6/13/2006

Insights

  • Here's the difference between clever and genius. A clever man coined the phrase “Whoever smelt it, dealt it.” But it took a genius to retort “Whoever denied it, supplied it.” Sheer brilliance. I wonder if that second guy blogs.
  • What's with that lackadaisical, fly-swatting gesture drunks do when police shine their flashlights on them in COPS? Do they see a flying insect in their drunken minds or something? I'd like to gather 12 of those drunkards into a racketball court and see how well they could play handball.
  • If doctors treated their patients the way the Fed treated the economy, they'd treat respiratory failure with a choke-hold and priapism with a cock-punch.
  • I think it would be cool if cars had flight sticks instead of steering wheels. I wonder why they don't do that. Probably because they'd have to reprint thousands of driver's-ed pamphlets with the “hands at 10 and 2 o'clock position.” Plus, in a collision you'd rack yourself something fierce.
  • Why don't they coat roadways and rooftops with Teflon?
  • The Discovery Channel is the crack pipe of cable programming. Everybody who channel surfs comes to an abrupt halt at TDC. I went surfing the other night and wound up watching a 2-hour special on the manufacturing of plastic. I hung on every word. When it was over, I aroused from my trance in a puddle of my own drool.
  • Why is history class so boring and the History Channel so cool? They should make history classes that show film strips of the History Channel all semester long. Maybe then high school kids would learn that the First Amendment doesn't just guarantee Fitty the right to sell his CDs at WalMart.
  • If I were rich, I'd buy 52 week-long timeshares -- all at the same place. Then every Monday morning, I'd wake up, look into the mirror and say, “Get outta my house, fucker. This is my week and I'm not sharing with anybody.” Then I'd laugh at the irony and get drunk with myself.
  • I wonder about all these “junior” hamburgers. You've got the Whopper Junior. Wendy's has a “junior” single. Carl's Jr. has a junior burger -- by the way, wouldn't that burger be Carl's Burger the Third? Who's ordering these junior burgers? If you can't handle 4 oz. of pre-cooked hamburger meat, you don't really want a hamburger.
  • Every year several people die in train accidents because cars maneuver around the crossing gates. Why do they separate cars from trains with what amounts to a giant, illuminated tooth pick. Shouldn't they use more than a wooden stick? I think a brick wall should pop out of the ground. Or one of those crane electromagnets like you see at the junkyard.
  • You know those tee shirts pregnant women wear that read “Baby” and they have an arrow pointing down to their stomach. They're really cute. When my wife was pregnant, I always wanted to wear a tee shirt that has an arrow pointing down and reads “Baby Maker.” And then on the back of the shirt, it would read “The blood test removed all doubt.”
  • What kind of prize is a reserved parking spot for “employee of the month?” Here's a parking spot close to the door so you can get to work even earlier. Gee, thanks. How about something cool for employee of the month, like being able to come to work drunk? If I ever get employee of the month, I want my own bathroom stall -- with a glory hole.
  • Everyone advises us to save and invest our money for the future. This is poor counsel. The entire world has designs on your savings. The taxman wants to loot it. The stock market wants to dive-bomb it. The tort lawyers want to sue it out of your wallet. And if anything is left over, the auto mechanic wants to ring it out of you. But there's one thing nobody can take away: a good time. So if you're one of the lucky few who has a few dollars left over at the end of the week, spend it. It'll be the best investment you make.

43 comments:

"AG" said...

You need to make that shirt ASAP on CafePress!

NWJR said...

"If you can't handle 4 oz. of pre-cooked hamburger meat, you don't really want a hamburger."

Obviously, you're not a White Castle fan.

tornwordo said...

I like the ironic timeshare retirement scheme.

And I think we watched the same show on plastic. If "How it's Made" is on, I'm hypnotized.

Dave Morris said...

A: I get employee of the month every month. I come to work drunk every day. I am self employed. Fuck you, and you, and you, and you...

B: What a great thing it would have been to have the history channel back in the early 80s when I was in school. Instead, we got to watch "Washington Week in Review" with Louis Fuckin' Rukeyser (God rest his soul) every week.

C: And during winter, they should coat roads with cast-iron. Then they should make winter tires out of cheese. Talk about traction. I burn my goddamn grill cheese to the pan every time and it takes a week of soaking to get it off.

Leesa said...

I agree, spend the extra bucks while ya got it.

Tense Teacher said...

I was laughing so hard throughout this, you made me snort.
My husband made fun of me.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

The "Baby Maker" shirt is ingenious. Or is that genious?

Dave—Go fuck yourself and learn to make grilled cheese in a nonstick pan.

tammi said...

Yup,it's me...the girl from Texas.Actually I can't seem to find any Texans that want blog...or even leave a pin on my guestmap.You said ANOTHER Texan....I muist be in the U.K. too much,because mt blog-buds usually are from Wales amd London,England...places like that.Of course around the U.S.,but not as many as I would have figured.Geez,I've even had the same ol blog since 2002.EeeK! :-}
I died laughing about the one w/ the timeshare condo's,I USED to work for The Villages in Tyler,and yes,those episodes were quite frequent!ha ha ha(That's me... still laughing)
What a terrific blog!
Ahhhh I MUST add you to my faves!Lotsa good stuff to read in here.Hope u don't mind.
Coolness.
T.

jules said...

Why don't they coat ...rooftops with Teflon?
I'm thinking all the birdshit would surely end up on you then.

Melonie said...

Funny as always. I have a SLIGHT addiction to the Discovery Channel myself; have you seen the one on The Mermaid Baby yet?

Peter said...

Anything to stop idiots from driving around the railway barriers would help.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

If I don't get my Discovery Channel fix EVERYDAY, I break out in stupid.

I get it all over and it itches like crazy! ;)

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

LOVE the T-shirt idea!

As for the "glory hole." Um... is that what I think it is? =-0 If so, I didn't realize such a hole had a name! haha

bornfool said...

The last couple of lines is some good advice. If I ever get a substantial windfall I'm going to spend half of it on whiskey and hookers. Then I'm going to waste the rest.

Elaine said...

Baby Maker Shirt MUST be made! Hilarious.

Can you imagine the competition for Employee of the Month if the prize WAS a bathroom stall with the glory hole??? But who would be servicing the hole? The fucker that was late and called in sick 3 days out of the week I suppose...

shutterbugger said...

LMFAO

Watching TDC is DA BOMB.

Carrie said...

You could make a fortune selling that shirt! Why didn't this post exist when my sister was pregnant? My BIL would have loved to wear that shirt to one of the baby showers he was forced to attend. :)

It is so refreshing to know I am not the only one who has lost endless hours being entranced by the Discovery Channel. :)

Webmiztris said...

How have I never heard "Whoever denied it, supplied it."?? lmao! that's hysterical...

I'm all for that Teflon road surface thing. How do we get the ball rollin' on that one?

ps. I eat jr. burgers. I'm so ashamed...lol

As always... Rachael said...

I don't know what priapism is... I'm gonna have to go look that up! Funny stuff, LBB! Now go make that shirt!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Um... at first I thought you "had me" at "cock punch." Then I read further. You "had me" at "glory hole."

It's Me, Maven... said...

PS:

Between watching "Dirty Jobs" and that documentary of the "Half Ton Man," it's a wonder I continue to have an appetite at all.

poopie said...

Amen on the parking spot. Gimme some $$ I say!!

Spinning Girl said...

You should absolutely market that t-shirt. And thank you for forcing me to learn a new term (priapism -- seen it, didn't know there was a term for it. Just called it permashaft)

Junebugg said...

I second the T shirt idea, but you should patent it. Someone would steal the thing and make a million of your $$$$$$$$$$. I love the way your mind works.

Painter Beach Girl said...

I had a history class in college once, it was "Western History" and we watched a western once a week and wrote about it. We also studied real history and read books, but watching the old movies were awesome. Best class I had.

Love that tshirt idea. You should make them and market them, you would make a killing

WanderingGirl said...

How about the Alaskan-born water-conservationist term of "If it's brown, flush it down... if it's yellow we're all mellow" for toilet-flushing etiquette?

Weary Hag said...

Re: priapism ~ Any possibility you could squeeze out a fifty-cent word in every one of your posts?
1. It makes you sound terribly smart.
2. It can help thin the herd (those who don't know it and don't bother to look it up are the same folks who stand in the express line with 33 fucking items - if we gang up on them, we can be rid of them inside of a week)
3. For some oddball reason, fifty-cent words get me all astir, like in a good way.

Awesome post LBB.

Blonde Vigilante said...

What is this "save and invest" that you speak of? Credit cards ARE real money.

kari said...

Honestly LBB, do you realize how many of those t-shirts you would sell?

miss king said...

i think you might be able to land a deal on Maury's 'whos my babys daddy?' show & get the lifetime contract with that shirt. It could be part of the gift package for guests.

Char said...

Some great ideas, but I wonder about the Teflon on the road thing. Teflon is non-stick, so wouldn't the non-stickiness be applicable to everything, including tire treads? Sure, snow would slide off the road, but so would all the vehicles driving on it!

Anyway, bravo! I blow raspberries in your general direction.

phlegmfatale said...

Why don't they coat roadways and rooftops with Teflon?

because teflon has to be fired in a kiln, and the sun doesn't provide that degree of wattage down here.
great post, as always!

kissashark said...

But you know all that Discovery channel will pay off when day when you try out for jeopardy or who wants to be a millionaire! ;)

Oh great One said...

I had to look up priapism. Websters wouldn't tell me unless I signed up for premium service. Good ol' Britannica! It's true, you do learn something new every day. Thanks LBB!

nongirlfriend said...

They probably figure the employee of the month IS always drunk, otherwise, they wouldn't be all happy and doing such a fantastic job.

At least that was the way it was when I won the award.

CaCaBoy said...

I think they should have those wrong way tire spikes at crossings! See if anyone tries to shot around that!

Baby Maker....I want one of those shirts!

Becky said...

"Why don't they coat roadways and rooftops with Teflon? "

I say rooftops, maybe, but if on roads wouldn't it make it a little hard for the tires to grip to the road....

Jenni said...

Save a little, spend a lot. My sentiments exactly.

Bravo!

Frap Gurl said...

I was the weird kid that liked history.. go figger!

Mom of Three said...

Funny, because I just saw an ad in an old, outdated Doctor's Office Copy of Pregnancy Magazine and they had two I liked for guys:

1. "Bullseye" with those stick people like on road signs, only the girl had a large black circle for a stomach.

2. "My boys can swim."

Just so you know, our kids have no college funds, but every Little Pony ever made, so we're following your advice really well!

StringMan said...

Phew. Where do all this come from, Bug? You are one amazing dude.

PBS said...

Somehow "Carl's Burger the Third" doesn't sound very tasty. "Baby Maker" T-shirt would be a best seller!

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