8/24/2006

Random thoughts


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And now for Thursday's post of random thoughts:

  • Many astronomers have argued that Pluto is not a planet, partly because it lacks the mass and gravity to form into a sphere. It's just too small. Consequently, Pluto may loose its planetary status. In a related story, Gary Coleman is in danger of loosing his status as a person and must now describe himself as an “organic terrestrial asteroid.”
  • I'm not sure why this is. When I watch political news, I find myself agreeing with people who pronounce Muslim, “MUZZ-lim.” I usually disagree with people who pronounce Muslim, “MOOSE-lem.” Also, I agree with people who pronounce Iran and Iraq, “Eye-RAN” and “Eye-RACK,” and despise those who pronounce these two countries “EE-ron” and “EE-rock.”
  • I don't see why handicapped people get the premium parking lots. The way I see it, they're the ones with the motorized wheelchairs. Let them make the longer trip. Here I am trekking across the parking lot in this heat on my own two legs like a sucker. The next time I see a handicapped person riding his way to the Circle-K, I'm jumping on the handlebars of his electric scooter. I had to hike across this whole parking lot thanks to you. You're giving me a ride the rest of the way, grampa.
  • Women have two primary motivations: 1) to feel beautiful. 2) to possess something of value and rarity. If you want to attract a woman, you have to make her feel beautiful and you have to convince her that you're something rare and valuable. Then, after you marry her, you can reveal that you're just another average schmuck. Sorry, sugar. No refunds or exchanges on this model.
  • If you want to catch all the traffic lights during rush hour, all you have to do is have a pressing issue in your car that requires your undivided attention. I first observed this phenomenon when I needed to double-check some driving directions. I was actually hoping for a red light so I could take my eyes off the road long enough to read my handwritten chicken scrawl. Lo and behold, I caught every goddamn light (miraculous!), failed to read the directions in time, and missed my turn. So make sure you have a small emergency in your car. Any emergency will do. Maybe you've spilled some coffee or need to rummage through a pile of junk in your passenger seat to find your cell phone. Maybe you have a small car fire burning through the floorboard or your victim is trying to escape from the trunk. All of these things require your immediate and undivided attention. So make sure you have an issue like this brewing the next time you hit the ignition and back out of your garage. You'll hit nothing but green lights. Just a tip from me to you.
  • License plates should display the driver's cell phone number. That way, you can call them and tell them what an asshole they are in a civilized manner instead of shouting it out the window.

54 comments:

Carrie said...

You are so right about hitting all the green lights only when you really need to stop. :P

I am cracking up about the cell phone on the license plate suggestion! That right there could bring about world peace as people would finally be able to be held accountable for being idiots. :)

Carrie said...

Holy Crap! Was I really first or is this some blogger trick where comments are delayed from posting and everyone looks stupid for thinking they're first? Hmmm.

Amandarama said...

I can't speak for other women, but my primary motivation is to not have to work for a living - but through my own means so I don't lose half of it in a divorce. Damn community property state...

It's Me, Maven... said...

1. I believe in the universal worth of every human.
2. I believe farts are always funny. Especially if someone's dining at the "Y."
3. Your need to find a toilet when you need one is inversely more difficult. The more you need it, the less likely you'll find one.
4. Always have a spare pair of underpants on hand. Trust me.
5. If you want "Champagne wishes and caviar dreams," don't hook up with a schlub whose got a tuna fish salad salary.
6. Always check the nails and of teeth of prospective lovers. Nothing nastier than a hangnail or bucked teeth during coitus.
7. Those most beautiful or handsome rarely are the best lovers.
8. It's 99.44% true what they say about Asian guys. (hint: rice as a unit of measurement)
9. Always empty your cookies, temp files and cache.
10. Smile alot, it keeps the douchebags guessing.

Junebugg said...

1. Always go for the guy/gal who makes you laugh. Beauty fades, skin sags, E-D happens but best friends last
2. There's no such thing as an honest politician or lawyer
3. No one else will ever make you happy, you have to learn to love yourself before anyone else will ever love you
4. There is never a good reason to take shit off of anyone. Walk away and find someone else to play with
5. You're never too old to play, have sex or fall in love

Molicious said...

I'm all for the license plate thingie. Except I fear that I would get too many phone calls. Because I'm an asshole.

Tense Teacher said...

I have experienced the traffic light thing firsthand; but, you can't fool the traffic light gods. I tried just thinking that I wanted a red light one time (but I really didn't), and it didn't work.

Scottsdale Girl said...

YAY For the last one!!!!! Except I get to keep my vanity plates.

randommoments said...

ohmyGOD do you know how many times I have wished for the cell phone on the license plate thing???

"Hey, your blicker is on and its annoying the f@%k out of me. Turn already. And tell your kid to sit down and buckle up or the next call I make is to the cops."

D e s i g n Girl said...

I could not agree more on your traffic light theory. That is so true! If I'm running late, I hit every red light. But if I have extra time to get there, I hit every green light. It pisses me off every time.

Miss Cellania said...

A woman wants to feel good about herself, but its not only beauty involved. I believe a woman wants to be admired and desired, and those are two very different things.

So make her feel beautiful and make her feel like SHE is a rare and valuable thing. She already knows YOU're going to turn into a slob the first chance you get.

Jordan said...

I will never think the same way again about anyone who is handicapped / impaired. I dated someone with a child who had cerebral palsy a few years ago .. she deserved the 'premium parking spots'.
"I have two legs". and be grateful that you do. :-)

Yasamin said...

hahaha! @ women's primary movites. thats outstanding. that and the cell phone number plates. although i like screaming at people through my rolled up window because its too damned hot for me to even think about rolling that window down. so all they see is a silenced 15 second speech mouthed at them as i attempt to drive them into the nearest building.

Fathairybastard said...

I understand the idea of handicapped parking. What I don't get is how people get those stickers or mirror tags just for being old. How the hell did being old become a handicap? Don't you need to be afflicted or crippled? My grandparents didn't have a sticker, but my folks do. Maybe we need to get rid of the PC labels and set up crippled parking, geezer parking, and then lazy assed fuckwadd parking.

Toni said...

Gary Coleman is in danger of loosing his status as a person and must now describe himself as an "organic terrestrial asteroid".

You mean this hasn't happened yet? Actually, I saw him once at E3 several years back. I shit you not, but these big dudes were actually using him to bench press. It was funny but sad at the same time.

Noir Muse said...

You may be right about a womens primary motivation, though I think you ought to add an addendum that includes chocolate.

nongirlfriend said...

It's funny, I don't want a refund or exchange for Vicente.

It's probably because I'm not married to him.

jules said...

I have to agree with the Eye-rack, Eye-ran thingie. Well, hell, with most of your ramblings. And I laughed my ass off at the comment you left on my blog. I needed that...thanks.

NWJR said...

All women are beautiful, but it helps if they have perky breasts.

And I'm lovin' the cell phone idea. Of course, in this nanny state, it's illegal to call from the car, but I still like it. A lot.

Edgy Mama said...

Don't get too comfortable just because you're married. Exchanges are always available.

Though I'm sure you, LBB, are an awesome catch!

tornwordo said...

That last one is gold! Let's start a petition and get it on the ballot!

Janet said...

Once again I find myself laughing- but at the same time- agreeing. You are quite the idea generator. Like a little buddha of the internet.:)

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Hey! You and I had the same idea about Pluto! That's crazy!

I agree with everything you have said today. Very well done!

frozen ananas said...

once upon a time, eye-ran in a park. i got really angry with all the strolling old people on the paths who were in my way. "moosel'em", i said to myself and promptly stubbed my toe on th-ee-rock.

kari said...

I do like the license plate idea! Fabulous!

April said...

Taking away Pluto as a planet just messes up the mnemonic device I learned as a kid.
My
Very
Educated
Mother
Just
Served
Us
Nine
Pickles.

They should mess with that...lol

Dorothy said...

I needed this today. Thank you.

Elaine said...

Having an emergency in your car to get all the lights to turn green is SO TRUE. Glad I'm not the only one that noticed..


A woman wants chocolate and huge dick.

oh.

Just me then?

shpprgrl said...

That cell phone plate...what a concept!

C said...

I believe no matter where you work, if you work your ass off, you'll always be the only one working your ass off.

It's Me, Maven... said...

April, what about

Kings
Play
Chess
On
Fine
Grained
Sand?

MIA said...

We blogged about Pluto on the same day. whoa! Mine is a bit different. I have to move because of it.

Raggedy said...

The last one was hillarious!
I enjoy your posts so much...
I like the way you think and get me thinking...
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

C said...

My emergency is always my son trying to hand me something from his booster seat in the back seat or him insisting on eye contact when we are talking even though he is in the back seat. I have resorted to - eye contact in the rear view mirror but this is still challenging.

Dave Morris said...

I have noticed the traffic light phenomenon - there HAS to be something to it.

As for EE-rock and MOOSE-lum, I've always said it that way to sound sophisticated. Now I see it's just made me sound douchey. :(

Jamie Dawn said...

You are such a funny, intelligent writer!! I always enjoy my visits here, and I even had my brother get online and read your post. He chuckled too!! :-)

I don't like when they pronounce it Mahz-lum.

My MIL was once talking about how she got this great front row seat due to her motorizee scooter, and my hubby said, "Gee, I wish I was handicapped." She was shocked by the comment, and I nearly died when he said it.

Have a nice weekend.

Jenni said...

I admire how you were able to bring the whole "poe-tate-oh"/"poe-tah-toe" argument into present day society.

Bravo!

Gregor said...

Love the license plate idea. Though I'd probably my number listed as the Rejection Hotline.

Leesa said...

I saw this exact post somewhere else...
Unless you have two blogs :)
Great ideas though!

Mr. Scoop said...

I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone when he masturbated.

I believe in Intelligent Design, provided we're all willing to stipulate that our Intelligent Designer was a Fucking Idiot.

I believe that Saddam had WMDs. And I believe in dragons. And in light beer.

I believe I drew mud on that last fart. I gotta go.

Leesa said...

I just realized my comment didn't sound right.
I saw this post somewhere else today, obviously after you have posted it :)
Yeah--that's better.

Anonymous Shannon said...

Preach it, LBB!

We should definitely put the cellphone numbers on the license plates!However, I'll have one helluva cell bill after calling all of these idiots in Houston!

Shoshana said...

Yes LBB, especially the cell phone for license plate. I'd dearly love to tell a few how they drive.

I won't answer mine of course.

exile said...

if it weren't for my ability to decieve and misslead women i'd never get laid...

Rachel Heather said...

LOL on the women :)

Very true though. But what if a woman thinks she is beautiful herself and also thinks she is rare and valuable.

Then a man has A LOT of work to do :)

jali said...

Do any of you really believe that a mere phone call will in any way affect my driving habits? "Nay", I say "hell nay" to all of you. Call me, curse me - I'm still ignoring you! ha-ha!

Becky said...

"License plates should display the driver's cell phone number. That way, you can call them and tell them what an asshole they are in a civilized manner instead of shouting it out the window." Great idea, that way we can call them and tell them to get off the phone when they're driving.... wait....

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Damn! I sure missed coming here.

Glad to see you're still a genius! ;)

Migraine Boy said...

Friggin', brilliant!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Holy shit! License plate cell phone numbers! Perfect....

CaCaBoy said...

I love the license plate idea! Though we should still have a "shock" feature to "zap" them like on the Simpson's

Danke Shane said...

April,

My
Very
Enraged
Mother
Just
Slapped
Unruly
Nuns

works out nicely now, huh?

Eddo said...

I am annoyed by people like you who are so dang funny. Effortlessly funny. My funny takes effort dammit. UNAPPRECIATED EFFORT!

I come here as your grasshopper, I plan to leave as your teacher!

Green Fish said...

This Pluto thing is keeping me up at night. The sheer ARSE of the whole thing. To reach across the solar system and make willy nilly adjustments is just not nice. I already feel enough anxiety regarding the malleability of my own tiny existence, now they're downsizing planets. F them and the celestial horses they rode in on. Pluto will always be a planet to me.