7/11/2006

Four cynical musings

One of my favorite alcoholic drinks is the orgasm. It's equal parts Irish cream, coffee liquor and amaretto. But you can make it a screaming orgasm” by adding vodka, and for a multiple screaming orgasm” you add Frangelico. See how the name changes as you add more liquor? I want to invent a similar drink called the “fender bender.” If you add more liquor, it becomes an “airbag discharger.” If you float some rum on the top, it becomes the “vehicular homicide,” or perhaps just a “rollover.”


Speaking of liquor, I've often contemplated the pleasure of drunkenness so that I might through sheer will and cognition conjure its effects without drinking the toxic spirits. As far I can tell, alcohol imparts the following conviction on the organ of emotion: “Everything is all right. Things are perfect as they are. And everything that is to come will be just fine.” That's a tough sell for even the most optimistic mind, which is why drinking is such a popular pastime.


Here's a tip for married guys for when your wife is spending too much money. As you know, you can't crack her. Nowadays, you can't yell at her, nag her or even snarl at her -- they call that “domestic violence,” unless a woman does it, in which case they call it “finding your inner-goddess.” Anyway, they haven't yet written a law against being a bum. So next time the credit card bill shocks you, don't get angry. Quit your job. Be a bum. They don't have debtor's prisons in this country. Stay at home and watch cable TV until they shut it off. Let her stew over the bills for once.


I will never purchase bottled water. I've been a fervent critic of bottled water since its surge in popularity in the 80s and 90s. I used to work at a drug store and I remember stocking bottled water when my boss, Ramon, approached me. I asked Ramon, “Ray, why are people paying good money for the same shit they can get from the faucet for free?” Ramon replied, “I don't know [LBB]. Only in America.” Those were the wisest words Ramon ever spoke. What breaks my heart is, back then I wasn't the only one ridiculing the bottled water craze. Many others saw the folly. But with time, even the deriders started drinking it! Now I'm the only one. I feel like those old Japanese soldiers who hid in caves for decades after the conclusion of World War II. They refused to surrender. They refused to exchange their dignity for the return to normalcy. They held vigil in their caves until they could see the round-eyes in their gun sights. Then they'd charge out of their caves, all old and bony and whatnot, with their tattered uniforms, rusty bayonets fixed and phlegmy war cries. “You die now, round-eye scumbag!” That's how I feel. I'm not going to pig-stick anybody, but I will never surrender. I will continue my crusade against bottled water, Glade Plug-ins and other nonsense. The bottled water industry will forever reap my contemptuous mirth.

65 comments:

Danke Shane said...

They tested the local tap water in the north Atlanta suburbs last year and found that it was much better in taste and nutrition than the bottled water. My only regret was that I did not get in on the act and have the "Shane's Bottled Spring Water" company. Getting rich on the backs of fools would have been sweet!

Raggedy said...

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE ~ George Carlin
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

jules said...

I finally succumbed to the bottled water, mainly for the convenience of carrying water with me. Not for the taste.

Scottsdale Girl said...

http://www.uswaternews.com/archives/arcrights/8thrpar6.html

This is why I drink only filtered water from my tap OR bottled water. I grew up drinking the Simpson=esque toxic 'groundwater' here in lovely south scottsdale and i KNOW IT IS THE CAUSE OF MY ALCOHOLISM.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Oh and

"unless a woman does it, in which case they call it “finding your inner-goddess.”

made me pee my pants a little laughing

Heidi the Hick said...

Glade Plug-Ins are evil.

See ya tomorrow.

Elaine said...

“You die now, round-eye scumbag!”

How do you know what I say to my hubby during foreplay?!??!

;D

Amandarama said...

See, the reason Mr. Scoop and I never fight over money is that we keep all our financial stuff seperate. And drink heavily - which, as you pointed out, leads to a sense that everything is all right.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Bottled water is only the beginning. Soon, people will be buying bottled air, and not thinking anything is weird about that.

Yes, it is weird. Unless you live in India, where clean water and air are in short supplies.

Lyvvie said...

I'm going to join you in crusade and I shall never succumb to the scented tampon!!

I support you in your vigil against glade plug-ins and bottled water.

I salute you sir! Salute!

Oh, and I have my tweezers ready for you anytime *wink*

Lyvvie said...

Shamus - They do have bottled air. I expose: Magicool!

Violet said...

As lame as a reason it is, I drink bottled water because I don't like to have ice in my water, but I like my water to be really, really cold.

And, actually, regarding what Shamus said... You can buy bottled air. It comes in an aerosol can that you can use like an inhaler. I discovered this when I moved to Breckenridge, CO to help fight the altitude sickness. It was probably just the placebo effect, though.

randommoments said...

Okay, the whole alcoholic beverage being named "orgasm" stumps me. The more I drink, the more numb I become, and its very doubtful I'll be having an orgasm after downing a few drinks containing amaretto, vodka, and Frangelico.

I only buy bottled water when I'm going out of town and I know their water tastes like ass. I don't want to be one of those people, but sometimes you just gotta.

NWJR said...

These jackasses that say they like to carry bottled water for "the convenience" don't realize that they can get a container at the dollar store and fill it up from the tap for less than they pay at the Pepsi machine.

Un-freaking-believable.

Keep up the crusade, Mr. Butt. We salute you.

Melonie said...

So, that is how you get Multiple Screaming Orgasms! You drink the alcohol, not have sex with the drunk!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I'll join your crusade... no FDS, Melon Scented Panties http://www.melonfashion.com/undies.htm, or Sweet Spot (poonany perfume) for me!

Peter said...

We all seem to be on the same band wagon here Bugs, no bottled water for us, just proves you have an intellegent readership.

Evydense said...

Me too! Me too! I'm not as PO'd by people spending money on the water as I am about all the friggin' plastic bottles thrown along the highways and filling up the landfills.

P.S. I have a can of air in the basement that I bought about 40 years ago...honest!!!

Helga von porno said...

why not go all the way and scorn all water, like captain haddock, and just drink scotch and rum

mcBlogger said...

Hey, I'm with ya on the bottled water thing. My ex-mother-in-law (say that 5 times fast) has spring water coming right out of her tap. So, whenever I go to visit, I fill up on the very best water ever, with as many bottles as I can scrounge before heading home. My tap water at home tastes like chlorine. Gross! But I WONT pay for a bottle of water at the store, and certainly not $1.95 for it either.

Molicious said...

I shit you not, my mother-in-law spends AT LEAST $1000 per year (or more!) on bottled water. She won't drink anything else. I think she's a moron.

Riss said...

I am a poser, I carry around filtered tap water in a Poland Springs bottle.

Hey LBB we are blogsoulmates. The orgasm is my favorite drink and people are usually like "a what?" In college I used to carry a thermos to class with Kahlua, Amaretto and Baileys in it.

Al said...

People bitch like hell about paying three bucks a gallon for gas, but don't say a damn thing about spending more than that to drink water. Go figure!

I think I need a drink. Straight up, No water.

Cindy-Lou said...

If you figure out the way to conjure the drunken feeling, please let me know. I'm kind of poor right now, so if I can get to that place, then have a beer or two on top of it, I bet I can get pretty blasted.

FiveFootBagel said...

Thanks for the post LBB.
Nothing tops a multiple screaming orgasm, IMO.
And I am the five foot bagel...five feet zero inches tall...get it?

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Well said sir! And might I reply that your thought about becoming a bum is quite possibly the best advice I've heard since the words of Confucious!

Webmiztris said...

I love your tip for married guys, but I still don't want my husband to read it. ;)

I buy gallons of distilled water, I have to admit it. But then again, our tap water tastes like ass and distilled water is SO good!

Softball Slut said...

I buy Ozarka. I am not ashamed to admit it. I hate the way our tap water tastes. And I will drink cold Ozarka and nothing else. I dont like Evian cause it tastes like crap too.

shpprgrl said...

I buy bottled water...I admit. Not the expensive stuff, but not the stuff cheap stuff that MIGHT contain traces of arsenic/lead/scary stuff either. It's a helluva lot cheaper than the beer that I bought for my spouse though.

I do not do plug-ins. Never. They stink and I have the fear that one will set my house on fire. But if I ever freak out and buy one, I'll use the bottled water to put it out. ;)

As always... Rachael said...

My refrigerator is full of old gatorade bottles filled with tap water. Nothing cures hangovers better than cold bottled tap water that smells faintly of lemon-lime.

exile said...

i was against bottled water for the longest time. i'd drink filtered, but i never bought a bottle (yes, i refill ones i had, but that doesn't count)

and then i moved to santa ana. the water was foul. it smelled and tasted like (i'd imagine) the water from from the kiddie pool of a public recreation center would. i started spitting out the water like tourist in mexico who learned a lesson the hard way.

now i only drink the bottled stuff, satan own my soul... but i still refill my bottles

Carrie said...

Hmm, if you owned a bar and you named all the drinks you served, I don't think you'd make much profit. Something about 'rollover' just makes me want to get a water... :)

I drink tap water at home. At the office because the pipes are old and gross and stuff, I drink the bottled water. At the beach the tap water even smells bad so again, in that situation I go for the bottles. Water just isn't supposed to smell...

What's your take on the 'flavored' water craze? :)

Junebugg said...

You're my hero, oh Great One. Lead us to the pure life.

Lynn said...

Ummm....I'm not so sure. I am a bottled water snob and I'm sticking with it. And as for all those fancy shots with sexualized names, just give me a vodka on the rocks. Keep it simple.

Bug said...

I'm more of a slippery nipple shot girl myself, but I like your drink name ideas you should patent that shit ;o)

Anonymous Shannon said...

Execellent post as always! Although I must diagree with the bottled water bit. Have you ever tasted Houston's water? It's freakin' nasty. The water comes from the Trinity River through which the Dallasites flush their toilets. By the time it gets here it's nasty, because we all know Dallasite are full of sh**.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I absolutely LIVE by bottled water. Our water is si bad and so hard it will ruin a coffee maker in a year. We have to get a new Hot Water Heater every 5 years.

I know it seems boosh-wah (I know I spelled it wrong) but bottled water is the only thing that wont gag an Iron aroud here. Houston water is the shits.

Czarina said...

Yeah man! I love the idea of being a bum coz wifey spends too much.

Why not just take away credit cards? I heard some wife still stays on "allowance"

Goodness, I know someone who's husbnad puts his wife on a 50 bucks a month allowance.

My 8 year old daughter earns more doing chores in my house.

ana va havana said...

Thank you for all the vacabulary of cocktails, i will use it in my next job interview for sure.

any tips for unmarried girls??
aside from : "after all these years, i am still single, i better invest in clothing and cosmetics..."

Michelle said...

That bottled water thing? It's even true in Philippines. I mean, a country of people who hasn't got much money to spend on incidentals buy bottled water.

Maybe they need it if the water is "that bad". still, it's weird.

Sharon said...

Forty comments! Crikey! I salute.

You're a terror. In a good way. As usual, a spanking post. *applause*

Becky said...

My husband never needs to hear that tip for married men! Never!

Blonde Vigilante said...

I'm gonna find my inner goddess upside your head! That's the first thing I thought of.

As for bottled water, I don't understand why people by it by the bottle when you can rent a nifty machine for $12 a month. They even bring you the bottles to refill at no extra cost.

I use a Britta filter thing a ma bob...the water does taste better and if you see what the filter looks like after it's been used...you'd never drink tap water by itself again. Of course, I do, but you might not.

Merili said...

Interesting blog i have to admit, some random cool thoughts. I have to say: we don't drink bottled water in my country and I always ask myself the same questions and you do on that topic but never seem to get anywhere asking myself...

OldHorsetailSnake said...

But, gee, Bug, if you buy bottled water in a bar you can get lemon with it. And you know damn well you would never buy any lemons so this is what is saving you from scurvy. Bottled water, then, is saving your life.

Oh great One said...

I know you had lots of things to say but I'm stuck on the orgasm. Yeah, I could use one right about now......

MKD said...

But you can't get Glade Plug-ins for free like water. It doesn't have a substitute. But they could come out with better scents like "people musk" or "dog ass."

Barry S. said...

I have never been a fan of puffy, orange-colored cheesy snacks, so let me tell ya, I know a thing or two about crusades against ridiculous products.

Go get 'em buddy.

Smartypants said...

Have you ever tasted some of the water in different parts of this country?

Ack.

nongirlfriend said...

Flagstaff water is the best I've ever tasted. If they bottled that shit, I'd buy it.

CaCaBoy said...

I too am a hater of bottled water glade plug-ins, and useless devices/products! Stay down! Stay strong! And keep your ammo dry!

(Me: standing and slowly but sincerely clapping in pride!)

Serendipity said...

Bottled water. It's silly, but we buy it anyway. Why? Traces of lead in water pipe maybe...that or the plain laziness of having to find a glass and fill it up. Bottled water is for convinience...pretty much like a paper towel park on the kitchen sink.

I don't enjoy shopping much. I think my husband really is very lucky to have me. I don't like jewelry either. I own a nice set of diamonds, but I can't see myself needing more. I don't like having anything on my ears, neck or fingers. So yeah, darling husband is lucky!

Gregor said...

I got your back on the bottled water, and I LOVE your tip for married men.

CP said...

LBB - Regarding the tip for married men? Out of spite, I am sending you a case of bottled water. Flavored. With bubbles.

Nyah.

CP.

Mom of Three said...

It escapes me how people are turning purple over paying $3 a gallon for gas, but will pay twice that for a gallon of something that comes out of the tap for next to nothing. Or free, if you run a hose to your neighbor's house next door.

keda said...

whats frangelico?
my ex husband was worse with that willy nilly spending than me.. so i took your advice in advance and quit my job. much happier thank you. it works people! for boys and girls.

and sadly i have to buy all my water bottled over here. turkish council pop is brown. probably highly nutricious but full of bugs and frankly FOUL. so all my hate is directed purely towards glade plug ins.

Nölff said...

As expensive ass gas is, it's still cheaper than water. well... bottled water. They put sunshine and magic in each bottle.

Gregor said...

Few people have the balls to make that statement about ANWR. God bless you, sir! I could just about kiss you.

kari said...

Oh dear, you don't know what you're missing. It's just soooo flavorful.

Sam's Gams said...

Oh, but Evian is SO delicious. And they even have a mist I use after particularly nasty sessions at the club!

NeverEnough said...

I'm crusading there with you against bottled water.

But Glad Plug-Ins are wonderful!! Especially vanilla scented.

Spinning Girl said...

I need a cause like that. Maybe I will start small though, like with those frilly toothpicks that get lost in your club sandwich and then stab you in the gums. I hate that!

Miss Sassy said...

LBB, I asked for an orgasm in a bar this weekend and had to explain how to give it to me.

Thank you for making it the easiest this-is-how-you-give-me-an-orgasm conversation ever.

Crimson said...

I definitely agree on the bottled water.

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed a lot! »