4/21/2006

Latest research proves sky isn't falling

Every time I open the newspaper some "researcher" is predicting the next thing that's going to kill us and ruin the planet. Ironically, researchers have been polluting the planet with their doomsday scenarios for 40 years -- without proof -- and I'm tired of it. This week the sun will kill you. Last week, it was trans-fats (what are those, anyway? Fats in drag?). We're running out of oil. The air and water are poisoned. The population explosion ensures epidemic disease and starvation (that one came out 40 years ago! Now we're too fat!). The internal-combustion engine is destroying the planet. The ozone layer is disintegrating from cow farts.

Bullshit.

I'd like to see a study that forces all the "doomsday researchers" onto Prozac to see if we can pull them out of their misanthrope-induced rants. They've got to be the most neurotic people of all. They make Woody Allen seem well-adjusted and optimistic. And we're all the Sun Yi's because they're trying to fuck us. Everything they research becomes the thing that's going to kill us all and destroy the planet. So they advocate taking it away from us. Given that, why doesn't one of them research Reality Programming? There's a public enemy I can learn to hate! Also, Glade Plug-ins.

Researchers: Take a pill already! Or do pills destroy the ozone, now?

Researchers have been flatulating cataclysmic predictions for the last 40 years. Meanwhile, life just keeps getting better. Why haven't we seen any studies predicting cable television or the Internet? What about historic economic growth and prosperity? How about that jim-dandy I-Pod? What about the technological breakthrough known as "Gogurt?" Yogurt in a tube! I would have liked heads-up on that one. Where were the research guys on Gogurt?

The next time a researcher tries to convince you the planet is coming to end because you ordered a Big Mac, tell them to save a tree and wipe their ass with their"research paper."

32 comments:

As always... Rachael said...

Hip hip hooray!! Does this mean that smoking and drinking are healthy form of rebellion? Or am I still just a stooge paying needless sin-taxes and killing myself in the process?

nongirlfriend said...

Happy Earth Day.

Haha.

No, I'm all about saving the earth.

I just don't find the time to recycle. Is that bad?

Lyvvie said...

I hate Glade Plug-ins too. They always stink. The previous owners of our house plugged one in upside down and the hot oil scalded the carpet. Twats. That stuff burned into synthetic carpet fiber is what put the hole in the ozone - they just nodded and pointed at the cows instead to distract blame from themselves.

I still say it's all Nostradamus's fault - the jackass.

tornwordo said...

We're all going to die. Of something. Sometime. Who the fuck cares how? Although I do believe in not shitting in one's bed, so in that respect I think it's important to take care of the earth.

Anyway, everything is just current wisdom as you pointed out, it will change.

StringMan said...

Now that you say it, I realise that my cubemate at work has been flatulating cataclysmic odors on regular basis. Not good for me or the ever-so-fragile-you-can-harm-it-with-a-thought enviroment. Thanks for helping me put a name to it.

Brianne said...

you should make copies of that and send them out as memos to every environmentalist group in the world. maybe it'll calm 'em down...

poopie said...

Peace out, dude. Researchers now say that every rant blogged increases life span by six months. You and I should live to be 125 :)

Leesa said...

I love this post :)

Amandarama said...

The next time a researcher tries to convince you the planet is coming to end because you ordered a Big Mac, tell them to save a tree and wipe their ass with their"research paper."

Wise words that are just in time for Earth Day.

NWJR said...

Author! Author!

luckysevn said...

Cow Farts. I can't figure out how the hell you always manage to be so darn funny!
Let's see - in my lifetime, I should have been scalded to death by acid rain, stung to death by killer bees, spontaneously combusted from the gaping hole in the ozone, succumbed to the flu about 29 times, and now... well, now it just looks like Death By KFC thanks to avian flu....

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, okay, but if your next fart smothers me, I'm comin' after you.

Riss said...

So....

Does that mean I can get rid of this stockpile of water, band-aids and SPAM I've had for 7 years?

Let me know because I'm hungry.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

"trans-fats (what are those, anyway? Fats in drag?)" Bwah hah hah ha!

The rest of the post was good, too. Hello, btw

Anonymous said...

dont be talkin bad bout no Gogurt.

phlegmfatale said...

damned skippy! oh, and that don't pick my hubcaps on the last post was straight-up classic, ese!

jules said...

Gogurt...just unnatural I tell you.

Webmiztris said...

yeah! you tell 'em, bugs butt! :)

Bennet said...

Good point...

Another study reports that researchers don't get laid very often because ejaculation also destroys our ozone by reproducing and filling our planet with more useless people doing pointless studies.

Peter said...

Some sound advice there Bugs.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Yeah, you forgot about "global warming". Effin killjoys.

Jenni said...

Pffftttt, Ozone schmozone. We're all a bunch of consumer bastards digging our own grave anyway. Sure, I'd like to see the world last a little longer, and I DO feel bad for all the cute little animals that are suffering because of our incessant waste, but lets be real here. Big business has been groomed for overconsumption. Afterall, the plastic that houses our Gogurt has to go somewhere...right?

ME said...

--raising glass-- HERE HERE!

The Persian said...

I am so sick of my mother calling me saying things like.. Oh don't use plastic in the micro they say it releases deadly gases, or don't wrap your food in foil, it causes Alzheimers. Then I get to her house and she's puttiing a ziplock bag in the micro..

ME: Mom plastic in the micro?.. remember what you said?

MOM: Oh, well they discovered it wasn't true, but I just heard that....


drives me insane sometimes.

KB said...

LBB--Again, you rock my world.

I'm wiping the tears of laughter as I type this.

*thinks: cow farts.*

CaCaBoy said...

I think there should be a three researcher minimum during hunting season! Or maybe free whacks-at-the-quacks day as part of a baseball stadium bat giveaway promotion!

Elaine said...

You know what's funny? The earth is probably just recycling itself of it's biggest parasite. US. after we're gone, the world will keep on spinning with less drama.

Miss Sassy said...

Cow Farts.
I read the only book I could find the week I moved at 11 yrs old - 50 ways to save the planet - we then drove up the entire state of California and at every dairy and slaughter farm I would think "they don't know they are killing the earth with their stanky butts!" and then see a Burger King and think "mmm... lunch!"
So glad I've finally found my clan!! Who knew LBB would string us together...

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Dave Morris said...

Funny stuff Bug!

Look, humans are going to be extinct anyway, we're lazy, inconsiderate, self-centered fucks. Might as well just do whatever we want while we can!