7/25/2006

Am I weird or what

I eat things off the floor. I've made peace with my habit. Just the other night I ate some tempura shrimp off my own welcome mat. I grilled the shrimp outdoors. As I was bringing the bounty inside, a shrimp scalded my hand. I dropped a few of those bitches on my welcome mat -- the dirtiest surface in my home, other than my hard drive. Anyway, I ate the shrimp. They cost me 10 bucks. I don't care if I accidentally fried them in transmission fluid. I was eating them!

But last night I literally ate pizza out of the garbage. Here's how it happened:

About nine years ago I discovered a phenomenal pizza parlor, Rosati's, and ever since I've been putting the owner's kids through college. The pizzas are sublime. I shouldn't even call them “pizza,” because they're so much more than what the reader understands as “pizza.” It's pizza in the academic sense: it's flat, round, dough bottom, cheese top, tomato sauce in the middle. But it eats more like Ambrosia or some other delicacy of the Gods. I'm not kidding, folks. This pizza is divine. It's the stuff of miracles. If I had one of these pizzas delivered to Heaven, Mother Theresa herself would roll around naked in it, moaning in sensual delight. Still not catching my drift? Alright: If pizza were pussy, this pizza is a Paris Hilton.

I had one delivered the other night. The wife and kid were at the movies so I had the pizza all to myself. It arrived. I ate all I could while touching myself inappropriately and then prepared myself for a trip to my gymnasium. I don't know if I was in a gluttony induced trance or what, but I threw the pizza box into my trash receptacle without removing the remainder of pizza. About 45 minutes into my workout at the gym, I remembered that I hadn't removed the precious contents of the box, which now rested atop several bags of garbage in a trash receptacle on the driveway (it was trash night). Damn!

I cut my workout short and raced home. I opened the trash receptacle, retrieved the pizza (which thankfully remained safely within the box) and sealed it in Tupperware. The pizza showed no signs of contamination. No foreign bodies, no particulate matter, no insect larvae. Check, check and check. However, I could not rule out airborne contamination between the neighboring refuse and the pizza. I'd have to take that chance. The next day, I ate every piece without flinching. It tasted great. I didn't get sick. I don't believe any neighbors saw me remove the pizza from the trash. I prevented a disaster and salvaged one heck of a tasty breakfast.

So am I weird or what?

69 comments:

Amandarama said...

I don't think you're weird, but I also just got back from something colloquially termed "Nerd Prom" so I may not be the best judge on that.

djmetronome said...

mmm, i dont know bout trash pizza, but cold breakfast pizza is truly a wonderfull thing.

NWJR said...

"Alright: If pizza were pussy, this pizza is a Paris Hilton."

I was with you right up until then, but now I think the pizza sounds skanky.

NeverEnough said...

You're weird in such a beautiful way. Beautiful as in Paris Hilton's pussy...

Becky said...

No, not at all. My husband will eat off anything too! The old saying, god made dirt, and dirt don't hurt, then the infamous ten second rule, he uses them all!

"Alright: If pizza were pussy, this pizza is a Paris Hilton."-So does that mean that everyone has had a piece of this pizza...

gael_cee said...

Nope, no way that's weird. I've cooked meat right on the coals of a fire, Tarzan style. Hard core campers learn that dirt, charcoal and maybe even the odd bug or two doesn't hurt a thing.

I would of yanked that pizza outta there in a heartbeat.

Rick said...

Aw-w-w, ma-a-an, you had me, right up until Paris Hilton. Now I gotta go take a shower (and not the fun kind).

Dave Morris said...

You're weird, but not for any reason in this post. That pizza sounds phenomenal.

And I have NO problem with your comparison to Paris Hilton's cooch, I believe that any man who found himself alone with her in a hotel room would promptly slide her the foaming bone. He might not tell anyone, but he'd do it, I guaran-goddamn-tee you that.

Renee said...

yeah, you are weird...but not about the pizza. About Paris...gimme a break that girl is expensive trash.

Miss Cellania said...

I don't know about weird, but you pay too much for shrimp. Yeah, weird, because Paris is a bag of bones who considers herself to be above you and everyone else.

jules said...

Honey, you are so beyond weird, and this is just the tip of the iceburg. Good thing the pizza wasn't at the BOTTOM of the trash (although I doubt that would have stopped you.)

QOS said...

i've eaten twinkies that i dropped in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
the five-second rule can always be counted one, one-and-a-half, one-and-three-fourths. . .four-and-ninety-five-one-hundreths, four-and-ninety-six-one-hundreths. . .

randommoments said...

You're not weird. I've been known to throw half a box of Jack in the Box bacon cheddar potato wedges in the trash after a drunken night so as not to get fat off eating the the entire greasy mess, rethink this waste of bacon cheesy goodness (and a buck 99) and retrieve the little wedges.

You're safe now little pots, you're safe.

Heidi the Hick said...

I'll tell you what I love about this:

Look how many people confessed to eating trash!!!!!

I gotta get my man to read this. He'll feel so right with the world.

Chad said...

Yet, again. Yet, again.

So this place delivers? I'm staying in downtown Phoenix next month. Do you think I'll be in their "area?"

Sounds very similar to Trio's Pizza, just around the corner from my house. I've been putting fresh gold chains on those hairy guys for years. After all the money I've spent there, they make Mr. T look like Disco Stu.

Heart Of Darkness said...

I've spent hours rampaging through garbage, looking for keys, valets and false teeth (when I was working in a nursing home), but I never actually ate anything from the trash... does't sound appetizing to me, but hell, do as you please - your mat, your shrimps, go for it!

CP said...

Okay.

When you said you would eat shrimp off the doormat, that pretty much assured you a place between Paris Hilton's thighs.

That was gross enough.

But, now...on top of all of that, I have to insert "foaming bone" into my daily vocabulary.

I imagine any bone that comes out of Paris Hilton has a bit of froth to it.

You know, leftovers. From the night before.

CP.

Peter said...

I could understand your desire not to waste the pizza Bugs, but Paris Hilton is way beyond weird.

mcBlogger said...

I say not weird. I'd do the same for cake. Although, I dare say cutting a work out short to save your pizza is a bit extreme, but entertaining.

NYCbeauty said...

One of the only things I'm a NY snob about is pizza. Come HERE and I'll show you pizza....and no tacky Arizona Paris Hilton Pizza either! As for the "floor" rule. I have a 10-60 second rule depending on where on my floor it falls. And it has to be my floor. I saw a girl pick up something on the floor in a taco bell in Wisconsin once. Euuuu. THAT I wouldn't do! Happy eatin'
-jw

Elaine said...

If you went through all that trouble, that IS some good ass pizza and as a person who would kill or mame for a Cinnabon, (and YEAH, I'd eat that bitch off the floor, in a remote village, in Calcutta..no flinching..) I totally and completely understand.

I will leave the Paris Hilton reference alone because I understand your wierd love...just as long as you take a shower after and get a check up once in a while, its all good.

LaunderLust said...

Here in NYC, near where I live, there is an Italian restaurant called V&T that has the BEST PIZZA EVER! I always order fresh garlic and extra pepperoni. Yum! It is melt-in-your-mouth delicious, which is not a Paris Hilton reference in my book. It does, however, give me the burning runs the next day, which totally reminds me of Paris Hilton and therefore brings this comment full circle and makes it very, very relevant to your post.

Raggedy said...

Nahhhhh your not wierd.
I have dropped stuff from the grill before I pick it and rinse it off.
I thought Paris Hilton was a hotel so now I have to go and google who you all are talking about..ugh..
I love shrimp and pizza, your pizza sounds divine!
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

tornwordo said...

Working out after mowing down a pizza is weird, the rest of it - not so much, lol.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Five-Second Rule in effect!

"...the dirtiest surface in my home, other than my hard drive."

Ain't it the truth? Ain't it the truth!

JJ said...

You lost me at Paris Hilton. But that's okay, I understand....yer hard drive & all...lol.

flea said...

you know i can't say that i've ever eaten anything from my trash but i have on occasion eaten things that fell on the floor, who doesn't? as long as it doesn't have the odd dog/cat hair on it bottoms up!

Violet said...

My theory - in general - is that if you can't see it, it can't hurt you.

That goes for germs on food and ghosts, mostly.

SistaSmiff said...

A little dirt don't hurt nobody. The question is...did it taste good? Did the floor scum affect the taste any?

Danke Shane said...

Paris Hilton? Does that mean the pizza had been nibbled on by many before yuo had your turn?

Carrie said...

I don't think you're wierd, so much as that you're a guy. :)

I dated a guy in college who was living at his frat house and one day we went into the kitchen and was all happy. 'Oh wow, someone ordered pizza!' It was on the counter and being devoured by the many ants that also occupied the kitchen. He actually grabbed a slice, FLICKED the ants off and ate it. I threw up a little in my mouth. :)

keda said...

oh i'd do that. good pizza, braindead mummy.
but paris hilton.. ouch.

Barry S. said...

You aren't weird. I think you are a man who has his priorities in order. I have done similar things for cake.

Molicious said...

Yes, you're weird. But we already knew this, didn't we?

Susan as herself said...

You lost me at Paris Hilton. But by your description, I am picturing the world's best pizza, aka a slice from any street pizzeria in Manhattan, which I'd give my right arm for right now.

I eat crap off the floor too, if I pick it up real fast and it's MY floor, not a "public" floor.

I can't say I've eaten from the trash, but if it's the aforementioned NYC pizza, I might consider it. At least for a moment.

Webmiztris said...

I think I would have done the same thing. I don't EVER let pizza go to waste - especially the really good stuff!

ps. "If pizza were pussy, this pizza is a Paris Hilton."

i wouldn't want that pizza then. I prefer my pizza to be a virgin - not eaten by 1/2 of Hollywood!

Serendipity said...

OMG. We're cosmic twins. I ate things off the floor, but only if they're dry and the 3 second rule applies.

My husband cannot understand it as I was born with lots of food in my mouth and we also haven't been through any kind of famine.

I always told him it's an Asian thing, but unless you're Asian, you've just blown to hell my pat excuse. Damn!

Sherri said...

You're weird. You have no idea what may have happened to that pizza in the time that it sat on that pile of refuse.

Dung beetles may have crawled all over it.

D e s i g n Girl said...

I'd probably get the pizza out of the trash too...however, my fiance' would not touch anything that hit the ground even if he was starving and it was a gourment dinner. It would be a sandwich that night for sure.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Rosati's pizza...I just had an orgasm.

Miss Sassy said...

I know people who won't eat leftovers.
EVER.
I think I'll share your story and watch them yack.

And I'm TOTALLY with CP on this one - I've shared 'foaming bone' and the Paris reference (both ways) twice in my reading of these comments.

Chow your heart out LBB, we won't think you any more of a freak.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Oh and you are officially linked to me LBB...by blogroll and by cosmic stuff I am sure.

Oh great One said...

I want some of that pizza now! NOW I tell you!

mackeydoodle said...

Ewwww....do not compare your pizza to Paris Hiltons pussy....she has herpes you know.

Mom of Three said...

Eww...if Paris Hilton had as many dicks sticking out of her as have gone in, she'd look like a porcupine.

That being said, the only thing stopping us from eating food dropped on the floor around here is racing to beat the dogs to get to it first. A few germs are good for the old resistance.

nongirlfriend said...

Oh my God, Bug's Butt, you are George Costanza.

EmmaK said...

I don't think I have ever thrown pizza away, even the gross Papa Johns stuff which they boast is made with 'real' cheese. Since this pizza sounds like heaven, I too would have pulled it out of the trash.

PBS said...

Yes, but we already know and love that!

Crashdummie said...

Yup, your a total weirdo - but i guess it takes one to know one.

Euwwww, I'll so not be able to eat pizza anymore - thanx a ton mate! :-/

Blonde Vigilante said...

I don't have a problem with you getting the pizza out of the trash...I've eaten stuff off of worse places. What I do have a problem with is the fact that you ate Paris Hilton pizza and now you have herpes on your lips.

Phain said...

ummm, maybe paris hilton wasn't quite the reference you meant for it to be. it qualifies it as a pizza i wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole. ew.

Adrian said...

If the Pizza is like Paris Hiltons hoo-ha, then that pizza must have been loaded with anchovies. And syphillis.

Thats right. That droopy eyelid aint natural, its a symptom of an STD!!

GOOD JOB ON SAVING THAT SUCKER THOUGH- MANKIND IS INDEBTED TO YOU FOR YOUR BRAVERY.

mckay said...

the only way i would not retrieve the divine pizza would be if i had recently thrown out the big bag o' dog poop, and if it's trash night then there's bound to be a bag of poop.

p.s. blatant use of paris hilton to get your google hits up? that chick gets used in so many ways. she should write a song about that.

Memphis Steve said...

I can't say that it's weird to have eaten pizza out of the garbage. What's weird to me is that you cut your workout short in order to do it. Was someone likely to take it before you got home? Hell, I wouldn't cut my workout short for sex with Paris Hilton, your pizza of pussies. Then again, I probably wouldn't brake for Paris either. I'm just not a huge fan of hers. And I say this despite having included her in my infamous IDH list before being mauled by screaming angry women who didn't like my choice at all.

curmudgeon said...

Don't blame you. Rosatti's is the shit!

CaCaBoy said...

I would have done that too! It was in the box, the box people! That is absolutely just like the "5 second rule" on ground morsel consumption! Besides, do you know how much rat feces you eat every year in your "fresh" food? Believe me you do not want to know!

Champs said...

If pizza were pussy, this pizza is a Paris Hilton.

So what you are telling us is that the pizza is nasty and smells like fish? I wonder what is better, yours or Dominoes.

Ari said...

I think less weird, more opportunistic. It was vintage pizza. You just capitalized on that.

frozen ananas said...

i'd dropped a plate of spaghetti the other day. the cat ate most of it, but you may lick the rest of the sauce from the dusty corners if you're into it.

Snooze said...

I'm with Torn - I get the salvaging of good pizza - but working out after eating half a pizza is mind-boggling.

btw - what the hell is with everyone judging Paris by the number of men she's slept with? I can't stand her because she's a vapid idiot but holy crap, can't a woman have sex with who she wants?

shpprgrl said...

Well at least you weren't digging it out of your neighbors trash. That would probably be weird.

212designs said...

or WHAT!

lol

Crystal said...

i stuck a dead junebug in my nose once.

when i tried to remove him, he broke into pieces.

and i was sad.

asianpixie said...

When I was in AZ, I did not get to try this place. I must remember to do so if it is so good that you risked bodily harm and embarrassment. You have your priorities straight ;)

Video X said...

hey at least it was still in the box.

Spanky said...

Is this Rosati's on Ray Road? I'd like to try it. I'm afraid I have to disagree with you re: Paris Hilton; she is just waaay too nasty for me.

Leesa said...

I've saved food from the trash before too. And the floor. Does that make me weird?

nettie said...

I blame the shrimp.

Spinning Girl said...

Eating off the compost heap is hawt. No worries. I learned in school that the mouth is the dirtiest place there is, so for your pizza getting rescued and then eaten was a lateral move (bacterially speaking).

But you say it's Paris-pussy-quality as though it's a good thing. So you caught crabs & Hep C from that slice, or maybe an unidentified rash? That's like saying "this cheesecake is as good as getting rammed by Tommy Lee".

Or "Wow, this gum is almost as good as ABC gum."

Personally, I like delectables that haven't had everyone else's mouth all over them.