • They say What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas. Tell that to the clap.
  • If hardware parts can be male or female, can universal joints be "bi-?"
  • If you love someone, set them free... unless, of course, you're into bondage.
  • What would happen if you put a white noise generator against an airplane's black box?

55 comments:

djmetronome said...

Ha!...my responses:
1.I dont plan on dieing...not for me, mind you, but to keep those around me from the unavoidable depression.
2.I lost my soul in a poker game.
3.smart daughter.
4.mmm, starbucks...yuk, oil
5.they can all dress like john travolta in SNFever
6.I even tried being the jerk once, sadly it worked.
7.agree
8.hmm
9.you've seen commercials for toilets...dont they just come with the house?
10.ever seen those non-slip sticky strips for stairs...i think those are shingle-ish, but thats all I got.
11.boo-jewel
12.I dont dont believe in mythology (overexageration for effect)
13.aquanet-cooter...me like
14.see #12
15.I find that rule true for my $$
16.hermaphrodite??
17.I never love my prisoners
18.really good pron

and I'm spent!

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Tiffanie said...

I like your line of thinking

Painter Beach Girl said...

what do you think about christian scientists?

Molicious said...

I'm afraid to send God an e-mail. He might respond.

Spinning Girl said...

I am pitching a tent inside your mind for a day or so. Make room and make sure you have Cheetos, 'cuz I'm campin' out.

tornwordo said...

I like Larva.

The Doggy Did It said...

Hmm, Hardware parts could be unic? (sp?)

Where do you come up with this stuff??

NWJR said...

White noise...black box...

Ow. My head hurts.

luckysevn said...

Hmmm... My friend's son goes to school with a kid named Lord God. That's just wrong.

CaCaBoy said...

I like putting things against a "black box"!

Again, you are brilliant! I may stop laughing........tomorrow!

Peter said...

Hi Bugs, you have a smart daughter, loved the BAC one.

Melonie said...

You have one smart child. I can only imagine how intelligent she will be after she gets out of the larva stage.

It's Me, Maven... said...

1. I agree.
2. Did a big penis come with that?
3. You must be doing something right for Larva BB to be so insightful.
4. I do not buy Starbucks nor Exxon on principle.
5. How about BUTTALOO?
6. Is nature a euphemism for desperation?
7. Answer me this... Are you now or have you ever been George Costanza?
8. ... Who drank too many beers.
9. I agree!
10. You can have shingles on your body, too!
11. ... :)
12. Um, okay!
13. I think of natty Hitler mustasches and wood floors...
14. ... not gonna touch it with a ten foot phallus!
15. And! Gonnorhea of the eyeball.
16. Sure!
17. By all means!
18. The earth would stop spinning on its axis!

Edgy Mama said...

I love Larva BB.

Why is everyone on a bondage kick lately?

nongirlfriend said...

"If you love someone, set them free... unless, of course, you're into bondage."

Most excellent!

I can see your daughter has your sense of wit, observation and sarcasm. Well done!

Blond Girl said...

18: Grey matter

As always... Rachael said...

I had a whole list of fucking comments... then I hit a button and they all went away. I'm super-pissed!

I can't even think now... fuck!

Ari said...

Aristotle did say that humans prefer the difficult to the easy, which I guess is basically the same thing as "women prefer assholes."

Jon said...

What about

Brokeback to the Future,

The Empire BrokeBack, or

Brokeback Mountain 2: The Cowgirls?

(All work-safe)

Riss said...

The green bumps on my genitals faded once we were out of Vegas airspace. It really *is* true!!

P.S. - Glad you enjoyed my show! Even the random bursts of singing!

phlegmfatale said...

sounds like lightning bug's larva is a chip off the old asshole!

Sharon said...

I applaud.

Frap Gurl said...

Hmm.... Bullet-in.. I am not devout enough to comment on each bullet.. does that mean I get shot? But, I do give to the Church of Starbucks.. I must be addicted, cool to have a religion based on addiction me thinks and I get to choose my own flava!

Bennet said...

Brokeback Mountain 2: Electric Boogaloo..

I like it...

They could break dance near the camp fire, and exchange parachute pants..

Heather said...

Actually, it will be called..
Brokeback Mountain 2: Ass Crack Creek. Filmed in rural Minnesota. I think my dh wanted a roll. ;)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Your daughter sounds like one smart little larva...:)

And your talk about eating food out of the trash now has me thinking of George on "Seinfeld" when he ate the eclair out of the trash and got caught doing it! :)

Becky said...

I heard Dane Cook say something extremely hillarious related to the "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas," slogan, he said, "what happens in vegas and I see it, I'm fucking telling everybody!"

Caloden said...

Dear god, too much for first thing in the morning. I need a cup of coffee, or three, first. Speaking of which, if we had a Starbucks in our wee town, I would sell my soul and ask them if I could swim in a vat of their coffee.

BAC's scare me much in the same way that circus clowns do.

Weary Hag said...

I lived in Vegas for awhile. I have my own slogan: "Does anybody really give a hoot what happens in Vegas?" (cuz I surely don't)

Bit of religious irony in my life too ... I gave up Catholicism for Lent one year - never looked back.

I'd like to see a sequel to Brokeback Mountain too: BBMountain: "Urban Cowboy Meets Charles Bronson ... In a Gulch ... and He's Good n'Pissed"

Nice Thursday post, LBB.

Nölff said...

I went to Starbucks once. I can get better coffee at the Hess station for $1. I drink a lot of coffee, so I consider myslf an expert.

Oh great One said...

Maybe if Exxon gave their gas cool sounding names like Halfgas mochaline they would be better recieved.

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As always... Rachael said...

I'm going to try commenting again... first of all, larva is a hilarious pseudonym!

I argue religion every chance I get... there's no point, you're right.

My daughter was about Larva's age when she boycotted Wal-mart and McDonalds. Smart kids are a pain in the ass.

FUCK Starbucks. Who calls them a great american business? I call them "cool coffeehouse killers!"

I always keep a jerky guy in my purse. They come in handy when I need a quick black eye to get out of work.

Leave Jewel alone. SHe can kick your ass.

I think BACs spend too MUCH time at home. They can get weird, remaining isolated or only with their like-kind. THe only time they come out of their shell is to knock on my door early on a saturday morning. Fuckers!

I think that last bullet might get you some Patriot Act attention... better watch out LBB!

gusgreeper said...

you know it is strange i always expect the artists i love to sell out we all have a price....the jewel sell out was really really really obvious and so drastic i never saw it coming. i think i'll hang on to her first album but i'd never ever buy another or even waste my time downloading any of her shit...there are some sell outs i never get over. muisic is so prominent in my life is sends me off on yelling fits constantly.

Memphis Steve said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Memphis Steve said...

You know, when I "got saved" my mom was real nervous for awhile. I guess it hadn't occurred to me until just now why. Ah well, an old woman needs something to keep her on her toes. Otherwise they just get lazy.

Toni said...

Good to see that young miss Larva Bug's Butt is growing up nicely,.

KB said...

There IS a Walgreen's on every corner!

And the toilet commercial--point well taken. LMAO.

Elaine said...

Oh good lord. So many favorites I don't even know which one to comment on....but damn,
"Brokeback Mountain 2, Electric Boogaloo?"

That's the shit right there. Hot pants with sequins and hairy asses on roller skates. I can just picture it now....

PlatinumGirl said...

Smart kid!

Galt-In-Da-Box said...

There ain't gonna be no sequel to Brokedick Mountain unless the queer that din't croak gets a new boy-toy...
Or cowboy-toy, in this case!
And it doesn't matter half a piece of a busted damn what the PC idiots say, 2 twinks + 1 fuck = 0 progeny.
Deal.

Mike's America said...

Your daughter says ""Having a Walgreen's on every corner isn't a necessity?"

Just wait until it's 2AM some night and she needs X,Y or Z....

THEN it will be a necessity.

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