8/18/2006

This and that

  • Today I put Shindler's List in my Netflix queue, or as Mel Gibson calls it, “The feel-good movie of 1993.”
  • If something is “neither here nor there,” then where the fuck is it?
  • Lots of dogs chase cars. I had a dog that was so smart, she could hail a cab. But she was never so clever she could pull off paying the cabbie in “doggy dollars.” Nice try, Corky. Shahid needs $19.70.


Nudist Airways

Nudist colonies should establish themselves within the airlines industry. Think how practical that would be. In an environment where hair gel arouses suspicion, nudity would facilitate security. Nudists could get their yearning for nakedness out of their system during the flight, instead of some remote, mosquito-infested nudist compound. You have to admit that a planeful of naked people adds levity to an otherwise frustrating flight. And think of the advantages. You could dismiss the X-ray scanner people. They could return to their old jobs of cleaning Slurpee machines at the 7/11. The problems would be every third guy gesturing to his junk and asking the poor ticket counter girl, “Can I check this as carry-on, because I doubt it will fit in the overhead compartment.” Also, stewardesses would have to put up with the inevitable “As you can see, I already have a sack of nuts.” Some ladies might even try to get in on the act: “I have two flotation devices right here.” Everybody's a fuckin' comedian. You know?


End Racism NOW

I have a plan to end racism and all the bickering that goes along with it. From now on, whenever a woman is pregnant, the OBGYN will shoot some food coloring up the birth canal. We'll make babies all the colors of the rainbow. We'll make so many people so many different damn colors that charges of “racism” will ring hollow. We'll have Blue-Americans, Orange-Americans, Mauve-Americans. We'll be too confused and exhausted to keep track of who the victims are! Everybody will be a victim, so nobody will be a victim. And being green or purple wouldn't be so bad. Remember all those hot, colorful alien chicks on Star Trek? Who wouldn't want to date them? Imagine a nice big, green-colored Beyonce. Yum! Or for you ladies, how about a purple-colored David Hasselhoff?


And Don't Forget...

It's Here!
Fireflies in the Meadow
by Alpha Johnson

Now you can read Lightning Bug's Butt anywhere. This book has over 120 pages of easy-to-read print, featuring a year's worth of Lighting Bug's Butt posts and some never-before published material.

If you like what you read, you can take this book to bed with you (try doing that with your laptop!). If you hate it, you have a book to fling across the room (again, try that with your laptop). Or you can rip out the satin-smooth pages and use them for bathroom tissue.

Give a copy as a gift to someone special. Stuff one under the leg of a wobbly coffee table. Keep one near the crapper. Wield it to kill household insects. Or kindle your fireplace. Hand one into your professor as your doctoral thesis. Read it with your lover as a therapeutic sex aide. Make it the religious text of the new cult you're founding. Get it for whatever reason you please. Just get your copy today!

47 comments:

Tense Teacher said...

Hasselhoff? Is that the best you could do? *shuddering* Now a green Johnny Depp, that's one I could definitely go for...

Laurie said...

I'd like a blue Julian McMahon, please.

With whipped cream.

Oh....and you are insane.

Good quality.

Tug said...

I'll have a red Johnny-to-go!


Funny shit, but have you SEEN some of the fat-ass business men that fly these days? ewwwww.

KB said...

You do realize that I have to get this for my mother, right?

I mean, if she found out it existed, and I didn't tell her--she'd make sure that I paid dearly.

As for Nudist Airlines. Ummm, I'm already fearful of flying--do you need to compound that fear by being a "free the wiener" proponent?

Heidi the Hick said...

ha ha ha, Melvin Gibstein.

Yeah and you know damn well I'll take the Johnny any colour available.

As for the nudist airlines...we'd never be able to fly anywhere ever again with what Jethro's packin. (He only uses his powers for good rather than evil though.)

Heidi the Hick said...

Also I admire your self promotion. I really do! Let me get my credit card paid down. And then that book will be mine. OH yes. It will be mine.

Fathairybastard said...

The whole nudist thing has merit. Twisted and unsightly, but it might work. Until, that is, some fuzzy wuzzy gets his fuzzy wife to shave, shed her smelly burqa and have liquid explosive breast implants installed. You'd be tryin' not to get caught ogling her gargantuan pendulocity. Then you'd see Akhmed beginning to aggressively feel her up. You think to yourself, here's another nudist whose gone off the chain, but he's really looking for the trigger devise. Like cracking and shaking a chem light, he'd have to work those dinners pretty hard to set them off, and suddenly there'd be a brilliant flash. We're back to square one.

honkeie2 said...

how does someone go about putting thier blog in book?

Miss Cellania said...

I guess you hadn't heard about Naked Air. You should read my site more often.

Riss said...

I am still giggling over the here nor there thing.

I will most definitely pick up your book!

tornwordo said...

I dunno. Have you seen the attendees of a nudist colony? Not pretty.

I want to buy your book to support you. I'm just waiting for the want to turn to action;)

keda said...

neither here nor there.. easy its up the nethers.

nudist flights? mm yeah ok but they'd have to get rid of those leather or velour seats.. ich sticky.

and the book.. fabulous! shame i have such an aversion to online shopping.. but i'll try to make an exception this time. i will. i'll try. deap breaths..

C said...

I am sure some cavity probing would have to go on because as you well know some those Islamic people hate everything Americans stands for. If they are willing to die for their beliefs I am sure they would stuff a large piece of TNT up their ass and die for their belief butt naked.

Paul said...

I hate blue Americans. If I ever opened a golf course, NO BLUES!

Violet said...

think how easy it would be to join the mile high club???

hell, yeah!

mist1 said...

Love the idea of nudist airlines, but one of the major draws to nudist communities is volleyball. Everyone knows that. Clearly you can not play volleyball on a plane, so what will attract the nudies?

Jordan said...

I'm already declaring war on all purple Americans before there are purple Americans.. you heard it here first. I'm having Barney flashbacks.

I wonder if Naked Airlines (NA) will provide vomit bags located directly above your seat.. forget the air.

Elaine said...

I would like a purple Matthew McConaughey with a side of blue Angelina Jolie.
Tasty.

But damn those Green Americans...they're all a bunch of sex deviants.

(see the "colorism" starts already..you just can't fix it LBB)

Webmiztris said...

now, wait a minute...

ladies like David Hasselhoff?

Jon Cox said...

Haha, AWESOME POST!!!!

Ego's Alter said...

You know, you're not the first blogger I've read this week who's suggested the nudist thing to make travel safer. Is this what we've come to! LOL

April said...

David Hasselhoff?

Ummm...

No, thanks.

Shoshana said...

I do believe you have a great point for the nudity in the airport.

what do we do with people of size? Would they be comfortable with the nude thing? Would we even want to look at them?

But we're all made of God's image, therefore, everyone is beautiful, right?

Right!

Wasn't the correct phrase "Germans love David Hasselhoff"?

djmetronome said...

Nudist airlines:...the problem lies in....those seats are "booty sweat" infested...and I dont roll like that.

jules said...

You get more twisted every day. I'd blame it on the Jim Beam, but I think you're just plain warped.

NWJR said...

John Waters once noted, "the people at a nude beach are never the people you want to see at a nude beach." I think segregating them on a plane is a fine idea.

David Hasselhoff is a GOD in Germany. Go figure. I still can't explain his career.

CP said...

Why?

CP.

Edgy Mama said...

Yuck to the Nudist Airlines! Would you want to sit on those seats later?

Okay, okay, the big doggie eyes, the empty fifth...okay, okay...

Becky said...

Just reading the letters OBGYN, makes me cringe!

Raggedy said...

Hahahahaha!
Great post!
Thanks..
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

MIA said...

great idea, for those concerned about "booty sweat" the airlines could install the paper seat covers and for the timid, paper panties or boxers once on board.

Dave Morris said...

I thought Hasselhoff WAS a space alien.

On a nudist flight, I'd say more than just tray tables would be in an "upright position." I just had to go there.

mcBlogger said...

I've always been fond of Chartreuse. Great colour!

Blonde Vigilante said...

Yes, let's dye babies...that will surely solve the worlds problems. I thinking sucking on a tit would work a whole hell of a lot better.

Barry S. said...

LBB, that Nudist Airways post was perhaps one of your best. I would love to see that.

The closest I came to a nudist colony was peeping over the egde at Black's Beach in San Diego, and all I saw was a bunch of fat guys playing volleyball.

jali said...

The dying thing sounds good except that the really rich fucks would have designer colored babies and the unprepared poor people like me would have to accept FD&C yellow #6 or whatever was leftover.

I'm in an argument with the ignorant WAMU and will make my purchase as soon as it's resolved. Promise!

Jess said...

you're a pretty good writer.


but it also looks like you advocate drinking.




...good thing i'm not a conservative christian, or i'd have a problem with that.

Scottsdale Girl said...

"people of size" now THAT is some funny shit right there.

LBB - i bought DOS of your books

Yer welcome

Anonymous said...

My good friend Shahid. What a tribute!

Crashdummie said...

Hmmm, dunno if I can get your book here at Far Side...

Oh great One said...

David Hasselhoff? Really LBB. You get Beyonce and we get stuck with him? That's just not nice.

frozen ananas said...

do passengers get nekked on the way to the airport or should they just wear old clothes that they discard after the xray machines? *perplexed*

Softball Slut said...

I am so hasseling your Hoff. EWWWWW The only Hoff I want if an asleep one. He will live in in infamouy (sp) on YouTube.

Leonardo DiCaprio? Yesh I will take him 6 ways from sunday, please, naked please he can sit next to me on the plane

Softball Slut said...

And Elaine? I totally agree with you

Carrie said...

You are my hero. The nudist flight comments had me rolling, but I love the idea of rainbow americans. :) HAHAHAHA

Toni said...

Forget blue Americans, green Americans- what about PLAID Americans? Or polka-dotted ones? Now THAT's diversity for ya!

Bennet said...

Fireflies In The Meadow..heheheh..

Sounds so pretty. Very cleverly deceptive.