9/15/2006

More rejects

Here are some more rejects. It's the last batch. I promise.

Car maintenance and personal hygiene


My car demands too much attention. I have to check the mileage, the tire pressure, the fluid levels, the filters. I have to change the oil every 3000 miles, rotate the tires, tune up the engine, check it for a hernia, and several other maintenance tasks. Plus, I have to wash and wax the damn thing. They call them automobiles, but they don't do anything automatically! A newborn baby isn't as demanding as a Buick.

I should take care of my own body as well as my car. I'm still trying to floss my teeth on a regular basis. Oil changes every three months? I have laundry in my hamper that hasn't been washed in 3 months! My car is going to have to toughen up and use the oil it already has.

My car has a digital compass. What good is knowing which way is north when you're completely fucking lost? It gives you a sense of control over chaos, I guess. My car also has a navigation system that talks. If I ever get so lost that I need to ask my car where we're going, than I'm going to ask which way to the nearest cliff so I can drive off of it. Guess what, North Star. We're heading over a cliff. I'm going to jump out at the last second and then call my insurance company. What are your plans? Or maybe I'll ask North Star where's the closest topless bar. North Star, is Mandy Mountains working the night shift this evening at the Jug Shack?


Expressing yourself

Whenever someone wants to describe the sex act delicately, they use the term "expressing yourself sexually" or "expressing your sexuality." These terms soften the blow.

Screw that. When I'm eating, I'm not "expressing my hunger." I'm eating! When I'm drinking, I'm not "expressing my thirstiness." I'm drinking diet soda. And when somebody's "expressing their sexuality," it means they're fucking. Balls on these sex-ed teachers. They'll pull a condom over a piece of fruit without flinching, but they shy away from a word.



Dreadmills

I enjoy exercise. But I'll never understand the treadmill. Who subjects himself to this torture voluntarily? What must he be thinking? “You know, I want the mind-bending tedium and joint trauma of a long jog, but I'd rather forgo the pleasant weather and beautiful scenery that accompanies an outdoor run. I think I'll jump on the treadmill. Running without any recreational component whatsoever -- that's what I'm after. I can pound my heels, sweat and stare at my bedroom wall for 40 minutes.”



Give paint a chance

We should fight wars with paint ball guns. Follow me on this. Let's say two countries have to go to war. They would both agree to paint ball warfare -- understanding that what one can do with paint balls, one could do with bullets. Therefore, if a country lost at paint ball, it would lose a conventional war with real bullets, too, and they'd have no reason to fight.

We could restock all our conventional weaponry with paint: paint bullets, paint bombs, paint artillery, paint tanks, even paint grenades. Instead of killing each other, we'd just leave a sharp sting, a fluorescent splash of orange and an acute loss of dignity. We could look forward to conflicts, because going to war would be fun.

We could even go to war with countries that aren't a threat, just a pain in the ass. Imagine invading France with 9 divisions of soldiers armed with paint ball guns. Blow the freggin' croissants right out of their snooty hands. I'm going to coat that limp wrist of yours in purple paint, Pierre.

Also, the losing country has to pay the winner's cleaning bills.



What the fizz?

If you're like me, when pouring soda into a glass, you become impatient and pour too much, too fast. I'm nothing if not a man of etiquette. So here's my question: do you look like less of a fool if you dive into the foam head and try to suck it down to prevent overflow, or if you let nature take its course and let Dr. Pepper foam over the cup and all over the table? I guess either way it's a crap sandwich. I'll just have to learn to be more patient.



Available in your frozen food section

I usually shop while hungry and hunger turns me into a simpleton. The frozen food section at the grocery store often makes me its dupe. Inasmuch as the stripper on the pole can be my girlfriend if I just keep slipping dollar bills in her underwear, the $4 Hungry Man Turkey and Giblets will taste as good as it looks on the box. Wishful thinking.

How about those pictures they put on the TV dinner box? Look at those delicious entrees! The sight of that stuff would moisten Julia Child's biscuit. Look at that marinated pork loin! Did Emeril take a job at Swanson's?

Then you cook that little number up in the microwave. Burn your fingers and cuss while peeling the plastic wrap from the tray, and get ready for... disappointment. Somehow, flash-freezing turned your salisbury steak into a warmed-over buffalo chip! How about those painted-on grill marks. Yeah, I'm sure Earl cooked this steak over an open-flame barbecue at the factory. More likely somebody took a rejected slab of grade-D beef and ran a Sharpie Marker over it a few times. Nice try, Swanson's!

The picture on the box depicts a best-possible-scenario frozen dinner. What you usually get is a semblance of what you thought you were buying. I think they call them TV dinners because you're better off paying attention to the TV than to what you're eating.

Bon appetite, dipshit consumer.


And Don't Forget...

It's Here!
Fireflies in the Meadow
by Alpha Johnson

Now you can read Lightning Bug's Butt anywhere. This book has over 120 pages of easy-to-read print, featuring a year's worth of Lighting Bug's Butt posts and some never-before published material.

If you like what you read, you can take this book to bed with you (try doing that with your laptop!). If you hate it, you have a book to fling across the room (again, try that with your laptop). Or you can rip out the satin-smooth pages and use them for bathroom tissue.

Give a copy as a gift to someone special. Stuff one under the leg of a wobbly coffee table. Keep one near the crapper. Wield it to kill household insects. Or kindle your fireplace. Hand one into your professor as your doctoral thesis. Read it with your lover as a therapeutic sex aide. Make it the religious text of the new cult you're founding. Get it for whatever reason you please. Just get your copy today!

33 comments:

MIA said...

Are you really that hot as in the picture?

Raggedy said...

Please not the last!
I love the rejects they are awesome!
Great post!
I hope you find more rejects...
Love the picure!
Is that picture in the book?
Can we get autographed copies?

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Cool Raggedy one

Peter said...

I like your brand of reject too Bugs, it's better than most other first choice stuff.

tornwordo said...

lol at Julia's moistened biscuit. And so true about the treadmills!

Miss Cellania said...

I agree about the treadmills. I don't mind walking, but I'd like to GET somewhere!

nongirlfriend said...

That book has improved my sex life! Thank you, Bug's Butt!

Heidi the Hick said...

Y'know, I think you're totally onto something with the paint ball wars as alternative to real wars. I think that's brilliant.

Of course, being Mennonite I also think we can achieve world peace with potato salad and apple pie. Plus being a metal head, I believe that world peace can be had by all bobbing our heads and howling at the same time. so maybe I can't be trusted.

I'll take your rejects any day. Have a good weekend, I must go wash my plaid shirt collection!

shpprgrl said...

You're right the food never looks like that. My cakes never look like what's on the Betty Crocker box either. Mine are more Betty Crocker gone wild. :)

NWJR said...

"The sight of that stuff would moisten Julia Child's biscuit."

Well, there's tonight's nightmare...

jules said...

I love the paintball war idea. Oh, and I'm ALWAYS fucking...never expressing myself sexually. Stupid idiots!

C said...

Laundry that has not been washed in 3 months - gack - throw it away.

mist1 said...

Please, please floss.

Shoshana said...

Noting works better than a treadmill in melting off those unwanted fats.

It must be the jiggling the unwanted fats get as I pound my way through 5 to 6.5 mph.

I'll take the treadmill with a good audio book.

rachel said...

Oooooh hot pic, and jim beam as well. My perfect guy

Dave Morris said...

Banquet, Swanson, etc. are allowed to stay in business because of the TV dinner lobbyists in DC. Otherwise, they'd be shut down for false advertising.

I love when the peas escape over the wall into the apple crisp and make a sort of veggie dessert.

Violet said...

Yeah, but if I run on a treadmill, nobody can see how stupid I look and how slow I am... It is a pride sort of thing.

jordan said...

"The picture on the box depicts a best-possible-scenario frozen dinner"

haha,they should put THAT on the front of the box, with an asterisk before it

Linda said...

I stick my finger in the soda when it's fizzing over - cuts the fizz...don't ask me why. I thought I was stupid for doing it, but caught several other people doing it at fast food restaurants. A MUST when waiting for the foam to go down on the diet cola....

If these are rejects, I'll bet the rest is AWESOME.

and the "best-case scenario" ought to be a disclaimer on the front of the box....

phlegmfatale said...

You were just raving about how your Toyota so rocks, but here you are griping about maintenance. *L* Then again, consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.
I'm with you on the treadmill - talk about torture!

poopie said...

I have to ask...did you take your Prozac today?

Fathairybastard said...

Mmmm, sales must be slow. Have a stairmaster I never use. Large modern sculpture in the living room. Worst waste of money I ever spent. And the paint ball thing won't work. Imagine any country or group deciding to quit the Jihad because they lost a paintball match. Imagine.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
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MIA said...

Just like a picture on a frozen dinner... people aren't always as they seem either........

Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

jali said...

Your rejects are great IMHO. Why are they rejects?

I love the book from the first page - nope from the dedication when you give love to your readers. You're a sweetheart.

randommoments said...

I see someone has already commented about the finger-in-the-fizz trick. Just be sure your fingers are, eh hmm, clean.

The thing about those dinners -- something that takes hours to create on Thanksgiving like turkey and stuffing, can't possibly be good sitting in the freezer and reheated in a microwave... however, those mexican dinners are the only ones I trust. Its really hard to funk up mexican food.

Jenni said...

First of all, buy a BMW...they only need their oil changed every 15,000 miles.

Secondly, I used to be a treadmill addict. I would run and run and run on that damn thing until my body couldn't sweat anymore and my eyes could no longer keep up with the closed captioning at the gym due to extreme exhaustion.

Yeah, I may have had a problem.

Thirdly, my Grandma's name was Alpha...which I find it interesting that there is someone else out there with the same name.

In fact, I thought she was the ONLY one in the entire history of God's green earth to be named "Alpha."

No offense.

Seriously, she was a great lady and I miss her more than anything.



I guess I was wrong.

Migraine Boy said...

Mandy Mountains only works the night shift on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

MIA said...

CHALLENGE: write about the perils of dating... huh go ahead, I dare ya. Let's see internet dating site Hmmmmm, oh I know Snatch.com.. Catchy don't cha think? I've got seed money

Bennet said...

Excellent LBB.
I hope that does well.

I'm thinking of cleaning up my blog. My constant dirty humor, and BSG posts have successsfully scared away 95% of my female readers. Then where the women go away, the men follow.

There are only so many pee, penis, naked woman, and poop jokes I can do apparently. It's depressing, sorry.

mcBlogger said...

In reference to the exercise, I agree about the treadmill. If your going to "pound my heels, sweat and stare at your bedroom wall for 40 minutes" you could be expressing yourself sexually instead. Way more fun, just as many burnt calories..oh wait, try fucking instead.

Spinning Girl said...

My stripper name is Lola Lustythong.

I'll be back after I read more -- I only made it through 3 paragraphs before work.