8/03/2006

Random shooting

  • When one of my neighbors is repairing his roof, I pull a chair up to my window and watch intently. I figure there's an outside shot that they'll fall from the roof, and I hate to miss out on a good laugh.
  • If “humor is everywhere,” why do so many new sit-coms fail?
  • Many people will tell you, “It's not what you do in life that you'll regret. It's what you DON'T do.” This is poor counsel. Many times I reflect on my life and think “Man, I'm glad I never got involved in that load of crap!” In fact, most of the things I do either fail, backfire or underwhelm. So the LESS I do, the further along I go! Eat that, Tony Robbins.
  • I think many Americans hate their country because it's the only country in the world that gives them the freedom they need to make a mess of their lives.
  • I don't understand how I shave the same face everyday with the same razor at the same time, yet the quality of my shave can vary from blissful to torturous. Genital shaving, however, is remarkably consistent in ease and comfort. I think I'll grow a beard and become a porn star.
  • The odds of meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex is proportional to how many onions were in your sandwich at lunch.
  • You know how old people fret over stupid, little things, like how the canned peaches on aisle 15 are supposed to ring up three for a dollar, not two for a dollar. I used to think old people just sucked. But now I understand. It's not the 17 cents. It's the way the whole world doesn't make any damn sense anymore. Things have changed too fast, gotten ass-backwards and out of whack. From that point of view, every mispriced can of peaches is a metaphysical threat to their capacity to understand and function in an ever-increasingly complicated and chaotic universe. Man, old people really do suck!

59 comments:

Miss Understanding said...

Love the way you think! I would pull up a chair too!

Thanks for sharing LBB

Oh great One said...

I think these are some of my favorites! Your onion philosophy one is right on the money!

Fathairybastard said...

Yep, old people suck. My neighbors are all old. Thought it would be nice. No fuckin kids playin grab ass in my yard. Turns out they pay for everything to be done, while they glare at me for letting shit go. God forbid one of my cats walks threough their yard. Hope they all get a tumor. Nothing fatal. Just ugly and smelly.

It's NOT what you didn't do. It's the stupid thing you did that follows you around forever. You know, like a wife, or a kid, or an STD. The glowing immages of things you should have done mask the reality that if you'd have done those things, you'd have fucked them up too. You're just saving yourself a lot of trauma in the end.

Seriously, some people hate this country because they don't know how good they've got it. Some because they want us to try harder to live up to the poetry of the founding documents, which we'll never be able to fully do. The fuckin founders couldn't, so how will we ever be able to? Other peoiple are just picky, humorless assholes, which helps answer the other point you made about sit-coms.

On the shaving thing...
I think you're a very sad little man.

Is the chick who's turned off by the onion breath gonna love the dried food particles in the beard? And when se gets around to taking a fist full of yer junk in her mouth will she run screaming from the room, theatre, department store, whatever, when she sees yer shaved prepubescentness? Take a shot. Tell us how it goes. Could get lucky.

NWJR said...

You know you're old when you no longer care about shaving your balls.

jadedprimadonna said...

That's exactly why I stopped waitressing. Who wants to be responsible for keeping the entire universe in order for a bunch of old people who are pissed off when they get to the restaurant because of the stupid peaches? Certainly not me.

frozen ananas said...

according to my lifelong study,
odds = 3x(amount of onions/garlic eaten)+ 4log(seriousness of bad hair)+ square(awkwardness of situation)
it ain't pretty, that's for sure.

Sherri said...

Hmmm... I like the idea of a bearded porn star.

Peter said...

If “humor is everywhere,” why do so many new sit-coms fail?

Mostly cos thet're not funny Bugs.

Melonie said...

Is it me or does Tony Robbins have really really big teeth? Tony looks like some uberhuman.

Rachel Heather said...

onions AND garlic.


I once had a horrible experience shaving my "area"

ohhh i *shudder* at the memory

Violet said...

If "Laughter rises out of tragedy," why wasn't Joey the biggest hit ever?

Junebugg said...

Tony Robbins is really the devil trying to lure us all into his evil clutches!

Painter Beach Girl said...

I always think "Horseface" whenever I see Tony Robbins

Ari said...

I used to work retail at the "customer service" (complaint) desk and I'd think those thirty-something bitches who came to return a .99 card they bought and didn't need or complain about the lack of paper towels in the bathroom were sooooooo stupid and needed to get laid more instead of bothering me.

Now I do those things. I am become the enemy.

shpprgrl said...

I think I'm getting old. Because now I do some of that freakish stuff. (mildly) I almost had a stroke when I said "You could in the old days" once to a salesgirl. uh-oh!

Miss Cellania said...

I am the old lady who eats onions and tries to figure out an easier way to go hairless.

I must really suck.

Latigo Flint said...

You rule LBB.
(In the parlance of our time.)

Heart Of Darkness said...

Sorry to disapoint you, but the US is NOT the only country that gives people the freedom they need to make a mess of their lives - over here, it's almost mandatory to screw up, because the social net is so comfy and it will catch you when you fall (and you will).
Why work, when the government is more the willing to take care of you? We've got the largest percentage of slackers (those that claim to be too sick to work, but apparently aren't too sick to drink, party all night through and go on holidays abroad) in the world. YEY!


*sigh*

nongirlfriend said...

Heart of Darkness is right on the money.

Crashdummie said...

Hart, don't forget the increased amount of poor ppl getting ill and being forced to take sickleave during World Cup & other major sport events.

But you do have very good points LBB. However, the more you think, the more confused you'll get. So don't let your mind wander, it might easily get lost... or in my case, leave completely!

mcBlogger said...

What if you don't eat onions? Are ya doomed to never meet someone attractive? I beg to differ. As long as there is plenty of garlic, you stand a good chance of bumping into someone good looking immediately after.

Hella said...

YOu have a morbid sense of humour and I like it! I too tend to get a giggle out of people getting injured. Not selective about it either...could be family, friends or strangers...I end up laughing!!

Hey thanks for your suggestion for the first date..LOL

As always... Rachael said...

When I get old Im going to dress up nice and sit on my porch every day getting tanked on fancy cocktails. People will think I'm an eccentric old lush who just sits outside to wave at passers-by, but what I'll really be doing is waiting for one of my neighbors to fall off their roof. Thanks for the idea, lbb!

randommoments said...

Sorry to concentrate on this one area, especially when there's so much great shite to comment on in this post but --

Men really shave their junk??? >shudder< That's a severe accident waiting to happen.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Consider yourself reminded...

Waiting for that fax.

Sassy One said...

There is nothing quite like the laugh can get at other people's unfortunate accidents.
I figure its okay that I laugh my arse off those few times since it's usally me on my ass somewhere with people laughing.

Janet said...

Ok.

If the amount of onions on your sandwich indicates your chances of meeting someone, what does that say about the chances of that someone braving onion breath and sticking around?:)

JJ said...

Old people GET math. That's why the peaches thing bugs them.

MKD said...

I don't think you should live your life trying to shove Tony Robbins' own logic back in his face. That would be a sad, tragic life to live. Be free Bug's Butt. Be free.

asianpixie said...

Maybe you just have greasy balls? Try getting a better shaving gel for your face ;)

Molicious said...

That last point is dead effing on man!

Memphis Steve said...

My neighbors fall off their roofs all the time. Every day is another laugh. But now, because I've laughed at so many of them, I'm terrified to clean my own gutters. They're all just waiting for me!

tornwordo said...

If I have a big old snarly garlic pasta, it's just a given that I'll run into someone I know. I don't hate America, I just kinda feel like it hates me.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Okay, yeah, I think you should become a pornstar too...come over here I'll show you what I'm talking about.

Trying2BMe said...

Okay, I don't know if you're married or not, but you are so my type. Pulling up a chair to await the pain of someone else is priceless to me. It's as good as seeing someone laugh to the point of spewing from the nose.

Hugs and keep em coming :)

Becky said...

Being old and having alzheimer's has to be cool for one good reason, you get to meet new people every day!

Miss-Informed said...

Bad news, there were NO onions on my sandwich at lunch. Infact no sandwich was had at all. Doesn't bode well for you. Bummer.

Dave Morris said...

I must eat entire onions "apple-style" then.

jali said...

True: Old people suck. We lick too!

Elaine said...

Yeah, what Jali said ^^^^.

hahahahaha!

kari said...

I'd reconsider the beard. It would get smelly.

jules said...

"Genital shaving, however, is remarkably consistent in ease and comfort." Could that POSSIBLY be because you're more careful in that area?

exile said...

i agree on the face shaving

of course, my facial hair grows so slowly that i could have forgotten between shaves...

see:
http://exileindustries.blogspot.com/2006/07/hst-half-scruffy-thursday.html

poopie said...

Being old can be cool though...you get away with saying just about anything. I can sooooooo picture you as an old geezer :)

CP said...

But ten cans of peaches at a 17 cent overring each time is $1.70.

That there is Bingo Money, son.

CP.

Saucy Monk said...

good blog.
since yer such an expert on things, can you tell me if this is a real dude or what?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egN7ev_g5Y8

Raggedy said...

Great post!
hahahahahaha


Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) huge huggles
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

NeverEnough said...

Another great list. You're as twisted as usual :)

Greta said...

i am sooo freaking glad i found someone else who takes humor in other people hurting themselves....i thought it was just me

rachel said...

tinned peaches, onions for lunch and genital shaving, it's great work to get all that into a fantastic post.

Snooze said...

Bless you for shaving your genitals. There's just no excuse for a guy not to be groomed down there.

Spinning Girl said...

Did you hear about the roofer from Torrington, Connecticut who fell into the vat of 500-degree tar? True story. I think there's a waiting period for laughing at that one, but it's about to expire. I'm starting to hear some chuckles.

Tony Robbins has too many teeth. His mouth is crowded. Everyone is elbowing for room, just like in the lines to see his show. When I look at him, I think, "I will never regret having my extra teeth pulled."

Canned peaches are slippery heaven, smothered in their own juice. Yum.

PS I came up with the idea that you should FedEx me one of those delicious pizzas you mentioned, & then I will blog about it. Thanks. I'll wait by the door.

Serendipity said...

Careful about the old people LBB, all of us are heading that way. Horrors! I hope we all don't turn out like those nasty ones I see.

phlegmfatale said...

"I think many Americans hate their country because it's the only country in the world that gives them the freedom they need to make a mess of their lives. "

That may be the most profound thing you've ever posted here. And you've posted some real doozies!

Janet said...

Dawn pointed me here and I in turn, am trying to point some of my readers back to you. If you get the chance, come look for yourself!:)

Crystal said...

Yes! It isn't the falling that is so funny, it's the whole, "Whoa, Whoa WHOA!' thing before hand.

Beth said...

Not only did I not have onions in my sandwich--I didn't even have a sandwich for lunch! What the hell is that supposed to mean? I guess I will never have a love life. But I already knew this. Great.

Carrie said...

I'm with you on getting further ahead by not doing a lot of stuff. I think back on things I didn't do and pat myself on the back for not being as stupid as the people around me all the time. :)

Crimson said...

"I think many Americans hate their country because it's the only country in the world that gives them the freedom they need to make a mess of their lives"-- Perfectly said :)