5/05/2006

More weekend Bullet-ins

  • When a woman tells you she "needs some space,” what she means is, space in her vagina for another man's penis.
  • When I pick my daughter up from school, I cross the parking lot in a crosswalk. Dodging the crowds, I breached the boundary of the crosswalk. The loud, obnoxious crossing guard reprimanded me! I told her that I'm an adult now. I can eat cookies for breakfast. I can swim without waiting a half an hour first. I can run around the house with sharp objects in hand. And I could find out where she lives. Man, I love being an adult.
  • If you're angry, then at some point prior you've committed the cardinal sin of giving a damn. Corollary: in every relationship, the one who cares the least is in control.
  • If I have to choose, I'd rather live a life of leisure than a life of luxury.
  • If I were a woman, I'd marry and divorce the following men: OJ Simpson, Charlie Sheen, Ike Turner, Jose Canseco, Phil Spector, and a couple other assholes. Then I'd write a best-selling survival guide for the Barnes & Noble Gift Book section. Cha-ching. Then I'd have a book tour party and say things like, “Oh, you were in Viet Nam? Well I was married to Tommy Lee for 8 months, bitch.”
  • With all the illegal immigration prosecution going on here in AZ, I've had a custom bumper sticker made for my car: “No tengo Mexicanos in el trunko.”
  • I think it would be great fun to take a job at Greenpeace. Then, when the boss asked why I was always calling in sick, I'd blame pollution. When HR gave me static for wearing a tank-top and Daisy Duke cut-off shorts to work, I'd blame I'd blame global warming. When I got in trouble for calling all my colleagues "idiots," I'd say I just watched a George W. Bush speech on CNN. Touche!
  • Everyone's upset that we didn't find WMD's in Iraq. But I look at it differently. At least we deposed Saddam. The war in Iraq was like shopping at WalMart. Sure, they were out of what we came for. But we did find a lovely sale on patio furniture, and luckily, we needed that, too. Now, if we can just fight our way out of this shithole! Who's writing a check in the Express Lane?
  • I don't know if we should legalize marijuana, but I know that if we do, suddenly millions of pain pill prescriptions for “lower-back pain” will go into the trash.
  • I saw a Smokey the Bear road sign in the mountains last year that read “Fire Danger Today: LOW.” The adolescent in me wanted to stand beneath it juggling a blow torch and a gas can. When the ranger arrived, I'd point upward and shrug my shoulders.
  • The medical community obsesses with heart disease, cancer, diabetes and arthritis. But they should really focus on constipation and dysuria. Trust me. I work in a hospital. These are far worse problems for old people. Imagine being stuck in a traffic jam on the 405 after hitting a Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru. Now imagine that experience lasting the last 10 years of your life. It's tough having to go and not being able to go. I couldn't make it through study hall when I had to take a leak! Old people wait for weeks to take a leak. How ironic that they call them the “Golden Years."
  • I think it's wonderful that we're arming Iraq, training it's soldiers and giving them the financial aid they need to build a first-rate defense. Think how much more fun it will be to go to war with them the next time!
  • I hope aliens aren't monitoring our television broadcasts with some intergalactic TiVo. Because if there's any hostility in them, reality programming and The View will bring it out. Incidentally, I'd rather sixty-nine a skunk than watch The View with Rosie O'Donnell.

46 comments:

Blogarita said...

LMAO at the Wal-mart/Iraq war comment!

Greta said...

ok you are seriously killing me over here...i have not laughed that hard in a long time...now your going to cause me to have wrinkles around my mouth...that didn't sound goo did it?

bwhahahaha

tornwordo said...

I busted a gut on the first one. And love the relationship corollary.

"AG" said...

Leisure is luxurious. I don't give a damn that I'm angry a lot. I care about indifference. The View really is that vile.

S said...

Too funny! but don't go trashing Rosie, man...I think she will be good on the view.. mostly cuz I think Star hates her and there could be some interesting happenings going on...:)

Peter said...

Another weekend of chuckles Bug, thanks a lot.

StringMan said...

The leisure life would definitely be better. Iraq will absolutely be more fun the third time around - you make a great point there. And by the way, your Spanish is fabulous, amigo.

blah said...

extremely hilarious (as always).....especially the opening line.....and i'm secretly hoping you work at pv hospital.....(lol)

Amandarama said...

If you're angry, then at some point prior you've committed the cardinal sin of giving a damn. Corollary: in every relationship, the one who cares the least is in control.

Wow. That's so true. I had a "friend" in college who used to piss me off and not seem to care about it. Drove me nuts. Until I stopped talking to him.

Hale McKay said...

LOL - at the corollary - the Wal-Mart/Iraq - 69 a skunk/ Rosie -

...Oh, hell! LOL at the whole post!

nongirlfriend said...

"In every relationship, the one who cares the least is in control."

I learned this YEARS too late. It's true. You don't give a damn, and suddenly, it's like you're the best thing that ever happened to them. Men are weird. Except you. You are brilliant.

Memoirs of a Sheila said...

Hey,
I just found your blog. Do you want to get married ?

Violet said...

hey... can i steal your idea for the book? because, apparently, i've been going about things the wrong way by getting into abusive relationships with men who AREN'T famous... duh!

Dave Morris said...

Leisure. Definitely, leisure. You stay too busy paying for luxury.

NeverEnough said...

Good points about Iraq, and as a woman who's cheated before, I'll have to agree with you about "needing some space" too.

shpprgrl said...

Just don't wear a leisure suit in your life of leisure....ok?

phlegmfatale said...

TOTALLY!

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

Once again I'm in tears from laughing so damn hard!

Just the other day I told my best friend that same exact thing... "The one who cares the least is in control." He didn't agree, it's nice to know someone (you) does! It's SO TRUE!

And... being an adult for the reasons you listed does rock! lmao It's the responsibility part that sucks.

Painter Beach Girl said...

I've called everyone I know and read the highlights to them (which was most of it) and read it to Chef who laughed hysterically and I keep reading it and laughing, this made my day, especially the first "bullet", as a woman, I will be one of the first to admit, you are totally right on.

CP said...

I love these bulletins. Okay? Truly. They make my life complete.

Me personally? I'd rather 69 a skunk WHILE watching Rosie on The View. I think a sexual relationship with a non-human should always include Rosie.

I told a crossing guard once that I wipe my own ass now, ergo, I feel I am capable of crossing a street.

Did you know they can give tickets?

Oh yes, indeedy they can. At least here in Florida. I have the proof.

I wiped my ass with it.

CP.

Edgy Mama said...

I think I need some space, LBB.

Still sending applause, though.

LiVEwiRe said...

Damn I love the fact that you know what dysuria is. I really do.

It's Me, Maven... said...

If you 69 a skunk, I want a ring side seat... No worries. I'll bring enough tomato juice for the both of us.

George Larson said...

If you're angry, then at some point prior you've committed the cardinal sin of giving a damn. Corollary: in every relationship, the one who cares the least is in control.

Ramen, brother. Ramen! I've tried to explain this, but some people never learn.

Snooze said...

So true about needing space. Damn, you have women pegged.

PlatinumGirl said...

Wow, that last line was just . . . wow.

NWJR said...

"Incidentally, I'd rather sixty-nine a skunk than watch The View with Rosie O'Donnell."

I bet you'd get more viewers than "The View" if you broadcast those antics.

Phain said...

If you ever get around to having a little "special time" with that skunk.....can I watch? (please?)

Nettie said...

Man, I want cookies.

Sam said...

You're supposed to wait an HOUR before swimming. Just so ya know.

Mom of Three said...

Word on that crossing guard incident. They think just because they can lord over six year olds that they are the Masters of the Universe. Thanks for setting her straight from all of us adults.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Yeah...but I bet you look damn hot in a pair of Daisy Duke cut-offs...;)

Becky said...

ROFLMAO, you are too fucking funny! That first one was great, when a women needs space, she means she needs space in her vagina for another man's penis! CLASSIC!

LaunderLust said...

You are SO lucky you live in Arizona and I'm in NYC!! If I was there, I'd hunt you down, tell you Rosie is on the View right now and "Hi, call me Skunk."

Webmiztris said...

I'm thinking that if the aliens are tuning into our broadcasting, they're laughing their asses (if they have them) off at us and saying "we've finally found the lowest form of intelligence in the universe!"

Oh great One said...

If the aliens are watching us then they are thinking,"We can take em!"

The Tempest said...

WMD/IRAQ/Wal-mart. You made me spit coke out of my nose. I love you.

CaCaBoy said...

I laughed so hard at #1 I had to go pee!

When a man says "we should see other people" he means "I want to have sex with your sister and/or hot roomate!"

Elaine said...

I've had a custom bumper sticker made for my car: “No tengo Mexicanos in el trunko.

Please tell me you made more than one sticker and if so, do send.

LOL. yes, I would rather do vile things to a crusty old goat than watch Rosie or any of those skanks of The View...

dawn said...

Always go with leisure. Luxury sounds so high maintenance.

Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Riss said...

You're like my white guy in Arizona twin.

Frap Gurl said...

In every relationship, the one who cares the least is in control.

So true! and I am living my life by this FACT now! I love the wisdom of age!

The Doggy Did It said...

“No tengo Mexicanos in el trunko.”


That is perfect!! I live in Texas I totally understand.

Although I just moved here from Michigan, where there are NO mexicans at all, it is kinda like culture shock...everyone here is brown. :)

I am not racist or anything, I just wonder why there are no Mexicans in Michigan? Too far to drive? Too Cold? hmmm

Carrie said...

You are a riot. Can't.Stop.Laughing. :)