6/01/2006

A muse by any other name

  • Almost everybody hates people who drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time. Many people support tough traffic statutes prohibiting this practice. This is folly. Let me assure you the cell phone user is a crappy driver whether he's on the phone or not. I mean, it's a cinch the soccer mom swerving the SUV into your lane isn't going to become Mario Andretti when she hangs up. In fact, now that she's no longer distracted with making her next hair appointment, she can give 100% of her effort to being a road-hog cunt.
  • I apologize for my crass language, above. Would you hyphenate “road hog?”
  • Some people are seers. They need to get out and see new and exciting things. They vacation in exotic locations and create little adventures for themselves. These people think life is a Mountain Dew commercial. I hope these people's parachutes fail when they're cave-diving in Fiji. That'll teach them. And I'll laugh my ass off when I watch them plummet on the Travel Channel. Myself, I'm a feeler. I like to feel good. I don't need to travel anywhere to feel good. All I need is my couch, a good meal, some hooch, the television and some occasional cooter on my face.
  • When you think about it, the purpose of a cruise ship is to bamboozle the passengers into thinking they're still on land. Screw the boat. They should put you on a big, rocking strip mall with a buffet, a movie theater, a live band and shuffleboard. A “cruise” would cost $59 per person and you wouldn't need to practice the fire drill.
  • Just as it's always darkest before the dawn, so is resistance to an idea greatest before acceptance. Example: Eminem. Remember the good ole days when we all hated Eminem, back when he first came out? Then the little bastard makes a movie and suddenly he's Sir Lawrence Olivier with a bad tattoo artist. Here's another example: Glade Plug-ins. Nobody who saw that commercial the first time thought “Gee, what a great idea.” But Johnson Wax kept ramming them down our throats..
  • Mine is not to question why; Mine is but to do and/or make pissy comments about how stupid the entire universe is.

34 comments:

Spinning Girl said...

You speak my thoughts aloud!

❉ pixie ❉ said...

But those plug-ins will start a fire on your wall. Don't use them.

jules said...

It is scary how much you and I think alike. Truly scary.

tornwordo said...

Only you can get away with the c word, and I'm not talking cooter.

"AG" said...

I think you are the only person in the world who could type "road-hog" and I still stick around.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hmmm....to hyphenate or not to hyphenate.

I never hyphenate "asswipe" (which is what I usually scream at other drivers when I finally get to pass them).

Your call, I guess...;)

Tense Teacher said...

How about "fucktard"; does that need a hyphen? That's lately become my new favorite insult.

PBS said...

I recently saw a car of three people, all on cell phones including the driver. Do you suppose they were talking to each other?

NWJR said...

All I need is my couch, a good meal, some hooch, the television and some occasional cooter on my face.

You've just discovered the secret to eternal happiness. Congratulations!

Edgy Mama said...

I'm a feeler too. Masturbation is my middle name.

Molicious said...

I stopped using the Glades after I had bought like 10 of them and realized what a piece of shit they were. Which means Johnson Wax probably got a good $30 out of me. Bastards.

Jenni said...

If my parachute ever fails I'm finding you and kicking your ass.

That being said, I would definately not hyphenate road hog. They hyphen is overused...shit...should I hyphenate over-used?
Damnit.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Hmmm... what a conundrum! To hyphenate or not...

I do believe "road hog cunt" should not be hyphenated, however, "road-hogging cunt" should.

Blonde Vigilante said...

If I find a cooter to sit on your face...can I come to the "cruise" for free?

Webmiztris said...

"All I need is my couch, a good meal, some hooch, the television and some occasional cooter on my face."

lmfao!

poopie said...

Us low maintenance lunatics have to stick together! I totally agree about the strip mall/cruise. I've just never understood the allure.

LaunderLust said...

Call me "Grammar Queen." Two-word adjectives are only hyphenated when followed by the noun they describe. So, in the case of today's blog entry, road hog should be hyphenated.

Best of luck with that cooter thing.

LaunderLust said...

Example:

That cunt is a road hog.

She is a road-hog cunt.

I agree that "road-hogging cunt" would have been better, though.

I have a Grammar Dictionary in my man purse.

Riss said...

I like to pull idioitic stunts every so often but they're pretty safe. No way would you catch me jumping off a bridge (unless a terrorist army was coming at me from both sides) or out of a plane (unless it was going down). Those people who do that shit "for fun" are nuts.

Carrie said...

You kill me. 'Cooter on my face'? Pure comic genius!!!

Elaine said...

"Mine is not to question why; Mine is but to do and/or make pissy comments about how stupid the entire universe is."

I'm putting that on a mug or something.

May your weekend be cooter-ful!

D e s i g n Girl said...

When I'm bored on my commute, I count people on cellphones....in the morning it rivals women putting on their make up.

CaCaBoy said...

I too am a feeler. I enjoy breasts, cooter, lips..........

CaCaBoy said...

My lawyer has asked me to ammend the previous comment with this addendum:

"I do not feel children under the legal age of feeling. And no children under the age of feeling were felt during the writting of this comment."

That is all. As you were.

Attila The Mom said...

Keep 'em coming!

212designs said...

ahhhhh

soul food..

thank you.

Bennet said...

Yah...stupid people doing stupid things for "joy", makes me laugh...

How about nut hammering?

Adventurous so and so enjoys smashing his testicals with a hammer "for the fun of it"...

Of course there would then be assholes trying to top that by jumping out of trains to land on their nuts...

Nut smashing will be the next new craze.

StringMan said...

Your last point is the best. Keep up the good work. We're depending on you.

Dave Morris said...

You are a mouthpiece from which spills every thought I've ever had, but was too stupid to write a commentary on.

Thanks for the genius.

Mom of Three said...

Yeah. We middle-aged white people have a copy of "Encore." I don't know how it happened, but it did.

We live in a town where cruise ships literally dock about six times a year. Great, hulking cities come to the port, blocking out the sun (which we don't get much of) (is that a dangling participle?) and each one dumps about 1,500 people into the downtown. The local chamber has estimated (as local chambers are wont to do) that each little cruiselet spends about $125 in our downtown. Needless to say, that's motivation enough for the town to roll out the red carpet. Strangely, however, they spend almost none of this on food. I think it's because their intestines are so clogged from cruise buffets by the time they disembark that they don't have any room.

Once again, providing more information than you wanted to know,

Mom of Three

Ari said...

I know I've said it before, at least sixty or seventy nine ways, but you hold court at the throne of awesomeness.

kim said...

fucking hilarious!! it was a pleasure to read ya ... and i agree about the hooch ..if hooch is what i think it is ? now im gonna go read all your other stuff :)

shpprgrl said...

Life as a Mountain Dew commercial! You said it well. I know a family that I not so lovingly refer to as 'the family that popped out of a LL Bean catalog'. As usual, profound thoughts you have here.

exile said...

if there's more to life that occational cooter in my face, i really don't care