4/14/2006

Weekend Bullet-ins

  • The second-greatest gift Great Britain gave to America -- the first being a wonderful line of political thought -- is the character, Harry Potter. Thanks a million, JKR.
  • Everybody's wringing their hands over the collateral damage in Iraq. When we strike military targets, sometimes we injure or kill innocent civilians. This makes us “just as guilty.” But I'm not sure about that. How do we know the civilian bystanders were “innocent?” Maybe they were real assholes who could use some shrapnel in their back-sides. I was watching film footage of a recent air strike which allegedly killed a few civilians, but when the camera zoomed into the flaming car, I made out a bumper sticker that read “Bring Back Apartheid Now.” See? An asshole.
  • Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib make us a “nation of torturers” about as much as John Wayne Gacy and Richard Speck make us a nation of serial killers.
  • You know what the tent scene in Brokeback Mountain needed? A bobcat. Imagine that. Those two cowboys are gettin' it on, a drunken Earl passes by the tent, grabs an agitated bobcat by the scruff, tosses him in the tent and zips it shut. Oh, man. Hilarious. As a rule, gay sex and hunting cats go together like tube tops and trailer parks.
  • Caring and control are often inverse quantities.
  • How come you drop acid, do coke, pop pills and hit a joint -- but when you drink, you just drink? Drinking's pretty cool. It needs a cool, new verb to commensurate that. At least “imbibe” or something.
  • When somebody cuts us off in traffic, they're a consummate jerk. We curse them and fumble around the glove compartment for our pistol. But sometimes we have to cut somebody off. Our turn is coming. We check the mirror: no break in sight. We think “Sorry dude, I'm going to have to cut you off. It's not your lucky day.” We're so glib about it. That's the one nice thing about driving -- everybody is an idiot except me.
  • The constellations amaze me. Ancient people lay on a field, looked upward and depicted the constellations plotted into the night sky. Here's what amazes me: no dirty pictures. Come on! You mean to tell me that with a billion stars out there, nobody found a pair of boobs or a pecker? They didn't have frat houses back then? “Hey look, Dave. There's Orion's butthole.” “Is that a comet, or did Pegasus just take a squeegee?” “Whoa, if Aries is thinking what I think he's thinking, Virgo isn't going to be a virgin much longer!”
  • Sometimes when I'm at work, I chafe under the duress of the workday. I get to thinking about how I can live without working. I start bartering in my mind. “I really don't need to pay a mortgage. I can sell my house and rent a studio shithole. I don't need groceries. I can find food anywhere. I'll just hang around restaurants and hunt for unused portions of entrees. I don't need a car when I have a bike. I don' t need dates. Jerking off is free.” I start to brainstorm on any possible way I can eliminate or reduce my need for a paycheck. This mental exercise sustains me until I can punch the clock, go home and start drinking.
  • Have you ever been hungry and thirsty at the same time? I was yesterday. I gulped down some Mexican food and a carbonated soda so quickly that I created a depth-charge bolus. It detonated in my esophagus. It hurt.
  • I love dogs, but they're distrustful of us. Why do they always need to sniff you? It's like they're asking, “Just where have you been?” And they sniff the table scraps you hand them before they eat it. I always ask my dog, “What? Do you think I'm trying to poison you? Just eat it.”

39 comments:

Snooze said...

Good points. Now just to reassure you, although when we refer to drinking it usually is just drinking, you can also 'hit the bottle' or 'fall into your cups'.

Video X said...

yeah i'm not into the dog sniffing thing. i really dont like it when they lick me either. but most of all i find cats to be very annoying...i'm not sure why they think it's okay to just walk over and start rubbing themselves on me.

hmmm...drinking...i dont know about that. maybe ...punish my liver?

keda said...

sup. sup a cup. hit's also ok but its only the bottle... i'm off to sup some beer.

more intellectually one could try osmosify? not so catchy i admit.
on the second point i was in the throws of an update when you visited to include a story from berlin about some kurd who shot and killed their sister to defend their "honour" leaving their nephew motherless. definately not all innocent i would have to admit.

however many many are.

Oh great One said...

I don't see those pictures in the stars. You'd think with all that creativity there WOULD be some more "interesting" constellations!

nongirlfriend said...

Actually, dogs are too trustful of us. Which is why so many of them stay with their abusers (the ones not chained up, that is). Cats just get the fuck away.

"Have a drink"
"I think I'll have a beer"
"I'll have the Grey Goose, please"
"Pleash, don't bottherr mommee while sheeth having a cocktail."

There, glad I could help.

NWJR said...

"I don' t need dates. Jerking off is free."

My new mantra. Thanks, LBB!

"AG" said...

"but when the camera zoomed into the flaming car, I made out a bumper sticker that read “Bring Back Apartheid Now.” See? An asshole."

Gold.

standing said...

I believe the term you may be looking for is
POUND:" Let's go pound a couple beers". ( Thus getting hammered. )
KNOCK BACK: "We're going to knock back a few drinks at the titty bar. You in?"

Both pretty forceful sounding, really.

Also, Orion's Belt and his Sword?!?! Totally not a sword, I mean come on, how Disney of them.

Debi said...

Only Matt Lauer is GLIB. I'm an ass just like everyone else.

Painter Beach Girl said...

"Caring and control..."

...are so much the same. People try to control a situation or another person and try and pull it off as "caring" but all they care about what it does for themselves and how they feel or how they think it will make others feel about them. Bogus.

As for the other stuff, funny and good for a Friday night break from working...

CaCaBoy said...

I too play the I don't need to work game. I hope to score a retirement from Powerball!

Painter Beach Girl said...

Hey, maybe if you start leaving comments on every single one of your commenter's comment sections on their blogs, they will buy your book....and if it is anything like your blog, then it might be worth a read! Hmmm, good idea, huh?

"AG" said...

I just linked you.

Attila The Mom said...

I just love your random thoughts!

tornwordo said...

Love all these. The caring and control one was perfection by the way.

I have that same no working fantasy.

jules said...

"everybody is an idiot except me"
I've been saying this for years...I expect some royalties bug.

Elaine said...

The constellations amaze me. Ancient people lay on a field, looked upward and depicted the constellations plotted into the night sky. Here's what amazes me: no dirty pictures. Come on! You mean to tell me that with a billion stars out there, nobody found a pair of boobs or a pecker? "

"But I'm not sure about that. How do we know the civilian bystanders were “innocent?” Maybe they were real assholes who could use some shrapnel in their back-sides."

It's like you're in MY HEAD LBB.

Scheriously.

Stop it.

StringMan said...

I don't have dogs, but I do have cats. One of them has this annoying habit of immediately licking her fur wherever I rub her, then immediately licking her ass! Kind of like saying "Hey, even my ass tastes better than you, pal." Or maybe her ass is like a cleansing sorbet to her?

Webmiztris said...

I don't "drink". I "get hammered". It has a nice ring to it... :)

Cats do that dog thing too - where they sniff everything before they eat it. Same thing when we pick them up - they struggle like, "no! i'm know you're going to throw me down the steps this time - even though you're never done that before in the past!" 'tards...

Frap Gurl said...

LBB, you can slam a drink!

Collateral damage shit... AENEMA's come in all forms...and if it's the US military...let 'em flush all the shit!~ Stealing from a (Tool)song.. Learn to swim fucka's!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, yeah, but when I cut somebody off I don't get them the finger. At least I'm nice about it, see.

Weary Hag said...

I dedicated an entire post to the science behind why dogs sniff each other's ass and why they sniff people who walk into their territory.

We humans live by "I'll believe it when I see it" whereas dogs live by "I'll believe it when I smell it." If you rub beef gravy on your dog's favorite chew toy, he will stop, sniff ... hesitate. You may as well have just given him a tab of D25. You have fucked him up. He is seriously thinking "why does this steak look like my chew toy?" And not "why does my chew toy smell like steak." Seriously. One of those fucktard science labs sorted this shit all out back in the 70s when they had nothing else to do with their time. I know this because my tax dollars paid them to.

So if you have your own pet and walk into a house with a dog, he's sniffing you and thinking "why does this dog (or cat) look like a person?" He's first trusting his predomindent sense.

When he smells another dogs ass, he is not smelling ass, he's investigating a pile of shit.

Great. Now I've forgotten everything else you posted about.

Forgive?

It's Me, Maven... said...

I love this post. It reminds me of an old Carlin bit regarding idiots and assholes we encounter while driving. The ones who are slow are always the idiots, and the ones who blast past us are the assholes... hysterical bit, and wonderful post!

Have a happy Easter if you're celebrating, Mr. Bugsbutt!

Peter said...

Hi Bugs, you can always go and Suck down a drink, or if you prefer Knock down a drink.

Edgy Mama said...

"Imbibe" is already overused. And if you delve into the stories behind the constellation names, you'll find sex, adultery, incest, bestiality, etc., etc.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hey! How'd you know everyone was an indiot except for me...you been driving in my town? So why didn't you stop by? We could've gone dumpster diving over at Taco Bobs to fix our Mexican craving (you know, since you're under all that duress at work and all...;)

Jenni said...

I love it how everyone can sit back in their barcalounger and complain how we are killing all these civilans in Iraq yada, yada, yada, and how we are a horrible horrible country etc....yet they do nothing about it. I say, listen here, asshole, unless you want to drag your winy ass over there and stand infront of some fucking insane jihab with a vendetta and a car bomb to protect these civilans I suggest you shut your pie hole, drink your High Life and watch the rest of your aresenal of past due action films you rented from Blockbuster.

Dickhead.

betchacantguesswho said...

I loved this post! First time here for me but certainly not the last. And thanks for stopping by my place.

Barry S. said...

"That's the one nice thing about driving -- everybody is an idiot except me."

Isn't that the truth! As for dogs, mine is too trusting; I need a metal glove to avoid pulling back a nub.

Pirate said...

My standard response to a someone's dog sticking their head in my crotch when i enter the house is, "Man I've been trying to get Mrs. Pirate to do that all day". I love the look on the pastors face.

Then i ask them if i can borrow the dog for the weekend.

Monkeypotpie said...

Drinking = Juicing.

phlegmfatale said...

Well, for drinking booze we can always SWILL, which is just swell, in my opinion. Also, my dog never sniffs anything before eating it. If she pukes it back up, she may sniff it before eating it again, but she's not at all picky, despite my attempts to teach her refined taste.

Lyvvie said...

"How come you drop acid, do coke, pop pills and hit a joint -- but when you drink, you just drink? Drinking's pretty cool. It needs a cool, new verb to commensurate that. At least “imbibe” or something."

Here we "Down a pint" or "Down a shot" but we wouldn't say "Down pint", it must have the "A" in it.

Does that count? And I always use the word imbibe, but then I'm a spawny-smart-arse bitch; or so I'm told.

Melonie said...

Hee hee!

Ari said...

"Caring and control are often inverse quantities."

That's some deep, true shit, LBB.

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Maniac said...

I really like the "caring/control" one. I think it is so true, and more often than just often.