5/30/2006

A night at Caesars


Most people arrive in Las Vegas with a system for gambling their way into a fortune. Some people have progressive-betting systems. Others have card-counting systems. Some bet on their kids' birthday dates, or perhaps the date their loved one(s) get out of prison. I conceived my own system for blackjack: bribing the dealer. I figure the dealer makes a better friend than an enemy. Plus he has access to the cards. Instead of beating the odds, why not enlist his help? Here was my foolproof plan. When I had an iffy hand, I'd offer the dealer a $1 chip to give me a peek at the next card. If I liked the card, I'd hit. If I didn't, I'd stand. Either way I'd toss the dollar-chip at my good man behind the table. We both come out winners.

Unfortunately the dealer didn't appreciate the genius of my plan. In fact, my proposition appeared to discomfort him. “Sir, I'm not allowed to do that.” “Sir, I can't reveal the cards before they're dealt.” “Sir, perhaps you'd like to try roulette or craps instead.”

What a putz this dealer was. What was he so worried about?

“Come on, Dealer. Why the worry? Nobody's gonna know. It's not like they've got a camera on you or something. Just give me a peek at th...”

Just then a gentleman in a suit emerged from behind the tables and approached me. He asked for a word. I quipped to the dealer, “Gee, the cocktail waitresses in this place are awfully butch.” Then I tossed the flathead in the three-piece suit one of my dollar chips and asked him to fetch me a Harvey Wallbanger. The Suit became indignant. He began asking me all kinds of questions. Did I have ID? How much did I have to drink this evening? Was I aware that cheating at a blackjack table was a felony in Nevada? Did I enjoy the tent scene in Brokeback Mountain -- I knew he was queer. I scoffed at his questions and advised him to stop shopping for suits at Dagos-R-Us. I returned to my game. “Let's see the next hand, Dealer.” Meanwhile, the dago in the suit gestured in the air with his hand, whereupon several uniformed security guards converged on our blackjack table.

I figured it was time to try a different casino. I gathered my remaining chips and bolted for the exit. The guards gave chase. Luckily I had a good head-start. I bobbed and weaved through the oceans of tourists at Caesar's Palace. In my haste I forgot where the nearest exit was. I charged onward and eventually emerged from the crowd to discover a large fountain with sculptures of Roman Gods. I paused briefly to think. I could hear the commotion of the guards in the distance behind me. I had to think fast. Inspiration struck. I jumped into the fountain, stripped down to the nude, struck a pose and established a flow of urine. I remained perfectly still and waited for the danger to pass. Hopefully the guards would mistake me for your average Roman God bathing in a fountain. I'll grant you this plan wasn't as foolproof as my bribe-the-dealer blackjack scheme, but still, I liked the odds for success. It wouldn't be the first time I'd evaded the law by posing naked in a fountain.

The dozen harvey wallbangers I drank made public nudity, remaining motionless and urinating easy tasks. I blended into the fountain. To onlookers, it appeared Michelangelo himself inserted me into the work. My alabaster skin matched the complexion of the statues. And also, I was naked. Like many of the statues, I had a steady stream of fluid flowing from me. The only blemish in my camouflage was that I was the only circumcised Roman God. I had to hope the guards wouldn't scrutinize the goods too closely. Hopefully they weren't queer like the pit boss who started this whole affair. The guards thundered into the atrium. They halted. They searched the area. Noone paid me any attention. Frustrated, the guards dithered about until a commander shouted through their walkie talkies to “return to base.” Ha! My planned worked perfectly -- and without a nick of time to spare; I was running out of urine! Also, several senior citizen ladies were taking notice of my circumcision. I overheard one remark that I reminded her of her late husband, Harold. This is no time to reminisce on your husband's junk, Myrtle! I leaped from the fountain, gathered my crumpled clothes and darted for the casino exit without further incident.

The rest of my trip was uneventful. I'm glad to be back and blogging again. Hey, can you spot me in the picture (above) that Myrtle took?

43 comments:

NWJR said...

You're the one that looks like a chick, right?

;-)

"AG" said...

Welcome back!

Spinning Girl said...

I love it. You're so full of it, but I loved every word.

tornwordo said...

So where did you really go?

(glad you're back)

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phlegmfatale said...

Oh, so that was YOU in the news!

❉ pixie ❉ said...

Beautiful story. Bribery, golden showers, fool proof plans...Does is get any better than this? I think not.

CaCaBoy said...

Wow. That is an incredible adventure you had. Next time try TWO $1 chips! They are whore's for the big money there!

Heather said...

You are a funny guy, LBB.

nongirlfriend said...

I know now what I have to look forward to in Vegas this weekend.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I once got thrown out of the Imperial Palace Casino for repeatedly joking my handheld compass was spinning like a motherfucker everytime "0" would hit on the roulette table.

anyway, good story.

Avatar said...

Man, you give new meaning to the word "resourceful". Good job! *applause*

Amandarama said...

This makes me think I should post my Atlantic City story one of these days.

I'm glad you're back and seemingly none the worse for wear.

Public nudity is not a big deal in a gambling town...unless someone is betting on your ability to get pinched for drunk and disorderly.

Riss said...

I'm glad you had a good time. Public nekkidity is always a good time right?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Damn it! I am NEVER at the right place at the right time!!!

Maybe next time?

You've GOT to let us know when you're heading to Vegas, okay? ;)

jules said...

I'm laughing so hard I think I might wet myself.

Video X said...

never really got into gambling. i dont know why. i guess i just assume i'm going to lose, so why take the chance...i'll play along for a bit...but just til the set amt of $ is gone. haha! i had a dealer hook me up by showing me peeks of the cards before. i have no idea why he did this (oh perhaps i was supposed to pay him...or something)...in the end i still lost.

so is that you on the right? can you play that thing you're holding?

sounds like a fun trip!!!!

Jenni said...

Your adventure sounds a bit like Austin Powers meets Oceans 11. You're just missing a midget and Brad Pitt...then you'd have it down pat.

LaunderLust said...

Thank goodness you had all that urine in you!

I'll never swim in those fountains again.

Webmiztris said...

so you and Myrtle hooked up, huh? ;)

Blonde Vigilante said...

Cute, very cute! Your penis I mean. Your penis is cute!

CP said...

Okay. Something is really wrong. I pay late on a bill, I go to jail. You wreak havoc in LV and you are home to talk about it.

I call bullshit on so many levels.

You're the one with the harp. Duh. That one has the whitest ass.

CP.

Dave Morris said...

Note to self: avoid consumption of harvey wallbangers in public.

Great story, Bug. Laugh-my-ass-off funny.

D e s i g n Girl said...

Welcome Back! Sounds like a great time :)

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

The only thing missing....You shoulda hooked up with the dago suit at the end.

Elaine said...

next time, take me with.. I fit pretty good in a carry on bag. Plus Jenni up there ^^^ said you were missing a midget and I wholeheartedly agree.

StringMan said...

Those dealers in Vegas just don't get it, do they. Funny, funny tale, Bug.

Peter said...

You sound like the kind of guy that we would all like to go to Vegas with Bugs, but most of us would probably chicken out, (or run out of urine at the wrong time.)

Latigo Flint said...

Raymond Babbitt can count into a six-deck chute--but there's only one Raymond Babbitt and he's distracted by shiny things.

I'm glad the posing nude in a fountain to evade the law trick worked for you yet again my friend--it certainly is a good one.

Lil Bit said...

LMAO!! Great read... quite a wallbanger humdinger of a trip!
*ba-dum-bump--- tish!* ;)

Jacquie said...

Great story. And I thought Vegas was boring now. I wonder if they have a Dagos-R-Us shop in my town?

Oh great One said...

Your so silly LBB. What happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas! I'm glad you shared anyway!

Painter Beach Girl said...

I DONT BELIEVE YOU!! Are you kidding? This is too funny and too funny to be true...but knowing you, it probably is, from the other reads on your blog.

poopie said...

...Vegas will never be the same again. I'll bet my birthday on that.

kari said...

So how'd all that work out for you?

Steph said...

Wow, I just posted at my first ever foray into the joys of Poker. Evidently, gambling is not for me, nor you by the look of it. Hahaha!

On The Rebound said...

If only you knew how my day was going. I was searching for one thing and I ended up here. Now you see how that might affect me!

Bennet said...

heheheheee..

That's what I like about you Bug...You're a quick thinker...I'll have to remember that hide out tip..but since I have farmer's tan, I might stand out more.

I'd crop and paste your head onto the statue photo but your ID image is a bit small.

Mom of Three said...

My mother, who is compulsively spending our inheritance at the local Indian casino, RUBS HER HANDS over the screen of the video slot in an almost religious manner because she really thinks this will help! I think it's just going to increase her chance of getting some wierd germs.

Mom of Three said...

My mother, who is compulsively spending our inheritance at the local Indian casino, RUBS HER HANDS over the screen of the video slot in an almost religious manner because she really thinks this will help! I think it's just going to increase her chance of getting some wierd germs.

Mom of Three said...

My mother, who is compulsively spending our inheritance at the local Indian casino, RUBS HER HANDS over the screen of the video slot in an almost religious manner because she really thinks this will help! I think it's just going to increase her chance of getting some wierd germs.

Mom of Three said...

My mother, who is compulsively spending our inheritance at the local Indian casino, RUBS HER HANDS over the screen of the video slot in an almost religious manner because she really thinks this will help! I think it's just going to increase her chance of getting some wierd germs.

Ari said...

You need a sitcom with a voiceover.