4/19/2006

Jujitsu for life

I used to be angry. Most of the world pissed me off. So did people. In fact, the majority of people I met earned an entry into my “revenge notebook,” a small ledger I kept in my shirt pocket with the names of those on whom I'd exact revenge, along with a few precursory ideas on how I'd even the score. Please know I've discontinued the practice of logging victims into a notebook. Not only have I found a more effective and healthful way of dealing with anger, but I've scratched all the names off the list, having exacted my revenge on the lot of them.

You know that bumper sticker that reads, “If you're not completely appalled, you're not paying attention?” First of all, the soccer-mom C-bombs who stuck that on their SUVs all made into my notebook, above. But also the message on the bumper sticker dovetailed with my disposition. I was paying attention. And I was pissed. If life were an episode of American Idol, than I was Simon. Everything was “just bloody awful.”

My anger was biting chunks out of my quality of life. I became painfully aware of what my anger cost me, but I couldn't cool my temper. I searched for a remedy. Drunken boxing proved a temporary solution. I also tried punching retards in the gut and sexing old ladies -- or vice versa. I forget. Anyway, that only helped some of the time, and then only for a little while. But I've finally found a remedy for my anger. It's more of a strategy, a way of life. I call it “Jujitsu for Life.”

How does one apply Jujitsu for Life? First, you have to identify the things that anger you. This should be easy because anger is not a subtle emotion, particularly when you cultivate it with alcohol and rumination, which I do. So it shouldn't be difficult to identify the things that anger you. I cannot stress enough the importance of clearly identifying you aggitators. Make a list.

Once you've enumerated your aggitators, you simply defang each by investing in its success. Instead of cursing it, hating it, fighting it, you position yourself in whatever manner benefits you when the thing manifests. I'll give you an example. I commute to work. I love my job. It affords me free time, ample pay and The Man is content to leave me to my own devices. I accepted the job 2 years and 3 months ago. A study of gasoline prices will reveal that the surge coincided with my accepting the job to the day. Remember, I commute. When I accepted the job, a gallon of gas was about $1.30. Now it's 3 bucks and climbing. For over two years I've been ripping my hair out as fuel prices have made a steady climb northward. Fretting over fuel prices, I have to reconsider the only job that's allowed me a semblance of salary, dignity and sanity.

I decided to stop being a victim. I'd been Big Oil's bitch long enough. It was time for my reach-around. So I opened a brokerage account and purchased stock in several oil companies and drillers. I don't need to tell you how they've fared these last few months. Now every time the pump lifts 50 bucks from my wallet, I reflect on the hundreds I've made on my oil stocks. Nowadays when I gas up, I smirk. Go ahead, Exxon. Fuck me hard! Daddy likes. Don't forget the reach-around, you oily cocksucker!

Now I read your blogs. I know a lot of you are fuming over that Exxon CEO who retired with a posh, $400 million retirement package. Hate him all you want. I love him. In fact, I'm going to kiss him on each one of his chins just to show it. Because for every 20 bucks he screws me out of at the pump, he ejaculates 5-fold into my portfolio. This is how you make capitalism work for you. Disclaimer: I'm not an investment professional. Equities investing involves substantial risk of loss. With that said, do yourself a favor and by a piece of Big Oil. Be the butt-fucker instead of the butt-fuckee for a change. It feels great.

Here's another tidbit, grasshopper. We parents know that children can be trying. Sometimes they refuse to listen. When they're not trying to torch the place, they're busy jamming their bicycle handlebars into your fender, layering the home with filth, uprooting the landscape or brandishing a BB gun. I used to get angry at my kids. How would you like that Nintendo DS up your ass? But no more. Now, every time they piss me off, I don't yell. I don't get angry. I simply withdrawal $50 from their college fund and buy myself “something nice.” Do you recall the G-Shock watch I posted a few weeks ago? Bingo.

Think of it as Jujitsu for Life: use the enemies' bodyweight against them. Every time they charge at you, parry, side-step, throw them into the air and give them a kick in the ass on the way by. Bruce Li advised his pupils to “be waw-tah, my friend.” He meant “be water: take the shape of your container.” I know sometimes the shape of life's container may seem like that of a urinal, but still, go with the flow.

Here are few more examples of Jujitsu for Life:

Angry at all the taxes you pay? Quit working for The Man and go on welfare. Let somebody else pick up your slack. Embrace the entitlement culture.. Hell, you paid for it. Turn that safety net into a hammock. Lie around all day in your underwear and scratch yourself wherever you please.

Tired of the home team losing every year? Bet a nominal amount against them. Either they'll start winning, or you'll make 20 bucks a pop! You win either way.

Sick of illegal immigration? Head down to Mexico and rack up a bunch of medical bills. Refuse to speak Spanish. “No hablo Espanol, Capitan!” Start a parade and demand equal rights. Wave an American Flag and tell them, indignantly, that you pick their fruit. (Incidentally, when immigrants remind me they pick my fruit, I thank them and ask them not to “pick” my hub caps, too. Those aren't rutabagas, ese. Their stock Chevy 17s.)

Vending machine ate your money? Do you think you're the only one? There's bound to be hundreds of poor bastards' money in that thing. Push it over. Bust it open and take it. Your loss is YOUR gain. You: 1 Life: 0

Politics pisses everybody off. But you don't need to get angry. Let's say you're a hippie liberal and you're still pissed about the election Bush “stole” in 2000 and the fact that nobody will have a reasonable discussion why we should legalize hemp. Let go the anger and cut a check to Greenpeace. Key an SUV. Toke a fatty and pose naked for that guy who photographs all those naked people. On the other hand, if you're a staunch conservative tired of all the “Buck Fush” bumper stickers, send some money to the NRA. Buy a Big Mac Combo Meal and throw the Styrofoam container at a baby seal. Key a hybrid. Look, I don't care where your politics lie. I just want you happy.

Car/computer/air conditioning/plumbing unit on the fritz? Consider becoming a technician specializing in one of the above. Did you ever notice the big smile on the plumber's face? It's possible he just sexed your wife, but more than likely he's counting the money in his head, sucker. Go to tech school. All the good college-level jobs are in India and China already. But you can make a killing if you link your success to the failure of a major appliance! Again, use your opponent's strength against him.

I could continue, but you get the idea. Now run along, grasshopper. Contemplate today's lesson. Purge your heart of anger and become one with the universe. Become a Child of Light. And most important, get your reach-around.

65 comments:

nongirlfriend said...

Always get your reach-around.

This is brilliant!

nongirlfriend said...

I meant the whole post, not just that part.

"AG" said...

I'm married and already have a plan B if it doesn't work out, but you don't mind if I pencil you in "just in case" do you?

Lyvvie said...

"Now every time the pump lifts 50 bucks from my wallet, I reflect on the hundreds I've made on my oil stocks. Nowadays when I gas up, I smirk. Go ahead, Exxon. Fuck me hard! Daddy likes. Don't forget the reach-around, you oily cocksucker!"

I don't know wether to call you a Hero or a Whore - but either way, I like your style.

tornwordo said...

Nice advice, though I've found that simply toking a fatty pretty much reduces my anger about everything.

PBS said...

I think you should be a commencement speaker! Bet the kids would listen up!

Amandarama said...

I have considered the "buying stock in Big Oil" plan, but for now I just make my friends drive me places under the auspices of needing a designated driver.

Bennet said...

Good advice, however I still prefer being a bit angry at times....Helps keep me in better shape...

Blogarita said...

Buy a Big Mac Combo Meal and throw the Styrofoam container at a baby seal.

I'm going to have to quit drinking coffee while I read your blog.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Everything was "just bloody awful".
I love it when you use that British accent...it's so damn sexy. ;)

Sorry...gotta run, the parade's starting...;)

NWJR said...

I'm thinking of BECOMING an oil executive. As a small business owner, I'm baffled by the economics of the awl bidness. I mean, come on, when my raw material costs rise, my profits DECREASE. These guys are paying more than ever for raw crude, and their profits INCREASE!

It's some mixed-up, muddled-up, messed-up world. If I can figure out their secret, y'all will be my beotch.

Weary Hag said...

I got a piece of this reach-around you speak of. I got so fed up with reading brochures and signs in Spanish that I volunteered at a local Lit Vol chapter and tutored English to freshy arrived immigrants who couldn't say word one yet. I didn't make any money but it also didn't cost me a red dime.
Sure I'm only one person but I now feel justified in my beef with no-speaky-da-english.

At least now when I see the signs and pamphlets in a language other than English, I can rest assured that there are 5 Bulagarians, three Taiwanese and about six immies from Dominican Replublic who have at least learned how to order a pizza and to thank me in my own fuckin tongue.

Cool post.

Peter said...

Jujitsu for life rules Man.
Hate the Banks and their BIG profits? buy some bank shares!!!

Frap Gurl said...

HAHAHA! I bought a super cool mp3 player yesterday with mad memory! I told the lil' bastages it came outta their(as they put it) child support! HAHAHA! GOTT 'EM back for smoking the ganja! HA! TOld em to put that in their blunts and smoke it!

bornfool said...

Finally, a philosophy and way of life I can embrace.
I tend to cultivate my anger with alcohol and rumination, as well. But no longer, starting today I'm going to demand my reach around. I feel better already.

Webmiztris said...

that's it - I'm quitting my job and living off of welfare! thanks, bugs butt!!

PlatinumGirl said...

I LOVED this! It's changed my life.

P.S. Never heard the term C-bombs before, but it might come in quite handy. Thanks!

Pittchick said...

Good Stuff. I oughta get angry more often so that I can find amusing ways to exact my revenge.

Nölff said...

I'd like to slap Lee Raymonds chins.
It would probably be like slappin' a waterbed.

Blonde Vigilante said...

I haven't laughed that hard all day. Thank you. No, how do you deal with lawyers and doctors that charge way to much money. Do you become a plumber and over charge them? hmmmm......

Laurie said...

(furiously scribbling as I drink from my BubbaKeg)

Ok..Ok....go...on...welfare...scratch self....all...day....

Ok...got it!

~Deb said...

OMG! You're going to live to be 120 yrs old with that attitude. People who are angry or get their shorts all up in a bunch over things that cannot be controlled will either suffer a heart attack or stroke. Alcohol helps of course, but we'll stick to the anger management part of it.

Great post, great tips! And I am so glad that someone can rationalize rather than lash out thinking the world owes them something.

Bravo!!!

keda said...

brilliant as usual.

i have no idea what a reach-around is though.

but what do i do when the college fund hits the minus mark? and what about when i'm angry at myself for my stupidity?

i'm off to steal the car thats blocking my door. its a gift after all*

jadedprimadonna said...

Brilliant! This idea could be the beginning of a self-help book that would make you millions.

Are you sure I don't need this notebook with this list of names?

DogGirl said...

Pulling the drumsticks off the grasshopper makes him use his own body weight against himself.

And they're a tasty 2am snack!

212designs said...

you are fucking amazing,
and you can stay.
you get it,..
and you make it look good.

thank you! LOL

Barry S. said...

Nice philosophy! And, if you've kept your ledger, you can start a TV show about a guy who crosses things/names off his list to make him a better person.

Edgy Mama said...

o, you're cute, aren't you?

SHELTONSFAMILY said...

GOOD JOB. THANKS

Miss Sassy said...

I've been researching where to invest some money... the home team, oil companies, and my own bank weren't on the list somehow!

Thanks for the reach around tips!!

Jon said...

"Because for every 20 bucks he screws me out of at the pump, he ejaculates 5-fold into my portfolio...'"

Creepy, but high five.

ramblings said...

Oh thank You Sinsay!!

You will live to a right nice old age.

"bloody awful" I like that one too, but my favorite's when he says "Completely and Utterly ridiculous"

Jenni said...

My reach around has something to do with an addiction to Starbucks and their god-damned five dollar frappucinos.

Bastards.

blah said...

Where does the line start forming for the reach around?

Yet another hilarious post and quite the perspective you have there LBB.....I like it ALOT!

sikamikanico said...

It's a pity that you like your job; otherwise, you could be encouraged to quit, write books full of this stuff, and make lots of money from the sad people who didn't read it when it was on your blog for free.

janestarr said...

Hmmm, my hippie, everybody-love-the world-and-don't-take-advantage values are having a seizure, too much jujitzu reeking havoc and stroking the feel good vibes...may have to buy stocks...add to greedy capitalistic society...give up on dream of socialist nation....*spasm*

Teaspoon said...

I like the vending machine solution, I hate it when those damn things take my money and sit there. Damn modern conveniences.

CP said...

I think I love you.

Marry me?

CP.

As always... Rachael said...

I didn't read the whole thing... I had to interrupt to tell you that your big oil investment advice was hilarious... and the disclaimer? Ihaven't laughed that hard at a blog in a long time!

As always... Rachael said...

Hi I'm back... I was hopig your email was available through your profile... it's not. But mine is... so email me so I can give you the low down on the rental property I'm about to sell. I trusted that property was a good investment becuase "they" say so... now I know why.

I want to share my insight becuase I didn't have any one to help me make sense pf the real estate math... it a differnet kind of math! Just emnail me so I can tell you how to turn 3,000 into 25,000 in four years... without subscribing to some info-mericial nin-cum-poopery! (I know that's your word, but I changed the spelling!)

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Fuckin brilliant.

Laura said...

To-date the biggest chunk I take out of "The Man" is honing my Spider Solitaire skills on the clock as a mental hygeine thing... guess I need to expand my horizons.

Dave Morris said...

What if you're mad at prostitutes and how they, being The Man in this instance, are "screwing" the public? How do I still get my reach-around there, bug?

God damn it, I've had too much to drirnk aggainn.

poopie said...

I see a TV show in your future..."My name is LBB"

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Are you by any chance the guy next to me at air conditioning school?

crestfallendespairacy said...

great Post!

http://sempiternallypreternatural.blogspot.com/

Lil Bit said...

Thx for visiting me!

and, from LB to LBB ~ Thx for the lil Life Lesson

*poising hands for a jujitsu chop*!!!
(& mebbe a lil reach-around) LOL ;)

Oh great One said...

We just had the Air Conditioning repair guy here this morning! I didn't get sexed either. That smile must have been because of my money either that or he's gay. He did spend a lot of time with CCB....

Attila The Mom said...

Fabulous list LB! Put a huge smile on my face. :-)

BlogLaughs said...

I read this the other day, but I must have missed the line about throwing a styrofoam container at a baby seal. That's just priceless. :)

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phlegmfatale said...

nah - the a/c guy/plumber just sexed your bank account, baby!

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