Have you ever seen those avalanche movies where the hikers have to be quiet and not make any loud noises or else they'll start an avalanche? I think the worst possible hiking partner in a situation like that would be that big-mouth Rosanne Barr. Imagine yourself cowering in a mountain niche, desperately coaxing Rosanne to stop shooting her mouth off, while kilotons of fragmented earth creek and teeter above. Shut it, Rosanne! Even if she could manage to shut the hell up for five minutes, I think the rocks and boulders and snow would all decide to start tumbling anyway, if they saw a chance to hit her. And the poor bastard she was with would just have to be “collateral damage.”
I wonder why once in a while I have to add air to my car tires. Where did the original air go? The tires don't have a leak. If they had a leak, I'd have a flat. Somehow the air magically disappears. A mechanic told me that in fact air molecules slip through the rubber over time. Well if that's true, then shouldn't air molecules seep back into the tire? I think the mechanic's theory is bunk. If it were true, then theoretically, you could hold back a fart and eventually it would disappear. We all know THAT'S not true! You try to hold those suckers back, they just get pissed off and come back stronger and meaner.
When I was a kid, every night at dinner my parents told me “Finish everything on the plate. There are kids starving in China.” Now that I'm an adult, I read that there's 1.2 billion Chinese people. How can that be? Shouldn't they all be dead of starvation? And you know what else? If the Chinese are starving, where do they get the ingredients to make all those egg rolls? Here's another thing. I've eaten a lot of fortune cookies, but not one of them ever read, “You're going to starve to death.” You'd think they'd put a few of those in circulation given so many Chinese kids are starving and whatnot. But I just thought of something. When the wife needs an excuse not to have sex with her husband, she can always say, “Not tonight, George. There are 700 million kids in China. We shouldn't risk making another.”