4/17/2006

Indoor sports in the Great Outdoors

How did the human race reproduce before climate-control? Think about it. You have to be naked. Right? (Quiet, Freak-os.) Therefore, you need an environment near room temperature. Like the internal combustion engine, our naughty parts have a narrow “operating temperature.” But in most of the outdoors, most of the time, it's too hot or too cold for romping. Guys, have you ever tried to sex your lady-friend in the park during winter? Before you know it, you're slapping a pair of nutsicles across her ass! Suddenly she's looking back at at you and saying “Hey, Jack Frost! Are you banging me with an ice-pop and a bag of marbles? Any chance for a three-way with Frosty” That's when I reply, “Quiet or I'll turn this thing into a FUDsicle!

I can't even take a leak outside in the winter. When my fingers touch the crank, everything puckers. My pecker becomes water-tight. You may not know that the penis is nature's thermometer. That's why it shrivels under a certain temperature. It's his way of telling you “It's too cold to fuck. Let's go play some racket ball.”

Every couple has tried to become romantic in a sauna. It sounds romantic. But in reality, it's a death trap. Sex and heat don' t mix. After 5 minutes in a sauna, I'm no longer a sexual dynamo. I'm sweating and panting like a Mexican immigrant in July. The only role I can pull of is that of a sweaty speed bump. If you try sex in a sauna, you better hope she can shoot Gatorade out her nipples or else you're going to buckle from dehydration.

When you think about it, most of the world is either a sauna or an ice box. It makes me wonder how we ever reproduced. Prehistoric people must have mated awfully quickly.

46 comments:

DogGirl said...

Would you prefer traditional Orange or a new XTREME flavor?

Helga von porno said...

I had sex with the devil once, and though his breath was as hot as a sahara wind, his penis was a foot long rod of cold iron, as mechanical and unfeeling as a steam train piston.

tornwordo said...

I'm tickled, I've had this same line of thought. It really is amazing that we've reproduced as much as we have.

Makes me curious about China's climate.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I almost didn't get past nutsicles. That's damn funny! :)

Lyvvie said...

Nomadic means - go where it's nice. It's only us dumb fucks who've decided to suffer and settle - but then we did invent central heating and air conditioning. So we still simulate normal temperatures. I bet a cozy cave and warm, burning fire and a pile of warm pelts did those cave folks just fine.

You're killing my sauna fantasy. Stop it.

NWJR said...

Shrinkage is the reason we invented fireplaces.

LaunderLust said...

In the sauna, the fudsicle becomes a pudding pop.

Oh great One said...

“Hey, Jack Frost! Are you banging me with an ice-pop and a bag of marbles? Any chance for a three-way with Frosty”

If I had a nickle for everytime I said that.

Amandarama said...

Outdoor sex just leads to bug bites in embarrassing places later. And, if you're really unlucky, poison ivy.

All I'm saying is that, sometimes, temperature is the least of your worries.

Junebugg said...

That's why Spring is called the Season of Love.

It's like the Three Bares:
Not too hot
Not too cold
AHHHHHH Just right.

Besides, some of you guys can't afford any shrinkage, it's not that big to begin with 8-}

Melonie said...

Nature's thermometer, I love it!

Sonya said...

I feel like I know you or at least your penis a little better after this post. LOL!

Molicious said...

Sex in a hottubs is just plain dangerous. Too much chlorine to get the juices flowing. If you know what I mean. Extreme changes for rippage. Not cool

Blonde Vigilante said...

Where there's a will, there's a way. Just like when you were in highschool and you needed to get a nut, you usually got that nut right? Yeah, it's like that.

djmetronome said...

I dont know, I've made due with some pretty extreme conditions! Nothing like too horny...or sometimes too drunk...to make you deal with hot tubs, cold ground, itchy grass, clorine water, and cramped vehicles, etc.

bornfool said...

LBB, this one made me laugh so many times I don't know where to begin. Thank God for climate control.

luckysevn said...

Shooting Gatorade out the nipples... Hmmm... I'm gonna have to try that one!!!

Webmiztris said...

I'm curious about that too - when it's hot, the last thing I want is another sweaty body rubbing up against mine. How DID they do it?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

No. See, in the old days, we had your parthenogenesis....well, at least some rabbits did.

Phain said...

Ranks right up there with sex on the beach (the act not the drink) - no thank you, I'll pass on getting sand in my hoo-ha.

nongirlfriend said...

Ha, I like what Junebugg said!

Myself, I can mate anywhere. I just hope to never reproduce.

Edgy Mama said...

You mean sex can take longer than three minutes?

Jenni said...

What? Am I the only one here whose nipples squirt a refreshing sports drink? Damn.

janestarr said...

How did we have sex without climate control? We didn't my pervy friend. We had a whole lot less people 100 yrs ago and now I understand why. You're brilliant!

Elaine said...

Uhh, Jenni's comment completely made me forget about what I was going to say.........^^^^^^ :O !

Steph said...

I don't think they indulged in much foreplay. They probably just rolled around on a big old bear rug till they got some fricken burns happening, then he dived on and did the deed.:P

Latigo Flint said...

I don't remember Junebugg, but she sure seems to remember me.

Bennet said...

I sure wish breasts could sqiurt a doubleshot espressos...I'd never leave them...

"AG" said...

Booze.

PBS said...

Yep, I think it was hit and run.

StringMan said...

Extreme sex is not for everyone. And what's a guy from Arizona doing complaining about freezin' weather anyway? "Popsicles in the freezer" is a given up here ...

Nölff said...

It's either shrivelled cold tally wacker in the winter or sweaty loose ballsack in the summer.

CaCaBoy said...

I seem to perform okay anywhere, any temp. Though I am less inclined on hot days. Although I have found that the penis is an excellent thermometer. Pool sex is also overrated. I find the that women seem less moist (I know, I know) but it's true!

betchacantguesswho said...

LMAO. I love the way you think.

kari said...

If only I could shoot Gatorade from my nipple. How handy that would be for jogging.

Nettie said...

I'm quiet...

NYCbeauty said...

Well....we are actually having a Spring this year. Too bad I'm not getting lucky!

Ari said...

"Prehistoric people must have mated awfully quickly."

Yep. Comes from the reptilian part of the brain. Mate, swim away from approaching, bigger gator.

Spinning Girl said...

I think that is why we started wearing fur.

Mmmm, pass me a nutsicle.

Jill said...

All prehistoric men were...umm well...minute men shall we say??

Peace

Jill

www.jitter.fourpointmoms.com

PlatinumGirl said...

If you are not on stage somewhere, you should be!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Also the invention of a grid of electricity and the modern light bulb probably had something to do with that... but then again if it were darker earlier in the evenings way back then, then the population should have been MORE, since a lot of folks like to bang at night.... arggg! Now I'm all cornphewzed!

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Manolito said...

Can you do it without any camping gear during a cold winter camp?

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