6/26/2006

Hurricane + Newscaster = Entertainment

I love hurricane season. Why? Because some ratings-whore newscaster will stand in the hurricane's path and broadcast as the storm makes landfall. I like to watch the broadcast. But not because I'm concerned for anybody’s well-being, nor because I'm interested in meteorology. I watch because there's a chance the hurricane might blow the ratings-whore newscaster away. I figure that's comeuppance for someone who deliberately stands in a hurricane. When the hurricane blows him into the ocean or into some high-voltage power lines or into a cactus patch, I’d watch on TV and laugh from the comfort of my own living room.

Last season, Geraldo reported 3 or 4 different hurricanes -- on location, live. I hung on every word. I watched and prayed. I asked God to make the storm pick up Geraldo by that big mustache of his and deposit him somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. And if God could swing it, I asked Him that there be sharks present and that He coat Geraldo in A-1 Steak Sauce. Do you suppose sharks like Mexican food? If so, they’d love Geraldo. I figure that mustache of his would make a great wind sail. It could blow his ass up to 15,000 feet. We could name the hurricane “Hurricane Geraldo.”

Why do reporters have to stand in the middle of a hurricane, anyway? Do they think we won't believe them otherwise? I’ll take your word for it, Walter Cronkite. You don’t have to ram your Ford Taurus into a school bus to report a traffic accident. Why broadcast in the path of a hurricane? If I were a reporter, I'd stand inside a brick building and point to the radar screen. Better yet, I'd fly to the West Coast and broadcast from Palm Beach. Let the weather satellite do the dirty work. Viewers could reference the satellite image to appreciate the hurricane. My word should be good enough. If you still don't buy the hurricane story, then tough turds on you. You can go down to Florida and ride the wind with Captain Mustache.

43 comments:

Peter said...

Into the high voltage wires Bugs? sounds a tad extreme even for Geraldo.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Leaning sideways in 100MPH wind is like game 7 in the World Series for weather folks.

It's the big time.

nongirlfriend said...

Captain Mustache? Ha!

Frap Gurl said...

I too share your excitement.. Watching waiting, praying that dumb fucker gets hit by some flying shrapnel and it busts open his skull! Show me fucking blood.. 'It's no fun til someone dies'... I admit it!

LaunderLust said...

I don't think sharks would like A-1 Steak Sauce. But then again, I'm not a shark. If I were, I wouldn't eat Geraldo. Now Anderson Cooper is another story altogether!. . . .

tornwordo said...

That's so funny, I always hope a flying board will smack them while *live*. As you suggest, it would serve their ratings whore asses right.

jules said...

See, that's where you're different than most people Bug.... most people won't believe it unless they see it. The weather radar just doesn't cut it.

NWJR said...

I have never agreed with you more.

This frightens me.

shutterbugger said...

I couldnt agree more.

I rolled my eyes last year when Al Roker fell on that camera dude trying to hold him up, how utterly stupid.

Violet said...

It's all about the $cash$ $money$, folks... Haven't we learned that is what makes the world go 'round?

But, hey, if some dumbf#ck wants to go stand in the middle of a hurricane so he can afford his vacation home, and I can be entertained in the meanwhile, I'm all for it!

Raggedy said...

I agree with you. What are they trying to prove?

I heard a comedian do a skit on this subject. A man thought at 43 years of age that he was in good enough shape to withstand the winds of hurricane. He was going to tie himself to a tree during the storm... The comedian then said: Let me explain something to ya, It is not THAT the wind is blowing, It is WHAT the wind is blowing. If you get hit by a Volvo it doesn't matter how many sit ups you did that morning. If you have yield shine in your spleen...nuff said.

Hugs and have a wonderful day!

JJ said...

I guess after people heard that theory about Hollyweird creating the moon landing they gotta see it to believe it.

Do sharks like mexican food. LOL Fish tacos, anyone?

Danke Shane said...

Y'know what would make it even better? If the "Channel 5 Eye-Witness" news bus gets swept up in the same winds and we get to see the newscaster get crushed by his own station vehicle as a finale.

Molicious said...

I hate Geraldo.

Tense Teacher said...

Geraldo would be no great loss; you're right.
But I'm scared of Jim Cantore; the Weather Channel always sends him into the worst weather situations. When he showed up in Mississippi last August, I knew that the shit was about to hit the fan.

Jenni said...

Did you ever see the footage of the reporter who was in the "middle of torrential winds" during a huricane and was struggling to stay upright and in the background there's a dude on the sidewalk behind her walking completely normal, like there's nothing going on?

It's HILARIOUS!

Ms. M said...

Oooh, I wonder how charred Geraldo Fajitas taste? If they taste anything like I think they do, they are greasy and slimy. ICK.

Rick said...

I spent more than a decade standing in ridiculous places doing ridiculous things in front of ridiculous TV cameras for two ridiculous reasons: 1) TV pays well and 2) people actually watch that crap. Doesn't matter that most of us are watching it to see if the reporter gets creamed (same principle appies to auto racing), all the advertisers care about is whether you're still watching when the commercial comes on.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I agree... I tend to view those things with the same type of "Looky-Loo" quality like a bloody train wreck... you can't take your eyes off it.

mcBlogger said...

Man, I hate that guy! Geraldo that is...

Oh great One said...

Yes. YES. YES! If they are gonna go there to get ratings then I want some blood!

Danke Shane said...

Hope it's okay to add you to my links..this is by far the best blog I have ever seen.

Softball Slut said...

I love it!! I have always wanted to be that reporter who was there at the storms. More because I am fascinated by weather. I might tell a different story if I actually had to be in the midst of one though.

Blonde Vigilante said...

My favorite is when they go down to the beach two days before the mamajama hits and are like "ohhh...it's windy." No, it's breezy...it's always breezy at the beach. Hurricane season is the one reason I despise living at the beach...it's all anyone talks about. Next subject.

Jon Cox said...

Hahahaha!!! Awesome post!!

shpprgrl said...

Agreed. I will never ever understand their devotion, need for viewers what-evuh. As a former hurricane evacuee that looked just as crappy as the next girl, I can tell you that we were gettin' the hell outta dodge while watching their freakin' entourage DRIVE in. Watching it from that perspective you definitely are thinking they are nutty as a fruitcake!

NeverEnough said...

Haha! Yeh I never thought about the fact that they could stand far, far away from the tornado/hurricane/school massacre.

Jon said...

I will never, ever forgive Geraldo for that 4 hour Al Capone's vault fiasco.

Never.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I LOVE this, LBB. Hurricane Geraldo, indeed, with steak sauce. It couldn't happen too soon.

Ari said...

Hey, I ain't Limbaugh or nothin' but I still think the ratings whoredom of the media is responsible for a lot of evils in our world, LBB.

Ari said...

Also, I've just starting seeing the bug butt flashes of summer, and they remind me of your blog and its brilliance. ;)

As always... Rachael said...

They need to have hot female interns standing in mother's nature's way if they want to really improve ratings. Long wet hair whipping around her face... skirt flying up. I'm not sexist, or a lesbian, but I'm pretty that would work for ratings... with or without a hurricane.

Mom of Three said...

As we used to say in the newsroom, "If it bleeds, it leads."

Still, nobody could have predicted the utter lunacy of how long they dragged out the Natalee Holloway story. I can't even watch the same channel when it comes on, the utter whoring is just too much.

PBS said...

Yep it's pretty dumb all right. But not as dumb as filming in the middle of a war...

randommoments said...

I'm waiting for one of them to die from a flying street sign to the head.

"...this reporter was so brave, bringing us up to the second news in the most dangerous conditions."

I'd say stupid, not brave.

Softball Slut said...

I have heard the Jim Cantore thing before. Whereever he goes, chaos should follow. THey knew that when he went to Beaumont or whatever little small bumfuck town he went to during Rita, they were going to get it, and sure enough they got the worst

Heather said...

I just recently spent a week in Florida and the residents are far more sensible than the newscasters. I don't know why they insist on standing on the beach during a hurricane.

Dumbasses.

Romantic Fool said...

I have to say that even though I live in Louisiana and thus am usually in the line of fire and could step outside and watch it happen, it's like watching a car chase on tv, just can't stop!

Weary Hag said...

Funny that you used Geraldo as an example here when you spoke of faith in the reporters. After that safe fiasco years ago, YES, I DO in fact have to SEE HIM standing in a hurricane in order to believe it.

The weather people all cum in their pants every time the wind blows anyway, and there's no getting around that mess.

Dave Morris said...

"Captain Mustache." How did you know my porn name?

phlegmfatale said...

I am SO with you on this one. Did you see "The Day After Tomorrow?" It's chock full of scientific inaccuracies and utter poppycock, but I KNEW I would love it, having hit puberty in the decade that spawned the Towering Inferno and the Poseidon Adventure, etc. Anyway, TDAT is worth seeing just for the newscaster guy get slammed by a billboard as he's reporting on the tornadoes in downtown LA. Check it out!

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Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot!
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