5/20/2006

Blackjack, bitch.

Dear reader: I'll be in Las Vega$ this week and I won't be able to Snoop Bloggy Blog because I'll be immersed in decadence. I've left two posts. Eat one now and save the other for later. They're both highly offensive, so I'm glad I'll be out of town. You guys are the only things I'll miss while on vacation.

Girls, Boys and Parts

I feel sorry for girls. I feel sorry for them because they have to sleep with guys and it's very difficult for them to make an informed choice on whom to sleep with. Let me explain.

We guys have it easy when it comes to choosing a potential mate. We know what we're getting into. That is, we know how thin, shapely and endowed the girl is long before we score. We've already added it all up and have decided we want to hit it. And once we do, rarely do we encounter any surprises. It's not like a Demi Moore look-alike is going to pop into a Rosanne Barr once she takes her blouse off. With women, what you see is what you get.

But women don't know what the dude's packing until the pants are off, at which time it's too late. Of course, you always have the option of laughing and bolting for the door. But this is a major breach of dating etiquette. How many women have acutally told a dude, "I was into this, but your pecker is way too small for this to work for me. I had a wonderful time. Good-night."

It's a gamble going to bed with a guy. Women just don't know until it's too late. He can have a great smile, a cute butt and a wonderful sense of humor, but he can have a unit the size of a sweet gherkin. Conversely, he can look like the middle man on the evolutionary chart -- and have the manners and body odor to match -- yet have a magnificent member. Some lucky lady has throw herself to chance to find out. I've never thought of it before, but dating for women must be like that game show, Deal or No Deal. You just don't know until they open the package.

Bulldozer Road Rage


Nobody likes driving in traffic, but I think the guy most frustrated with it must be bulldozer operator. Imagine what driving home in a traffic jam must be like for him. He just spent 10 hours bulldozing through anything that got in the way, without consequence. In fact, the more stuff he plowed, the better. “Say, Hank. You mowed a lot of shit out of the way today. Good work.”

Imagine how difficult the transition must be from a bulldozer to a Ford Taurus. It's rush hour and you're stuck on a clogged highway. The traffic light has turned green, but you and the 59 cars in front of you remain motionless, locked in a grid of hybrid rice burners, SUVs and Winnebagos. Your patience wears. Your temper ignites and you decide to drop the scoop and plow through these dumb-asses. You put it in gear and... Damn! This isn't your bulldozer. It's a 4-door sedan. The problem is, you've already rear-ended the guy in front of you.

I feel sorry for the other guys at the construction site, too. Do you think the jack hammer guy is in the mood to masturbate when he finally gets home? It's fun and all, but if my hands vibrated back and forth for the last 8 hours, I might pass.

How about the guy who works the crane? I'll bet he gets really pissed when he sits down on the couch only to realize the remote control is on top of the TV, and he has to get back up and walk all the way over there. To hell with that. Might as well leave it on Lifetime for Women.

And all those poor construction workers have to use the outhouse. When they actually use their own crapper at night, they must feel like royalty.

54 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

And then there's the guy pouring the cement. He gets ready for bed at night, looks at his wife, and thinks....ah...um....nah.

Spinning Girl said...

I've been tempted to stop and use a construction site Port-o-Let when I've been stuck in traffic.

Chad said...

Um, I "borrowed" your car while you are out of town. Seems there was a bit of an incident. Don't worry though, I got an estimate. I've got three whores working overtime in the spare bedroom. They'll have the cash by the time you get back. Meanwhile, I'll be dancing in the living room in my BVD's and some wayfarers.

tornwordo said...

Good luck, I hope you win a bundle.

I had to read both. The first was better. Not that the second one was bad, but just not as excellent as the first.

Oh, and I really hope you win.

blah said...

Might I suggest jello shots.....they got me through my trip there last week.....

Excellent posts as always.

You've not lived until you've seen a J John tipped over and an amigo trying to escape...and me without my camera on the job site.....sigh

Have fun in sin city.....

"AG" said...

You're so full of compassion for women and bulldozer operators that it makes me like you regardless of any possible surprises.

nongirlfriend said...

We'll miss ya! Great post, by the way!

Just Some Gal said...

Great post as usual... The first one had me shaking my head, it is so true. I've had an experience with the smallest five minutes of my life once. And once was enough.

Enjoy the trip, win lots of money and well, try not to leave any dead hookers laying around.

PBS said...

Both bits are funny. We women usually have our own rule that we follow to determine, ah, the possibilities.

Mine is:
The more bragging, boasting, leering and sexual jokes = a lesser athlete and "talent"
Quietly confident and respectful of women = the one that satisfies!

Blonde Bitch said...

OK GREAT I recently became single again after 18 years! And I had forgotten about the gamble, damn I think I am gonna pass a rule that they need to flash a card with member size.

Webmiztris said...

forget about not knowing a guy's package size. the other 'surprise' is finding out their back is covered in gorilla hair or similar offenses!

poopie said...

I feel so much better knowing that I have your empathy. Hit me!

Snooze said...

Hand size has never let me down yet. If the guy is tall but has small hands - well, it's because he wasn't designed to hold much. Besides, women can shrink to fit.

Peter said...

That"shrink to fit" comment has me laughing nearly as much as your post Bug.

Frap Gurl said...

I musta had the "bulldozer driver" rear end me 4 years ago.. Funny thing was.. He got out of that Giant 18 wheel thing after he slammeed me and a chain of SUVs together...and only had one arm.. HOW THE HELL DO YOU DRIVE A TRUCK LIKE THAT WITH ONE ARM???? At least he gave me a smoke!

Jenni said...

What about those people that have to stand there and direct traffic because their boss doesn't trust them to opperate heavy machinery?
I always feel sorry for them. That just has to suck.

Greta said...

the bitch taht i am yes i have told a guy about his package..i can't be with a guy with a vienna sausage for a dick...ugh not today

Edgy Mama said...

Pouting because I wasn't invited to the den of decadence.

Isn't that what vibrators are for?

EM's prescription: Go for the man, not the dick, and supplement, as needed, with the appropriate vibrator.

Carrie said...

Have a great time!

Your first post is exactly why I think the whole 'no sex before marriage' deal was thought up by a man. A man who was not well endowed. ;)

Too funny about the contruction workers. :)

212designs said...

i've always said guys should have two lines tattooed on their forearm,..

that way when you shake their hand you know one way other the other if he is a naked material or not,..

just two little lines, it wouldn't hurt that bad,.. come on,..

who's first?
lol

D e s i g n Girl said...

Oh how right you have it on the size issue being a surprise for women. I've encountered a few "golf pencils" in my day. It sucks!

CaCaBoy said...

I feel so enlightened on the "women" thing. The worst that can happen to a dud, is to open the package and find a She-male inside! Which of course leads to showering for days until every ounce of skin has been scraped of the bone, or a hearty vomit fit clears the room nicely!

Painter Beach Girl said...

what you do is this...make out and get hot and heavy all pressed up against a guy to get him hot and then you can kind of feel through the fabric of his pants...if it doesnt feel good, you can play coy and get out of it before getting naked.

Becky said...

So fucking true, once a man takes his shirt off, it's like a whole new person just walked in the room with his shirt off!

Detroiter said...

Real men wear speedos at the beach. Prick dicks stuff potato sacks in their baggy pants.

This I know.

mcBlogger said...

Thank you! You've given me a renewed sense of fear about being in the dating world. UGH!

ME said...

Darn, I can't follow directions, I went and read both..now i'm having lightening butt withdrawls. I should learn my lesson. But with a start like that, how could I NOT go on????

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Royalty? Well, he's not known as The Peanut King for nothing, you know...;)

Bennet said...

I work construction, as you know.....

First rule..never poop in the port-o-lets...I make sure I take care of that before leaving for work..Hope that's not tmi.

I hear the sound of pile drivers all day..(in case no one knows)It's a giant crane that holds up a rack with a piston that slams telephone sized pipe into the ground...with a loud.."chip-boom-chip-boom-chip-boom"...

Often I wonder if these working those go home always moving in that pattern...It makes me wanna do the robot.

Bennet said...

Oh...not to brag...but I've never been turned down...but I have had several return requests...I think that's a good thing.

phlegmfatale said...

Yeah, dating is like a box of chocolates for women.

Blonde Vigilante said...

I was discussing this with a girlfriend the other night. She thinks it's best to wait and get to know a person before you have sex with them. I agree, but on the other hand what if you really really like a guy and you wait to have sex. Then, when you finally do and, he has a small package. So small you can't even feel it inside of you. Now, that is a slippery slope.

Riss said...

I took them all at once because I'm greedy. They were great by the way, I almost had a cigarette after.

Once, a guy took off his pants and I saw the monster that awaited me and I tried to run out the door. He caught me though. That thing didn't weigh him down at all.

StringMan said...

And then there is the whole transvestite surprise for guys, when any package is an unwelcomed surprise. Bulldozer in rush hour is a fantasy of mine. Hope you had some lucky rolls in Vegas.

Mom of Three said...

Hmmmm...I don't know about you, but that last one made me think about the crew on Bob the Builder in a whole different way. The things they don't want to do!

Hope you took 'em to the cleaners in LV.

Elaine said...

curses. I was going to do a post about boy and girl parts and how it's a total grab bag for chicks.. beat me to it! :P
Oh but I have done the.."whoa, too small for me look" and opted to cuddle instead...usually had them out the door with that one.

Hehehehe!

The midget. She's a sneaky one.

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CP said...

"Some lucky lady has throw herself to chance to find out. I've never thought of it before, but dating for women must be like that game show, Deal or No Deal. You just don't know until they open the package."

Dude, this is called "taking one for the team". One chick agrees to do the pecker checker detail, then relays it to all the other hens in the henhouse. Word gets around REAL quick, trust a bitch.

CP.
Official Team Player.

Miss Sassy said...

I needed the double dose - the grin will last me til you get back =)

Eunice said...

I've been MIA as of late, but glad I stopped by. I forgot how much this blog makes me want to pee my pants (and that's not the baby sitting on my bladder)! Thanks Bug!

LiVEwiRe said...

See, that's why girls ask guys to come back to their place. If we find we are dealing with a gherkin, we can just open the 'goody drawer' of the nightstand and sugguest they pick something to use from behind door #2... ;)

Ari said...

I hope your luck in Vegas is as unconventional as your posts always are.

As for us women, I guess we could always start adding: "Please bring authentic cock photo to first date" to our personal ads.

Barry S. said...

Since I am mostly id I couldn't refrain and read both at once. Thankfully, my memory is that of an alzheimer's patient, so by tomorrow I will come by, read them all over again, and be none the wiser.

Hope you win some serious dough.

NWJR said...

How many women have acutally told a dude, "I was into this, but your pecker is way too small for this to work for me. I had a wonderful time. Good-night."

Well, I know of at least two.

:-(

Frap Gurl said...

Where are you? ..did you sell your soul in Vegas???

Dave Morris said...

Do you think the "stop/slow" sign operator often gets on power trips? Few people have that much control in life, I think it would be addicting.

Also, I wonder if he can feel comfortable sitting.

The Doggy Did It said...

Oh, my, well, I can say that I have laughed with all my friends behind the back of a guy with a small peeter...bitches went and told him I said so too...player haters!!

The Doggy Did It said...

P.S. That made for an uncomfortable conversation later...

djmetronome said...

Ok...I beg to differ...
Occasionally it's a grab-bag for us men too.

Women often "hide" parts of thier bodies behind...water bra, makeup, slimming clothing, etc...I realize this isn't even close to as ineffective member...but just a counter-point to think about.

kissashark said...

We woman could always pull a Crocodile Dundee move and check the package first....Naaaah you guys would like that too much. Never bailed on a guy cause of a small package but bailed on several cause they couldn't use what they had!

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Toni said...

We know what we're getting into. That is, we know how thin, shapely and endowed the girl is long before we score.

Clearly, you've never seen "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka".