Has the gasoline pump ever tried to talk with you? I've had that experience once It frightened me. I felt like that kid on The Sixth Sense. I hear gas pumps.
"Sir, pull the lever. You need to pull the lever. Sir, the lever: pull it down and the pump will work."At first, I stared in wonderment at the pump. How does it even know I'm trying to pump the gas? Is there an evil spirit inside the tank or something? But after a while my fear yielded to anger. I threatened to dowse the station in gasoline and set it afire. That shut up the robot or evil spirit or Gary Coleman or whoever the hell was hiding in that pump.
I always feel sorry for that one guy with the Winnebago. He's got a lot of time to kill when he's filling up. He could probably eat a sandwich while he was waiting, if he didn't mind eating with the gas fumes. If I were fueling a Winnebago, I'd sneak inside it and take a nap. I wonder if the bed still works when the Winnebago is out of gas.
Sometimes I consider checking my oil and tire pressure. But I'm too lazy and it's too dirty. I wait for the lights in my dashboard to tell me when to perform vehicular maintenance. They call them idiot lights – because you're an idiot if you don't trust them. They don't lie. Cars don't lie, people. You know that guy behind you? He really is closer than he appears. And his handgun is a larger caliber than it appears, too. Hey, those of you who hate the President should call idiot lights "George Bush Lights." That would make a swell bumper sticker.
If you drive a really cool sports car, standing around and doing nothing is fine. Gassing up is all part of the show. Throw some gel in your hair. Don your Members Only jacket and hit the pump, sexy. But if you're still driving a Chevy Citation, you might consider hiding your face behind a magazine or dunking it in the squeegee tank.
I'm in my mid-30s and I still haven't learned how to operate a squeegee. I've tried "cleaning" my windshield with the squeegee. When I finish it looks like somebody took a "squeegee" on my window. Incidentally, I think some patrons take a squeegee in the squeegee tank. The squeegee tank holds a vile concoction. I've used outhouses with cleaner fluid in the crapper.
I don't understand squeegees. The windshield is curved, but the squeegee is straight. That's the problem. Have you ever dated somebody with curved genitalia? Those freaks belong in the circus! Moving parts need to have the same shape as neighboring parts. Somebody tell the Squeegee Factory that! And those freaks with curved cooters and peckers.
Man, I just realized that "squeegee" is one funny goddamn word. Squeegee. Try to say "squeegee" out loud without smiling. If you can pull that off, you're one cold-hearted bastard, my friend. I think I'll make "squeegee" my new punch word. I've been getting a lot of mileage from "cooter." Cooter is a funny word. But I have to give the nod to "squeegee." I wonder if anybody has used "squeegee" as a synonym for "cooter." If somebody is going around calling cooters "squeegees" I want to know about it. I think I just unearthed my doctoral thesis.