6/09/2006

On the cutting room floor

I write a lot of stuff and then decide which of it I should post to my Snoop Bloggy Blog. Here's a collection of stuff that didn't make the cut. I've gathered it together and posted it here. It's very similar to how Wendy's makes chili by using all the throw-away hamburger meat. Bon appetit...

The inner-voice

Have you noticed that the only time you're comfortable talking to yourself is when you're driving? I talk to myself while I'm driving, but I have to admit they're not the most elevated conversations.

“Hmm. I could really use a burger right now. I think I’ll hit the Carl’s Jr. on Broadway.”

“If you take yourself to fast food one more time I’m going to enter into a murder-suicide pact with the guy in the mirror. Douche bag.”

Imagine talking to yourself in the grocery line. “Look at this idiot. It clearly says 8 or less items.” “Ewww! He’s this fat bastard is buying hemorrhoid cream. I’d hate to be his index finger.” “Ah, come on! Who puts canned peaches on a Visa?”

A guy could get into a fight easily if he talked to himself in the grocery line.


Self-awareness

Have you ever written something, forgotten about and then read it years later? It gives you the same feeling as when you're singing along to the CD player when it suddenly craps out, and all you hear is your own voice. Yikes! Or when you catch a glimpse of yourself wearing running shorts in a security camera television.


Employees must wash hands, come to terms with reality

It reassures me to see the “employees must wash hands before returning to work” sign on the back side of the restroom door. But I see a missed opportunity. As long as they’ve got the employees' attention, why not remind them “employees must remember not to screw drive-thru customers out of their fries?” Or how about, “if you wouldn't have majored in Anthropology, you wouldn't be flipping' burgers. Now grab a mop, McIndiana Jones.”


My proctologist needs a stool sample, but I don't give a shit.


If it's free, it's crap

Whenever I complain about Blogger's crappy service, somebody points out that it's free. Well, so is having sex with me. But I try to do a decent job at least. Jeez!

"Hey, LBB can you not punch me in the back of the head when you do me from behind?"

"Hey, quit complaining. I'm doing you for free."


The latest fashion

Why do fashions make a comeback every twenty years? It's like we all get together and say, "Hey, this wasn't that stupid. In fact, it was pretty cool." Then we wear it for a few months and think, "You know, this was pretty gay. I no longer wish to be a member of Member's Only."


Dear God

I realized God has a sense of humor when I noticed that every time I prayed to win the lottery, the next day I got a jury summons in the mail.


Super duper glue

Super glue now comes in different formulas. You can buy one for wood, plastic, cement, wood-on-cement, plastic-on-glass. Or you can buy the one I keep buying on accident -- index-finger-on-middle finger. Finger fusion formula seems to be the only one that works. The things I'm trying to stick together won't hold for 30 seconds, but once I glue my fingers together I can't separate them with battery acid and a blow torch.


Men and women, ups and downs

I know men and women have different preferences for the toilet seat's stand-by position. I'm open-minded about the debate. But something bothers me. I've asked women why it's so important to leave the toilet seat down, and several of them have told me that if it isn't down, they'll accidentally sit on it and FALL IN! These women weren't kidding. According to women, falling in is a risk of leaving the seat up.

HOW THE HELL CAN THAT BE?

Here’s some advice: Inspect any area upon which you plan to place your ass. I'm not a type-A personality, nor do I suffer from obsessive/compulsive neurosis. Nevertheless, I always check conditions before I put my ass anywhere. It just makes sense. A precursory assay of the thing you plan to use for a seat is necessary to avoid injury, embarrassment, and foreign bodies accidentally lodged in the rectum.

Unless you're Hellen Keller or as drunk as Ted Kennedy at a martini-tasting contest, it shouldn't matter whether the toilet seat is up or down.

Incidentally, why do commercials tell you about the designs on toilet paper? You wipe your ass with it. Does it really need to be pretty? I don't care what it looks like, as long as it doesn’t contain any sandpaper, fiberglass or jalapeno.


It's a lifesaver

Do you realize that someday, somebody's going to shoot somebody and the bullet is going to hit the victim in a pack of Life Savers candy he has in his pocket, and the Life Savers will actually have saved his life! I can't wait for that to happen because it'll be really cool and plus they can make it into a great commercial for Life Savers. Unless the bullet is strong enough to go through, in which case it'll just be ironic.

51 comments:

Laurie said...

God, I'm going ot miss these ramblings.

Go CARL'S Jr. on BROADWAY!!!!

Blogarita said...

Great, as always!

Jon said...

I can't believe that I just read a donkey knockout joke.

WanderingGirl said...

I agree about the toilet paper!! I mean, really!

And, from now on I'm carrying LifeSavers in every available pocket. I want to be that girl who the LifeSavers actually saved. And I'm carrying them in back pockets too, becaue I don't want to be shot in the chest and have anyone say "Geeze, too bad they got her in the ass. The ones in the front pocket saved her heart, but she died from a fatal ass wound." That would be terrible.

shpprgrl said...

Be still my heart.....Members Only, knit Levi Jeans, terry cloth shirts with a band at the bottom and lace up suede Hushpuppies...all with a dash of Stetson, or Carrington. Geez, I'm hoping all of it comes back.

tornwordo said...

Caught me off guard with the "catching yourself in running shorts on the security camera", so painfully true.

I love that you said "on accident". I say that too, even though I'm told it's wrong.

I'm glad these previously snubbed ditherings were able to see the light of day.

Peter said...

Even the stuff that didn't make the cut is hilarious Bugs.

Spinning Girl said...

For leftover-meat chili, this was damn good. I laughed out loud THREE WHOLE TIMES.

"AG" said...

"Whenever I complain about Blogger's crappy service, somebody points out that it's free. Well, so is having sex with me. But I try to do a decent job at least. Jeez!"

No. You wrote in your other post, "Step one: get a partner! Step two: insert here. Step three: withdraw. Step four: repeat as necessary."

That's lame sex. ;)

Me said...

I just made my way over from Hootch's blog.

In regards to the toilet, I don't think women fall in on purpose--unless they have some weird toilet freak going on. Speaking for myself though, I've "fallen in" once and only once. It was dark, I was sleepy, and I didn't really want to wake up. But, splish splash, I fell in. Yes, I was mad...but then I realized that my ass and hips and whatnot was smalller than the hole. So, in a sick way, it worked out to be a positive esteem building experience.

Yes, yes...I'm weird. But like I said, I came over from Hootch's blog! :)

Merle said...

Hi LLB ~~ These were all pretty funny.
Loved the lifesaver and I buy the same sort of super glue as you !! Had a good laugh. Take care, Merle.

60 and counting said...

If I keep making some of th comments I make. Maybe I had better get me some lifesavers.

Webmiztris said...

god, where do I start with a comment? every one of these was hysterical!

the thing with the toilet lid is that sometimes it's hard to tell that it's up. so we don't even notice that it's up and then before you know it, our ass is IN the toilet bowl. Oh, just put the damn seat down, would ya!!!? ;)

phlegmfatale said...

Um, can I sue you because of the tip of a human finger I found in my portion of your blog chili?

PBS said...

Ha ha those were great! And covered such a wide range of subjects. I'm going to start carrying a pack of lifesavers in my pocket. Maybe a pack in my hat might save me from a headshot, but I'd have to start wearing a hat, then.

jules said...

The Dear God and the jury summons has happened to me as well. And jalapeno toilet paper? Yeowwwwwwww.

Elaine said...

I'll tell ya how a woman can get dunked in the toilet. Late at night, dark, sleepy, just gotta pee real quick (yawn)...... SPLASH!!!

[insert cursing here] THEN as you wipe your ass, you realize hubby didn't flush the toilet after he peed [insert more cursing here along with some throwing of wet toilet paper at said husband's head]

Painter Beach Girl said...

I wonder where wearing shorts with heels happened in the history of fashion. I just cant bring myself to do it.

Free crap...yeah, why does that excuse it from being perfect? I liek the free sex analogy. priceless.

Chris-el-da said...

this is the stuff that gets cut?
your sex is free?
damn... where do i sign up???

Softball Slut said...

I cameth from a landeth far away or just Lauries blog. Anyways, that was some funny stuff. The whole toilet thing though, man that is serious. Once your va jayjay touches peed in water or water that was pooed in and your va jay jay goes crawling up around your neck then you will realize. Trust me if I could stand and pee I would. It would keep those weeds from sticking up my butt when I pee in the woods.

As always... Rachael said...

Any comedian would be lucky to crawl around on your cutting room floor! Well done!

Tense Teacher said...

These were priceless...and this is the stuff that was cut?
And the whole toilet seat up is mostly a problem if we have to get up to use the facilities in the middle of the night and don't want to turn the light on.

Amandarama said...

Who puts canned peaches on Visa? Well, that'd be the same guy who realizes that Visa's repo men can't repossess lap dances and champagne.

I love credit cards...

Frap Gurl said...

I can say I have NEVER put canned peaches on my VISA!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

yeah, the latest fashions. I still have a few more years to wait, I guess, before my neon yellow CHOOSE LIFE t-shirt becomes cool again

Mom of Three said...

What are you doing sitting here reading my dumb comment? WHY aren't you writing comedy for TV? God knows, they could use someone who's actually FUNNY!

Weary Hag said...

This post begs a very lengthy comment but I will refrain since I'm still just getting my feet wet in the blogging world again.

Speaking of getting things wet though, I don't mind so much plunking my ass into the icy cold terlit water as long as there's plenty of finely decorated TP on hand with which to wipe it dry. Besides, it has occurred to me that any woman complaining about the seat being left up should shut up and be happy her ass can still FIT into the toilet hole. Not every ass fits you know.

Regarding the super glue - having recently undergone a surgical procedure, I can tell you that there is an all-new super glue in the medical world. That is what they used to hold together the scalpeled skin of my right hooter. I kid you not. (they told me beforehand that this would be the suture of choice and they even referred to it as "skin glue")

Marvelous collection of rejects LBB. So is the title of your next book "Rejected Writings; Can't Sell Them, Can't Keep Them To Yourself."

(and thanks tons for your well wishes in the past couple of weeks; greatly appreciated!)

Well I'll be dipped in shit, I didn't refrain after all. Go figure.

frozen ananas said...

free and crappy, i can accept, though i'll have to seriously reconsider being punched in the head while getting laid for free. not tonight deahlin', i still have a headache from last night's romp.

what drives me up the wall is when it's not free and crappy. or worse, when i paid for premium service and get off the scale crap.!

they should introduce money back guarantee, even on things that are free. how's that for customer service!

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StringMan said...

I'm with Peter, Bug: your throw-away stuff is superior to most of the stuff I see posted on many other blogs these days.

By the way, finger fusion super glue pales by comparision to the finger-to-dick fusion glue I once experienced. Don't ask.

Ari said...

LBB's trash is the bloggerworld's treasure. What happens to all those muthafuckin' missing bags o' fries anyway?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Amazing.

Even your "cutting room floor-crap" is hilarous. How the hell do you do that???

LaunderLust said...

I actually fell in once! It was embarassing! I awoke in the middle of the night and had to go -- but not urinate -- and WHAM! It's my own fault. I live alone, so I had nobody to blame but the poltergeist who lives with me.

Oh, and you can donkey punch me anytime. (I might even pay.)

Jenni said...

Funny, my sister and I were just having a conversation about how if I didn't have the ability to think before I spoke, therefore speaking out loud, I would most probably be dead by now.

Especially that whole grocery line thing.

Attila The Mom said...

"Whenever I complain about Blogger's crappy service, somebody points out that it's free. Well, so is having sex with me. But I try to do a decent job at least. Jeez!"

Bahahaha! Brilliant!

❉ pixie ❉ said...

With regards to the toilet—I don't have a problem with falling in, I have a problem with getting up while it's still dark and realizing that someone didn't lift the seat when he pissed and managed to piss all over the seat where I just put my ass. So, my arguement is not putting the seat back down, but actually lifting the lid in the first place.

Blonde Vigilante said...

You amuse me to no end.

Edgy Mama said...

Sex with you is free? Hurrah!

One caveat: no conversations with yourself allowed during the act.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Hey, LBB, you almost got enough here for another book. I'm still in a buying mood.

Crimson said...

Love this. I want to print it out and stick it on the fridge ;)

Miss Cellania said...

Don't ask me what I think of Blogger. Grrrr...

nongirlfriend said...

The toilet thing CAN actually happen. You just have to have a small enough ass for it to occur. Thank God, I do.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

But if the Lifesavers were 3/4 finished and therefore able to be end-on in the unfortunate shootee's pocket, the bullet might go straight through the holes in the confectionary!

That would be post-ironic.

Becky said...

Thrown away burnt hamburger meat goes into the chili actually! The stuff that gets too burnt to still serve in a bun!

Becky said...

I use to work the grill, yeah I'm tough!

Riss said...

I have fallen in in the past.

It's not easy to remember to check the toilet seat when it's 4 am and you've been drinking since 6pm. Especially if you forget to turn on the light becuase you're drunk.

keda said...

do you know how difficult it is to make something up to placate 2 kids who have just witnessed tea flying from your nose and your body spasming for at least a minute beecause you just read

"Hey, LBB can you not punch me in the back of the head when you do me from behind?"

"Hey, quit complaining. I'm doing you for free."

and they want to know why??

you make my life so damn difficult. but highly peasurable. nothings free!

Oh great One said...

Exactly! That's what I'm talking about!

Lil Bit said...

LOL!

My inner voice never shuts up.

And about the damn toilet seats... If it's up & you need it down, put it down. And vice versa.
/end of debate.

;)

Great ramblings, man.

Carrie said...

'I'd hate to be his index finger' My God man, you kill me! :) What is it with the superglue only gluing skin together - it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch to rip your fingers apart when that happens. Good point about the lifesavers, that would be totally cool or totally ironic. :)

kari said...

The reason you put the 'ring' down when you are done is so that the woman who uses the toilet next doesn't sit in the puddle of pee you guys make on the edge with your splitters and splatters. Notoriously bad aim is a skill most men are good at.