7/06/2006

More from the cutting room floor

This is a second installment of stuff that didn't make the cut. Like the first installment, this stuff is pretty crappy and/or offensive, but I don't have the heart to throw it away. Plus, the stuff I tried writing today is pretty crappy, too. So this is a good time to post all the crappy stuff at once and get it over with. Here you go:

Ten unsafe ways to stay fit

1) Drunken, unspervised swimming
2) Bench-pressing with Steven Hawking as your spotter
3) Kickboxing with Tyra Banks
4) Barbed wire limbo
5) Campfire hurdles
6) Busy-parking-lot-dodgeball
7) Rooftop calisthenics
8) Shadowboxing in a McDonald's funhouse with those goofy mirrors
9) Marble-track triple jump
10) San Franciscan roller blading


Your car has nothing to do with the weather

Have you ever heard guys who claim the reason it rained is because they just washed their cars?

How self-centered can you be? Not only does the world revolve around you, but when you're too busy, it revolves around your car!

It rains because of clouds. Mother nature doesn't care if you just waxed your faggy, low-rider rice burner with the ground effects. Jeez! Guys like this are to blame for movies like The Fast and the Furious.

Look dudes, the car doesn't make the man. The car just gets you to your job at Burger King. And you're going to have to flip a lot of burgers to pay for those rims you threw on a '96 Nissan Sentra 4-door.

The next time it rains, I hope the puddles slide these Fast and the Furious twits into the nearest telephone pole.


Detoxify your system

Did the human race suddenly fall into a landfill or drink from an outhouse spigot? I have to ask. Because every proudct we eat, drink or use promises to "detoxify" us.

The grocery store has entire aisles of drinks and food suppliments that supposedly purify your system. The local spa will cleanse and detoxify you through the pores. Oxygen bars and hi-colonics will flush out the accumulating poisons. The latest exercise gizmo promises to rid your body of toxins. Everything we buy purifies, cleanses, cleans, rejuvinates and detoxifies.

When did we become so goddamn filthy?

When I'm in the sauna, I don't see chunks of garbage shoot out my pores, just sweat. When I eat or drink some all-natural healthfood stuff, I still eject the same turd. And when I give myself an enema, it's for recreational purposes only -- not cleansing. Like my oven, my colon is self-cleaning.

Think about this: people are volunteering -- paying somebody -- to get hi-colonics. Before the national craze of "detoxification" we called it an "enema." And you didn't get one unless you really needed it.

People are paying for -- get this -- oxygen bars. Fuckin' oxygen. AIR. Let me save you some money. You need more oxygen? BREATH MORE! The air is free. These are the same nitwits who insist on bottled water. Where do you think bottled water companies get the water? A rain dance? No. They turn on the spigot and then laugh their asses off all the way to the bank.

Back to hi-colonics: If you're volunteering to put a tube up your ass and shoot veggie juice through your colon, may I suggest that it's not your body that needs cleansing. It's your brain. Cram the tube into one ear and open up the valve. Cleanse all that New-Age Hollywood bullshit out of your head and let it drain out the other ear. If you really want to power-wash your colon, may I recommend the #5 combo at Filiberto's? It'll get the job done and set you back only $4.50.

This detoxification bullshit is a by-product of environmentalism. Seventeen assholes camping in a Californian Redwood want the rest of us to believe our industrialized lifestyle is poisoning us. Have these dirtbags considered how we lived before the Industrual Revolution? We sustained on insects, raw meat, decomposing vegitable matter and pond water. We huddled in caves, wizzed in the local stream and wrapped our naugty parts in dead animal skin. If anybody needed detoxification, it was our all-natural ancestry. Their lifestyle seems pretty damn toxic to me.

Thanks to modern living, we're the cleanest people on earth. So put the organic veggie cocktail back on the shelf and grab a milkshake at McD's.


Headstones

The hardest substance on the planet is a dog's skull. On several occasions I've seen a dog run full-steam, head-first into a solid barrier, collide, and live to tell about it. It's like they're showing off. My dog took out my patio door and it cost me $80. That's $560 in doggy-dollars. Dog skulls will bruise a human shinbone with no problem. They ought to make bullet-prove vests out of old dog skulls.


You can't win for losing the lottery

Everybody's heard that your chances of being struck by lightning are greater than winning the lottery. If that's the case, why aren't all the lottery winners already dead? Who knows? Maybe if you can predict 6 numbers out of a lottery bucket, than you can predict where the lightning will strike and avoid it. Catch-22.

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to be one nervous fellow, because lightning will be looking for me so it can even the score. And while the idea of dying doesn't scare me, per se, the notion of dying with a bunch of money in my pocket scares me to death!


Fat people just have more for me to hate

Why do fat people always walk in the middle of the aisle? The skinny people always pick a side and stay on it. But fat people locate the geometric center of the aisle and then waddle down an imaginary line bisecting it. And they waddle from side to side so that if you attempt to pass them, you collide with their sweaty arms. Not wanting to bump into them and risk knocking the jelly doughnut from their hand, I have to pull off a double-flip summersault with a half-twist just to get the checkout line before the next ice age.

Maybe they walk down the center to remain equidistant to the food on either side. I don't know. But I do know they should pick a side and stay on it. And if you have a fat friend with you, and you, yourself are fat, for Christ's sake, walk SINGLE FILE -- just like the line at the Krispy Kreme. When you walk side-by-side, you're violating several fire codes.

Incidentally, if a couple fat people are ever blocking the way down the aisle during a fire, I'm gonna throw a box of Milk Duds over their shoulder so they'll stampede out of my damn way. Jot down that tip. It may save your life.


Rappers' names

Rappers' names aren't what they used to be. The first generation of rappers had some kick-ass names: DJ Master Jeff, LL Cool J, Salt 'n' Peppa, Darrel Mac, Twist.

But cool names for rappers have slowed to a trickle. And the stupid ones are reproducing like a case of the clap at a Kid Rock fan club convention. Examples:

Snoop Dog? SNOOP Dog? If you want to name yourself after one of the Peanuts, at least go for Linus. Even Pig Pen would be better than Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Eminem? I know when I think of a bad-ass street hood, I think about candy-coated chocolate tablets.

50-cent? You have to wonder about this guy's self-esteem. He's discounted himself like a pair of shower shoes at a K-Mart Blue Light Special. Fifty cents -- that's about what one of his albums is worth.

Dirty Ole Bastard? This guy's trying to sell himself as a gangsta and he describes the old white guy I see next door who fetches his newspaper in his bathrobe and dark socks.

Then you've got all the "ice" guys: Ice-T, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice. These guys dreamed up their names while looking for something to eat in the fridge. Get ready for DJ Dill Pickle and Jam Master Baking Soda.


Horseplay

Have you seen those trailers for horses? You see them once in a while, towing a couple horses down the highway. If you look closely, you can see a big horse eye looking out one of the air vents. Hello, horsey.

One time I came to a red light along the side of a horse trailer. A horse peeked at me with its big eye. Then, the eye disappeared and a horse mouth protruded through the air vent.

"Hey. Hey you. You, in the car," beckonedthe horse.

I could only look in amazement, too shocked to reply. Finally, I mustered a faint "Hello?"

"Nice car you're driving there. How much people-power does it have?"

I wonder why a horse ever bothers running again after he rides in a trailer. I would think an experience like that would forever change his attitude. When you climb on his back and coax him to run, you'd think he'd look back and ask whether you could just take the truck, instead.

Horses must really need the exercise.


Thinking on Drinking

Sometimes the shapes and designs of the glass aren't only cosmetic. They're functional, too.

Do you know why martini glasses are shaped like little, upside-down cones? To give the martini drinker an easier target for his drunk, numb lips. Martini glasses have a relatively large rim circumference. So drunks have a better chance of hitting the rim with their lips.

The same goes for margaritas. If you're drinking margaritas, the chances are you're drunk. You might believe the huge rim is for the salt, but that's coincidental. The primary reason for the rim is so you can find it with your drunk-ass lips. Incidentally, this is why drunk people should not attempt oral sex. Unfortunately, drunks are the most likely to try oral sex. Sometimes in public.

Think about it. Have you ever been so wasted your mouth can't find the rim of the glass? Of course you have. That's why you should stick to martinis and margaritas. You're bound to find the rim eventually.

By the way, notice how they pour weak, girlie drinks in those tall, thin glasses, because you'll never get drunk enough to need more rim! Plus they’re a phallic symbol. Whores!

64 comments:

NWJR said...

"That's why you should stick to martinis and margaritas. You're bound to find the rim eventually."

There's a joke there...but I'm gonna swim right past that bait.


Man, that was a hard read. I guess you must have taken some sort of "blog purge/purify" juice this morning.

Rick said...

Dood, you held all of that inside wa-a-a-y too long!

Danke Shane said...

If this is the rejected stuff, I am buying your book today. And speaking of blocking the aisles..try Walmart on Wednesday afternoon and see if you can get past the 80 year old with the buggy angled so that only one of the Olsen twins could fit through..

Molicious said...

My shin is still bruised after Delighla hit it TWO MONTHS AGO! She ran full force into it and it still hurts like a mofo. Awful.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Just because you've never washed YOUR car...

But I love Jam Master Baking Soda. He rocks.

Bennet said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA...uh man..

A lotta Lightning Bug, still just as fully satisfying as usual..

Everything very funny...

You are the man!

Tense Teacher said...

All these tidbits (and these were the rejects?!) would make a great bathroom reader.

Y'all don't pretend that you don't do most of your reading in the bathroom...

Junebugg said...

"detoxification bullshit" is right! And they claim sex is dirty too! I'll have them know that I wash my coochie at least once a day and many times more than that!

BTW: In asnwer to your question about my quote. It's from Mae West, my role model and heroine. She was a balls-to-the-wall, blunt spoken and sexy woman until the day she died. More of us should be just like her.

poopie said...

The dickheads who think it rains because they washed the car are usually surgeons.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Ahhhhh once again LightButt you have made me giggle...so when will I be pyaing to see you at the Tempe Improv?

Raggedy said...

I can't believe you consider this rejected stuff. I laughed so hard. This post is full of great stuff!

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4zMdobC5tM&search=banned%20commercial%

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one
*

Painter Beach Girl said...

the horse trailer thing gives me the weebie jeebies. really. as for the drinking from skinny tall glasses, that is so dumb, I mean, just drink from a friggin glass and then you dont have to keep refilling

Violet said...

I dated a guy once who thought the world revolved around him and his Corvette.

He also loved the movie "Fast and the Furious." As a matter of fact, he actually (seriously) tried to convince me to pimp out my Ford Festiva like they did the cars in those movies.

Jon said...

I'm not one to nitpick, but ODB's name was "Ole Dirty Bastard" not "Dirty Ole Bastard." Not that it matters as he later began calling himself "Big Baby Jesus."

CP said...

Bug Butt - Hotband and I have an ongoing joke about horses in horse trailers. We always see the one bulging eye, that looks like it is about to slip through the vents. We imagine it having the horse voice on Ren and Stimpy. "No Sir, I don't like it." And we pretend he is saying...Heeeeeeelp meeeeeeeeee. I am about to become GLUE, Man! DOOOOOO something, bitches! *LOL*

Incidentally, you may not like bumping into fat people, but some of us will make it worth your while. *wink wink*

Just more of me to LOVE!!!

Heh.

CP.

nettie said...

The guy can yell at least, right?

WanderingGirl said...

When I was a kid, my horse talked people into driving too close behind us. Then she'd take a dump to get the guy's car dirty so he'd wash it, it would rain, and she'd get to stay in the barn. True story.

Mom of Three said...

Because I care, I thought I'd turn you on to this "Fat Acceptance Weblog" I stumbled across:

http://www.bigfatblog.com/

Bon appetit!

As always... Rachael said...

Rappers names... fat people... the lottery... drunk people?

you're killing me!

I could formulate a more specific comment but I need to pour my fat, happy ass a good stiff drink...

In a wide rimmed glass, naturally!

Peter said...

Well you gave your blog files an enema there Bugs, they should be detoxified good and proper now.

great ass picture said...

Great http://www.assoholics.com here. Thanks for taking the time to make this site.

Blogarita said...

Have you ever tried using a McD's milkshake? Brain-freeze of the ass hurts like hell.

NeverEnough said...

I'm still laughing at detoxification. I need to go back and read the rest now...

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

"Bench-pressing with Steven Hawking as your spotter"

Holy shit that's offensive, but funny has hell! Hahahahaha!

Video X said...

shew! lots to read! hey i'm with you on the fat people. damn them. actually i've been fairly angry about fat people lately. but i won't even start writing it because it'll just make my blood pressure rise dramatically.

to top it off...i really hope no egotistical fucking bastards say anything about their car and the weather today...

now i have all kinds of shit to be irritated about.

i see justification for my "I don't like people" way of life more and more every day.

keda said...

it is often hard to formulate worthwhile comments here for me. tea in my nose is no better than the beer that got stuck up my nose on my first read of this last night.

so as not to risk more beverage snorting i'm gonna say something now and be done with it...

i have tried 8 of the unsafe ways to keep fit.

and this may or may not make you giggle. it has a tenuous connection to the rapper names bit. (i love louis theroux)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mXiEb2
yOYs&search=louis%20theroux

keep up the crappy work.

Bug said...

God where do I start? *chuckle* I must say from experience that #5 on your list of "unsafe ways" is actually great exercise...but my only advice is to do it sober. Tried it drunk and that didn't work out well at all ;o)

A-freakin-men on the fat people thing. I love me some fat people, they are people too - I do realize this. But if I happen to find myself in the middle of an aisle I get my ass mowed down by those folks in a hot minute. And at a whopping 110lbs. soaking wet I have no retaliation...none. Teach me to block the magical path to the Land of Twinkies eh?

JJ said...

This may be a dupe comment, I haven't read everything, but....'I still eject the same turd.'
L.M.A.O!

Trying2BMe said...

Where to start? I loved it all. The fat people thing, the dj names... all of it had me laughing my ass of. The guys here in the office think I've lost my freaking mind.

The only thing you left out was a comment about the fat people at the "choke & puke" (or in layman terms the buffet type restaurants).

Thanks for the tears of laughter :)

Carrie said...

OMG! Can't.Breathe. Laughing too hard!

DJ Dill Pickle? bwahahaha

The fat people thing - I almost took a nosedive into a stairclimber the other night because the lady coming at me wouldn't scoot out of the middle and I ended up basically tripping on the machine to avoid being pancaked. :)

The giant horse eye? The dogs skull? Gawd - WHY aren't you on last comic standing or something? :)

Lil Bit said...

LMFAOooooooooo!
OMG, LBButt... I can always count on gettin' slayed when I visit you.
Thank-you for that!

Just want to pop in to say ciao.
Take care, Dude.
*hug*

Webmiztris said...

the most dangerous alcoholic beverage to drink is one with a straw. after a few of those kind of drinks, you better be wearing goggles or you might lose an eyeball! that's why I drink beer. It's safe. and it has a tiny opening which makes it harder for me to spill it...lol

Nölff said...

Well if it didn't make the cut, can I have it?

CowGirl said...

LMFAO!! I loved everything you wrote! So soooo true!

exile said...

how could you ever concider ditching any of this? the "single file" comment and the entire dog segment nearly got me fired.

exile- (laughing at LBB not realizing boss has walked in)
boss- what are you doing
exile- supply order
boss- what's that on your screen
exile- um, supply research
boss- have it done in 15 min

oh well, i'm a temp.

kari said...

Wow. You shouldn't have to post for a long time.

Miss Sassy said...

I got safety training this week.
We were told to walk single file down the stairs.
I have a heffer in my office.
She likes MilkDuds.
I will start the chant "all hail LBB!" as the rest of us fly down the 15 flights of stairs while she searches in the generator lights for the one that flew into the corner.

frozen ananas said...

i guess i'll fit right in with the "ice" rapper dudes...
dj frozen ananas

Becky said...

WoW, that was a lot of bitching. Although I have to agree with most of it, especially the rapper names, I always wondered why 50 cent would want to call himself that!?

Gregor said...

I rather like these "crumbs"... You should do this more often.

Kelly said...

First time here...came by way of Raggedy's blog! Gotta say that this is some funny, but very true stuff! Enjoyed my visit!

"AG" said...

I wish all rejection was this good.

jules said...

Itt might be crap, but it's damn funny crap.

Nicole said...

Dude. You totally CRACK me up!

I bet you get that alot.

I love me some margaritas although now that I think about it, I HAVE banged my teeth on the BA glasses quite often....hmmmm...Have you seen the "Fishbowl" margaritas?

Have a good weekend!

Steph said...

Funniest blog post EVARRRRRR!
Seriously, you should win some kind of award.
you are out of your friggin mind, and it's a delight to behold.

Amandarama said...

Damn! You were busy with this post!

I, too, would like to know when we became so damn filthy. Although I blame my last boyfriend. I suspect karma.

And I would gladly kickbox Tyra Banks. I'd win too. Through filth.

Jon Cox said...

Hahahahahahahahaaaaaa!
AWESOME POST!
VERY well done! :o)

nongirlfriend said...

Another great post, LBB!

Lynn said...

I thought it was Ole Dirty Bastard, and didn't he die? I think he died, yes. And right before he died I think he had unceremoniously renamed himself Big Baby Jesus. Go with it.

Ari said...

This was like a big ol' LBB brain flush. I don't know where you get that it sucks though. I think it's cool as always.

I disagree that it's only fat bitches blocking the aisles, though. I'm a fat bitch and I'm always having to pass slow-lane ignorami of every shape and size with my shopping cart before I get "aisle rage" and slam somebody in the head with a can of baked beans. Because, by God, you're between me and the coconut chocolate chip cookies. :)

Just-Me-Jen said...

Too funny!!!
If this is the rejected stuff, the accepted stuff has to be pure gold!

Latigo Flint said...

You're a magnificent bastard LBB. Do you know that?

(And we're all bound to find the rim eventually.)

phlegmfatale said...

I totally know what you mean about those vain assholes who say it rained because they washed their car. What self-important jerks. Everyone knows it only rains after I watered my garden.

Melonie said...

Way too funny to have been rejected!
Explain Tupac, PLEASE.

Dave Morris said...

Bug's worst rejected material = Dave's best writing days.

I'm thirsty for a McDonalds shake now, thank you very much.

Heidi the Hick said...

Hi. The horse trailer thing:

He wasn't actually digging your car. He was commiserating with you on your pathetic plight on being stuffed into a steel coffin on wheels. He feels sorry for you that after an hour in the steel coffin on wheels, somebody is going to strap a saddle onto you and make you run around in circles for a few more hours.

Either that or he was diggin the wind man, just diggin bein out there in the wind, cuz yee haw, he's a travellin man.

There are 2 kinds of horses I guess.

Elaine said...

I LOVE the stuff that didn't make the cut.


"Bench-pressing with Steven Hawking as your spotter"

I think I peed a little when I read that...

Frap Gurl said...

10) San Franciscan roller blading hahahaha you are too much!!!!!!

My dog put his head through the glass in my door.. I agree their skulls are harder than diamonds!

Blonde Vigilante said...

What? You don't like rim jobs? What is this world coming to?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lyvvie said...

"When did we become so goddamn filthy? When I'm in the sauna..."

I'm sorry I couldn't bring my attention back around to finish the rest of the post...got lost in a lazy daydream.

jali said...

Lovedit... waiting for the sequel. Your reject shit is better than most people's good shit!

mcBlogger said...

I can't make comment on anything specific, there's just too much. But I do have to mention that I have to take time out of my evenings each day to read your blog at home, cuz I'm going to get busted for blogging at work cuz I'm laughing like a pig in shit at my desk when I should glazing over with code.

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