4/04/2006

Pumping gas

I never know how to spend the spare time I have while pumping gas. Once you set the trigger lock, you have a good 45 seconds or so to yourself. You can't run errands because you don't have your car. You don't have time to walk anywhere and with today's gas prices, you wouldn't have the money to do much once you got there, anyway. Add up all those 45-second intervals you've burned at the pump. What a shame! To think how many more reruns of Friends I could have watched!

Has the gasoline pump ever tried to talk with you? I've had that experience once It frightened me. I felt like that kid on The Sixth Sense. I hear gas pumps.
"Sir, pull the lever. You need to pull the lever. Sir, the lever: pull it down and the pump will work."
At first, I stared in wonderment at the pump. How does it even know I'm trying to pump the gas? Is there an evil spirit inside the tank or something? But after a while my fear yielded to anger. I threatened to dowse the station in gasoline and set it afire. That shut up the robot or evil spirit or Gary Coleman or whoever the hell was hiding in that pump.

I always feel sorry for that one guy with the Winnebago. He's got a lot of time to kill when he's filling up. He could probably eat a sandwich while he was waiting, if he didn't mind eating with the gas fumes. If I were fueling a Winnebago, I'd sneak inside it and take a nap. I wonder if the bed still works when the Winnebago is out of gas.

Sometimes I consider checking my oil and tire pressure. But I'm too lazy and it's too dirty. I wait for the lights in my dashboard to tell me when to perform vehicular maintenance. They call them idiot lights – because you're an idiot if you don't trust them. They don't lie. Cars don't lie, people. You know that guy behind you? He really is closer than he appears. And his handgun is a larger caliber than it appears, too. Hey, those of you who hate the President should call idiot lights "George Bush Lights." That would make a swell bumper sticker.

If you drive a really cool sports car, standing around and doing nothing is fine. Gassing up is all part of the show. Throw some gel in your hair. Don your Members Only jacket and hit the pump, sexy. But if you're still driving a Chevy Citation, you might consider hiding your face behind a magazine or dunking it in the squeegee tank.

I'm in my mid-30s and I still haven't learned how to operate a squeegee. I've tried "cleaning" my windshield with the squeegee. When I finish it looks like somebody took a "squeegee" on my window. Incidentally, I think some patrons take a squeegee in the squeegee tank. The squeegee tank holds a vile concoction. I've used outhouses with cleaner fluid in the crapper.

I don't understand squeegees. The windshield is curved, but the squeegee is straight. That's the problem. Have you ever dated somebody with curved genitalia? Those freaks belong in the circus! Moving parts need to have the same shape as neighboring parts. Somebody tell the Squeegee Factory that! And those freaks with curved cooters and peckers.

Man, I just realized that "squeegee" is one funny goddamn word. Squeegee. Try to say "squeegee" out loud without smiling. If you can pull that off, you're one cold-hearted bastard, my friend. I think I'll make "squeegee" my new punch word. I've been getting a lot of mileage from "cooter." Cooter is a funny word. But I have to give the nod to "squeegee." I wonder if anybody has used "squeegee" as a synonym for "cooter." If somebody is going around calling cooters "squeegees" I want to know about it. I think I just unearthed my doctoral thesis.

45 comments:

Bennet said...

Yeah....I know.

Usually I get pretty bored pumping gas myself, and it takes every bit of my intelligence to remind myself not to smoke.

Since I'm in Louisiana I know better than to use the squeegee since it offers as a tempting place for spitters...

Worse thing about pumping gas for me is that I still don't have the no leak method mastered when pulling out the nozzel..hmmmm, that reminds me of something else very simular.

jules said...

I personally try to entertain the person inside watching me on survelliance by dancing, picking my nose, or some other strange and odd behavior. And I love the curved genetallia. It hits just the right spot in my cooter. Bring on the freaks.

tornwordo said...

Good observation about the straight edge for a curved surface. There just might be a million dollar idea there. Get thee to thy garage, fashion one up, patent it, and wait for the bucks to roll in.

Frap Gurl said...

I have gotten hit on at many a gas pump..hehe.. Good place to size things up too, right there for several reasons...

Blogarita said...

Tornwordo is missing out on some major bucks. Like curved genitalia, a curved squeegee can't be one-size-fits-all. You'd have to have a separate squeegee for every make and model of car. Plus a generic one that never really works right, but people buy it because it's cheaper than the others. Ah, now we're talking about some dough.

NWJR said...

They don't allow pump locks in New York for this very reason. You don't want to give anyone in New York 45 seconds of extra time...you never know what they might do.

PBS said...

Squeegee is a useful word: I have a co-worker who's a real squeegee. Or maybe squeegee bucket would be more appropriate.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I knew my Members Only jacket was going to come back in style! Booolya baby.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

THe PK insists on squeegeeing my windshield when we stop to fill up with gas...and there have been times when I could've sworn someone had to had vomited in that water....it smelled so HORRID! I keep telling him it's going to eat the paint off the Tahoe but he just won't listen!!!

nongirlfriend said...

I just slop that watery shit on my windshield and turn on the wipers. Which never seem to work correctly, either.

P.S. I love gas fumes. Explains a whole lot.

Elaine said...

Ahhh the "Member's Only Jacket"... did we ever figure out what you'd be a "member" OF, when donning this jacket?

my guess? The Douchebaggery Society. ;D

Jenni said...

First of all, "Shuttle-Cock" is much more funny than squeegee. The other day I was at the gym and there were these two older men playing badmitton in the gymnasium. I didn't even have to SAY shuttle-cock and it made me smile...just thinking about saying it. Now, THAT'S funny.

Secondly, those lights DO lie to you. My "check engine" light has lied to me in the past and has currently been lying to me for over a month now. Unless the fucker is sitting on the side of the road with smoke pouring out of its hood I'm not going in to have a mechanic look at me and tell me nothing is wrong. Althought I do kinda feel bad...because I really like my car. Damn conscience.

PlatinumGirl said...

That empty 45 seconds is the reason a lot of those pumps have little TVs now -- to beat you over the head with commercials!

Video X said...

i do all kinds of shit when i'm pumping gas. once, some worker turned off the pump because i was inside my car...she tried to tell me all that hogwash about static electricity...haha...it's fun to be an elec engr and then listen to somebody tell me i could catch on fire and die from static electricity. if i die that way, i pretty much believe it was definitely my time. sometimes i go in the store while the gas is pumping and use the bathroom, get coffee, whatever. i hate wasting that time...its really boring. if only i could be daring enought to light up at the pump..i'd have it all covered.

squeegee is an awesome word.

LaunderLust said...

I like to take the 45 seconds to cry. It's very cathartic and people don't bother you at all!

Molicious said...

Dude, are you high? LOL

Tiffanie said...

I just happened upon your blog. Very funny. I'll come back for more...

Phain said...

*giggle giggle* I thought I was the only one who still uses the word "cooter."

SugarHigh said...

Hey, your right, "squeegee" is quite the fun word. LOL!

Speaking of gas pumping, I don't get to do that anymore. Nope, I live in the land of full service gas stations and jug-handles. If you don't know what a jug-handle is you've never been victim...i mean lived in NJ.

Loved this post by the way. :) i balance my check book while waiting for my pump to be filled. It's loads fun.

Oh great One said...

I guess I am one cold-hearted bastard. I didn't even crack a smile. Now curved cooters and Peckers. That makes me smile!

It's Me, Maven... said...

You just *HAD* to bring up Members Only jackets, didn't you?

My WASband evolved into a rather disgusting sack of assorted nasty habits, the least of which was his booger disposal. Oh, he was a CHRONIC noseminer. Some days I'd find them on the paper coffee cup from 7-11. Other days, the underside of my keyboard tray. I loathed laundry day, as one of his most surreptitious booger grave yards were the pockets of his Members Only jacket.

We're talking totally spackled, BOOGER STUCCO as it were. TOTAL.

Mind you this was the least offensive thing he'd do...

Now if you'll excusez-moi, I need to suppress and repress those memories...

Edgy Mama said...

Squeegee, squeegee, squeegee.

Go buy some beer while the damn pump's running.

Chad said...

Ah, proof yet again that the best genius is found after midnight.

Peter said...

I can only suggest you stop breathing in so much of the gas fumes Bugs, it seems to be gettin' to ya.

Miss Sassy said...

I've missed reading you LBB!!!!

I was smiling WAY before 'squeegee' my friend... but now I look like an idiot with the goofy ear to ear grin that keeps the hysterical laughter back so the interviewee in the lobby doesn't think I'm not working my cooter off getting her a job =)

Snooze said...

I love the squeegee option at gas stations. In winter it's the only chance to get all the snow and salt off the car on a long drive.

Love the image of you wondering about the talking gas pump. That's why I like full service stations.

KB said...

So LBB what's up with the pump posts?

I did one a while back about pumps.

Is there more to the pumps than we know?

Blond Girl said...

What I love are the pumps that demand money before they'll put out. Whores!

The Doggy Did It said...

Speaking of Bumper stickers...I have an idea for one..

"if you knew how to drive, my kids would not know so many cuss words"

I am thinking about having them printed, but, the people who I want to see this are typically in front of me!



*Patent Pending*

J~

Latigo Flint said...

Oh how it rambled, but Lord it went places too, and those places were good, and I was ever so glad you took me.

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

Ummmm... I think that my SQUEEGEE just squirted a little from laughing so hard! (And, yes, I do my Keigel exercises... almost constantly!)

Becky said...

LMAO, you're a fucking trip!

What to do at the gas pump.... I agree can't squeegee b/c of the filthy water. My mom always squeegees her windshield though.... no wonder it's always so dirty.

Dave Morris said...

The pumps are the aliens, who are taking over the world while we stand there staring at them, trying to get the total amount up to the next even dollar.

Spinning Girl said...

I usually wash just my lights with the squeegee, and then if time remains I investigate my curved genitalia (out of view of the surveillance camera, of course).

J's Mommy said...

squeegee's are great for glass shower doors!

Webmiztris said...

I almost always use the squeegee while I wait...

Just like with the curved genitalia, you get used to how to operate it with a little practice. ;)

Squeegee IS a weird word. But it comes in handy if you're writing a song about the Bee-Gees and you need something to rhyme it with.

Memphis Steve said...

I can't see calling a cooter a squeegee. It just doesn't work for me. I could see squeegee being a threat, though. "I'll squeegee your face off, you cooter!" That would work.

I spend my time pumping gas checking out the hot chicks with their new red convertible Mustanges that Daddy bought them for their sweet 16th birthday. I like to watch them slam their doors on their clothes and drive off dragging it down the street. I don't know why. I also like to see who had a cool car and who has a shitbanger. And who is clearly posing. I mean, who the hell thinks about trying to impress the people at the gas station? But I see it all the time. Goofballs with no self-respect and no savings accounts, judging from the cars they're driving.

standing said...

I've got ZERO problem with curvey bits all up in my ...ahem...cooter.

Smitty said...

At least you have trigger locks. Florida really pisses me off sometimes.

Riss said...

"When I finish it looks like somebody took a "squeegee" on my window."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm still laughing....


By the way, I'm bent to the left. My elbow is. Curved.

actonbell said...

Funny post! My car's so tiny that it shouldn't take me any time at all, but half the time I get a pump that doesn't really want to operate properly. Oh! Maybe that's because I have a habit of parkin' it at the same pump. GONG.

Cheryl said...

Too funny! All of these thoughts seem to confirm that all those 45 seconds do add up to a lot of free time. Oh, and squeegees totally suck.

Ari said...

Yep, 'squeegee' is the new 'spooge' now.

Toni said...

Have you ever dated somebody with curved genitalia?

Oh yes. Yes, I have. It was weird at first, but you forget about it eventually. Then I realized he was a jerk and after a while we broke up. My roommates and I called him "bent dick" behind his back.

BayuFA said...

Hey just to let you know that yes I am promoting this but if you dont want to save at the pump then dont go to the site but I believe no matter who you are gas is just to expensive.

The goverment is using it and many other huge company's. This is not just some fly by night company or product. This is the real deal.