6/28/2006

Workplace blues

The workplace is too boring. Somebody should do something to fix that. After all, most of us spend 8 hours per day at work. We're there to work, naturally, but we shouldn't have to be bored all the time. Work is so boring that we get excited over things that shouldn't excite us, like Casual Fridays. What's the big treat? Ooh. It's Friday. Today I get to dress how I... normally do! Is this something to get excited about? Something to celebrate? Screw casual. I think you should be able to dress up as your favorite super-hero. I'd go as Professor Xavier from the X-Men. He uses a wheelchair, so I'd finally be able to park in the handicap parking! Two birds, one stone. And just think, all the women would have to come as Wonder Women and Catgirls. Tie your magic lasso around this, baby.

Speaking of parking, how about the employee-of-the-month parking spot? This really gets our blood flowing. How exciting! A parking space closer to the time-clock so we can start our workday even earlier. This is how bored we are at work. We're willing to slit each other's throats for the privilege of 1 month's covered parking. And our employers grant us the parking space so magnanimously. Congratulations on an incredibly productive month, LBB. We really appreciate your efforts here. So for the rest of this month, you can park in the EOTM lot.

Gee, thanks. I slave away in my cubicle like Kunta Kinte and you give me my very own parking space? You're a regular Mother Theresa. I hope the plumber gives you the clap by way of your wife's cooter.

Here's another hallmark of workplace boredom: the frenzy over bagels. Bagels! Somebody brings a bag of bagels and it's the Second Coming and a Pearl Jam concert mixed into one groovy breakroom bash. Around 0830, you'd swear bagels cured cancer. But by noon, they evidently cause impotence. Nobody touches a bagel after 10. They become radioactive. Usually that one with the chunks of onion and garlic is the unloved orphan. But in the early morning, those bagels are like ambrosia. You know you're in an environment of depravity when a bag of rounded bread causes a stampede. Oh, somebody brought bagels. There's bagels. Oh my God. Tell me there's some cream cheese for these bagels. Hey, no fair! Who ate the poppy seeded one?

That may be the most salient statement on workplace indignity: we're willing to trade our honor for an extra bagel. Indeed, there is no honor among bagels. We'll grab a second poppy seed bagel and leave our closest friend, ally and comrade with the garlic-and-onion plutonium bagel, even though he hasn't had a chance to eat his first one yet. Too bad, Chuck. You should have gotten here earlier instead of taking care of that customer. Better luck at lunchtime. I hear Suzie's bringing a crock pot of weenies.

Here's a trend that's catching on: workplace massages. Employers are hiring massage therapists to visit the office and chair-massage the staff (Insert “happy ending” joke here. Get it -- staff?) The only happy ending I know about happens at 5 o'clock. That's when I take my stale bagel, walk to my covered parking lot and get the fuck outta there. Damn, I forgot my dignity in my cubicle!

We should try to have more fun at work. Maybe then our employers wouldn't be able to hold bagels and parking spaces over our heads and make us dance like dogs.

68 comments:

keda said...

yeah.

so, become a massage therapist! dress how you like, cruise the cubicles, and then you can get all the best bagels too... you really do want to give me the poppy seeded one or i'ma hurt our right forearm so bad you are gonna pray for the mean old onion one just to bite on while i chinese burn you to your covered parking space.

randommoments said...

My boss is letting us have casual Friday this week but get this: its so we won't get our regular work clothes dirty while we clean out the storage room.

So yeah, we get to wear 'em, but only because he's decided this is the day we'll do some spring cleaning.

Makes me want to stab him in his left eyeball with a lead pencil. Napoleon complex MF'r.

JJ said...

LOL @ keda's comment.

Do self- employeds have more fun (like blondes?) or does it still suck ass having to chase The Mighty Dollar? Work reeks.

Snooze said...

This post was bang on and I just about died laughing reading it. I'm not in a corporate environment anymore so the horror of casual days is no longer an issue, but you are so right about the bagels. With us it's leftovers from board meetings. You would think we were not paid at all the way people get so excited at the thought of free food.

kissashark said...

Never been a big bagel fan not to mention I say the word in an odd way and everyone makes fun of me so I avoid the bagels to avoid the criticism, I really like the idea of Superhero Friday....imagine how much fun that would be!

Softball Slut said...

I work at a bank, and therefore we have uniforms. That they make us buy. It sucks. I am poor. So I have a small amount of shirts. Seriously, like 2. So they get dirty and stay dirty until I can afford to wash them. It happens. And I cant eat at my station. They can. But I cant. It sucks. I want to wear jeans.

Oh great One said...

That's too funny! I've been out of the workforce for awhile now but I do remember the frenzy over bagels or donuts. Anything beats the vending machine!

shpprgrl said...

I had a boss once that saved free crap he got. (pens, notepads, calendars, etc. from supply companies) He had this little ceremony where he presented everyone something from his treasure chest. We all knew it was free, and obviously weren't impressed by his gifts. THe worst thing was that he was soooo excited about it. He was a goon.

frozen ananas said...

it's a world wide phenomenon! only here in france, it's croissants and not bagels. bring a bag of them and i'm suddenly the birthday girl in the office. the chocolate ones disappear first... hate the raisin ones.

for the rest of the morning, everybody's walking around with a greasy smile and the flakes all down their ties.

NWJR said...

It's things like this that make me happy to be self-employed.

Heidi the Hick said...

Self employment man. Work in your jammies with eyesnot crusted in the corners, while the washing machine does the laundry for ya. Sure, I get distracted sometimes, you know, with blogging...but I get stuff done. Now I have to find a way to get paid for all the pages and pages of brilliance that I churn out. In my jammies. With bedhead.

Violet said...

mmmmm.... bagels....

Can I be She-Ra, Princess of Power?

As always... Rachael said...

I'll come as wonder woman in the invisible jet. Oh I'll be there, working my tail off rest assured, but don't be alarmed if I appear to be absent that day...

Webmiztris said...

Being the only only employee where I work (besides my boss), I technically get the employee-of-the-month parking spot every month and let me tell ya, it's not all that great.... ;)

Eunice said...

Who actually works at work? There are people that do this? Egad!

Raggedy said...

That isn't an office. That's Hell with fluorescent lighting! You should all watch that movie Office Space. I sure hope the atmosphere gets better there. Hugs and have a wonderful evening.

Romantic Fool said...

Random, don't forget that not only do we get to wear jeans on Friday so we can do the spring cleaning but that we have to stay till 4 that day since the office will be closed on Monday and Tuesday!

I have to say that I agree with everything that was written in this posting and it made me laugh!

CP said...

Dance puppets, Dance!!!

Face it, the MAN has us by the short hairs.

This is why I go for Brazilians.

CP.

Spc. Freeman said...

This is why I'm glad to no longer be in the corporate environment. Course, now I'm even more a Tool of The Man than ever. And hey, I like onion bagels. Just not garlic.

Mom of Three said...

Hey, the joke's on you if there's a random drug test and you pop for heroin because of those poppy seeds.

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I think after 10am bagels can 2ble as spare tires for 18 wheelers.

Also, the superhero thing - does it count if you skip work and say you dressed up as the invisible bitch from the Fantastic 4?

Weary Hag said...

What I love most is the company Christmas party where they charge you $10 a head to dine on unrecognizable buffet treats (leftover from some other company party yesterday) and listen to a Zamphir wannabe playing his pan flute all night.
Open bar ... what's that anymore? Bastards.

I say keep your Christmas party and open up the fuckin snack machine for the day.

Fine gripes, LBB.

tornwordo said...

Like I always say, "The more perks they are offering you, the more money they are making off your back"

I give classes at a place that offers a twice monthly massage for the workers. They all grumble that they got that instead of a raise this year.

See?

Vicky said...

Hey! You are so right as far as workplace blues are concerend. Ofcourse, you get paid... but does workplace just remains a place where you spend 8 hrs everyday and get a paycheck at the end of the month.

And to top it all, stupid recreational concepts come up (curtsey Admin)...such as coffee lounge, internet cafe's... And someone recently came up with the suggestion of providing lemon water at the cafeteria...huh!!

jules said...

I'd go as the invisible woman. That way they'd never REALLY know if I were working or not. "Of course I was there boss. You just couldn't SEE me." Catwoman sucked. Sorry bug, it's true.

Dave Morris said...

What truly amazes me about bagels, donuts etc... is that somebody thought it was a good idea to leave a half-bagel for someone else.

Sure, maybe they're trying not to appear hoggish, but that half bagel never gets eaten. Who knows how it was halved!? Which grubby fingers tore it? Who might have licked it and giggled inwardly... probably the guy who was just hired out of a drive-thru.

Anyway, the half-bagel/half-donut phenomenon never ceases to amaze me...

Evydense said...

Rebel, I say! Rise up all of you disemboweled and emasculated corporate slaves. Rise up and rebel!!

Ari said...

Isn't that what blogging's for? ;)

mckay said...

i wanna have a good old fashioned office romance. making out in the copy room for a few minutes makes the day fly by. now THAT'S a perk.

p.s. i'm the person who cuts the bagels in half... but it's also me who usually goes back and eats the other half.

Elaine said...

YES! Dressing up as your favorite superhero fridays would RULE.

I remember getting super excited that my in the closet co-worker brought in a homemade quiche'. I felt a wave of satisfaction wash over me as I ate the delicious quiche' AND now had solid proof that he was, indeed gay and that my Gay-Dar Fag Hag satellite was still working even well after college. OH and I won a bet with some girl who couldn't find her fat ass with both hands let alone know who was straight or gay.

Suckah biatch.

mcBlogger said...

Now that you mention it, we DO get excited about bagels. I try to have fun at work, it's met with skeptasism, and reprimends.

Carrie said...

OMG! The Xavier - handicapped comment killed me! You are so damn funny!

You forgot about the office birthdays... urgh, we have that today. People freak out about free cake. It's so sad. :)

Blonde Vigilante said...

I will never understand brining bagels to the workplace. If there isn't a toaster...why eat a bagel?

Amandarama said...

At public high schools you don't get any of those things. Nothing. Not even a poppy seed bagel.

If I ever came in to work on a Friday dressed as a super hero, I think my freshmen boys' heads would explode.

I think I would be Elektra.

Notta Wallflower said...

Jeez, your workplace puts mine to shame. We do have dress up days, at least - like pajama day, backwards day (where everything you wear should either be put on backwards or inside out), and twin day. Oh yes, and crazy hair day. That is, for me, every day.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Big old cook at my Dad's logging camp had one pie. She told everybody, "If anybody wants pie, I'll cut it," while holding her great big knife. She still has that pie, I think, now that it's about 80 years old.

Crimson said...

I really like the Superhero Day :)

Barry S. said...

That is spot on with the bagels. I bring them in occasionally and my fellow employees must smell them in the parking lot.

I think it is free food in general. We get free lunch simply by waiting around after meetings end. We aren't good enough to go to the meeting and eat, so we wait around for 2 hours, starving and salivating, until they leave the meeting room. Meanwhile, our lunches we packed are sitting in our fridge unloved.

PBS said...

Oh, that is all so true, unfortunately. Add in the office party for true (and unpaid but mandatory) misery.

Molicious said...

You wanna borrow my wheelchair? ;o)

Becky said...

Something about the office that just makes people become starving Ethiopians....

Riss said...

I came back to re-read it and it was just as funny the second time.

Hey I know what makes me happy to work for a corporation. The company picnic. Sitting in a park with all the people you see every day, getting bitten by mosquitos, being served no liquor, and yet trying to look as if you're having a great time so the bosses don't see how bitter you are.

Jenni said...

My office is in my home therefore I know nothing about this bagel phenemonon of which you speak, however, if I worked in an office that provided bagels, and I could actually EAT them (pesky wheat allergy) I would totally go for the garlic pleutonium bagel.

Just so I could talk very loud and watch as my co-workers tried to uncomfortably remove themselves from my breath path.

Stirring the pot.

CaCaBoy said...

Work does suck. I'm still waitting for my lottery retirement plan to kick in!

Sylvana said...

I love to bake, but I don't like all that sugar-filled, fattening stuff sitting around the house so I bring it to work to pawn it off on my coworkers. Chocolate truffle cake, cream puffs, cheesecake... now THAT'S something to get excited about!

Spinning Girl said...

I love the day after Christmas vaca when everyone brings in their leftover cookies and throws them on the staff room table.

The Humanity Critic said...

Man, you spoke the truth. Right before Friday, because the monotony of the work week has warped my reality, I get gather my "casual clothes" with excitement, like I'm a kid anticipating "Show and Tell". How sad is that??..lol

phlegmfatale said...

I should be more careful - I 'bout snorted a drink of water out my nose when I read "garlic-and-onion plutonium bagel". I love you. I seriously love the shit out of your writing - hilarious.

poopie said...

We do donuts instead of bagels. And dammit..I've never even gotten a parking spot!

nettie said...

I get excited about jeans. I'm sad.

Trundling Grunt said...

If our employers can make us dance that easily it's because we let them. You're right about the fun part of it - if work is fun then you don't need that sort of crap to motivate you.

Peter said...

Great stuff as usual Bugs.

Frap Gurl said...

I love the onion bagels! Shhhhsh!

Memphis Steve said...

We've got that whole shebang, except instead of bagels it's donuts. And there is no covered parking spot anywhere, but there is the one spot way over in the corner that gets a little shaded around 5 o'clock so that your car is less than 150 degrees inside if you're lucky enough to get it. It's funny the things we'll take as a gift when the conditions are right. The sociopaths I endured at FedEx considered a cubical by the window to be a sign that God loves you more than everyone else. They'd do absolutely anything to prevent me or anyone else they didn't like from getting one of those spots. What's the big deal? You're looking out at the parking lot. Yeeha. "God must love me more than you. I've got a cubical looking at the parking lot!" Yeah, whatever.

Johnny Virgil said...

My god, man! Look at the quantity of comments. Here's what burns my ass about where I work -- we came really close to being casual all the time -- we never interface with clients or the public. We're an IT organization, so it makes sense. BUT the reason they decided to nix that idea? So they can bribe us with it for charity donations. You can BUY dress down days from JDF, march of dimes, etc. It's pretty ridiculous.

PlatinumGirl said...

Yeah, people get pretty fired up over free food at the office. And usually it's crap -- but if you leave it out in a common aread, it WILL disappear!

PlatinumGirl said...

Um, I meant AREA.

Sudiegirl said...

Truer words hath never been spoken...especially the bagel stuff. I always get stuck with the garlic one.

Scottsdale Girl said...

I lurves me the onion and garlic one...save it for me next time. But I prefer the PLAIN SCHMEAR, no freaking Garden Veggie shit mmkay?

Toni said...

Oh man, I've always been a fan of the leftovers from board meetings and such. Free food is great, no matter how much money I make. Granted, I'm currently a poor grad student who works part time, but I bet that if I were the President of a company, I'd still be first in line for the free food.

Chad said...

Wait. You're in Phoenix and you want to pass on a shaded parking spot? Are you insane?

I lived in Tempe for a year. I moved to Hell so I could get better weather.

I saw a man driving with oven mits on both hands. I thought, "That man is a frickin' genius. G-E-N-I-U-S!"

Bagels to suck. Were's the communal prime rib?

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I keep wanting technology to progress to the point that our only one responsiblity would be to wake up , push a button....Then you're done and you can go back to bed....

I can dream dammit.

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