8/08/2006

[Tap, Tap!] Is this thing on?

  • If today's kids are illiterate, how do you explain all the damn text-messaging?
  • Writing is the refuge of would-be musicians who never had the patience to learn an instrument.
  • I figure the gas stations should go ahead and slap a rubber dick around the pump nozzles seems how they're bent on fucking' us in the ass nowadays. Yeah, fill'er up to the prostate with mid-grade on pump 14. I'd ask for a reach-around, but this is self-serve only.
  • I'm surprised we had to invent the wheel. Evolution should have come up with that one. Wheels for legs -- it makes sense to me. In fact, if you examine hips, knees and the lower back, you have to wonder if Evolution called in sick about 5 million years ago and stretched it into a geological-sized 3-day weekend.
  • You know that question on job applications that asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If so, explain.” I always want to write, “Yeah. I killed the last 2 guys who didn't hire me. Out on parole.”
  • I have a squirrel for a friend. One day I told him that I was playing baseball and the ball hit my nuts. He asked me, “You play baseball in your house?”
  • True story: One time my wife was talking to me in the car, and she was talking loudly, and out of habit I reached for the radio knob and turned down the volume.
  • I visited an Einstein Bros. bagel shop the other day. The have a new menu item. The call it a “Mel Gibson Special.” It's a swift-kick-in-the-ass with cream cheese, a medium drink, and a toy dreidel.
  • If the Space Shuttle travels faster than a bullet, then I think we should shape bullets like little space shuttles so they'll go faster. Think of all the little aspiring astronauts we'd have in Compton. Don't make me bust a shuttle in yo ass, bitch. I'll go Neil Armstrong up in this muthafucka.
  • For me, school became a drag once the teacher forced us to give up our pencils and start using ink. For the first time in my life I had to worry about making mistakes. But then a few years later the girls started growing boobs and school became fun again.

57 comments:

Fathairybastard said...

Mmmm, boobs.

Leesa said...

Rubber Dicks at the gas pump.... I love it :)

Latigo Flint said...

I adore you. I've just tattooed the one about the squirrel onto my inner thigh. I had to abbreviate a few things though, the pain actually became quite severe.

(It reads, "I ha-")

Peter said...

From pencils to boobs in just a few years!!

flea said...

dang man you have a squirrel for a friend!? Geez, you know the coolest people!

pps, i'm still laughing over the ass fucking at the gas pumps....

Sharon said...

gas pumps. You're a riot!

Becky said...

I visited an Einstein Bros. bagel shop the other day. The have a new menu item. The call it a “Mel Gibson Special.” It's a swift-kick-in-the-ass with cream cheese, a medium drink, and a toy dreidel.

I love Einstein Bagels!

p.s. Boobs are the best, they make anything worth watching!

Violet said...

You missed the correlation between your first and last post. Kids text message for two reasons: they don't want to use pens and texting allows them to chance to see some titties.

frozen ananas said...

ur mistkn, txt msgs not proof of litrcy. sori pal.

tornwordo said...

I like what you did to your wife. Priceless. (I'm sure this endeared you to her forever, too)

Oh great One said...

I don't know. I've seen some pretty bad writing from recent high school graduates. Dropped letters all over the place. It's hard for an old lady like me to figure that crap out!

Bryan Peters said...

Dude, kids ARE illiterate. Ever look at MySpace comments?

UR 2 fnNy!

Heart Of Darkness said...

"Have you ever been convicted of a crime - if so, explain". I usually go for "yes" here. The explanation? "I don't know. I had some drinks, then somebody bothered me and I started to hit him and the next thing I remember, I'm in a ditch someplace with a bloody body of some dead guy next to me and the police all with their guns pointing at me... call them for an explanation!"

Yeah, didn't get that job.

NYCbeauty said...

My bf is a musician and he calls himself the "real" writer between the two of us. Sigh.

Heidi the Hick said...

I was too embarrassed to learn how to sing properly (slightly pitch deficient) and too impatient to learn more than six chords. Although Jethro tells me that I already know twice as many chords as the average punk guitarist.

But now I'm too old so I'll just blog instead!!!!!!!

Heidi the Hick said...

Also the squirrel thing. Listen. Please find a new crowd to hang with. They're disease infested varmints, they're thieving sneaks. they aren't cute close up. Don't you know any nice dirty cowboys to hang aroudn with? Just sayin...

It's Me, Maven... said...

1. Have you SEEN their texts? Haxor doesn't = literate.
2. Amen!
3. Add to that, lubricant and a kiss, too.
4. ...
5. I prefer the "Sex" box; I'd love to put "Innie."
6. Squirrels are good eatin'...
7. I think the Melvin Gibstein Special should be double peanut butter, so he STFU.
8. :)
9. Boobs=Fun

I learned a lot here today, Mr. Bugsbutt:)

Miss Cellania said...

Kids ARE illiterate. Have you ever tried to READ one of the text messages they send?

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

The last two parts were absolutely genius! Very, very good brother!

Attila The Mom said...

Yikes, have you seen some of those text messages? I'm with Frozen ananas. LOL

Elaine said...

These are GEMS I tell ya!

Rubber dicks at the gas pumps (SO TRUE!)
Evolution taking a vacation (Carrot Top is evidence of this as well)
Turning down the volume on your wife...
BAWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

OH and everyone is right, text messages look something like this:

"LOL I 8 ur grlfrnd n scrwd yo momma"

djmetronome said...

"Writing is the refuge of would-be musicians..."

Oh my god...(sorry, OMG)...A Truer statement I've never seen. This could be the gospel in the church of me...Bravo!

NeverEnough said...

Sometimes I can't help but love you :)

Webmiztris said...

sometimes I wish that using the radio knob to turn down the volume on my mother would be pretty nice...lol

mckay said...

i have to stop using the Urban Dictionary after reading your posts...

Carrie said...

How do you come up with all this stuff? High-freaking-larious!!!! :)

jali said...

Sniff.

Flat chested chicks just aren't appreciated in some places. Look at the first comment. What about the boobettes - the mini-me's of breasts?

Memphis Steve said...

If not for girls with boobs most boys would quit school at 14. Instead, it's like a recruiting poster, only with orgasms.

Spinning Girl said...

School became a drag the day I started getting grades instead of checkmarks under 'progressing nicely."

luckysevn said...

I had to quit half way through... started laughing too hard... NOT GOOD two days after a C-section... OUCH!!!! :-)

Janet said...

You know what's funny about the whole pen thing? It's such a grass is greener mentality cause the kids spend SO MUCH time wishing they could write in pen only to realize it's overrated, just like everything else.

This lesson has been brought you to by "Be Careful What You Wish For" programming.:)

jules said...

Have you ever read a teenager's text message? It is not in English!

Suzanne said...

kids don't talk anymore. They just type. i'm not sure they know how to communicate any other way these days....

CaCaBoy said...

Mmmmmm.........Boobies!

I started hating school when I realized that everyone in my class was retarded, and I had been in Special Ed all those years!! First, in my class! Of course I was first! I was the only one that could spell his name on the chalkboard without drooling on the erasers!

MKD said...

Because they text things like: txt me l*tr B4 u go out w ppl. ttyl.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I have one question that I have been meaning to ask you...

If there are so many damn starving kids in China, why are all of the Chinese restaurants "all you can eat buttets?"

How hard is it to open a Chinese food restaurant in China for petes sake?!?

Blogarita said...

I was thinking the same as djmetronome, almost verbatim. As much as I wish I could write better, I also wish I could sing or play an instrument.

Ego's Alter said...

OMG dude..that is hillarious! Longtime lurker, first time commenter!

Frap Gurl said...

I do have a squirrel for a friend.. Pic of him on my blog.. Feeding him peanuts.. ehemm..

Kids are illiterate... example of a text.. U R 2 kewl....

I have tried to mute my kids! I wish i could copy and paste everything!

Bennet said...

I agree with Candi...Kids are still illiterate...LOL, ROTFL..urgh..

Now if we're gonna make the pump nozzels into dicks we'd need to go all the way, and make anal ports then demand outlawing gas pumping in the red states because it's obscene.

nongirlfriend said...

School WAS better once the hormones started raging.

Nölff said...

OMG guys LOL. OMGWTFBBQ

Nölff said...

wait.... OMG I forgot about dots...... here's some dots for you LBB...... OMG LOL.............. More dots ................ less paragraphs....................... OMGWTFDOTS.................................... LOL

asianpixie said...

Boobs rule.
Locker room days are missed.

JJ said...

Went out yesterday with the kid who came with me to work...she spotted a tee-shirt with a squirrel & his acorns that read "Stop looking at my nuts." Her eyes got as big as saucers.

Molicious said...

I find the happening with your wife hilarious. But had it been my husband I probably would have smacked him on the junk.

Softball Slut said...

As usual you are farking hilarious

Dorothy said...

I appreciate your wit. Thanks for sharing. BH just about peed in his post toastees though. I think he was feeling you on the pencils bit.

poopie said...

Aww man..you SO did not turn down your wife's volume!

As always... Rachael said...

You left out the part about your wife slapping you upside the head, I presume?

Miss Understanding said...

The more I read, the more I am convinced! You are BRILLIANT!

Go Neil Armstrong... Good Shitake!

Aisha T. said...

Boobs and rubber dicks--what the hell blog am I at *grin* Very amusing and fun.

Amandarama said...

Children can text message all they want. It doesn't mean they can actually read or write. That's why they use phrases like "I h8 U! U R teh sux0r!!!"

Children who make the mistake of not editing that style out of their book reports to me find themselves in a week long remedial detention.

Sudiegirl said...

I like #2 (being a musician myself) and #5.

You always have the greatest lists of this nature...

have a good 'un!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Awwww, I love squirrels.

They taste just like chicken...:)

Dave Morris said...

One of the more popular sex toys for females is called The Bullet. Will they have to start calling it The Shuttle? Will it lose tiles on "re-entry?"

Beth said...

Wouldn't it be nice if we actually could turn down the volume on people we'd rather not hear?