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And now for Thursday's post of random thoughts:
- Many astronomers have argued that Pluto is not a planet, partly because it lacks the mass and gravity to form into a sphere. It's just too small. Consequently, Pluto may loose its planetary status. In a related story, Gary Coleman is in danger of loosing his status as a person and must now describe himself as an “organic terrestrial asteroid.”
- I'm not sure why this is. When I watch political news, I find myself agreeing with people who pronounce Muslim, “MUZZ-lim.” I usually disagree with people who pronounce Muslim, “MOOSE-lem.” Also, I agree with people who pronounce Iran and Iraq, “Eye-RAN” and “Eye-RACK,” and despise those who pronounce these two countries “EE-ron” and “EE-rock.”
- I don't see why handicapped people get the premium parking lots. The way I see it, they're the ones with the motorized wheelchairs. Let them make the longer trip. Here I am trekking across the parking lot in this heat on my own two legs like a sucker. The next time I see a handicapped person riding his way to the Circle-K, I'm jumping on the handlebars of his electric scooter. I had to hike across this whole parking lot thanks to you. You're giving me a ride the rest of the way, grampa.
- Women have two primary motivations: 1) to feel beautiful. 2) to possess something of value and rarity. If you want to attract a woman, you have to make her feel beautiful and you have to convince her that you're something rare and valuable. Then, after you marry her, you can reveal that you're just another average schmuck. Sorry, sugar. No refunds or exchanges on this model.
- If you want to catch all the traffic lights during rush hour, all you have to do is have a pressing issue in your car that requires your undivided attention. I first observed this phenomenon when I needed to double-check some driving directions. I was actually hoping for a red light so I could take my eyes off the road long enough to read my handwritten chicken scrawl. Lo and behold, I caught every goddamn light (miraculous!), failed to read the directions in time, and missed my turn. So make sure you have a small emergency in your car. Any emergency will do. Maybe you've spilled some coffee or need to rummage through a pile of junk in your passenger seat to find your cell phone. Maybe you have a small car fire burning through the floorboard or your victim is trying to escape from the trunk. All of these things require your immediate and undivided attention. So make sure you have an issue like this brewing the next time you hit the ignition and back out of your garage. You'll hit nothing but green lights. Just a tip from me to you.
- License plates should display the driver's cell phone number. That way, you can call them and tell them what an asshole they are in a civilized manner instead of shouting it out the window.