Three vignettes


Have you ever seen those avalanche movies where the hikers have to be quiet and not make any loud noises or else they'll start an avalanche? I think the worst possible hiking partner in a situation like that would be that big-mouth Rosanne Barr. Imagine yourself cowering in a mountain niche, desperately coaxing Rosanne to stop shooting her mouth off, while kilotons of fragmented earth creek and teeter above. Shut it, Rosanne! Even if she could manage to shut the hell up for five minutes, I think the rocks and boulders and snow would all decide to start tumbling anyway, if they saw a chance to hit her. And the poor bastard she was with would just have to be “collateral damage.”

The air in there

I wonder why once in a while I have to add air to my car tires. Where did the original air go? The tires don't have a leak. If they had a leak, I'd have a flat. Somehow the air magically disappears. A mechanic told me that in fact air molecules slip through the rubber over time. Well if that's true, then shouldn't air molecules seep back into the tire? I think the mechanic's theory is bunk. If it were true, then theoretically, you could hold back a fart and eventually it would disappear. We all know THAT'S not true! You try to hold those suckers back, they just get pissed off and come back stronger and meaner.

Me Chinese, me make joke...

When I was a kid, every night at dinner my parents told me “Finish everything on the plate. There are kids starving in China. Now that I'm an adult, I read that there's 1.2 billion Chinese people. How can that be? Shouldn't they all be dead of starvation? And you know what else? If the Chinese are starving, where do they get the ingredients to make all those egg rolls? Here's another thing. I've eaten a lot of fortune cookies, but not one of them ever read, “You're going to starve to death.” You'd think they'd put a few of those in circulation given so many Chinese kids are starving and whatnot. But I just thought of something. When the wife needs an excuse not to have sex with her husband, she can always say, “Not tonight, George. There are 700 million kids in China. We shouldn't risk making another.”


tornwordo said...

Encouraging kids to eat through guilt. How healthy!

I think I held back a fart once so long that I belched it out. I swear.

Mr. Friendly said...

I hate being the geek but the pressure in a tire that lost some air is still greater than the pressure outside the tire. Thus, the grease monkey was correct. The air molecules do pass through the tire.


Well >The Phoenix is out of commission, so someone has to pick up the slack.

jules said...

My mom used the same "China" thing. I always told her to box it up and send it to them...especially the liver and brussel sprouts. I think I need therapy for being made to eat those.

Migraine Boy said...

I think Roseanne has her own gravity that would draw large objects like rocks and boulders toward her. As evidence, she attracted Tom Arnold.

C said...

What are the chances your kid would turn out to be Chinese. Just kidding. I know what she meant but I had to say that. I once ate at a Chinese restaurant my fortune cookie was empty - my friend, on the other, got two fortunes... I was like what the F***. Damn... that's just wrong.

Miss Cellania said...

My kid is Chinese, what ARE the odds?

Someone once asked what the parents in China told their kids to get them to eat. They said they told them to think about the starving kids in India. So now I have one from China and one from India, and I just let them not eat if they don't want to, and they are the only kids in their classes who aren't fat.

Odat said...

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Amandarama said...

About the only good thing about being trapped with Roseann Barr in an avalanche would be that you could cut her open and huddle inside her still steaming corpse for warmth while you waited for help. You could stay warm for days.

JJ said...

My parents used kids in Africa. Then "The Gods Must Be Crazy" came out. I learned they have Coca-Cola over there. Who knew!

Violet said...

Yeah, I've always thought that osmosis thing was a bunch of crap.

Raggedy said...

I heard the children all over the world are starving so eat up when I was a child.
Congratulations on your book!
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Anonymous said...

Yeah. I know all about that theory "no leaks, must still be full" because I thought the same thing would be true of OIL when I had my '69 Mustang Fastback. The motor ceased at 2 in the morning on a lonely overpass ... and so did a teensy piece o' my heart.


LaunderLust said...

My mom always said the starving kids were in INDIA and I just thought, "Wow, they must be some stupid kids in India. Why don't they just ask their mom for a cookie?"

Then again, I also thought that teachers were parent-manufactured robots that slept in our lockers. I used to try to keep my locker really neat in case Mrs. Holmes slept in it. Then she moved to Michigan and my locker went to hell and I was gay.

mcBlogger said...

Maybe we should feel sorry for Rosanne, perhaps she has a mental illness, like Tourettes. There's an affliction I'd hate to have on an avalanche prone mountain.

mcBlogger said...

Maybe we should feel sorry for Rosanne, perhaps she has a mental illness, like Tourettes. There's an affliction I'd hate to have on an avalanche prone mountain.

Leesa said...

I always wondered about the tires too ;)

jali said...

I have to go check my tires now.

I hate it when TV sitcom families eat Chinese food directly from the containers with chopsticks - ! No plates? Why don't they share..and use plates?

Evydense said...

I guess every parent used that line by the sounds of things. Our version was India. I always wondered why the kids didn't just eat each other, and cut down the rate twice as fast.

djn said...

Not China -- it's Africa!

NWJR said...

I once had dinner with a guy who left some food on his plate, and another person gave him the "starving children in Africa" mantra. His response: "Give me an envelope and postage, and I'll mail it to them."

Yay him!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Ok so was my mom the only one who said Ethiopia?

Malnurtured Snay said...

I hope I don't "Starve to Death [in bed.]" That would suck ...

... but be comfortable.

Memphis Steve said...

It's the damned Chinese that are stealing the air from our tires!

Becky said...

I wouldn't want to go anywhere with Roseanne, let alone climbing a mountain. Then again, I might pay to see her climb a mountain.

Carrie said...

I got Ethiopia. :P

I believe fortune cookies are an American thing which would explain why those poor starving children had no fair warning that even after they ate their dinner they'd be hungry again in 30 minutes. :)

WanderingGirl said...

Stuff like that is why I can totally blame my parents for being fat. They should have put the extra food in a box and sent it to some of those starving kids. Maybe I'd be a supermodel. Gheesh.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

That third one was hilarious and seriously thought provoking at the same time! Good one, brother!

Barry S. said...

I have also wondered about the fortune cookie thing. If I were in charge, I would throw a few "You will get fatter and uglier as time progresses" or "There is a good chance your old lady is playing hide the salami with that Mexican landscaper next door" in the fortune cookie mix.

A dose of reality may help more in the long run!

Fathairybastard said...

Now the thing is, "Sit down and do yer homework. There are kids in China and India who want your job."

... and I doubt Roseanne climbs a lot of mountains. Pays people to do that for her.

Saw a picture once of a person reading a fortune cookie, with an emptied plate behind it. The fortune read "that wasn't chicken."

Peter said...

Maybe Rosanne sneaks around and sits in your car BF, forcing the air molecules out under enormous pressure?

Blogarita said...

In a family with six kids and one income, the only starving kids we cared about were ourselves!

Crashdummie said...

Somehow you always seem to amaze me with these weird thoughts that keep running through your head.

Trust me, that's a huge accomplishment!

Webmiztris said...

I have to disagree. I can hold back a fart and it really does just seem to disappear. Don't be upset that you can't do it though. It takes years of practice. It's an art form really. ;D

randommoments said...

When my mom would tell me this (at the age when sarcasm was being learned from my great father) I would tell her "Yeah mom. And the mothers in China are telling their kids 'There are starving kids in America.' There are starving kids everywhere, geez."

I love the fart reference. I have a request -- how about a blurb about farting in your sleep?

This is a challenge. :)

nongirlfriend said...

I would love to see a fortune cookie message like that!

kari said...

I stopped holding back my farts a looonnng time ago. These days, I just let 'em rip!

Softball Slut said...

I am totally going to use the 700 Million kids in china excuse next time. I hope it worx. and I stopped holding my farts in. Makes my tummy hurt and then I just get mean. So for everyone else's sake I just let it out, you only have a few seconds of discomfort then (unless I ate chinese food or Mr Gattis pizza) rather then my being a bitch cause my tummy hurts

Video X said...

I can hold farts in. It just makes me cry...when i'm in breckenridge anyway...that altitude does all kinds of nasty crap to my digestive parts.

poopie said...

I blame the Muslims..profile that!

Dave Morris said...

You want an expert on holding back farts? Ask any woman. I don't see how they manage to hold that much freakin' gas. No woman I've ever been with farts with any regularity around me.

It's no wonder a woman's ass is the first thing to grow - the air molecules are seeping directly from the colon into the fatty tissue...

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