6/21/2006

More points

  • You know what would make graduation ceremonies more interesting? If they stuck arrowheads in the corners of the little graduation caps. Then you'd have 300 ninja throwing stars hurling into the air at once. That would thin out the competition for grad school!
  • Some people never exceed the speed limit. They say it's against the law. So then you don't fuck your wife in the ass then, right? It's against the law in many states. Douchebag.
  • Do nocturnal animals pop a morning boner?
  • People ask whether I'd rather see a sunrise or a sunset. I tell them it depends whether it's a day off of work or not. Then they say, no, which one do you think is prettier? Then I say, well, which one do you prefer, doggy style or cowgirl? See, it's hard to choose stuff like that.
  • If you took a deck of bachelor party naked lady playing cards and placed it on the Bible, would they catch on fire? I hope not, because I want my Bible's bookmark to be the ace of hearts. She's really stacked.
  • I wonder what a 3-bedroom/2-bath goes for in Food City.
  • People say you can't appreciate something unless you work for it. I'm not so sure. Nothing tastes better than free beer. Nothing is more exciting than winning money at the casino or in the stock market. Nothing feels better than free love and nothing delights more than free samples at Costco. As a rule, the harder you have to work for something, the greater the disappointment. Any college graduates want to second that?
  • Houseflies have only a few ways to die. They can catch the business end of a fly-swatter. They can fly into a spider's web. Or they can land in a venus flytrap. I'll bet flies say to each other, “Damn, I wish I could just develop cancer or have a heart attack or something.”
  • I was going to buy a motorcycle, but instead, I just had my mechanic install an airbag made of asphalt.
  • I don't understand the appeal of chocolate covered insects. You've already got chocolate. Why ruin it? I'm not saying chocolate covered insects taste bad. But there's no way the insects taste as good as the chocolate they displace. They may taste good -- but not as good as chocolate. Except the fruit fly. Fruit fly chocolate. That sounds like heaven. All right, I'll give you fruit fly chocolate. That's probably delicious. Hey, do you think the dung beetle was the inspiration behind chocolate covered insects? All I know is, the insect must be pissed when you eat him. He probably thought he hit the mother lode when somebody covered him in chocolate. Think how hard an insect works just to find a bread crumb. But now he's swimming in chocolate. Jackpot, baby. No, he's not dead when they cover him. He'd dehydrate and fall apart. What, are you telling me they have insect slaughterhouses? Hell no. It's not like they can step on them or spray them with poison. Who'd eat that? Those little suckers are sealed alive in a tomb of chocolate -- like Hon Solo in Empire Strikes Back. Anyway, chocolate covered insects are a silly idea.
  • Why don't motorcycles have a tie-around-your-ankle thingy like surfboards? That way you wouldn't lose your bike in a crash. Think about those motorcycle gangs where there's like a hundred guys all riding choppers. Imagine if a truck full of ball-bearings crashed in front of them, or marbles or something. Pure chaos! Everybody would be confused over whose bike was whose. With the ankle-tie, it would be a cinch to identify the bodies.
  • You know who must be busy? The guy who does tire rotations for 18-wheelers. That must take all day. Plus, how do you keep track of 18 wheels? Let's see, 5 goes to 12. Eight goes to 9. Thriteen goes back to 2. Ah shit, which one of these was the spare again...
  • God instilled in us a powerful sex drive to ensure procreation. But if that's what He wanted, why didn't He just make it so we get pregnant when we masturbate? We'd have an earth full of mofos in no time.
  • I was at a restaurant and the waiter kept pushing the wine list. I was like, “Dude, I ordered a #4 Combo with extra rice. Do you really think I'm interested in a '92 cabernet?” Do you have Boone's Farm on that list?
  • When you're hungry, your stomach growls. How come when you're horny, your dick doesn't sing a tune or something?

47 comments:

NWJR said...

"why didn't He just make it so we get pregnant when we masturbate? "

Dude, ask yourself if YOUR house could hold as many kids as you'd have fathered by now if that were true.

I think the answer will become self-evident!

CP said...

If I got pregnant every time I masturbated, I'd have about 700 kids by now, and would be knocked up as of this morning.

Um...

er...

Yeah.

CP.

randommoments said...

I just shot Diet Dr. Pepper out of my nose on the pregnant by masturbation one.

Was previously falling asleep at the desk, so thanks for the laughs. Think I'll go read that again...

Weary Hag said...

I believe the typical lifespan of a housefly is about 24 hours. Does this mean that they have thoughts like "Christ if I could only live another 2 minutes" ... ya gotta wonder.

Loved the image of the asphalt airbag ... you see it's lines like that that make a month's worth of blog surfing payoff.

Love ya to death for that one,LBB.

Carrie said...

The whole chocolate covered insects was funny enough to make my day, but that last one had me laughing out loud! That would be something to hear. :) Now, if it could sing, what song would it sing? :)

mckay said...

...it would sing that song i hate.

"touch me in the morning, then just walk away..."

Edgy Mama said...

No, nocturnal animals pop an evening boner. Duh!

CaCaBoy said...

"Laa,laa,laa,laa,laalaalaa"! Mine sings! (Get Down On It!)

I prefer Mad Dog 20/20 to Boones Farm. It erases all memory, period. It's like starting over!

Violet said...

Doggy style or cowgirl? That is a tough one... The problem with that is the fact that there aren't only two options like with a sunrise or sunset. You can't simply discount your other options, you know?

And Mad Dog 20/20? Yech... I drank MD one of the first times I got drunk... Bad news.

tornwordo said...

Another great list BB. My favorite is the airbag filled with asphalt.

Blogarita said...

Thank you for these lovely sentiments. I enjoyed them immensely.

Tense Teacher said...

LOL about the 18-wheeler tire rotations.
Funny list, as always.

Peter said...

Just picturing a fly having a heart attack, very funny, well maybe not for the fly.

jules said...

OMG...I'm picturing Hell's Angels with the ball bearings and bikes tied to their ankles. Thank God I hadn't taken that first sip of coke yet before I read that.
You are such an asshole... that's why we love you so much.

Webmiztris said...

I don't like that masturbation idea ONE BIT!!

Blonde Vigilante said...

Fuck...I would have gotten pregnant 5 times yesterday. And probably 20 for the whole week.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Man, that was the funniest frickin' thing I've seen in a long time!

Belle said...

Lost my lunch on the whole chocolate covered insect thing...thanks.

Oh great One said...

Spoken like a true man. SEX, Motorcycles and bugs. Loved it.

Barry S. said...

LBB, you are good - you have multiple females on here admitting their masturbatory prowess.

Heidi the Hick said...

Doggy style or cowgirl? That's easy. First one, then the other. No need to have to choose.

Danke Shane said...

Yeah..that was a crafty way of finding out who the gals are that can't get enough of the self service isle in the sex supermarket of life! Now THIS is a cool blog..

Heidi the Hick said...

I like your style too, LBB. (I rarely feel clever enough to comment though!)

exile said...

damn good list m'boy

btw, did you notice how many people are hung up on your masturbate to get pregnant thing? man, that's why i wear a condom when i do that.

MKD said...

I wanted to clap out loud. So instead a dribbled some water from my nose.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

cowgirl...

Scottsdale Girl said...

A fellow Arizonianite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I am THAT excited, cna you NOT tell by the prolific use of the exclamation mark? SHeesh!

mackeydoodle said...

Tire rotation for an 18 wheeler!! lmao!!
The whistling dick is a funny thought too!:D

NeverEnough said...

How many lines did you snort before you wrote this post?

Leesa said...

Your dick doesn't sing a tune??

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I am amazed, Bug. You means yours doesn't?

The Melody Censor said...

Tee hee...tha is some funny s#!t.

Painter Beach Girl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Painter Beach Girl said...

As enamored by Harley Davidsons and motorcycles in general (and the people that ride them as I mention recently)...I still think they are stupid. I just counted 8 people I know who either died or seriously injured riding motorcyles.

Chocolate covered insects: Some say it would be for protein though. How much protein is in a bug?

poopie said...

Ayep. And I named it after you :)

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Painter Beach Girl,

Motorcycles are a beautiful thing and like a gun, they are only as dangerous as the handler.

Lil Bit said...

ROFLMFAO!
That's all... just gigglin' my fool head off! =D

Laurie said...

"Damn, I wish I could just develop cancer or have a heart attack or something"

That is some funny shit. Everytime I see a fly from now on, I'll think of you.

PBS said...

Ha ha, all of this was pretty funny! But my favorite was the thought that free (beer, sex, food samples, etc.) is better and "as a rule, the harder you have to work for something, the greater the disappointment." is SO true!

Raggedy said...

LMAO. That was funny. Have a great day!

Elaine said...

I mostly agree with everything except the masturbation, because I would be impregnating myself over and over and over and again this morning, and later this evening....

I want my vagina to whistle a Supremes tune when I'm horny.. or maybe a Madonna tune.. either way, I wish it would whistle something for whatever mood I'm in. An Ipod Crotch if you will...
oh wait, doesn't Paris' crotch whistle the theme song from Jaws???
(hey, I had to take a hit on Paris because I know you're hard for her. :D)

Frap Gurl said...

How many College Grads know who the fuck holds there loans???? That should be a required course.. how to KEEP your loan outta default and keep your student aid PIN like it was your stash cause getting a replacement pin is a fucking nightmare.. I still don't have it..been trying 5 days now!

nongirlfriend said...

You fuck your wife in the ass?


I like the last one the best. My vagina hums the Hallelujah Chorus when I am aroused.

Ari said...

Maybe being sealed alive in a tomb of chocolate ain't as bad as it sounds...

That singing dick thing would be creepy, though.

Dave Morris said...

My dick sings "Pop Goes the Weasel."

Riss said...

I love free beer, free hard liquor AND free food. I am completely on board with not having to work for it. People say dumb things sometimes. Please sir, put that steak dinner, creme brulee and pint of Guinness away. I didn't work for it.

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