7/14/2006

Random acts of blogness and sensless acts of musings

  • If plant life had to reproduce via sexual intercourse, I submit the first order of plants to go extinct would be the cactus.
  • I'd never wish to be deaf. But I often wish I was near-dear, or far-deaf, whichever would be the analog to farsightedness, where one can see things from far away perfectly, but cannot see things near the eyes. I would like this same affliction except on my ears instead of my eyes. I would like to be deaf to all things near, yet be able to hear those sounds reporting from in the distance.
  • I take a relaxed attitude at my job because I figure before I got there, the position was vacant. Nobody was doing anything. The joint didn't burn down. Right?
  • Show me an environmentalist and I'll show you a misanthrope. Let's assume we ARE leaving footprints on the planet. Why do they assume that's a BAD thing? Maybe we're good for the planet. Beavers build damns. They change the routes of water and impact the ecosystem. Should we protest beavers (Eat more dam beaver)? Dung beetles move crap into big, steaming piles. Let's protest dung beetles (Stay out of our shit, dung beetle!). Mosquitos spread malaria. Cows fart (Eat a burger; preempt a fart; save the ozone). Yet the earth survives and even thrives with all these irresponsible animals trifling with the planet.
  • Since they put those big, robotic arms on garbage trucks I figure being a garbage man is a good career. It's like going through the drive-thru 190 times a day. Easy money. Worried about telling others you're a garbage man? Tell them you're a "municipal robotic arm operator.” You'll be the toast of your high school reunion.
  • I read a marine-style t-shirt that read “Pain is only weakness, leaving the body.” (And maybe a little brains, too!)
  • How come the odds of a stone finding its way into your shoe are pretty good, but the odds of it working its way out are zero? I've had stones in sandals that can't find their way out!
  • Charcoal does to meat what a Wonderbra does to boobs.
  • “Hey boss. I have a proposal for me to work from home. Have the guys in Networking install a video cam on your office PC. Then, every hour or so, you can moon the camera and I can kiss my monitor at home. Same effect. No commute.
  • Given the dismal failure of public school systems, I propose we make school buildings out of log cabins. No broadband Internet. No microscopes or Bunsen burners. Just candlelight and a Franklin stove. Think about it. Those kids from Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons read like gangbusters. And look how well Abraham Lincoln turned out!
  • Some employers give shift differentials for working off-hours. I think you should get differential premiums when you work with douchebags.
  • Marketing idea: peace protesters often burn candles. So make a candle in one of those Jesus-type glasses, but instead of Jesus, put a picture of a sophisticated and dignified black fella on the glass. The name of the product: Nelson Candella. Kum-by-ah, beyotch!

50 comments:

It's Me, Maven... said...

First!

Oy! I need a differential premium for the "Management." She claims she'll be retiring this year... perhaps I'll get a good Christmas this year:)

Phain said...

YEAH WONDERBRA!!!!

Oh great One said...

far-deaf. Now that's something I could go for! "Sorry son, I see your lips moving but I don't know what you are saying. Why is your face so red? Why are you thrusting your juice cup at me?"

Danke Shane said...

The perfect blog to start my weekend! Thanks for being warped in a good way..

Elaine said...

(Stay out of our shit, dung beetle!).

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

oh and Fardeaf sounds like a grand disability to have. It would almost be like a superpower...

S. A. F. said...

Ummm, would you accept Paypal for five Nelson Candellas. I gotta have em! Love your blog! Check out mine...C'mon, you know you want to!

Tense Teacher said...

"Cows fart (Eat a burger; preempt a fart; save the ozone)."

Can you make me a t-shirt that has those words emblazoned across the front? I would wear that proudly!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I am SO pitching that "work from home" idea to my boss...;)

Thanks for the idea!

jules said...

Charcoal does to meat what a Wonderbra does to boobs.
So true, so true.

NWJR said...

So you're saying you should cook Beaver over Charcoal? Will that take away the fishy taste?

I once read a book by an environmentalist that advocated the extinction of the cow since all we did was eat them. Seriously. An environmentalist advocated extinction.

It's a weird world out there, LBB. And you're helping us document it. Keep up the good (if rabidly Conservative) work.


(BTW: "Nelson Candella"? Priceless!)

Raggedy said...

shit differential, nelson candella...lmao
good post..
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Softball Slut said...

Nelson Candella? I love it!! You should take it to Liz, and ya'll can Market it.

Jenni said...

Nelson Candella. You better throw a patent on that shit cuz I'm ALL OVER IT!

poopie said...

Only you could put charcoal and Wonderbra in the same thought.

Ari said...

I had to think about that charcoal one.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I call bullshit. Dung beetles do NOT pile crap in big piles. They make little piles out of big piles, thereby keeping you from stubbing your toe in a big cow plop. Apologize, please.

Oh, by the by, Nelson Candella is a winner. Major winner.

Czarina said...

I think they should put celery with every bean product they sell. Bean being a fart-food, and celery being its antidote.

The product would be marketed as "fart-free greens" or something. You're much better at coming up with names.

Peter said...

“Pain is only weakness, leaving the body.”

I guess that's OK Bugs,as long as it leaves.

PBS said...

Wow, I could go for the near-deafness disorder. Also sign me up for three Nelson Candellas. That one will be a best-seller.

karla said...

I love the Nelson Candella idea! I'm just mad that you thought of it instead of me.

Bug said...

LMFAO! Dude you are too funny! I passed along the trash-man one to my dad...he was in the garbage business for almost 20 years. He about died laughing ;o) Have a great day sweetie!

NeverEnough said...

Really, really good ones!! The effect of people on the environment made me think.

You rock, as usual...

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Spinning Girl said...

Big ups for throwing in the Little House on the Prairie thoughts. Hearty agreement! I always thought those prairie folk had it easy. I even wrote about it once. See?

Nobody said...

I also take the relaxed work attitude. Now I have a good reason for it.

Mom of Three said...

Near-deaf, so I wouldn't have to hear tnose blowhards on their cell phones in line at Safeway prattline on about mindnumbing unimportant bullshit that could have waited for...ever.

With all their Bunsen burners and wireless, I still homeschool my kid at the dining room table, and she worked through two grades in one year in only 4 hours a day. Plenty of extra time for lots of socializing. Therefore, I agree.

Jon Cox said...

Hahaha! Awesome post!

frozen ananas said...

what with all those kinky plants, i wouldn't be surprised if all we have left in the world are horny cactii, and maybe a few venus flytraps locked in french kisses.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

"Charcoal does to meat what a Wonderbra does to boobs."

Make them better?

Webmiztris said...

I have to ask....

why do you want to be fardeaf?

I have to admit, it would be really fucking cool to hear what people are whispering about me.

Heidi the Hick said...

Man, I don't know what the hell is going on at school but it sure irritates me that they'd come home with a truckload of homework and tell me that the teacher played a movie for them in class. A friggin bad movie with sled dogs and Paul Walker or some crap like that.

Electricity free school! I'd supply the firewood.

I'd teach them at home if I wasn't such a dumbass.

Scottsdale Girl said...

I'm deciding whether or not to "click" on "Beautiful ass picture" or not... whatcha think?

mcBlogger said...

I've always liked "Refuse Transfer Engineer"

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Excellent list as usual brother! The one about the boss and kissing his ass was the best! Love it.

Molicious said...

I still prefer the term "waste management". Very gangsta.

rachel said...

The proposal to work at home is fantastic. Made me laugh so hard

Carrie said...

"cow's fart"...

Bwahahahahaha :)

flea said...

fardeaf isn't that a band or something....

i don't know what i'm talking about ~ great post another classic

Miss Sassy said...

Same Effect. No Commute.

Me and my Monday Morning Beyotchfest Meeting will randomly leave that quote about the postits today, like on the bosses monitors or whatnot.
Then in a month I'll bring up the link to home idea. See what they come up with.
Did I mention I was a psych major?

phlegmfatale said...

not to worry, my dear - you are married and male and therefore have been imbued with a kind of partial deafness. I'm guessing this is happy news for you, but don't bother announcing this fact to your wife - she already knows.

Becky said...

If I got to pick to be deaf or blind I'd have to pick blind, I couldn't live without music.

five_dollar_fridays said...

I am casting my ballot for the Douchebag Differential! Now that I deserve! Hands down!

Horny cacti, Wonderbras, farting cows and Nelson Candella...you have it all!

nongirlfriend said...

I think I need a differential premium right about now...

nettie said...

Fardeafness, but why would you want to?

Riss said...

I am crying over the pebble in the shoe thing.

Avatar said...

//I think you should get differential premiums when you work with douchebags.//

Yet another justification for my proposed "Asshole Tax". Douchebags pay more, and their sufferers get PAID more. Everybody wins! Except the doughebags. But fuck 'em anyway.

Leesa said...

I have the shoe/stone problem too. Did you figure it out yet?

Anonymous said...

A note about the swiss; having everyones money is key, but also having most of their men in the reserve, with automatic wapons in their closets just in case the shit goes down (hasn't gone down in ages) may also be a factor. No school shootings their ether. Go figure.

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