4/07/2006

May contain one or more of the following:

Often the ingredients list on the nutritional label read "May contain one or more of the following." May contain? That's awfully nonchalant. I don't know if I want to eat the food if the factory lost track of what the hell they threw in there! Generally speaking, I want whoever prepares my food to be fairly damn certain what he put in it. Hazzard a guess, fellas. What did you inject into my Ding Dong? It's a matter of quality control. How can you be sure there aren't any insect feces or human fingers in my food if you can't even be sure whether you added the salt? Why not cover your butts, fellas? May contain one or more of the following: shards of glass, shavings of steel, rat droppings, machine oil, pencil lead, plutonium, Jimmy Hoffa, and Yellow #5.

Imagine having surgery and the doctor gives you a list of organs he may remove. How about the auto mechanic? "Yeah. Look, pal. I changed the oil, rotated the tires -- and I may have fixed your brakes. You'll just have to find out on your drive home." And of course, there's foreign policy analysts. Warning -- Iraq may contain one or more of the following: mustard gas, nerve agent, fissile material, al-Qaeda, Dictatorial Douche Bags, Yanni DVDs.

Here's another phrase you see in ingredient labels that puzzles me. Reconstituted. If they reconstituted it, that means they had to break it down in the first place. First they're breaking it down, then they're putting it back together and hopefully getting the same thing they started with. It seems like an awful lot of work for nothing. It's awfully obsessive, especially for people who aren't even paying attention to what ingredients they're using in the first place. Instead of all this reconstituting nincompoopery, just leave the food in the state it was in the first place. I'll bet it'll taste better.

39 comments:

Elaine said...

Whenever you use the word "nincompoopery" it brings out the flavor in your blog. Love it.

Yanni DVDS! LOL!. Watch out though..Yanni throws a mean left hook from what I hear.

Firsties on the comments too! That's right. Whu whu!

hmm it IS friday night....maybe I shouldn't celebrate being such a loser. :D

LiVEwiRe said...

I've always wondered about that; I mean, what about those with allergies? Or those that just don't want to eat human fingers and chips of lead based paint. A personal favorite of mine is 'May contain natural or artificial ingredients'. Uh, thanks for the heads up... like there's a third option?!

DogMa said...

You bring up some good points...

There is jackassery between the lines of the nutritional information label I fear.

tornwordo said...

What did you inject into my Ding Dong?

That made me think of this video:

http://www.totallycrap.com/media/theperfectpenis/

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

I think "Nincompoopery" may be right up there with "Squeegee." It just needs a silly British accent to top it off.

Your mind is a magical thing. =D

nongirlfriend said...

"Ooh, Yanni!"

Bug's Butt, your brilliance never ceases to amaze me.

ellen said...

Nincompoopery is a great word. I enjoyed this post.

Jenni said...

My favorite is when they "mechanically seperate" shit. Like mechanically seperated chicken parts.
Oh, and "polyunsaturated." Seriously? How many times can you unsaturate something?

Amber Lynn said...

Ah- are you making a case for organic food? :)

Kelly said...

Great Blog!! Your post of today is the very reason why when I'm tempted to eat something from a can~~ I never, ever read the labels.

nin·com·poop:A silly, foolish, or stupid person.
[Origin unknown.
nincom·pooper·y n.

I knew that nincompoop was a word, but was doubtful about the nincompoopery context. Dang, you learn something new everyday. Thank You! ;)

Heather said...

That "may contain" statement has always bothered me too.

NWJR said...

It's been a long time since you've used "douchebag" in a post. Who had April 7 in the betting pool? :-)

Kelly said...

I believe the FDA allows a certain percentage of bug guts/rat droppings in food. Don't think about it too much, you may stop eating completely.

Also, my particular favorite is when they list "high fructose corn syrup" followed by "sucrose". Just say "sugar, sugar and more sugar"!

KB said...

It's a little like picking what's behind door #3. Who knows what you'll end up with!

It keeps us on our toes LBB!

I almost fell on the floor about the ding dong and the brakes.

My mom liked it too--of course. ;-)

standing said...

It wouldn't be such a bad idea if people had "MAY CONTAIN" warnings on the back of their can:

"MAY CONTAIN ABANDONMENT ISSUES, HERPES AND A TENDENCY TO WET THE BED."
" MAY CONTAIN A FRAGILE EGO. IF EMPLOYED BY THIS PRODUCT PLAY DUMB"
"MAY CONTAIN ARTIFICIAL COLORING"....etc.

A girl can dream.*

Galt-In-Da-Box said...

"May contain" sounds like a universal ass-cover/disclaimer.
Truth is (as we now know) the shit's made by a bunch of fucks who can't/won't even speak the freaking language, so ...Hell, they may have diced up little Rodrigo for narking about a dope deal and tossed the pieces of his ass into the 500-gallon chili pot just to hide the evidence.
Limitless possibilities.

DayByDay4-2Day said...

I think you should go into politics!

Weary Hag said...

This comment may contain one or more of the following: correct spelling, appreciation of a fine post, complete agreement on content of fine post, and incredibly witty words. Can you guess which is missing?

jules said...

You always make me shake my head and wonder WHY I keep coming back?

Amandarama said...

The whole "may contain one or more of the following" is a lame attempt to get out of a lawsuit in case someone has an allergic reaction to the product. Some idiot on the other side of the building eating a peanut and forgetting to wash his hands before making the Ding Dong is enough to get some ambulance chasing douche of a lawyer turgid over the possibility of a big settlement. And, so, we have dumb disclaimers on ingredient lists.

gusgreeper said...

i think i started a post with may contain once and it was about ass surgery and i think people thought it would be about something rad and NOT ass surgery. it is NEVER good when something starts with may contain. not EVER.

Nettie said...

Yellow number five? They ground up SpongeBob in there?

As always... Rachael said...

I think they turn things like eggs into dust so they can store ingredients indefinitely. Eggs are high-maintenance and we can't have anyone getting salmonella. Spiders and silverfish, on the other hand, that's good eatin'!

blah said...

I literally spit out my water when I read Yanni DVD's "may" be in Iraq.

Hilarious post....I'll be back!

Peter said...

May contain....... Jimmy Hoffa.. surely Jimmy has been all used up by now?

Jill said...

Actually, surgeons will do that. "If I happen to run across your appendix I will remove it...." It happens! Sometimes they just take it out and tell you later.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey, whatever they're injecting into ding dongs, they just need to keep doin' it, okay? They're yummy...:)

Lyvvie said...

I hate reading "May contain traces of nuts as it was prepared in a factory that manufactures nut products." on my peanut butter. I fucking hope it contains more then just a trace of nuts, ok!

Oh great One said...

I never thought of it that way! Have I mentioned that I've nominated you for president?

Tiffanie said...

Funny - oh and by the way, you have nice arms!

Wild Blue said...

Ha ha! love it! Nutritional listings and ingredient listings can be pretty damn vague sometimes thats for sure. I also enjoy labels that say things such as "New and Improved!". Get with the program fellas, it can't be new and improved it's either one or the other! I like your blog, it's funny, I'll be sure to come back

Edgy Mama said...

Standing, brilliant. A post for sure.

Mine would read: May contain nuts, a tendency towards drama, and a hairball or two.

Webmiztris said...

lmao...I love this post!

Bennet said...

Yeah...I've othen wondered the same thing.

I mean, what if we stood up for once, and there was some way we could take back our money we used to purchase these products?..Then we could mail them back bags of pennies, with a note that reads:"Reconstituted payments"

Frap Gurl said...

Yellow number 5 is in Iraq..(Special)Opps, I mean.. oops... I blended some paragraphs... damn these pills!

mwp said...

This post may have contained an indirect reference to Bo and Luke Duke.

Toni said...

Yeah, I've always wondered about that "may contain" warning as well. Seriously, the way they say it, ANYTHING can be in my Cheetos!

Ari said...

"What did you inject into my Ding Dong?"

Now there's a morning-after line if ever there was one. ;)

Junebugg said...

I knew you were looking out for us! Someone's gotta keep corperate American in line and your the best man I know of!