4/25/2006

A few thoughts

Everybody who takes an online IQ test is a genius. Go figure. I have to wonder how we can have so many genius administrative assistants. Rock is to boulder as plant is to... tree. Congratulations, you're a fuckin' Einstein.


If I were a petty criminal, I'd bring my dog when I prowled the streets at night. His companionship would be nice, but the main reason I'd bring my dog is because he'd dispel any suspicion. Dogs are burglar's best friend. Think about it. If you see an ape-like figure wandering down the street at night, you immediately think “manic, psychopathic criminal element.” But then you notice he's walking a dog and you think “Oh, he's got a dog. He's a harmless animal lover. He must be carrying that 15-inch knife and a coil of rope because he's a boy scout.” That's just what he wants you to think, people. But when you turn your back, he and Fido are going to mug you and hump your leg, respectively.


Why do rap songs always “feature” a guest star? Nobody raps on their own anymore. It's always Snoop Dogg featuring Dr. Dre or Uzi Juice featuring Shotgun Blake or Lil' Kim featuring a bare-ass titty. If I were a rapper, I'd feature a banjo player -- somebody who can really pick a banjo, like Roy Clark. I figure I'd need a hook, a shtick, some novelty that distinguishes me from the other rappers. A gold-capped tooth and a rap sheet aren't going to help. I predict the next big rapper will play a banjo.


Why don't animal rights activists protest fishing? They're always decrying slaughterhouses and farms, but they let fishermen off the hook. I think fishing is the cruelest. Think about the poor fish :
“Hey, look. It's a worm just floating on by. Ooh. It's a night-crawler. That's my favorite. The filet mignon of the sea. I'm eating that bitch before...chomp...Ah, jeez. There's a hook stuck in my cheek. What gives? Ah, what now? Ow. Ow! Somebody's pulling on it. Where am I headed? I can't swim away. The line's too strong. I keep heading for that dingy on the surface. This is just like when the Millennium Falcon was caught in the Star Destroyer's tractor beam. Hey, now I'm in a net. This is going from bad to worse. Why can't these Milwaukee's Best rednecks just club me to death like a baby seal?”


I hate buying tires for my car because the sales guy always tries to up-sell me to some high-performance name brand tire that costs more than I make in a week. Michelin reminds us, “Because so much is riding on your tires.” Take a look at my car. You'll see that not much is really riding on them. It's a piece of crap. In fact, if I bought some name-brand tires, the tires would be the most valuable thing on the car. Kelly Blue Book would actually have to raise the value of the thing if I swapped out my baldies for 4 new Goodyears. If I went into a bad skid, the value of my car would go down. I try to explain this to the sales guy, but he goes into some rant about how they're guaranteed for 80,000 miles. And I'm like, dude, I don't know if my car is going to make it home tonight. I'll never get another 80k out of it. I'd put bike tires on if they'll fit. Show me something in a Huffy, my good man.


I love cruise-control. I use it all the time. Instead of varying my speed as road conditions warrant, I set my cruise-control at the desired speed and let the road adapt to my tastes. I'll do anything to avoid deactivating my cruise-control. I make erratic lane changes. I swerve around slow-pokes and road construction crews. The way I see it, cruise-controlled cars have the right-of-way. Screw all those “pedal-pressers,” the stone-age cretins. There could be a handicap nun walking a chain of orphan children across the street ahead. I'm not clicking off. Double time it, sister. It seems a shame to have to steer once you've got the cruise-control set. Why disencumber yourself from the gas pedal only to have to work so hard steering your car on what is essentially a perfectly straight highway? As long as you keep your car in alignment, you can usually let go of the wheel and relax. Sometimes I'll wedge a soda cup between the wheel and the dash just to be safe. Then I ease the seat back and hope everything turns out as planned.


I think America has battered wife syndrome. After 9/11, every time somebody says something rotten about us or does something mean to us we introspect and ask ourselves what we did to deserve it. We need to take a self-esteem class. We need to discover our inner-goddess or some shit like that one broad did. Too bad terrorists didn't wear wife-beater t-shirts, drink Budweiser and listen to Lynard Skynard. Then everybody would be on the same page. Lifetime for Women would play footage of the World Trade Center falling down 12 times per day.

45 comments:

nongirlfriend said...

P.S. I finally got the Alice theme Peep Karaoke to work!

"AG" said...

I live in Maine, and there are activists against eating lobsters because they feel pain.

Regarding your battered wife syndrome analysis, you are so right on.

StringMan said...

The official 'banjo in the rap song' watch has begun. Bug will prove to be a prophet.

Edgy Mama said...

We do have battered "person" syndrome--but it's nothing new. Think about back to colonial days--"o, bad King George, we're going to dump all that tea into the harbor. Wait. Shit. Now what do we drink?"

blah said...

i see we frequent the same discount tire store......and roy clark was just at my dentist....he was getting fitted for his gold tooth...i think he will look "blingalicious"!!!

nongirlfriend said...

The lobsters do feel the pain. B/c they dump them alive into boiling water. Comments deleted my first post. Oh well.

Frap Gurl said...

Shrimp ,lobsters .... boil, boil, chomp chomp!! YUM!

giant-cock-fucking said...

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Amanda Frazier said...

The tire guy...poor wretch. Think about it. All day long, every day, he does his damdest to push the 80,000 mile tire on people. Not much job pride in that one, is there? Nah. I feel bad for him. And the girl at the fast food joint that spends 5 minutes trying to tell me why it would be so much more fiscally responsible of me to order the LARGE pepsi for just .10 more than the medium! I really don't like to take financial advice from people wearing paper hats, thank you.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I think everyone should use cruise control. Nothing worse than being behind the guy who goes from 35 to 50 then to 45 then 60. Pick a speed, Andretti. I'm trying to drink my coffee and type a memo back here.

bornfool said...

When word gets out all the burglars and tweekers are going to be walking there dogs.

We drive the same kind of car. Mine needs tires badly but I'm resisting because I know as soon as I sink a good amount of money in the thing it's going to die a horrible death.

PBS said...

Ha ha, I knew I shouldn't have read this at work! Love the car ones. And HEY about administrative assistants--we're all geniuses.

LaunderLust said...

I'm a genius, too! I was an Administrative Assistant for years until I took that online test! Then I demanded a promotion and got it. Now I work longer hours for a little bit more money and don't get overtime! Yeah, that's right; I'M A GENIUS!

Pittchick said...

but if you buy 4 new tires, you get free tire rotation for life!

and how come when a fast food joint wants to biggie size your order, they never offer you more protein? now that's something I would pay extra for!

Oh great One said...

Yoo meen I'm not rilly a genius?

Amen to the battered wife syndrome. LBB for President!

Nice spam by the way.

keda said...

yay. i'm all for rapbanjo. the perfect dancing music after a seafood starter and fish supper methinks. just because i can!

NeverEnough said...

I thought I was the only with cruise control that did this! Now I don't feel so evil anymore...

Nölff said...

I saw a guy in front of KFC bitching about animal rights. He was with PETA.

He was wearing leather shoes.
I don't think Dr. Martin makes poly-leather shoes.

tep, BBQ rocks.

JD said...

the last paragraph especially was too funny. i agree 100%. cool post.

Attila The Mom said...

LOL! I live for your lists! :-)

Attila The Mom said...

LOL! I live for your lists! :-)

phlegmfatale said...

that was the funniest damned post. Loved the tire thingie. Loved the cruise control thingie. The "self esteem for dummy nations" course in the last paragraph was especially funny. You rock!

Elaine said...

I can't wait for your rapbanjo album. If you ever need an accordion player, hollah at yo girl.

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DogGirl said...

bare ass titty, heh heh.

Yo, I didnt know you were buds with Giant-Fucking-Cock, can you get me his digits?

Riss said...

Holy shit we do have battered wife syndrome. It's pathetic actually.

Dave Morris said...

About dogs... I find it interesting (and insulting) that the news can be on talking about a guy dying in a car accident, but when it's revealed that a dog also died in the accident, then people go "awwwww!"

Give me a break people, the guy had 3 children. Maybe he loses a contest to the dog in the categories of "able to lick own balls" and "number of nipples," but come on.

Peter said...

There could be a handicap nun walking a chain of orphan children across the street ahead. I'm not clicking off. Double time it, sister.
Spoken like a true cruise control addict Bugs.

Jenni said...

Damnit. Now do I not only have to worry about being accosted by ape-like men, but I also have to worry about their dogs humping my leg?

Great.

ME said...

It is more than slightly scary for me to realize that your blog is the most thought-provoking material I encounter in a normal day. Scary because I work AND go to school.

Becky said...

Lifetime channel sucks so much ass!!

Painter Beach Girl said...

it's stupid if anyone actually has the time to come across an online IQ test, much less take it and think it valid.

kari said...

Hey! I drank Miwaukees Best once.

jules said...

Put you in the blog today.

Amandarama said...

If America went looking for her inner goddess, I'm afraid she might find Brittney Spears - hopelessly knocked up again because she wasn't paying attention and looking to put a good spin on the situation.

Miss Sassy said...

Lynard Skynard is playing on the radio behind me, and they are talking about how the war is going and the Navy guy they met today.
Freakish.
How did you know??!!
Its like your bugging my phones communication lines or something.

Used Hack said...

My secretary, the goofy bitch who helped bring an end to my blog, took one of those Internet IQ tests.

When I asked how she did, she said, and I quote, "It said I was pretty stupid, but not so stupid I couldn't function in society."

CaCaBoy said...

Screw fish! Idiots!
My truck WILL not make another 20K.
Rap sucks. Except Eminem. He makes me laugh!
I think we should be air dropping wife-beaters A.S.A.P.
Sweet, sweet cruise control. I too, will not disengage it, even when I'm up on two wheels rounding a corner at 80 mph!

As always... Rachael said...

I'm a genius... even on the paper tests issued to me by the psyche-ward adminstrators... did I just spell genius wrong?? Why does it
look misspelled??

Anyway, you had me laughing so hard throughout that I'm at a loss for words. Or at a loss for words I can spell!

Weary Hag said...

I have found my inner goddess. She drives a POS* car with balding tires. Her cruise control is in her right foot and her mangy dog is in the back seat just waiting to pounce on the first banjo playing rapper they meet up with. The only thing scarier than a woman driving a crappy car is the same bitch toting a tackle box full of pissed-off.

The thing is ~ she's genius enough to remain hidden behind simple beauty and stretch marks ~ until she needs to be called upon.

*piece of shit

tornwordo said...

Always good stuff LBB. And I always thought the fishing was horrific too. After we gash your mouth, we're going to let you suffocate slowly, we want you alive as long as possible so that when we eat you, you're fresh. A gun to the head sounds way more humane.

NWJR said...

Dude, the banjo rap has already been done. Don't get left behind!

Banjo Rap

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I'm the same way with cruise control....and down here, I cannot believe after driving these roads for 21 years, I haven't taken someone out yet.

;)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

NWJR: No such thing as an original idea, I guess.

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Some of the funniest dam' stuff! I love your rants. They just go on and on forever. I lose myself in admiration. You've redefined the edge for me. I'm still giggling absurdly about the thought of Roy Clark and Snoop Dogg on the same stage, hootin' and hollerin', the original Soggy Bottom Boys.

DEL