7/22/2006

Muse-ical

  • I have a unique brand of discipline for my daughter. I don't ever strike her. When she misbehaves, I don't deny her the things she loves or zap privileges. I just remind her that every time she upsets me, somewhere a unicorn dies.
  • Sexy isn't cute. But cute is sexy. This is why sexy people are usually single and miserable and why cute people always have dozens of admirers vying for their affections.
  • Gay men have a great taste in music and a great taste in clothing. Lesbians haven't inherited these qualities. But they sure do know a good motorcycle when they see one.
  • More than anything I detest toil. But I have a nagging suspicion that the lack of toil saps the value out of life.
  • I love America. But America needs to learn a lesson from the Swiss. Somebody's always threatening our way of life and clamoring for our destruction. Consequently, every decade or so we have to go to war with somebody. But nobody ever targets the Swiss. How does Switzerland pull that stunt off decade after decade? Switzerland is the Tom Hanks of countries. Everybody likes them. People send us dive-bombing planes, shrapnel and anthrax. They toast wieners over our burning flag. When they're done kicking the crap of an effigy of George Bush, they send all their money to Switzerland. Switzerland has all that beautiful land, all those beautiful people and all that money! Yet nobody kicks their doors in and loots it. We need to be more like the Swiss, only not so queer.
  • If I were a psychologist, I'd buy all my depressed patients a McDonald's Happy Meal. I figure it's worth a shot. And if it didn't cure them, I'd ridicule them: “What, daddy didn't show you enough affection so now you're too good to eat a hamburger? Freak! I give you happiness in a box and you're so self-centered and neurotic that you can't reach in and grab it? I don't know what more I can do for you. Your hour is up. That'll be $225.”
  • Most people agree that Burger King has better food than McDonald's. But Burger King lacks that first-rate marketing department that McD's has. Think about movie tie-ins. McDonald's gets movies like Indiana Jones, Star Wars, ET, etc. Burger King jumped onboard with King fuckin' Ralph, with John Goodman. Might as well advertise that your restaurants have radon gas leaks in the lobbies. King Ralph? What's next for Burger King? Are they going to tie in with Alexander? “Come back for another Whoppertunity -- to see Colin Farrell show his ballsack and kiss that guy from Queer Eye.”
  • Remember the “population bomb?" It was bullshit. Then came “global cooling.” More bullshit. Then we were making a hole in the ozone -- right up until the hole disappeared. Alas, more bullshit. Now we have “global warming.” Yeah. It's not hot out because it's the middle of fucking July. It's hot out because Americans are evil and George Bush is stupid. How's that for hard science? When we discover that “global warming” is bullshit, too, I predict the next pending disaster -- whatever they dream up -- will require more taxation, less industry and a sacrifice of the American way of life, that is until it reveals itself as another steaming pile of misanthropistic bullshit.
  • Some couples are so attracted to each other that they accelerate into one another, collide and disintegrate. With others, the attractive force is too weak; their paths curve toward each other but then drift apart. But with some couples, the attractive forces, the trajectories and the distance between the bodies are perfect, so that they fall into an everlasting orbit. Then they meet on Brokeback Mountain and butt-slam each other in a tent.
  • Yeah, yeah. I know "misanthropistic" is not a real word. But it should be.

60 comments:

Miss Cellania said...

Your mind works in strange ways. Thank you.

Sharon said...

Oh, I am swooning from the brillance.

I am.

jules said...

I've missed your little diatrabes. Glad to be back in the land of civilization.

Spinning Girl said...

I swear I wasn't going to correct you on "misanthropistic." Pinky swear.

Elaine said...

*Cute trumps over SEXY?!?! YES!! tis a good day to be Mary Ann rather than Ginger in LBB land. (or tis a good day to be Janet rather than Chrissy..;D) Hubby always told me that too, but I thought he just wanted to get laid.

*Swiss being queer is the reason why no one touches them. If a country were to attack Swiss it would be the equivalent of a man hitting a woman. The rest of the world would forever condemn said country for abusing Miss Swiss.

Webmiztris said...

if I ever have kids, I'm totally using the unicorn dying bullshit on them. ;)

Tense Teacher said...

My little girl would respond better to dragons dying than unicorns; I may have to give that a try.

And your theory about cuteness is so true.

Jamie Dawn said...

I'm loving this hodge podge post! All good stuff.

I'm not a fan of Burger King food. I'll take a Fish Filet or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese over any of BK's food.
I like Arby's food the best. I also love Jack in the Box food, but they don't have those here in AR. AR hicks can really eat. I consider myself a hick now since I've lived here for a year, so I guess I can start chowing down on hushpuppies and barbecue until I burst.

Unicorns don't really die, do they? I'm worried now.

nongirlfriend said...

I will never again get upset at being called "cute." Thank you.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Burger King Burgers and Mickey D's Fries. Not that I eat that shit anymore mind you.

And can I just say..."AHHHHH" I feel - cleansed. Yes cleansed by this post my brilliant bugbutt.

The Global Warming/July comment is the best. Ok actually since I got a little verklempt over the Sexy vs. Cute comment I would say that is the best.

Phain said...

Two things.... 1) Unicorns? You are so cruel. 2) Stand up comedy. Consider it.

Red said...

1)I'm gonna have to try that unicorn thing but she might be too old for it.
2)What defines cute and what defines sexy? Is it controllable?
3)Burger King is greasier then McD's but I would prefer not to eat at either.
4)The US brings a necessary good to the world and have to take the good with the bad.

Gregor said...

I must be straight (as so many of my friends swear that I am, despite PDAs) 'cuz I can pick out a good car but I dress like a hick.

Love your global warming rant.

Ari said...

hee hee! "butt-slam" :)

phlegmfatale said...

That whole Swiss thing is over-rated. They may sport the veneer of neutrality, but underneath they are as biased and buyable as any other society on earth.

Junebugg said...

Do you get too old to be cute? Or even sexy for that matter?

Melonie said...

I have to agree with Scotdale Girl McDonald's fries and Burger King burgers is a fast food fantasy meal; not that I eat that type of thing.

Ginger vs Mary Ann for you guys but all we had the Professor vs the Skipper.

Peter said...

Hi Bugs, I'm tossing up between Woppertunity and Misanthropistic for the word of the week.

keda said...

oh the poor wee unicorn slayer. thats too mean! wicked daddy butt.
i have never much enjoyed being called cute. sexy bitch always worked best with me. but i must say as i get older 'cute' definately holds more appeal. i'm now going to embrace my cuteness. dammit if the unicorn slayers can get away with still being cute i'm gonna turn it around.
misanthropistic is a fabulous word. congratulations.

CaCaBoy said...

Yeah Global Warming is bullshit! Hello! Haven't scientist been taking about ancient melting polar caps causing calamaties? (Any reason to blame Bush!) Besides, if we had Global Warming, it would have been from a 100 years of Industrialization, not 6 years of ONE administration! Damn you McKinley! Damn you to HELL!

poopie said...

No no no no...NOT the unicorn!! And now I feel better about being "cute"

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

We need to be more like the Swiss, only not so queer.

Very well said! Hahahaha! Another Excellent post brother!

Jen said...

Fascinating.

frozen ananas said...

i hope you buy your kid a happy meal after telling her about killing unicorns.

Mom of Three said...

Oh shit! We are SO using the unicorn line!

Swathi said...

the unicorn bit was cute, but does your kid fall for that story time n again?

Becky said...

I'd have to disagree about Tom Hanks, after the movie "the terminal" i haven't quite felt the same for him...

And I also happened to like the movie King ralph, lol

Heart Of Darkness said...

People love Swiss because of the cucko clocks - they fear that if they target them in a war, teh Swiss will send a bunch of cucko clocks as that'll all go off at the same time as, making everybody crazy, as reply. Swiss are dangerous!

mcBlogger said...

What if your neither cute NORE sexy but still not a troll. Is there a catagory for that?

I just HAD to look up misanthropist - One who hates or mistrusts humankind. Sinister!

Raggedy said...

I just loved this post!
LMAO at unicorns..what a wonderful idea..hahahah

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Violet said...

i buy myself a happy meal every once in a while. i like the toy. i guess i'm also saving myself a couple hundred dollars in therapy each time, too. score!

Miss Sassy said...

I think your on to something with the orbit of perfect love.
Then there's the butt-slam.
Always part of perfect love, no?

Blonde Vigilante said...

People don't fuck with the Swiss, cause they're the ones with all the money. You know...Swiss banks and all.

The Doggy Did It said...

Hmmm, no cooter wisdom??

Crimson said...

Another great list.. I love how your mind works ;)

Oh great One said...

I was with you on the couple thing until butt slam comment. What if you don't have a tent?

Dave Morris said...

Misanthropistic isn't a word? What the fuck do you call it then? It's a collection of letters that is pronounceable. It's a word. How have the other "real" words come about? That's right, they were just made up.

I say put it in webster's!! Long Live LBB!!!

Rick said...

The Swiss are the kind of people who bring a knife to a gunfight. With the corkscrew flipped out!

tornwordo said...

Wow, both philosophical

More than anything I detest toil. But I have a nagging suspicion that the lack of toil saps the value out of life.

and hilarious

Then they meet on Brokeback Mountain and butt-slam each other in a tent

Well done!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Global warming is real. Otherwise how do you explain air conditioning?

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I often ponder about the Swiss.

They're like Canadians with better watches.

Heidi the Hick said...

Hello my fellow Life Observationist.

You know, if you trace it back far enough, I'm Swiss!

My shrink has never ever offered me a Happy Meal. And let me tell you, that ridiculous little Jack Sparrow doll is enough to make me smile AND ignore the inevitable gut-rot!

Heidi the Hick said...

Oh, also, the cute thing. I've never been able to pull of sexy. All attempts are polluted by cute, probably due to be short and young looking. I used to hate it but as I'm already shrinking and getting older I'll take it.

Two others admitted to being HICKS in this comment section, so....how do we tie cute and Hick together???

Bennet said...

All very funny...You are the consistency king.

I actually rather Jack In The Box over Burger King but who has the time?
In the time it takes them to make a burger, I've had plenty enough time to jack my own box.

Czarina said...

I guess this unicorn version is a much better version than saying "...I'll go hunt up Bambi and serve him for dinner!"

OMG..gay men I know have sucky music taste! However, I do notice that gay men love to gesticulate wildy and arrange my bow-tie. I bet it's an excuse to rub my 32A's. Assholes!

Serendipity said...

Oh dear. I hated being called cute. My friend in elementary school once defined it for me this way.

Cute = face too small for any beauty or sexiness, so cute is quite handy. I hated being called cute. At 5'2" barely 80 pounds, and a shapely one at that, I get cute a lot.

I wish I knew this then, I wouldn't have hated it so much.

Jamie Dawn said...

Today, I saw a dead unicorn along the side of the road.
I stopped and took a picture.
I had no idea it was true.
Someone somewhere upset somebody and that poor unicorn paid the price.

rachel said...

I love the comment about lesbians not inheriting the gay love of music, knowing a good motor oil too.........hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Latigo Flint said...

This post deserves to be behind glass. You are a goddamn triumph of humanity. You are one magnificent bastard.

JJ said...

Stoopid blogger wouldn't let me comment yesterday...ugg. I am so gonna try that first bullet point. I'm guessin the results will astound me...

Dorothy said...

I only like the BK's that actually still do the flame broiling, not the ones with the re-heated whopper meat. But if you're going strictly for the grease, and I think we all do, McD's is hard to beat.

Here via Renee today. Glad to meet you LBB

Carmen said...

I like your brand of discipline. I've I had kids, that's the kind of smart ass thing I'd tell them, warping their mind for eternity!

It's my First visit. You made me laugh. Score one for you. Like you need that - you have 50 comments!

Carrie said...

...a unicorn dies...

so, so wrong, yet so damn funny! :)

I can always count on you to have me laughing out loud! :)

Barry S. said...

Nice tie-in at the end, LBB. There cannot ever be too many Brokeback Mountain jokes.

missy said...

Oh, I'm glad I wandered here! This post is hilarious!

Heart Of Darkness said...

On the unicorn - so NOT nice! Shame on you!

On the cute/sexy - hum... is that why I'm single? I always though of myself as more cute then sexy, but I guess I was wrong... :)

Sysm said...

Hey. I work for Burger King's marketing company. We don't do shitty movies anymore. The last couple tie-ins were King Kong, Superman, Spider-Man, and Star Wars. The last shitty one was Cat in the Hat.

McDonald's had a contract with Disney for 10 years. It just ended. That shit'll be everywhere soon enough.

Toni said...

Sexy isn't cute. But cute is sexy. This is why sexy people are usually single and miserable and why cute people always have dozens of admirers vying for their affections.

Which is why I like being cute! :)

myende said...

interesting! i'll use that unicorn bit on my students!

exile said...

i was going to leave a profound comment here, but then i read "butt-slam"

everything i could have said fails to sum it up so sucked-synced-ly