- I refuse to argue about religion. What's the point? Every single one of us will learn the truth eventually.
- Speaking of religion, I recently had to sell my soul to avoid spiritual bankruptcy. It's ironic. But I get a really cool sports car and I'll look 10 years younger than I really am.
- My 9-year-old daughter, Larva Bug's Butt, lamented about home developers deleting natural deserts from the landscape. I explained that in the past, people surely complained about our home being built, but thank Goodness they built it anyway. I then explained that land development is a necessity. She replied, "Having a Walgreen's on every corner isn't a necessity."
- Public Relations: The reason Starbucks is the Great American Company for charging you $5 for coffee and why Exxon is the scourge of the earth for charging you $2.50 for gas.
- How's this for a movie sequel: Brokeback Mountain 2, Electric Boogaloo?
- Did you know that earlier interpretations of Aristotle's Ethics include the maxim, "Nature compels those of the female persuasion to purse the real jerky guys?"
- If somebody throws food in the trash, and that parcel of food remains safely inside of its container – isolated from all other trash – then I submit it is OK to retrieve the food from the trash and eat it.
- Remember that band, Tears for Fears? I think they were queers who shopped at Sears.
- How come in mattress commercials, they show people sleeping. But in toilet commercials...
- If you can have a tile roof, why can't you have shingle flooring?
- Every time I hear a Jewel song, I can't resist shouting at the radio "Go wipe your ass with some tree bark, hippie." Jewel was proud of the fact that she grew up without indoor plumbing. That explains her brown-stained palms.
- If you pray, you'd better step into the 21st Century. God can be reached via email at LordGod@Heaven.org. Please include religious denomination in the subject line.
- Remember all the 1980s Hair Bands? I can't believe with all that Spandex that not one Hair Band named itself The Bulge. How about those Girl Hair Bands? They had some big hair! I wonder if they at least shaved their cooters.
- I'm suspicious of Born-Again Christians. First, how does a 230-pound diesel mechanic fit through a birth canal? Look, BACs: You don't need to go through the birthing process. Just stop being a jerkoff. Ease up on the booze and bar fights. Spend a few nights per week at home.
- They say What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas. Tell that to the clap.
- If hardware parts can be male or female, can universal joints be "bi-?"
- If you love someone, set them free... unless, of course, you're into bondage.
- What would happen if you put a white noise generator against an airplane's black box?
First, let me apologize for my infrequent posts. Home projects have me as busy as John Bobbit's urologist. I'm glad to see you're still dropping by. And now the weekend Bullet-ins: