8/14/2006

e-Harmony.com

I've always wondered what the “29 dimensions of compatiblity” are on e-Harmony.com Twenty-nine? That's a lot of dimensions. I figure one of them should be “genital girth.” Also, “likelihood to maim/kill spouse” seems an important dimension of compatibilty. After all, who cares whether your next mate likes classical music and long walks on the beach? I want to know what they look like naked and whether they'll make an attempt on my life for eating cookies in bed. If John Bobbit would have known ahead of time the odds his wife would cut his pecker off, I think he would have opted for different mail-order bride. In fact, I'd bet Nicaraguan girls everywhere are having a difficult time finding men since that story broke. If you're sharing a bed with a Nicaraguan girl, sleep on your stomach, my friend. Even then, you might still wind up with a fireplace poker in your poop shoot. Now that you've got me thinking, if you have a girlfriend or wife from anywhere in Central America, better get in the habit of duct taping her to the bed post at night. No se mueva esta noche, chica. Quiero tener mi pene!

42 comments:

Amandarama said...

whether they'll make an attempt on my life for eating cookies in bed.

Well, Jesus, that's awfully specific. I just want to know if they'll make an attempt on my life. That's why, when they show up, I greet them while cleaning a rifle - it worked for my dad when my boyfriends showed up in high school.

Heidi the Hick said...

My husband tells me regularly that he is afraid of me and that I scare him. I'm not really sure what he means by this. He sleeps on his back and wakes up alive every morning.

Fifteen years of marital bliss, baby!

Miss Cellania said...

I've wondered about that, too, since men don't have as many dimensions as women.

Mr. Friendly said...

Considering string theory only requires 11 dimensions, is eHarmony suggesting that it is harder to find two compatible persons than to create and maintain the universe?

Hell, I don't know, I am still trying to figure out why Dunkin' Donuts dropped their trademark cruller.

tornwordo said...

Just the name of that site makes me giggle. I love the genital girth category. How does one measure a pussy?

Becky said...

“likelihood to maim/kill spouse" I'd score really high on that one! It is hard to restrain myself at times!

mcBlogger said...

haha that's hilarious. I've never considered any of my dimensions though, aside from the ones that make up my ass. Keep it trim. There, it's simple!

NWJR said...

I want to know ... whether they'll make an attempt on my life for eating cookies in bed.

I've had enough crumbs in bed to know that there SHOULD be a category for eating cookies.

NWJR said...

How does one measure a pussy?

If you have enough inches, it shouldn't be a problem.

Oh great One said...

MMMMM cookies....

❉ pixie ❉ said...

Wow, how long has it been since the Bobbit incident? What a thing to be forever known for. At least he got that porn deal afterwards.

Barry S. said...

I try to sleep on my stomach no matter the country of origin. They all have potential to do the slice-and-dice if conditions are right.

Nölff said...

There's guy in college who said he did a Mexican girl in the butt and had to go to the doctor because his dick was swelling. He thought he had a staph infection or somethin'.

He said that he had a pepper seed lunged in his pee hole.

I never liked the idea of anal sex. That story (I don't know if it's true or not) reinforced my stance.

jali said...

I've wondered the same thing (29?)but I still haven't taken advantage of the special offer for a $50 personality test... for FREE! ...but wait...there's more! If we call right now, we'll get two - yes two personality quizzes for the price of one - convenient for those who have more than one personality. I'm not saying me - those out there multiple personalities.

Jen said...

LMAO!!! Liz sent me over here and I liek what I read! I will be back!

NYCbeauty said...

Years ago, I'm ashamed to say, I did the profile in the midst of a frenzy of internet dating. There is only ONE question having to do w/looks. It's spirituality oriented. I got like 50 replies in one second. I read one, he sounded like a loser, and I never signed up. I haven't met my soulmate but it wouldn't be from there!!

Carrie said...

My mom keeps suggesting to me (like every single time we talk) that I should go on that site. yet, every time I see a commercial for it, all I can think is that those people are serious dorks and I don't want to date anyone like that. Someone told me that the dimensions of compatibility were based on Scientology, don't know if that's true, but Tom Cruise scares me. :)

migraine boy said...

Why don't they just cut out all this election and war crap and make you Supreme Warlord of Earth?

It's Me, Maven... said...

Mmmmmmm.... "genital girth."

Excuse me whilst I daydream and drool...

Anonymous said...

Lorena Bobbitt was actually from Ecuador, of which is also my husband. This may explain his reasons for marrying an American.

jules said...

Hey, at least it wasn't 69 dimensions...although that might have been more interesting.

Webmiztris said...

I've always wanted to sign up on a site like that just to see what kind of bozos are out there...just for shits and giggles. But I ain't paying for that shit, HELL no.

phlegmfatale said...

Those eHarmony commercials make me want to duct tape someone to a chair and whip out the crisco and a flame thrower. Marriage? Bad fuckin' ideer.

When people get mushy in movies, I always say " Run, girl! He the devil! Run, boy! She the devil!"
Husband laughs at that, for some reason.

CP said...

I took the quiz for shits and giggles.

Apparently, I am meant to masturbate for the rest of my life, because the computer shut down on me and said "fucker, you are meant to be alone".

Is that bad?

CP.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

That was GODDAMN FUNNY! I too have wondered about this Col. Sanders of Love and his 29 herbs and spices. Who the hell is he and why does his $hit not stink?

I don't think I have 29 dimensions.

Lets see...
1. Likes BBQ
2. Likes Nascar
3. Prefers Oral Sex (from females of course)

Thats it. I call it my Trifecta of Love.

I think the test is this. Women, we all know, are incredibly complex beings. They probably have 50 or 60 dimensions. Throw in some one like Sybil and you have to use permutations and combinations to figure out how many dimensions there are.

So the test is this. Any man who can complete a 29 dimension test is "minimally acceptable" to be with a woman. He got 29 out of 50 which gives him a 58% chance of making it long enough to call it a "relationship."

Any woman who has more than 50 dimensions makes it that much harder to predict a successful outcome. Medication could limit this, but my rule is that any time you need a Texas Instruments Calculator to go on a date you sould save the money, time, and heart ache - stay home and masterbate...

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

How does one measure a pussy?

Assuming the oraface in question is cylyndrically shaped or can be for measurement purposes...

We start with pi*r2 or Pie Are Square. That gives us area. Then multiply that times depth.

So... We'll call Pi 3.142857
And... I'll just assume that the RADIUS is 1 inch. Your cooch may vary.

3.142857 * 1squared = 3.142857 (simple right?) and we will assme depth at 7 inches

3.142857 * 7 = 21.99999. So by my estimates Dimension 6 or Dimension 9 should be, "Can you accomodate 22 cubic inches of penis?

nongirlfriend said...

Okay, translate please. I still haven't gotten that far in my Spanish class yet.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Anonymouses husband IS Ecuador? talk about genital GIRTH baby!

Ok I tried e-harmony and got 55 yr old dorkwads sent to me. OR if someone was even MY AGE (still dorkwads) they got all testy and dissed me if I didnt respond to their shit in like T minus 3 seconds. Stoopid site.

Ane Greg in the Jungle is absofuckinlutely correct...I let you decide on what.

Thank god I met the Prince the old fashioned way...in a dark biker bar at 11:30 pm on a fuckin school night. YEAH BABY!

Rachel Heather said...

I think eharmony makes a relationship too much like a business deal...

what happened to romance fate and fireworks??
I prefer not to find my boyfriends by way or testing...it feels like a job interview :)

Latigo Flint said...

You're a goddamn machine LBB--and I mean that in the very best way. You're right... Samuel's got nothin' on you.

Avatar said...

I'm SO with you on the "genital girth" dimension.

Ego's Alter said...

..and to think, I've been stuck in the 5th Dimension. It is the age of Aquarius after all!

Peter said...

Very funny stuff again BF.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

I married a wonderful woman whom we share every bliss! Ahhhh, and also I make sure there are no knives in the house at all. That too. Very important.

Video X said...

scary. i actually know someone who's (now ex) wife tried to kill him. nutso!

now about the duct tape to the bedpost thing...well...i'm at work. should not be thinking about those things!

Blonde Vigilante said...

If I'm being tied to the bed...it will not be for sleeping purposes.

Chad said...

Duct tape may not be the best solution.

Superglue is fairly effective in restraining the uncooperative or mildly delusional female, after all, who is going to rip large portions of skin from their body? Then I met one girl that would, given the chance, gnaw her own arm off and then beat you with it. I slept with my gun under my pillow after that little experience.

Personally, I saw screw the "compatability" issues. When I want to get rid of the unflushable, I institute the three step plan:

1. Screw her in the ass,
2. Finish on her face,
3. Wipe your tool on her curtains.

The woman who can withstand that is to be avoided at all costs.

Greta said...

bwhahahaha!! e harmony cracks me up..that is such bullshit...that's why if you call now you get a free profile

C said...

Hey I am from Mexico and I have never once tried to remove any male genitalia. What a waste of the male anatomy! Sex is better when you're mad. Just fantasize about another guy while doing it with him and then accidentally or not accidentally yell out the wrong name - then say ooopsy - I am still sort of mad at you and it reminded me of the time that my ex with the big black dick pissed me off too and we had mad sex afterward. It was great.

Fathairybastard said...

It's all about the girth baby. Prehensile circus freaks aside, its all about the all around. The motion of the ocean. And maybe the girth of yer wallet in a pinch.

...and any bitch that comes at me with a knife had better know how to use it.

Dave Morris said...

Nicaraguan girls smell like Fritos, it's weird. In Lorena's case, Fritos and knife.

Take the scotch away from me now, seriously.

Elaine said...

Just go with a Filipino girl. We don't like cutting or blood. Lighting fire to things is more our forte.