6/07/2006

Un-necessity is the mother of anger

Problems don't anger us. Unnecessary problems do. I think that's why so many of us today are so angry. We fabricate a huge amount of unnecessary bullshit. In the good ole days, our problems were necessary and unavoidable. You couldn't control the weather that led to the Great Dust Bowl of the 1930s. Nobody could prevent tyrants like Stalin and Hitler (although you could kill them, thank God). You couldn't stop small pox or polio or the clap. You just had to tough it up. And things were tough, all right. But they were tough out of necessity, so nobody got angry.

The infuriating thing about today's problems is that they're preventable. Here's one example. Microsoft Word. Have you ever formated a document, deleted a portion of it, and then realized that MS Word “remembers” what you were trying to do, so it insists on imposing that format on your new writing? Then is starts doing all this weird shit to you document that you never asked for in the first place. It changes fonts, forces indenting, moves bullet marks. Stop trying to help me, MS Word. Don't try to read my mind. Just print what I type, where I type it. Then I can stop sending hate-mail to Microsoft and redirect my venom to Steve Jobs, that pothead.

Typing a resume in MS Word is like getting your dick caught in your zipper. You realize that a little temporary stupidity on your part is going to lead to 10 times the pain and anguish you deserve. That's what using MS Word is like. Or, it's like that girl who insists on “helping” you fuck her. Hold still, bitch. Jeez. I've been doing this since I was 16. I don't need help. In fact, most of the times I do this, I do it all by myself.

Enough about MS Word. Here's another example of how we make things more difficult than they have to be. Have you ever opened a bottle of antifreeze, cleaning agent or some other poisonous substance? What do you find? A safety seal! What is the manufacturer worried about? I'm not going to drink this stuff. Are they afraid somebody will poison it? It's already poison. And even if somebody makes it more poisonous, I'm not going to drink it, anyway. Stop making us peel off useless safety seals. And if you must continue this contemptible practice, then at least make the seal rip off with one tear. It's like they perforate the thing down the middle or something.

Why do you think driving is so aggravating? Because many roadway pitfalls are preventable. Red lights are an obstacle to every destination. But nobody gets angry at a red light because we all understand they're necessary for safe, orderly driving. But when we catch a red light because some dipship in the left lane was window shopping strip malls, we naturally feel the urge to shoot somebody. If everybody drove the speed limit, maintained their lane, respected the right of way and refused to yield to pedestrians and bicyclists, we'd have peace and harmony on the roadways. A man can dream.

Sometimes I think we have a deep, psychological need to make things more complicated than they have to be. Here's an example: Sex. It's fun. It's wonderful. It's the Great Motivator. But it's not complicated stuff, contrary to the 17,000 sex guides, tapes, books and seminars. We've gone and complicated the easiest thing on the planet. Twenty billion of us lived, procreated and died before the first “How to Please Your Man in Bed” article appeared in Cosmopolitan Magazine.

What's the mystery? You want great sex? I'll tell you how. Step one: get a partner! Step two: insert here. Step three: withdraw. Step four: repeat as necessary. Just because you're blowing a load doesn't mean you need a degree in fluid mechanics. It's sex, people. If it weren't simple, we wouldn't be here.

All the human race shares two opposing traits: the love of simplicity, and the instinct to complicate the simple things -- proof that God has a sense of humor.

28 comments:

Laurie said...

HAHAHAHA!

For real.

You crack my ass up.

I agree about the poison shit.

Seriously.

poopie said...

Dang. Who would've thought that LBB held the keys to the universe. Since Hoss is buddies with Bill G we might could get him to shout out about that MS word thing.

NWJR said...

A post so nice you put it up twice.

I'd love to see the reaction you get when you tell your partner "hold still, bitch!"

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

wait, wait, wait...go over those sex instructions one more time.

Spinning Girl said...

I don't know, antifreeze is pleasantly tangy-sweet and looks suspiciously like The Dew.

StringMan said...

Now I'm not sure if my dick is sore from sex or Microsoft Word - I dun 'em both.

Elaine said...

I can't even comment sometimes because you say it all for me.

Sex IS simple. Its the foreplay that gets the mens all screwed up. Its like tickling..only slower....Well shiiiit.. that's simple too isn't it??

Bennet said...

LOL,..so true.

I hate using the phrase:" Nobody seems to give a shit these days." because shit is actually the thing most people do seem willing to give most of all.

As for driving...I want to invent something that conveys a loud message to drivers who rear end me when I'm driving 65 or over in a 55...
I'd slam my brakes and end their pitiful lives, but since I drive a Honda Civic, I don't think it would do the kind of damage I'd hope for....Some day I'll install a dumptruck bumper.

Peter said...

. Step one: get a partner!

I knew I was doing something wrong, thanks Bugs

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"when we catch a red light because some dipship in the left lane was window shopping strip malls, we naturally feel the urge to shoot somebody.

Oh my God...you have NO idea. If it's not an 85 year old who can barely see above the steering wheel, it's a tourist who has ABSOLUTELY no idea where the hell he's going. Until I finally TELL him where to go, that is....;)

Makes me glad I don't carry my gun in my car because I am 99.9% SURE I'd have shot a bad driver YEARS ago.

You rock, LBB...;)

nongirlfriend said...

No truer words have been said.

You don't yield to pedestrians? There are laws here that make people do that. Which is why I walk out in front of cars all the time. And it's not why I got hit by one in February.

mcBlogger said...

Step one: get a partner. Too bad I have some to ensure good quality control in this area. Would make it a much simpler step.

I don't know about ketchup bottles in the states but the ketchup in canada has the penultamate safety seal on it. You literally have to stab it with a sharp knife. Butter knife just wont do it. How's that for superfluous packaging?

Becky said...

So true! When I feel the urge to "please myself" I always wonder before or right after, if the angels were watching and laughing at me, lmao!

phlegmfatale said...

With irony, I always say "isn't it great how computers and electronics make our lives SO much simpler?!"

Carrie said...

"Stop trying to help me, MS Word" I can't tell you how many times I have uttered that same sentence... sometimes the 'help' ends up adding an extra hour to my job trying to undo all the crap MS does!

As always, you hit the nail on the head with all your points. :)

blah said...

funny stuff.....

CP said...

I can't stand people who complain about not having sex. For Gawd's sake. So long as you have two functioning hands, sex is available to you!

Imagine being an amputee? No hands to rock the cock? No fingers to coddle the clit.

Yes, THOSE are big problems.

*whew* I shudder at the thought.

CP.

Ari said...

Aristotle said people naturally prefer what's more complicated. It seems to explain a lotta things.

Latigo Flint said...

You are clearly a Titan LBB.

Junebugg said...

All you need for great sex it to plainly tell your partner what you want, where and how hard. "To the left, faster, oh yeah baby!"
The problem most people have is being too afraid/bashful to ask for what they want. Do you like your ear nibbled while being diddled? Tell your partner, he/she ain't psychic!!!

Lyvvie said...

I think the trouble started with the search for the g-spot. After that people thought there was so much more to this sex stuff than just the basics. But you're right, the basics are good enough.

PBS said...

Ha ha, you could write one of those best-selling "Live Simply" books!

jules said...

"Step one: get a partner! Step two: insert here. Step three: withdraw. Step four: repeat as necessary." It really IS that simple.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Sex is simple, but some people do suck at it and need help. I find that whips and chains can turn a bad partner into a good partner in no time flat. All they need is a little training. I'm a woman of the 90's...I know how to tell you what I want. Now get to it!

Riss said...

Beautiful post and so fricken true.

We've spoiled ourselves really. I think about this when I read about protestors. Life used to be a lot worse.

kari said...

I don't have a dick. But I'm fairly certain I got the point.

Dave Morris said...

"Repeat as necessary." Ah yes, but necessary to which person? Me. Always me.

exile said...

sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's still kinda good

(of course we could get into the whole cold pizza vs necrophilia thing with this one...)