5/08/2006

Respect your elders except for when they fuck up the remote

Anybody who believes old people do things slowly hasn't charged a senior citizen with the task of deprogramming a universal remote control. That's a job old people can do with the efficiency of an Indonesian sweat shop. What are old people doing to remote controls? Are they throwing them on the ground when we’re not looking? Cleaning their dentures with them? Whatever it is, I wish they’d stop. My grandparents can fuck up my entertainment center faster than you can say “geriatric dementia.” My grandparents recently visited. I came home from work the day they arrived. When I pressed the POWER button on my Cox Universal, my microwave started a DEFROST cycle. What the hell did you do, Arnold?

I know the World War II generation grew up without the technological toys we take for granted. I tolerate the differences across the generation gap -- after all, what do we young people know about self-sacrifice or long division. But I have to ask: What is so confusing about the all-in-one remote control? It's all-in-one. That's what makes it simple! Grandma, you have to press the CABLE button before you start channel surfing or you'll never catch that rerun of Murder She Wrote. Sometimes when my grandparents visit I'm tempted to turn on BET and remove the batteries from the remote. Dee Jay Wrinkles in da House wit Notorious Ben Gay, Boyeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I love my grandparents, but when I have to spend 20 minutes reprogramming my entertainment center components after a visit, I fantasize about beating them to death with an old-fashioned rabbit-ear antenna.

36 comments:

keda said...

i've had to throw away 3 universal remotes and 4 other assorteds.. cleaners and kids are no better than the aged.

though i have now found a supplier of remotes who after listening to me cry, and in the background hearing screaming child noise at 7pm on a friday after telling me they were closed until monday 9am delivered one to my door within 20minutes.

they have since delivered to me on 3 seperate occasions way out of hours for a small bribe.

if you can't change 'em at least find a sexy remote delivery service is my advice!

Peter said...

Hey be nice to the techno challenged Bug, who knows you MIGHT live that long yourself.

tornwordo said...

I love it when you're bitter. My grandma just moved into a building for oldsters. In the community room there is a large TV. There is a large banner below the TV. "DO NOT TOUCH ANY BUTTON EXCEPT THE POWER BUTTON" For assistance, dial 99.

Pretty much says it all right there.

Miss Cellania said...

One of these days, your grandchildren will be whining that you don't understand how to run the holographic environmental interface that they find so easy to use!

Oh great One said...

I have the opposit problem. My father in laws set up is so tricky you have to have a masters degree to work the darn thing!

NWJR said...

What is this "remote control" thing of which you speak? Is that when you send one of the grandkids over to change the channel 'cuz you're too lazy to get up and move six feet over to the TV?

(BTW, "Dee Jay Wrinkles in da House wit Notorious Ben Gay, Boyeeeeeeeeeeeee!" is brilliant. Sheer freakin' brilliance.)

Webmiztris said...

and god forbid if you don't hide all of the OTHER remotes when they come over - like the originals to the TV, VCR, DVD player, etc. Then you're REALLY screwed!

Greta said...

bwhahahaha...i can just visualize the beating with the rabbit ears...that's halarious...hey next time they come over just go ahead and unhook everything and have the ears set up already. It will be much easier in the long run

Blonde Vigilante said...

I feel your pain, but I feel their pain as well. Sometimes that shit is confusing.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Add to that little children as well. When my niece visits my dad, she destroys calculators from pressing so hard she breaks the innerspring; and reprograms dad's CD player. To a child or an old person, anything with a button draws them and mezmerizes them like a moth to the flame.

Lyvvie said...

How neat; you still have Grandparents. I'm jealous. Enjoy the visit!!

ME said...

OMG, how insenstive. Someday you will WISH they were back there messing up buttons and deprogramming! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to let Bubby and PaPa out of their box..err..their room before the state folks get here.

Butchieboy said...

Hahahahahaha! Hohohohoho! They know what they're doing. It's a joke on our generation.

Phain said...

ya know - if you'd just put it on "The Price Is Right" to begin with - then Grandpa wouldn't need to change the channel...unless he needed to pop some popcorn or something!

Elaine said...

hey, maybe they meant the remote to put your microwave on Defrost.

Old people are schneaky like that.

The Kept Woman said...

It's like a drivers license, at some point you'll just have to revoke it for the safety of all electrical appliances in the vicinty.

Amandarama said...

It's issues like this that have caused Mr. Scoop to set up his parents computer so that they don't have administrator access to their own laptop. Old people and technology: Just say no!

Laurie said...

Hey. My grandparents are DEAD. Be nice.

Just kidding.

I have such fond memories of my grandpa talking about his varicose veins and that whole missing tooth thing where food would nestle and I would have to look on it when he laughed and shit. Thanks, Gramp. Oh..and then there is the whole vaseline butthole hemmorhoid story, which I shall NOT get into. Archives, baby.

Grandma...well she was a Wheel of Fortune ADDICT. And they NEVER owned a remote. I was the motherfucking remote.

JONX!

Riss said...

You make me smile. My grandma doesn't touch the remote anymore, the last time she did it the TV somehow threw up sparks.

Bennet said...

"When I pressed the POWER button on my Cox Universal, my microwave started a DEFROST cycle."

heheheheheheheh..classic

Old people can easily understand video poker machines....but computers..NO..

I've personally showed my mom how to google many times...still does not understand...Beyond saving.

Painter Beach Girl said...

What is funny is that back in the 1980s, my dad was continuously going to reprogram my grandparent's tv/stero/vcr system. My grandparents had a step by step manual that my dad wrote out for them as to how to watch TV, how to tape using the VCR, etc, but they would screw it up somehow and he would have to go fix it and retrain them. Even funnier, they were the types who would unplug everything to clean behind the TV so he would have to reconnect everything too.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh I can SO sympathize...;)

mcBlogger said...

That's hilarious. To date, I've never had to reprogram a remote, mostly because the dog has eaten 4 in the last year, so it's more like programming it for the first time, every time.

have you thought about taping over all the buttons you dont want them to touch. Perhaps colour coded duct tape. Red tape means "no pressie" Green tape means "press all you want"

Penny said...

HA! If you think the remote is bad, just give 'em a computer!!

(popped over from Jules place ... I'll be back for more!)

Dave Morris said...

Grandma could never figure out how to use a remote, but she sure knew the secret to ruining them.

I'm no better, I don't even have the brains to buy a universal remote, I have 8 remotes lined up on my footstool. I will take a picture of them and put it on my blog just for fun.

phlegmfatale said...

"after all, what do we young people know about self-sacrifice or long division"

Hilarious.

"AG" said...

You're funny.

Violet said...

Dave told me that I'm not allowed to touch the remotes. And, from what I understand, it really has nothing to do with me having the knowledge of how to use them or not... It is directly related to the fact that I don't have a penis.

I let him have this one small victory.

Frap Gurl said...

LOL! I feel your pain, Yo!

Raynwomaan said...

I have the joy of reprogramming my mother-in-law's universal remotes (notice the plural) nearly every time we visit. I suppose it's my punishment for allowing my son to ruin the original remotes to her TV (of course, he did this while I wasn't there, and Meme couldn't say no to letting him teeth on the durn things... but somehow, I feel responsible).

To make it even more fun, the codes listed for her brands of TVs don't work. At all. None. So I have to go through the 20 minute process of letting the remote find the code. With each TV. Nice, eh?

Yeah, she's nearly 80 (but in remarkably good health - more like 60), and she can't put new batteries in, either. My now 6yo son does the batteries... might have to teach him the art of prgramming a remote, too!

S said...

*snort* you made me laugh on this one...so true, so true:)

PBS said...

Ha ha too funny! Old people certainly do have a genius for messing up electronics!

Chris-el-da said...

you're my hero
this much ( )

Video X said...

holy hell you've got my remote...names right and all.

Carrie said...

OMG! That is hillarious. So true! :)

Marcus said...

Hi Butt

You're on my Dad's (Peter's) blogroll at Holtieshouse. Blogging has been a revelation for Dad, it's opened up a whole new world for him. It's fantastic to see the cyber community that he has become a part of.
I'm wondering if you'd like to do me a favour. May 28 is Dad's 70th birthday, a special milestone. I'm going to ask all his Blogging buddies to send him a special birthday message on the big day. I'm trying to keep it a secret so don't let the cat out of the bag ok?
I know he'll appreciate it.

Thanks

Marcus (HoltPress)

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