7/28/2006

Weekend ponderings

  • If a guy knows that a girl has a severe allergy to nuts, yet he tea-bags her anyway, can he be charged with attempted murder?
  • Here's a free tip: If you eat enough Fruity Pebbles you'll eventually crap out a Fruity Boulder.
  • I read a history book referring to “German-Jews.” Isn't that an oxymoron?
  • Republican and Democratic voters should stop arguing with each other. Whichever you are, remember: no Republican is so conservative that he won't tax your money away from you, and no Democrat is so liberal that the plight of the downtrodden is more important than his own political career.
  • A man who tries and fails 100 times was a fool for not quitting long ago. The man who tries 101 times and finally succeeds was, in retrospect, a genius the entire time he was failing. That's the problem. You don't get to redeem your idiocy for genius until and unless success comes. If success evades you, as it so often does, you just keep becoming a bigger idiot. Also, only the biggest idiots in life become successful. Hello, George Bush.

55 comments:

NeverEnough said...

Oh shit!! These are good ones, once again. What the hell are you smoking when you write anyway?

asianpixie said...

I am engaged to a German-Jew. It was a strange thing to encounter, but such is life.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Yes, stop arguing, you're all a bunch of political jackasses! That is my word, ya heard!

Carrie said...

Where do you come up with this stuff? The first one had me rolling. :)

NWJR said...

1) I would say the ball isn't in his court.

2) Pebbles was the hot one that was doing Bam-Bam, right?

3) Nothing is more important to a politician than continued survival. It's good to be reminded of this periodically.

4) Yes, continued failure leading to ultimate success is the story of Abraham Lincoln. GW Bush is, unfortunately, no Abraham Lincoln.

Phain said...

but what if you eat nothing but cocoa krispies?

JJ said...

Tea-bagging...gawd! Only if the "glove" fits! If it don't fit, acquit.

LMAO @ le chat!

Raggedy said...

hahahahaha
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) huge huggles
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Junebugg said...

Would you believe I had to explain what "tea-bagging" was to a grown woman the other day? My God, where has she been all her life and why hasn't her husband taught her these things.......

Oh great One said...

I was trying to come up with some clever comment but I can't top NWJR's Pebbles comment. It's too good!

Ari said...

Spot on today, LBB. I have a question about the fruity boulder, though: is it considered igneous, sedimentary, or metamorphic?

Violet said...

So, what if the guy has a severe allergy to cats?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Touche, Violet.

Heidi the Hick said...

I'm German (Mennonite) and a lot of our Pennsylvania Dutch words are similar to Yiddish. We is all related, we is.

Do you know how many times I've considered the fool/genius thing? Like, usually when I'm failing miserably at something...

sorry that's all i got. The allergic to cats comment wiped me out.

rachel said...

What the hell with the 'german-jews', spitting railway tracks here

poopie said...

Gee I learn so much cool stuff here..like tea-bagging! And Bush is an idiot!

Blog ho said...

number four will haunt me until death, my dear Alpha Johnson.

CaCaBoy said...

1. Yes.
2. Big as a house!
3. Damn them all!
4. Better to have tried and dailled, then to never have tried at all.....

Great post, per the usual!

Anonymous said...

1. Um, in this day and age, you becha. Probably get off with an insanity plea though.
2. Ok, step away from the bong.
3. Yep, German Jews. Jewish people from Germany. Sort of how Hitler and his buds became familiar with them. Mostly secular, very nationalistic population till the you-know-what went down. Beleive it or not, there are still Jews in Germany. But then again, Black people still chose to live in Mississippi, so go figure.
4. Ok. Real issue goes like this (brace yourself). Our system, ever since the govt became directly responsible for everyones personal business during the New Deal, has steadily gotten every segment of society hooked on the opiate of "aid" through wealth redistribution. Everyone is hooked! Fess up! The middle class are the biggest junkies. You think the sky would crash in if the govt really stopped spending all that money. How would all your kids pay for college, your folks pay for retirement, etc. etc. etc.
So, no matter who is elected, no matter which party, even some magical 3rd party, they all have to spend the money. They won't stay in power if they don't, and you can't do shit if you don't get elected and stay in the majority. So they all pit their various constituent groups against one another based on who is considered to be more deserving of money and who's sick to fuckin death of being a cash cow for dead beats, until the dead beat turns out to be your mom, who needs "free" meds to take care of her mostly age related ailments. so we all continue to pay out the ass for the most advanced medical care in human history to keep her alive way longer than human beings were ever ment by nature to live. But if you get between my mom and her meds I'll fuckin shoot you.

So, we're all goin strait to hell, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it, because its us that are doin it. Toqueville predicted it 180 yrs ago. Check it out.

Pfew! Was that like one long run on sentence? I was rollin.

5. yea but, these are the people that the system shits out for our parusal. Its always a choice between the lesser of two evils. You just hold your nose and pick the one who seems less likely to fuck you over in your personal life. And don't hit me with any of that cum-bi-ya bullshit ether. Fuck the planet. I've only got about 20 years left to enjoy whatever happiness I can scratch out if it. Maybe less than that. We cleaned up a few of the rivers and kept the tigers from going tits up, so let the next generation inherit some of the sludge. See what they can do with it.

Scottsdale Girl said...

I was trying to figure out an allergy related to a rim shot. Then I threw up in my mouth a little and moved on.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You know, that annonymous commentator above makes a hell of a lot of sense.

Anonymous said...

Thanks.

Chad said...

Actually, I've found that if you eat enough Quaker Oats, eventually you shit out a Quaker. But that could just be me.

Toni said...

Wait a second...I thought the way to say it is "She tea-bags him" since technically she's doing the work.

Brookelina said...

This is exactly why I hate politicians. Excellent work!

tornwordo said...

Beautiful!

And I haven't thought about Fruity Pebbles in years. With a name like that, it's a surprise they sold any at all, lol.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Speaking of fruity boulder... I'm planning on doing something along those lines next year. I plan on eating 1/2 lb of carrots, wait a half hour, then eat 1/2 lb of pistaschios, and see if I can crap out the Irish flag...

PS: I'm 1/4 Irish myself, so I'm not being anti-Eire.

Jenni said...

If I were 6 again I would totally take you up on that Fruity Pebble thing.

Frap Gurl said...

The German/Jew thing..inside joke ,........

Serendipity said...

Fruity pebbles...I am stopping it right now. I thought it's health cereal.My kids love it!

German-Jew...someone elucidate me. Being an Asian Jew myself, I miss the point.

Czarina said...

Can someone explain "tea bags" to me? I haven't heard that term before.

It's Me, Maven... said...

www.teabagging.com

nongirlfriend said...

Ha, you said "bush."

Riss said...

"Whichever you are, remember: no Republican is so conservative that he won't tax your money away from you, and no Democrat is so liberal that the plight of the downtrodden is more important than his own political career."

WORD. That just about sums it up.

jules said...

You are SOOOOO twisted. I like that in a Bug's Butt.

Sharon said...

Yeah, elected officials. Irritating, aren't they.

Melonie said...

"Also, only the biggest idiots in life become successful. Hello, George Bush." Not only have you long ago won my heart, but now my grandmother thinks you are hot!

Dave Morris said...

What do you call a person who doesn't have the energy to try even 3 times, not to mention 101???

So I was foolish enough to actually go to www.teabagging.com. I wasted 14 hours there.

Jon Cox said...

Hahahaha! AWESOME POST! I love the first 2! :o)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

That reminds me: Is it "Jew's Harp" or "Juice Harp"? You know?

Okay, "Mouth Organ." Have it your own way...

Czarina said...

What do you know, you learn something new everytime. I finally just have google define it because teabag.com didn't work for me. Wouldn't load.

Teabagging is a slang term for the act of a man placing his genitals, specifically the scrotum, on the face, head, or in the mouth of another person.

Windmilling is striking someone in the face with a penis (also known as a Fodunk, "Turkey Slap" and "Love Slap").

Heart Of Darkness said...

Every Q deserves a A:
1) Only if she bites them off. But then it goes both ways...
2) Never tried it. But thanks for sharing!
3) Only in the redundancy department
4) Righties are moving left, lefties are moving right... the middle is getting crowded!
5) Nope, he's still an idiot. Even a blind hen finds a grain once every now and then... doesn't make it any less blind, does it?

NYCbeauty said...

You never fail to make me laugh out loud. As for "German-Jews", it belongs in a "history" book because at one time it was not an oxymoron. Sad fucking world.

Also, I've never been tea-bagged w/o my consent before. I imagine that'd be a tough feat. So it would definitely be an "intentional" crime and therefore worthy of the murder charge...
xo
jw

mcBlogger said...

If
success = genius
and
George Bush = idiot
then
success = idiot

Did I get that right?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Now I can't get the image of pooping a big green Fruity boulder out my ass out of my head.

Thanks bunches...;

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
exile said...

I’m on the precipice of genius and idiocy

kari said...

You really are smart.

Amandarama said...

If a guy knows that a girl has a severe allergy to nuts, yet he tea-bags her anyway, can he be charged with attempted murder?

Only if he slathered peanut butter on them first. And then the bitch was probably asking for it.

Greg said...

You just blew my mind...

Barry S. said...

nycbeauty, you'd be surprised at the amount of non-consentual teabagging that occurs these days. I hear its a national pandemic.

Webmiztris said...

and Hello, Britney Spears! don't forget about that skank! :D

Zinnia said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

That second one is hysterical, but then I have a warped sense of humor!

Janet said...

Dude, you are pondering some seriously heavy and complex thoughts on the weekend, what the hell goes on inside your head Mon-Friday?:)

Here today via Dawn of Tiny Voices recommendation!:)

Spinning Girl said...

I always felt that Bam-Bam got the short end of the Flintstones marketing stick. No cereal, no dog food. Hell, he's not even a vitamin. (Try to follow my leap from Fruity Pebbles there)